Tuesday, February 28, 2006

He can hide his own Easter eggs

  We sit at the foot of a great opportunity.

   With the NFL draft only months away, the opportunity exists to see just how important brains are in the NFL.

   A guy who seemed like a pretty solid #1 pick- Texas quarterback Vince Young- racked up a score of 6 on the Wonderlic, which is the NFL scouting combine's intelligence test.

   A fifty is perfect. A zero is inanimate. 19-21 is the average score. A six speaks of near/total illiteracy. A cabbage would get a six. A 2nd grader stands a good chance of breaking a six. A chicken could peck at the test paper and beat a six. If you took the test and TRIED to get questions wrong, you'd stand a good chance of fouling up enough to get a six.

   Vince probably isn't score-a-six dumb. I've administered a few tests in my day. I've seen these tests fouled up in every possible way. I'm thinking that Vince got a six for one of these reasons:

- Vince looked at the test briefly, after which he just filled in a bunch of ovals and used the extra time to go to McDonald's. I used to see that all the time when I was counseling- if you don't give a damn, a test is just a chance to be given a breather.

- Vince started at the END of the test, unwittingly beginning with the more difficult questions. I'd add that he probably spent a lot of time on the harder questions, and the time ran out before he could get to the beginning for the "What is frozen water called?" gimme questions.

- Vince was thinking of something else when the tester told hm that he only had 12 minutes to complete the test.

- Vince saw a pretty tester, and then spent the test time silently flirting with her.

- Vince needs glasses, and doesn't know it yet.

- Vince has an undiagnosed learning disability.

- Vince fell asleep while the test was being given.

- Vince kept clean, took his drug test, then ran out to the parking lot and got high right before the Wonderlic.

- Vince has Test Anxiety, and freezes like Alaska when handed a standardized test.

- Vince sees a What is the first letter in Cat question, thinks that the test is trying to trick him, and it can't be  "C". He then answers "A."

- Sabotage. I had kids who didn't want to go back to their mainstream school, and fouled the test up on purpose to keep them at their comfy SPED school with the French chef history teacher. Maybe Vince doesn't want to play for the Jets or the Raiders, so he's trying to lower his draft position by coming across as being really, really dumb.


- Vince is really, really dumb.

   To be honest, Vince's reasons are his own. It doesn't really matter how dumb you are when you make every hike of the football into a serious scoring chance. Vince won't drop that badly in the draft, and he will bank several million dollars over the course of his career.

   Much like being blonde, being an athlete is a more instinctive thing in which brains matter less than strength/speed. All the brains in the world won't help you when the offensive line breaks down, while fast feet are like a Godsend. David Carr probably scored well, but he got sacked more than groceries last year.

   So, Vince can be as dumb as a mud fence... it doesn't matter. In fact, many coaches like the tabula blanc that a stupid kid gives them- football plays are complicated, and you don't want Vince thinking about the Holocaust or the Renaissance while he's dropping back in the pocket.

   Multiple Intelligence advocates know that Vince is smart in his own way. He just has an athletic, rhythymic intelligence that isn't accounted for when people are crafting these Wonderlics. He'll be a-ight.


A sample Wonderlic test.... ESPN.com: Page 2 : So, how do you score?


Thursday, February 23, 2006

I looked at the brother, said "Damn, what next?"

   The Orlando Magic shipped Stevie Franchise off to the Kuh-nicks last night for Trevor Azira and the contract that used to be Penny Hardaway. This move brings hoop purists a Stephon Marbury/Steve Francis backcourt.

   The Knicks are most likely not done dealing yet, and the team may be even more drastically different in a few days. Knicks G.M. Isaiah Thomas has a blank check and a dumb boss- always a bad combination.

   Whoever runs Orlando had Tracy McGrady two years ago,and he now has Trevor Azira and an expiring contract.... and he got the better  of this deal. They essentially made the Magic Dwight Howard's team, while clearing up some salary cap space once Penny's belly-laugh of a deal expires this summer. They also get to shave Grant Ill's nightmare deal from the books, and will be a player in what looks like a hot free agent market a summer from next. The excision of the Francis cancer is only the icing on the cake.

   Francis is a superb athlete, and he can score in bunches. He's also 6'3", and Marbury is a tad shorter. Both are ball-dominating street point guards, and would make for a fine And One backcourt. It should be a true experiment in chemistry, and Larry Brown must look towards Detroit and just sigh.

