Tuesday, February 27, 2007

I move like there's po-po behind me, cocoa inside me, so cold and grimy...

We had some snow yesterday, hence the "cocoa inside me" line.

While I didn't look up the lyrics, I'm pretty sure that Lloyd Banks meant "co-co," as in cocaine... but the Smurf isn't really into stuff like that, as Pepsi makes me jittery enough.

Bobby Heenan, on Jaclyn Hyde: "She makes coffee nervous."
Ever see a salt water bay freeze? Now ya have!
Buttermilk Bay has melted since I took this, but it's not unusual for it to freeze up during a cold snap. I wouldn't recommend skating on it, as salt doesn't freeze with any great stability.
A little frozen ocean doesn't stop the hard-working guys from the F/V American Beauty:
God bless the fishermen, because working the North Atlantic in February is thankless, dangerous work.
This dude was actually hauling up seaweed. My guess is that he uses it to wrap lobster in for retail sales, or he favors the Asian custom of eating seaweed. I didn't bother to ask the man, to be honest...
Street sign for polluters who don't know what "prosecuted" means:
Tags: , ,

Friday, February 23, 2007

I'm Your Huckleberry

from East of Boston at CapeCodToday.com

NBA- Former Celtics Star Johnson Dies at 52 - AOL Sports

That's Dennis Johnson, as AOL Sports editors sometimes forget that- at any given moment- there may be 8-15 guys named "Johnson" in the NBA. 

First, the dirt...DJ was well-kmown around the Massachusetts bar
scene, even after his heyday. He was also a chain smoker, which is
rare among American players. There were also some rumors of Tony Yayo,
but there's no need to put that stuff up here. Should be an
interesting autopsy, though...

I will also not let DJ's passing go by without expressing my feeling that Dennis Johnson was the ugliest man/woman/animal on God's green earth. He looked bad out there next to Sandy Ainge, afro-perm Bird, Frankenstein-build McHale and cigar-store-Indian Parish.

Bad stuff aside, it has long been my
opinion that the Boston Celtics chose the wrong 1980s guards to run
their teams over the 1990s and 2000s. M.L. Carr, Doc Rivers, Chris
Ford and Danny Ainge were all second-rate basketball intellects
compared to DJ.

Also...kids... remember that DJ was a flat-out all
star before coming to Boston... and that no better job of a big star
sublimating his ego (and his game) for the good of the team ever
existed than DJ on the 1980s Celtic teams. He had multiple title
rings to prove it.

Finally... his 1987 lay-in off the Bird steal
was/is/shall forevermore be the most clutch thinking I ever saw on a
basketball court. Anybody could have made the shot... very, very few
would have been in position to take it so quickly. His last second
dagger against the Lakers (after what I think was a 3-17 shooting
night) was also tres clutch.

The NBA lost a classic, and "every light
in Fat City went dim when they heard you'd finally cashed your

4 paragraphs of slander, and 4 of unabashed, dick-sucking hero worship.... that's how I like to do my post-mortem articles about deceased heroes from my childhood. Wait til ALF dies...

YouTube - Sebastian Telfair Streetball HighLights

It hasn't worked out for Bassy here in Boston yet, but the kid has fat, mad skills with the rock. Put a 12-rebound-a-game guy on the Celtics (coughGregOdencough), and Bassy could run some hella fast breaks.

This is young Sebastian practicing his craft in Brooklyn. He travels and palms a lot, but God-Damn!


YouTube - Boston Celtics Dancers Debut

Wareham's own Cherie Blier leads the Celtic Dancers into batle against the despicable Detroit Pistons. The hi-tech leadoff is weak, but Prime Young Girl will always be Prime Young Girl.

BTW... Cherie's line in the interview about the Lucky The Leprechaun not being all that "lucky" with the Celtic dancers was funnier than anything I produced, and I walked into that interview (East of Boston - Wareham's Own Celtic Dancer..) with scripted questions.

