When I was younger, I was actually afraid of Mike Tyson. I don't box, but he was scary enough to scare non-participants. He was this furious powerhouse who was simply knocking everyone he met smooth the heck out. Spinks was torn to pieces. The Razor Ruddock fights were tremendous. For a short spell, he was absolutely fearsome.
Then, he started slipping. He lost to Douglas. He had a nouveau-riche public divorce. He raped Miss Teen Rhode Island, or someone. He served hard time. He attempted to devour Evander Holyfield. He threatened to eat Lennox Lewis' children- no small threat from a man with an ear in his mouth. Any time the press spoke to him, he would say something amazing. In a slow spiral, he went from intimidating to comical.
Last night, he got smacked up by a Brit. He may have fought with a torn knee ligament, but still....this was his second loss to those guys with the funny accents. 1988 Mike would treat those tea-sippers like...well, like The Blitz, Part II. Watch the English get empowered by this, and try to come over here and take Bunker Hill back.
Tyson is not far from his own reality show. He'll need the money. Imagine the fun as Tyson goes off his medication on camera. Imagine the Springer-esque brawling as Tyson has the forseeably bad reaction to people taunting him in the streets. Imagine the rambling "where did it all go wrong?" speeches made with that ridiculous falsetto lisp he speaks in. Imagine stoned Mike trying to pick up girls with a camera rolling, then exploding in a fury for no reason. Oh, the humanity.
Tyson still has a name people recognize, but the money is gonna get smaller and smaller each fight. He grew to rely on his power and quickness, and is helpless as those attributes depart his game. He seems to be a poor technical boxer. Still, he will always have a puncher's chance...especially with the lack of talent in the heavyweight ranks. Tyson can beat anyone, but he can also get KOd by a tomato can.
A career in the WWE might be the best long-term financial solution for Tyson. Vince would know how to handle Iron Mike. Ric Flair is being paid into his 60s, and Mike would draw in more non-fans than the man who has kissed all the girls...and made them cry.
Whoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
I do think it would be a nice story if Tyson met a girl who helped him get it together, and he eventually won the title back. An aging yet rejuvenated Tyson, fighting with an Adrienne-like #1 fan watching nervously at ringside, would actually be sort of cute (Note- Tyson is married, and the girl is the one trying to straighten his finances out). Like music, beauty hath charms which soothe the savage beast(sic). It would make a nice Disney film. Maybe he could even develop his own fat-burning grill.
It wouldn't matter. Tyson's problems- amazingly- are not mental ones, now. He has lost a step in a game with a small margin for error. He may end up with that Ali syndrome. He may even get killed. His technical skills can not protect him anymore.
I have learned a lot about sports and life from the Rise and Fall of Mike Tyson. He has moved from inspiring Terror in me to inspiring Pity. He has been a huge part of boxing for most of my life, and I find myself rooting for him to reverse this toilet-swirl that his life has become.
Yo man...you seen my tiger?
4 comments:
Best Tyson Quotes:
"He called me a rapist and a recluse. I am not a recluse"
" I caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard."
"I really dig Hannibal. Hannibal had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage."
"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian."
"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."
"I have some pain I'm gonna have for the rest of my life. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass."
"I just want to conquer people and their souls."
I'm on the Zoloft [an antidepressant] to keep from killing y'all."
"It's just tough being a ni**er and it's tough being a bad ni**er."
"I'm the most irresponsible person in the world. The reason I'm like that is because, at 21, you all gave me $50 or $100 million, and I didn't know what to do. I'm from the ghetto. I don't know how to act. One day I'm in a dope house robbing somebody. The next thing I know, 'You're the heavyweight champion of the world."
"I'm just like you. I enjoy the forbidden fruits in life, too. I think it's un-American not to go out with a woman, not to be with a beautiful woman, not to get my d**k sucked .."
"Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy. "
"All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too."
More Mike:
“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”
I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."
"My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel is muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."
"How dare these boxers challenge me with their primitive skills? It makes me angry. They're just as good as dead."
"I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain."
"When you see me smash somebody's skull, you enjoy it."
"There are nine million people who see me in the ring and hate my guts. Most of them are white. That's okay. Just spell my name right."
"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."
"He was screaming like my wife."
"I could have knocked him out in the third round but I wanted to do it slowly, so he would remember this night for a long time."
"You're sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend."
"Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"
"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."
I still fear Tyson and if I were ever to meet him I would make sure I have protective cups over my ears! No denying that he was a great boxer, and always put on a heck of a show. People got what they paid for and more. Can he keep it up? I dunno, he was good, but not THAT good. Maybe the path Forman took isn't such a bad idea, he could do product endorsements for athletic ear guards, or online prescription drug companies.
"I'm less likely to rape someone thanks to Zoloft ©"
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