   When I was a kid, the Celtics had a sort of two-of-the-same-thing kind of backcourt that the Knicks now have. Danny Ainge and Dennis Johnson were both better suited for off guard, though both were heady enough that it didn't really matter who brought the ball up- the offense ran through Bird anyhow.

   The Knicks and their $130 million payroll don't have that luxury. They are built around Marbury, who does the exact same thing Francis does. A guy Toronto didn't want is the point forward. The team is 15-37, and they stink so badly that people are put off in Vermont.

   Now they pull off yet another match-in-the-gas-can move by acquiring the Franchise. You probably already guessed that he has a maximum contract. He and Marbury bring to mind what Red Auerbach said about the West/Wilt/Baylor Laker teams... "Too bad the game only uses one ball."

   The Eddie Curry/Channing Frye double post is the true future of this team, but they may go 10 minutes at a time without touching the pill as Steph and Steve pound the ball for 20 seconds every possession.

   If the Knicks owner has a birthday coming up, he should treat himself to a good firing of Isaiah Thomas. One of my favorite players, Thomas has been an awful G.M. Many blame the train wreck that is Toronto on him, and the Knicks are just another failure for ol' Zeke. The best basketball being played in New York is probably waged at some Brooklyn ghetto at the moment.

   If Isaiah Thomas was Batman, he'd wear a Futility Belt.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Presidents Day

George Washington, upon being given command of the army during the Revolution: "This will be the commencement of the decline of my reputation."

John Adams writing to his wife, who had mentioned that he was 60 years old in a letter: "How dare you? If I were closer to you, I'd convince you that I'm not a day over 40."

Thomas Jefferson, to an Italian diplomat bad-mouthing a sloppy Virginia church: "It is good enough for He that was born in a manger."

James Madison, when urged not to speak from his deathbed: "I always speak most easily when I lie."

James Monroe, as he attacked Alexander Hamilton with a pair of tongs: "You damned infernal old scoundrel!"

John Quincy Adams, upon running for the House after being President: "No person... could ever be degraded by representing his people in Congress."

Andrew Jackson (who deserves his own entry), when presented a list of shootings/stabbings/brawls that people from his hometown gave in hopes of deterring voters from making him president "Ahh...old Salisbury... I was a rough lad then, but I did my best."

Thomas Benton, on Martin Van Buren succeeding Andy Jax: "For once, the rising sun is eclipsed by the setting sun."

Benton on William Henry Harrison: "Give him a pension and a barrel of hard cider, and... he will... sit by a sea coal fire and study moral philosophy."

Toney, one of John Tyler's slaves, when asked his opinion of Tyler taking a woman much younger than he for a wife: "Massa... you be in your prime now... but when she's in her prime, where will your prime be?"

James Polk, on handshaking "When I saw a strong man, I took advantage of being quicker than he, and got him by the tips of his fingers before he could rend my arm from me."

Zachary Taylor, when approached to run for President: "Stop that nonsense and finish your whiskey."

Millard Fillmore: "I detest slavery... but we must endure it... till we can get rid of it without destroying the last free government in the world."

Franklin Pierce, upon losing his bid for a second term: "There is nothing left.. but to get drunk."

Bachelor President James Buchanan, when asked why there was no First Lady: "That, madam, is my misfortune, not my fault."

Abe Lincoln (who also deserves his own entry), when called "two-faced" by a Stephen Douglas during a debate: "I leave it to my audience... if I had two faces, would i wear this one?"

Andrew Johnson, to Jefferson Davis: "If I could not unsheathe my sword in vindication of my country, i would return it to the scabbard. I would never sheathe it in the bosom of my mother."

Ulysses S. Grant: "I know only two tunes. One of them is 'Yankee Doodle,' and the other isn't."

General Rutherford B. Hayes, when urged to run against Lincoln: "I shall never come to Washington, until I can come by way of Richmond."

James Garfield's doctor, on treating the still-living Garfield after his assassination attempt: "Some people say that prayer has saved the President... in my opinion, it was the whiskey."

Chester Arthur, on retirement: "There doesn't seem anything for an ex-President to do... but go into the country and raise big pumpkins."

Grover Cleveland fathered a child out of wedlock, and rivals used to chant "Ma, Ma, where's my pa?" Once GC won the election, his supporters would answer that chant with "Off to the White House... Ha Ha Ha!"

Benjamin Harrison: "I can not name my own cabinet... my party managers have sold out every seat on it to secure my election."