 As for the video.... well, Cherie suddenly appearing out of nowhere with Eddie Van Halen tearing apart the audio most likely killed Red Auerbach.... but I bet ol' Red went out smiling, or at least with a stiffy. It nearly gave me a stiffy, and I went to Smith.

If Mrs. Blier would be so kind as to log in here and tell us which one Cherie is in the video, we'd all be most appreciative. "She's the pretty blonde," sayeth the Colonel.


YouTube - jay miller at john kordic - Mr "T" guest appearance

Christ, I love hockey.

I think Kordic is dead now, while Miller most likely rarely has to pay for drinks at the Courtyard in Falmouth. These two went at it all the time while Mill Dog was on the Bruins, and no love was lost when Jay headed West. Look for the Mr. T cameo at the end of the festivities. "I pity the fool..."

Now that Cherie is checked off, Jay Miller becomes the Cape interview that I must have.


YouTube - Mako Shark Jumping

Thanks to CapeCodCharters.net. This video is why I absolutely never, EVER lean over the side of a boat.

While we're talking fish... someone caught the largest Colossal Squid ever caught:

Top News- Rare Squid Could Be Largest Ever Hooked - AOL News


YouTube - Gatemen - August 9th

If you ever wondered what the "NO PEPPER" on the infield walls around Fenway means... well, this is Pepper... as performed by the Wareham Gatemen during a rain delay. The true practice of Pepper involves bunting, but it's all the same in the eyes of a schoolmarm...even a comfortably retired one. You could take an eye out with that.

Teen girl commentary, too.

Speaking of teen girls...

Here's what happens when you stuff two of them into a car for a 6 hour trip to Cape Cod, and put a camera on them.....YouTube - fightttt

Notice how Mom never changes her facial expression?

I was one of 4 sisters, and no car was big enough to accomodate us. I've been held out the window by the waist while we were going 45 mph once, but I also wrenched Shea's head in between the seat once so bad that my father had to pull over and get her out with the crowbar. She still complains about that to this day, and we were fighting over my ALF doll, as I recall.


YouTube - Blizzard of 78 - impacts on Coast Guard Beach

Matt Noyes laying it down NECN-style about Coast Guard beach in Eastham during the Blizzard of 1978. Henry Beston fans will notice The Outermost House washing away at the start of the video.

While we're at it.... here's a video by a band called YouTube - Blizzard of 78... well, minus the "You Tube" and all. It looks like exactly the video you'd be watching before you woke up in the hospital after the gaybashing.

 YouTube - Nor'easter breaks up ice sheet Nantucket Sound

If someone buys me a camera, I will go to Duxbury and get the best Nor'Easter footage ever taken. I have the grapefruits, if someone has the camera....preferably one of those waterproof ones, so the Colonel doesn't get it all soaked on you.

 Yeah...like I'M going out there in that crap.... righttttttttttttt.


Monday, February 19, 2007

Sort Of Like The Last Thing Charles Stuart Saw... Just More Suburban

Sagamore Bridge, 134 feet or so above the Cape Cod Canal... that's Cape Cod Bay where the Canal ends, and that's a power plant on the right. The locals call it the Snagawhore Bridge, and it's death if you jump off it. 

I hate heights ( I won't ever fly again), but I had to have this photo for Your Monday Photo Shoot: Such Great Heights

It was built in 1933-35, a Great Depression project designed to "spend big bucks on big projects." It has a twin sister, the Bourne Bridge, which is like 7 miles down or something..

It spans the Cape Cod Canal, which was built so that ships wouldn't have to sail around treacherous Cape Cod to get to Boston. The canal was a long awaited project that guys like John Alden had kicked around. One plan involved the canal running through the lakes of Plymouth County... most likely encompassing both Duxbury and Monponsett.

It's an attractive enough leap that there are "Desperate? Call The Samaritans!" signs at each end. There are also big iron bars to prevent someone from leaping unless they were really determined.... say, determined enough o consider throwin themselves off a bridge.

