Nothing says "England" like a Communist Supermodel and a Compton homegirl

 

vs

   This would have been so much better if Maria Sharapova was from Soviet Russia, circa 1979 or so. Trained in the Siberian tundra since birth by a focus group of Red Army trainers and technicians, she is unleashed as a teenager upon the pro tennis tour of the decadent West.

   She seeks nothing other than a complete display of her nation's superiority. The degenerate skirts of the west are no challenge to the White Russian. Fattening herself on the soft pushovers of the tour, she seeks to take down the Ugliest American. Humiliating former champ Lindsay Davenport, she has one obstacle in her path- Serena Williams.

   If Sharapova could somehow kill Serena and force Venus into a Christmas match in Moscow, we'd have a sort of short-skirted Rocky IV. Maybe Venus could make a Rambo speech as she stood over the prostrate form of her Slavic foe... "I used to drive million dollar tanks, and now I can't get a job at the fahging car wash!!"

   Sorry, folks. It rarely works out that well. Sharapova trained in Florida for most of her life. She was 3 when the Berlin Wall came down, and as a Siberian, is more of the oppressee than the oppressor. GLOW tried the same Juggernaut Slavic Heel story with the terrifying Colonel Ninotchka, but they never gained the attention that Wimbledon draws. Wimbledon is the big draw in tennis. If you haven't won Wimbledon, you can't be mentioned among the greats.

   It is sort of like being a Sled Dog that wins the local races, but comes up short in the Iditarod. The other sled dogs sort of snob on you, and you revert to the solace offered by the Chuck Wagon. Next thing you know, you're on the #6 plate at the local Hung Gardens. Society has little use for past glories.

   Serena need not worry, here. She is after her third straight Wimbledon. She gorilla-pimped Jennifer Capriati and Tatiana Golovin to make the finals, blasting a serve past Golovin at over 120mph at one point. The beatings were so bad, reporters saw Serena making Capriati hold her sleeve as she took her to Amelie Mauresmo. While reports were sketchy, Serena left alone, with a carton of Newports.

   Now, all that stands in Serena's way is a slinky Russian teen. Sharapova outlasted Ai Sugiyama and Lindsay Davenport onthe road to the Final, but the party shoud stop when she encounters the Ricky Williams-like thighs of Serena. Serena already whupped fellow Russian teen Golovin, and Sharapova looks to be her next Slavic conquest.

   If not.....sweet. We get a new queen of tennis- a teenage Russian who does modeling work. Anna Kournikova will suddenly look old. Sharapova emerged on the scene with Tatiana Golovin, who got headlines by admitting that she has been saving her virginity for Prince William of England.

   Could these two kids revitalize tennis? Will Sharapova start dating Derek Jeter? What are the chances that William abdicates his chance at the throne in order to flex the Crown Jewels with a Wimbledon quarterfinalist?

   Bill Clinton would have shared a cigar with Golovin in 5 minutes if she had put herself out there like that at the Daytona 500. If Prince William didn't summon Golovin to Buckingham Palace that very day, England may want to have a Coup or something...or get ready for a gay royal wedding. They made you a moron....

   Silly English King....