William McKinley, after watching his first football game: "They didn't have no game; they got into a fight and kept fightin'... when they ought to have been playing ball."

Theodore Roosevelt, on the battle of Kettle Hill (what he called the San Juan Charge): "I killed a Spaniard with my own hand... like a jackrabbit... look at those damned Spanish dead... Oh, but we have had a bully fight."

William Taft, on losing his bid for a second term: "I have but one consolation... no one has ever been elected ex-President by such a large majority."

Woodrow Wilson was giving an outdoor speech, when a small boy fought his way to the front row and asked what the crowd had gathered for. "I guess it is for me," said WW. "Shucks," said the boy. "I thought it was a dogfight."

Warren Harding, on meeting comedian Will Rogers at a White House reception: "This is the first time I ever saw you without paying for it."

Calvin Coolidge (who, despite his taciturn nature, has 10 pages of hilarious quotes) when asked why he went to political dinners that obviously bored him: "A man must eat."

Herbert Hoover, when told by Coolidge (during the Depression) that "you can't expect to see calves in the field the day after you put the bull to the cows," in regards to his acts to stop the Depression: "But I do expect to see contented cows."

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, as described by a NY Republican leader "Don't be fooled by it." The man was aked, "By what?" "By a perfectly grand political personality, you fool!"

Harry Truman, when asked to describe his Presidency: "There's a grave at Boot Hill that says 'Here lies Jack Williams- he done his damndest.' What more can a man do?"

Dwight Eisenhower once asked an aide to golf with him. The aide declined, saying his wife was expecting him home for dinner. "Are you mice or man?" asked Ike. "Man," the aide replied. "My wife is afraid of mice."

JFK, speaking to a crowd in Iowa that wasn't used to a nice Cape Cod accent: "What's wrong with the American fah-mah?" he siad. "He's stah-ving" answered the crowd. 

While showing reporters around hus ranch, LBJ stopped to urinatein some bushes. "Aren't you afraid a rattlesnake will bite it?" asked a reporter. "Hell, boy, it IS part rattlesnake."

While signing his book The Six Crises, Richard Nixon asked the next person in line who he should address his signature to. "You've just met your seventh crisis. My name is Stanislaus Wojechzleschki."

Geral Ford, as described by his own wife: "he was an accidental president and an accidental vice president. In both cases, he replaced disgraced leaders."

Jimmy Carter, when asked how he would feel if his daughter had an affair: "Astonished. She's eight."

Ronald Reagan, upon reading that births to teen mothers had tripled during his time in the white House: "I never felt so young and virile."

George Bush, disparaging an answer given in a debate by Mike Dukakis: "That answer is about as clear as Boston Harbor."

Bill Clinton, upon taking over for Bush: "There is nothing wrong with America that can't be fixed by what is right with America."

George Bush II, after Katrina: "We'll continue to work with the folks down there. But I want to remind the people in that part of the world, 85 billion dollars is a lot. "

Sunday, February 19, 2006

The Judges Must Have Been Slam Drunk

  Last night's NBA Slam Dunk Contest was won by the wee Nate Robinson of the Kuh-nicks. I can't get within 3 feet of a rim myself, and Nate is only 9 inches taller than me... so this is a big time Feat.

   Too bad he didn't deserve to win.

   Andre Igoudala(?) pulled off the best dunk I've seen since Vinsanity dragged his package over that French guy's head 2 Olympics ago. Yet, he was only second best. Next to when someone chose his genus/species last name, this will probably be the worst injustice Andre will suffer in his life. The fact that the winner has "rob" in his last name only sweetens the sauce.

   For those of you who were watching Canadian girls push a broom in front of a sliding shuffleboard thing, there was actually a true display of athletic prowess happening on your TV last night. The NBA purists will try to tell you that people are more interested in the Skills challenge than they are in the dunking, but anyone with volume on their TV wouldn't buy that s*** on discount.

   Granted, with the nation in two really ugly wars and gas costing twice as much as it did in 2001, I should probably have something better to be angry about on a freezing (7 degrees) morning here on the Cape. Still, Dre got robbed, and count me as one shorty who isn't happy with Nate's win.

   Jumping over a human being to dunk a ball is a very difficult task. Still, when Vince Carter, Kobe Bryant and Ricky Davis have all dunked over taller men (Frederic Weis, Dwight Howard and Steve Nash, respectively), it sort of lessens the impact. When someone jumps over Yao Ming to hammer one down, I'll be impressed.

   Andre caught a pass from the other AI off the back of the backboard, went under the rim and gorilla-d one down with such force that Indonesians were disturbed. This is sort of like having sex with a German Shepherd- you have to be a freak to even think  about trying it.

   Nate also took 14- yes, fourteen- attempts to make a dunk at one point. Imagine winning a spelling bee with 14 misses. Imagine winning the Daytona 500 if you get lost in the middle. Short of heroic intervention by some sort of governing body, y'ain't never going platinum.

   The judges are all giants. Nate Robinson looks small to them... but to most of the 290 million Americans, Nate is fairly tall. Still, when the judges go 6'7" and up, Nate gets higher scores for weaker dunks.

   Speaking of judges, this is a system that needs to be redone. I'm not that old, but I've seen a few robberies happen in this event. Each time, it was a case where the better dunker was bypassed for a crowd/league/Nike favorite.

   Serious NBA fans are already thinking "Dominique Wilkins" when they read that previous paragraph. 'Nique threw down a superb windmill/tomahawk dunk 20 years ago, only to lose when Jordan ripped off an old Dr. J dunk. He was then- in an act of larceny very familiar to those of us who dispute Robinson's win- ganked by Spud Webb in a later contest.

   Like figure skating or American Idol, the dunk contest is decided by judges. They are very prone to being influenced by the crowd, and they have made numerous poor calls during the history of this contest. I'd personally trot out 20 guys(with no hometowners), and give them one attempt only... and I'd score it based on decibel levels from the crowd.

   It may not be perfect, but it beats the hell out of someone missing 13 straight dunks and winning.


Friday, February 17, 2006

No Bozos


  I hate being told what to like.

   I never liked American Idol  for that reason- maybe 3 industry hacks can tell what Americans want, but I'd imagine that Simon and company have a dozen flops for every star they make... and Paula Abdul married Emilio Estevev, so that shows what she knows.

   I hate the Olympics for the same reason. Not really for the events... I like watching grown men sled as much as anyone else. I just can't connect to any of the Olympians.

   While I'm sure there are a few who were raised by some factory worker, too many of them are rich kids playing rich kid hobbies. They are then showered in money- much of it from your taxes- and stuffed down our throats for months.

   It's not my lack of Patriotism that gives me this attitude. I just don't think that much of America is represented in these games. I still haven't seen a black guy, and we're a week into it. It's not a money thing, either. I have plenty, thank you.

   It's just... goddamnit, it's hard to like these people we have representing us. Let's go through the list, shall we?

- Lindsay Jacobellis is a snowboarder or something, and she's been Visa'd and Dunkin Donutted all over my TV for about a year now. I don't feel badly about wagering that 99% of Americans had no idea who this broad was before the Olympics, and I'm pretty sure that she'll fade from prominence now.

   Why? With the snowboard (imagine standing up on your sled, and you'll be in the right neighborhood) race all but won, she decided to showboat a bit. While doing a board grab makes for a hell of a Visa commercial, it also has the ability to cost you a race if you fall flat on your stupid face doing so... especially when you do it on national- no, world wide- television, and cost your country a gold medal.

   I laughed while watching it, and my friends and I began laying down hard money as to when her incessant commercials will be yanked off the air. She's lucky Americans don't care about her sport, because soccer players in Colombia get SHOT for that kind of stuff.

- Bode Miller was important enough to merit a 60 Minutes story, and he bad-mouthed a lot of guys who have succeeded at a higher level than he ever will. How'd he end up doing? He straddled a gate, and ran himself right off the medals podium.

  Bode was home-schooled in NH, before swallowing your tax dollars to ski drunk and talk sh** about Barry Bonds- who at least performs up to par when the camera is on him. I'm pretty sure we've seen the last of this joker, although there'll be another "rebel" ski goof trotted out in 2010.

   Wanna be a rebel? Ski up the hill.

- Even the Brokeback Mountain  cowboys goof on Johnny Wier, a figure skater who describes himself as "princessy." He complained about the accomodations your tax dollars are giving him, he talked of his need for a positive "aura," and he managed to miss the bus that brought him to the big skate-off.

   You won't have to worry about him anymore, unless you decide to write a blog entry about failed wannabes. Maybe they'll make a karate film in which all the fighting takes place on ice.

   Hey, Capote... you have to actually SUCCEED before you start acting like a diva.

- The hockey team probably has some (once) poor folk, and they can trash a hotel as well as any college kid. They have just ceased to be compelling. Maybe in 1980, it was fun to watch a bunch of nobodies knock off the menacing Red Army team from the Evil Empire.

   Now we send our pros, and it just isn't the same. The last time I saw a truly neat underdog story at the Olympics, it was Argentina beating our basketball team.

- At least we have the figure skaters to fall for. Ooops, ours went home a loser. While a lot of lisping commentators spoke of Michelle Kwan's "courage," I saw someone with no other talent keeping some more worthy kid home so that she could punk out about 3 days in. I found myself wishing that someone would hit her in the knee with a pipe.

- There are other stories. Apollo Anton-Ohnoooooooo fell during the speedskate for the second straight Olympiad, and he amazingly became America's second-best Ono. Another hot-shot skier- Lisa Kudrow or something- took an Agony Of Defeat fall down the mountain, before finishing Notfirst.

   I think my point has been made. As badly as Visa wants us to love Jacobellis, it's hard not to laugh at her toaster-in-the-bathtub board grab that cost her what she no doubt assumed was her place at the top of the American media machine. You still see Peggy Fleming on the tube now and then.... think we'll be seeing ol' Kinky Hair beyond next month?

   Good riddance.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Not So Bad So Far

   Sloppy Dog fears no frozen precipitation.  She ran around, snuck her snout in the snow, and pounced a lot. 

   It's a fine beach day if you are part Labrador Retreiver. She'll actually go into the ocean after swans in worse cold than this.

   To be honest, this really isn't that bad... although we're only about 6 hours into it. The heavy snow bands are working their way over to the Cape, but the worst of it seems to be moving along the I-95 corridor.


   We'll rely on my sister in Duxbury- who I can't get through to on the phone- to get us the ocean storm shots. This is Buttermilk Bay, and we don't even have waves.


   A big part of a Blizzard is the loss of visibility. This is what they mean by that. You can usually see all the way across the harbor.

The same vantage point, in September:


Saturday, February 11, 2006

I may be late for work tomorrow


Urgent - Winter Weather Message National Weather Service Taunton MA 432 PM EST Sat Feb 11 2006

... A Major Winter Storm Will Impact Southern New England Late Tonight And Sunday With Blizzard Conditions Possible From Northeast Connecticut Into Rhode Island And Eastern Massachusetts...

.Low Pressure Developing Over The Carolinas Late This Evening Is Expected To Intensify Into A Strong Nor Easter As It Tracks About 100 Miles Southeast Of Nantucket Late Sunday Afternoon.

... Blizzard Warning In Effect From 1 AM To 7 PM EST Sunday...

The National Weather Service In Taunton Has Issued A Blizzard Warning... Which Is In Effect From 1 AM To 7 PM EST Sunday. The Blizzard Watch Is No Longer In Effect.

Snow Will Break Out Across Northern Connecticut... The South Coast And The Islands By Midnight Tonight... Then Spread North Toward Providence... Worcester... Boston And Cape Ann Through 3 AM Sunday.

Snow Will Continue During The Day Sunday And Come Down Heavy At Times. During The Height Of The Storm Sunday Afternoon... Blizzard Conditions Are Possible With Snowfall Rates Near 3 Inches Per Hour. Northeast Winds Gusting As High As 60 Mph May Produce White Out Conditions With Near Zero Visibility.

Total Snow Accumulations By Sunday Night Will Range From 10 To 18 Inches... With Lesser Amounts Of 6 To 10 Inches On Nantucket Where A Mix With Rain Is Possible For A Few Hours Sunday Afternoon. Isolated Snow Totals Of 2 Feet Are Possible In The Area From Providence To Boston And Southeast To The Upper Cape.

This Is A Dangerous And Life Threatening Situation. Plan To Have Travel Completed By Tonight. Travel During The Height Of The Storm On Sunday Will Be Seriously Impacted By The Combination Of Strong Winds... Poor Visibility And Snow Covered Roads.

A Blizzard Warning Is Issued When Sustained Winds Or Frequent Gusts Over 35 Mph Are Expected With Considerable Falling And/Or Blowing And Drifting Snow. Visibilities Will Become Poor With Whiteout Conditions At Times. Those Venturing Outdoors May Become Lost Or Disoriented... So Persons In The Warning Area Are Advised To Stay Indoors.

Stay Tuned To Noaa Weather Radio Or Your Favorite Media Outlet For The Latest Information On This Developing Weather Situation.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Maybe There Will Be A Biathalon Accident

   The Olympics started tonight. Don't expect much coverage from me- I watched the Celtics tonight. Still, some people live for the stuff... and I write for You as well as Me.

   Admit it... you watch the Olympics for the following reasons:

- Most figure skaters are pretty, and someone decided to put them in dresses that would shame a prostitute.

- You might get to see some goofy Austrian guy fall down the side of a mountain

- There's a chance that one of those Luges may come out of the track and decapitate a bunch of French people

- Those pretty figure skaters from the first reason? Sometimes, they attack each other with lead pipes.

- You can host furious debates over the sexual orientation of that figure skating guy.

   Look at it this way. The hockey games have no fights. I'd rather watch The Weather Channel than what is no doubt the antithesis of Old Time Hockey... and to be honest, hockey is probably the only sport I'll watch with any interest.

   They also don't have football. REAL football. Snowboarding is in the Olympics, as is Curling... BUT NO FOOTBALL. I've lived in both the United States of Ass-Kicking America and Surrendering France, and the reason France loses all those wars- and why big, bad, Germany falls to pieces once we go Over There- is that we have Football, and they don't.

   The sad part... I  bet the Russians and Germans would be good at it in a generation or two if they got into it. I would imagine that an American team could throw long on every play against a European team, and maybe score 200 points.

   America wins an event now and then, but we're not as Alpine Oriented a country. This is sort of how Europeans restore their pride after we went in there and turned around all those World Wars and Tour De Frances of theirs. Americans win the Kid Sports, like Snowboarding and Ski Dancing.

   Snowboarding kind of snuck up on me, and it seems like more of a fad than an Olympic sport. If whoever put Snowboarding into the Olympics were running things in 1986, we'd probably have Ultimate Frisbee and Hacky Sack in the Olympics now.

   There will also not be a lot of brothers in these here games. I'm sure we have a few somewhere- I bet he's the one they make push everybody else at the start of the Team Bobsled race, like that s**t they ran on my man Herschel a few Olympiads back. Still, this will be the whitest sports event since the game before Jackie Robinson started playing for the Dodgers.

   So anywhooo... check out the  Road to Torino blog if you want to know what's up. I'll come back to this subject if a figure skater is beaten.

Thursday, February 9, 2006

Pretty Much Why I Moved Out Of Duxbury

Duxbury Beach Nor'Easter, January Something, 2005

"My s***'s more John Blaze than that!"


   That's not an ocean OR a lake pictured below down there... that's actually an upcoming condo development, from the haystacks to the houseboat in the distance... and the main road/only way out is behind the house.

   Behind the road behind the house, we have the Great Salt Marsh and the Cut River. The town is dead enough that you can hear the PA announcer at the Duxbury High (which is behind the trees in the far background) football games over the marsh.

   It freezes in a cold winter, and you can skate on salt water. It's bumpy, but it can host a half-fast hockey game. You know you live in New England when you've shot a hockey puck at a lobster pot.

   I'd probably avoid purchasing one of these condos, although taking a canoe across the flood zone to Duxbury High School would be a good Eccentric Teacher move if I ever got a job there.

   Once you get used to it, it's sort of fun- especially if you have a zealous insurance policy on your house. I used to have a cellar when I lived there, and it would flood 1-5 times a year. We'd try not to keep anything exceptionally valuable down there.

   I just may be the only person in the world who has thrown a dead shark (only 2 feet, a dogfish) out of their cellar before. A storm also- if it breaches the foundation- can put 4 feet of sand in your basement... which you then have to shovel out of the window.


 In slightly less angry storms, a good way to flirt with a fast end to your life is to try a "Death Run."

   "Death Runs" are when you wait for the waves to recede a bit, jump off that seawall onto the beach, and run as far as you can before grabbing onto the wall and pulling yourself up. If your timing sucks (and mine does), you  get smashed into a concrete seawall by a huge wave.

   I've seen a few people pay the price doing Death Runs. I saw a kid get bashed off the seawall once, and everybody I know has had at least one good soaking at the hands of Mother Atlantic.

   The seawall was built around 1954, and it needs work in a few spots. The US Army Corps Of Engineers built it. It's about a 6-12 foot drop to the beach,depending on how much beach has been eroded beneath it.

   To my knowledge, it hasn't had a "real" hurricane hit it yet. I think it went up right after Carol, and Duxbury took only glancing blows from Hurricanes Bob/Gloria/Belle etc... The worst wind I ever saw there (we had an anemometer... umm, wind speed thingy) was a 90 mph gust in the Perfect Storm in 1991.

   We usually get Nor'Easters, which are a mid-sized tropical storms that hang around for 6-10 tides. The Perfect Storm and the Blizzard of 1978 were both essentially hurricanes, and they inflicted catastrophic damage on this neighborhood.

   While neither was a Katrina, you don't want to be in an area that is having a 3 day tropical storm. The Perfect Storm hit on October 30th, and waves were still splashing my house on November 2nd.

   Just so you know that we're not totally stupid, most of these pictures were taken behind sliding glass doors, or from somewhat shielded positions on somebody's porch.

   Those waves kick up a lot of rocks, and you can get stoned like Chong if your luck runs out as a wave hits. In less serious matters, the waves tend to hit the seawall and spray water straight up (the seawall sort of curves towards the ocean suddenly near the top.

   Of course, the wind is coming in off the water at 25-70 mph, so all that spray is blown at you. You sort of get a feel for it after a few years, and you can watch rookies get soaked down while you are watching from behind a house.

Weekend Assignment #98: Utterly Useless Web Sites

Weekend Assignment #98: Utterly Useless Web Sites :


Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About (Stephen used to date a psychopath named Julie, and she was famous for exploding in a rage at his sister's party- because he asked her what she wanted from the buffet table- to the extent that his sister had to hide the sharp objects....... and he had it GOOD when compared to this guy)

Get Shuked: Guide to Writing a Great Suicuide Note (Generally, the act of writing a humorous suicide note will cheer up even the most depressed suicider, to the point where they will reconsider.)

4Q.cc >> Top 100 Facts for Chuck Norris (I have about 5 in this. Thanks to Joe at Magic Smoke.)

The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved (Hunter S. Thompson goes to the Kentucky Derby "to watch the REAL beasts perform." He also maces an English sketch artist.)

Download Flash, Movies, Videos, and Files About Bruce Lee (One of my students submitted this as his Asian culture assignment. If you crack the teacher up, you get the A.)

Putfile - 7th Floor Crew (This will get you fired if you play it at work. It's the Miami Hurricanes fight song, and it is essentially a gang rape set to a 2 Live Crew beat. The sad part? They're millionaires now, and you aren't.)

Subservient Chicken (It is what they say it is... you type a command, the chicken performs the command.)

O.C. & Stiggs - Editorial (Thanks to Bobby V, this is from National Lampoon.)

Cape Cod Today :: Cape Cod News( I'm the East Of Boston blog in the "Blog Chowder" section.)nd Information

Saturday, February 4, 2006

Chin Music

   I'm not as jacked and pumped for this year's Super Bowl as I was last year.

   This is understandable. I'm a very parochial fan. I already forgot who won this year's World Series. I wanna say the White Sox, but I could be wrong there.The baseball season ends for me when the Red Sox are eliminated, unless the World Series is particularly compelling for some reason.

   This year's Super Bowl would be a good regular season game, but there were many better games that could have been shook out of the NFL schedule. I'd loved to have seen the Pats in it again, but a lot of games would have beaten Seattle/Pittsburgh... a matchup that would doom the NBA Finals if Pitt had a team.

   Despite my distaste for the man, I'd have loved to see Peyton and Eli square off in some serious brother-vs-brother hatred. Pittsburgh and Philly would have been good, if someone could have gone out and got T.O. a white quarterback. I'd like to have seen Tomlinson or Vick fight it out to see who got the better of that draft-day trade a few years back. Chad Johnson would no doubt have been funny enough to fill 2 weeks of hype, and I kind of have a soft spot for the Bears (that Super Bowl in the 1980s meant nothing to me- when I was put to bed, it was 3-0, Patriots).

   I even like Pittsburgh. It's difficult not to. Is there anyone out there as Old School as Pittsburgh? I'd root for the Taliban if Bill Cowher and that mammoth, jutting chin of his were coaching them. Nothing says "football" more than a 250 pound running back up the middle, and have the Steelers ever had a bad defense?

   They even have an Angry Samoan, who hits like an iced bong- hard, and with the tendency to leave one relatively lightheaded afterwards. I'd try to spell his name, but I don't want him angry with me.

   Seattle is a nice story in themselves- a Cinderella story of guys getting absolutely no respect whatsoever, who somehow ended up playing when Mr. Chunky Soup and Mr. Five Layers Of Protection were off on vacation. They are well-coached, they run the ball well, and they've won all the important games they've had.

   Throw the Massachusetts QB (who I think I saw play when his Xaverian squad took on Duxbury High School) in with stopping Indianapolis' run at the consecutive wins record, and I should adore the guys.

   I don't. Something about Seattle evokes the phrase "also-ran" from me. Maybe it's their relative Cherry status insofar as battle-testedness goes. Maybe it's that no-name defense. Maybe it's the fact that Vegas didn't give them a chance of being here when they set the preseason odds... Vegas wasn't built on losing- at least not THEIR losing.

   I like to think that I'm not so shallow as to dislike a team because they have really ugly uniforms, but I'll admit that somehow (perhaps and most likely subliminally) those b-u-t-t uniforms could influence my betting on this contest. I wouldn't wear that rag of a jersey to a sh** fight.

   That said, it's the last legitimate football game until next September, and only the process of cooking (or a child-based problem, which I plan on attempting to minimize by running them ragged during the afternoon before the game) will take my eyes from the screen. Yes, there is a TV in the kitchen.

   The hype is fun. There is a proven chance that a celebrity will be stripped. Candice Michelle- a WWE diva who looks like she was put together in Hugh Hefner's Frankenstein lab- should have another GoDaddy commercial. The Rolling Stones concert should provide a fine opportunity to walk Sloppy Dog around the block. I have enough food to fatten Somalia.

   It's all good. As far as the game goes, the two teams seem to be pretty evenly matched. Forced to go to the bookie, my call is:

Pittsburgh, 23-20

Thursday, February 2, 2006

Oh, The Places You'll Go...

AOL News - LeBron Proves to Be No Match for Dr. Seuss

   My school used to give a copy of the Dr. Seuss classic "Oh, The Places You'll Go" to graduating students, usually with some teacherly advice scrawled on the inside cover:

- Never play cards with someone named after a city

- Never say a word until your lawyer arrives (it was a pretty rough school)

- Red wine with beef, white wine with seafood

- Take the head, and the body will fall

- But low, sell high

   You get the picture. It wasn't that much more expensive than a card, and it generally had cooler pictures. It was also a cherished totem of their receding childhood, and I will always have a warm place in my heart for that book.

    One thing I was never able to do was to get LeBron James to come in to read it to them. This is excusable, since I taught in Massachusetts, and he plays in Ohio.

   This saved me the bother of explaining to the skipped-college millionaire how to pronounce "Mordecai," which is sort of like "border pie," but not really.

   James most likely isn't the first guy to tangle his tongue reading Seuss, and he desereves more attention for taking time out of his day to read to kids than he does for tripping over "Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places!"


AOL News - Warriors Fire PR Manager for Racially Insensitive E-Mail

  On the other hand, this dude is the first guy I've seen fired over forwarding the Ghetto Prom pictures. The Golden State Warriors cast aside the guy who sent these shots out on the Internet with a Warriors.com address that no doubt was forwarded all around the country.

   My students always wanted to have a prom, even though our school had only 20 male students. "We can import girls from Cambridge," as one student told me. "It's sort of like the US dependence on fossil fuels, except that I can get brains after."

   I nixed his idea, and took them all to IHOP instead. It was probably for the best.

Damn White People...

Wednesday, February 1, 2006



Things I Would Do If I Were Seattle, Washington

- change the state motto to "No... not that Washington."  

- dress the Seahawaks in denim and flannel

- put up a big fence to keep people from sneaking into Canada after the Super Bowl 

- settle Native American reparations by giving them exclusive Sasquatch hunting rights  

- alter the history books to show Seattle chasing the British away by dumping coffee in the harbor  

- talk Angelina Jolie into making a Lumberjack movie  

- use the Space Needle as a sort of huge bottle cap for Mount Saint Helens.  

- award Sir Mix-a-Lot the title of "Mayor For Life"  

- make bumper stickers that say "Hendrix, Cobain, and Constant Rain"

- not worry about hosting a Super Bowl parade

Make Love Pay

Usually, only pornographers, divorce lawyers, pimps and hookers can truly make love PAY.

Now, you can... although you have to live/visit Cape Cod if you want to cash in.

$100 gift certificate to Alberto's Ristorante on Main Street in Hyannis , a place that I absolutely adore.... for whoever writes the best Love Story.

The bad news? You're in the contest against me, and I'm undefeated in blogging contests.

The good news? My entry involves vomiting, and has a pratfall.

Give it a shot... and this especially means YOU, Beth.



Also... any blogger in Michigan who is crazy enough to do what I tell them to will get free AOL for life. Contact me for details.