Water is unforgiving. Given an average increase in speed of 9.6 meters per second of free fall, you'd be hitting the water at about, ummm, like a jillion miles per hour. You'll hear yourself screaming in Heaven...or Hell, if you have one of those vengeful Catholic gods.

You can jump off something that high and swim safely to shore only if you practice for years, and look somewhat like Superfly Jimmy Snuka. Otherwise... flapjack.

Here it is when it's foggy:

No matter how high you get...someone's always lookin' down on you.


Saturday, February 17, 2007

"I might get ill, roll an 8th in one hooter..."

Smurfs are known for their ability to pop up all over New England to purchase rental property.

I got snowed into a cabin up in the White Mountains, but that all sorted itself out without any particular drama or shenanigans. I didn't fall down a mountain, get chased by a polar bear, abducted by Satan worshippers, or anything juicy like that. I did purchase a nice oceanfront property in Maine, although the Colonel used the words "my fearsome Hammer" at several points in describing it to a friend.

The Colonel gets into a Thor trip when he's performing carpentry, saying stuff like "My fearsome Hammer will remove this blight from the land, and deliver us a prominent return on our mighty investment." He does so in an earth-shaking bellow that has made his children cry more than once. It sort of worries me... but he works hard, and we generally do buy low/sell high. It's not like he isn't forgiving me several eccentricities of my own, no? The kids will grow up scarred but wealthy.

I was in a conversation with a friend that featured "If this SOB seller backs out of this Duxbury sale, I'm putting the kids in the car and driving south until I see Cubans." The conversation was interrupted by a contractor, who was painting a room and wanted to know where the broom was. "Do I look like the kind of a woman who knows where the f***ing broom is?" was her reply. "Where's the maid, then?" asked the earnest painter.

She's a trophy wife, and trophy wives don't need to know where the broom is. That's why God made contractors. But God also made sportswriters, and I'd be remiss in my duties if I didn't alert the good people of Cape Cod to that annual Black Hindenburg that is the NBA All Star Game.

The NBA turns their All Star Game into a weekend long celebration. Not only do you get the game, you get the Shootout, the Skills Challenge, and the Dunk Contest. All that happens on Saturday, and the game goes down on Sunday... just like Jesus wanted.

The 3 point shootout is a series of guys running around the perimeter shooting all the balls off a series of racks. Whoever makes the most in acertain amount of time wins. This contest peaked for me in the 1980s, when Larry Bird walked into the locker room and said, "So... which one of you clowns is coming in second?" He then put on a Luftwaffe-worthy bombing clinic, walking off the court with his finger in the air while his last 3 pointer was still dropping down from the heavens. Game, Set, Match... bitches.

The Skills Contest is- I believe- a bunch of guys dribbling around a pylon. Rather than watch Kobe Bryant dribble back and forth, use this time to scan the audience for the latest hip-hop fashions..."Goddamn... I think Jay Z is wearing a live chicken or something!"

I love the dunk contest, and the winner can make a pretty good claim to being the planet's Funkiest Man. There have been some throwdowns in the past, with Dr. J and Air Jordan each freaking the public. I can recall Jordan being given a gift win in a Chicago All Star Game when Dominique Wilkins basically attacked the rim like a crazed gorilla. A white guy even won it one year.

The two guys who stand out this year are Nate Robinson and Gerald Green. Nate is this little (5'9" is "little" in the NBA) Spud Webb-looking sucker who won the contest last year by jumping over the actual Spud Webb to dunk a basketball. You may also recall Mr. Robinson throwing several punches in last December's entertainment that we know as the Knicks/Nuggets brawl.

Gerald Green is the Boston representative. He has truly terrifying hops... I'm guessing 4 feet for his vertical leap, and the brother hangs up there. There are rumors that he plans to dunk a ball with his feet/lips/etc... You know I'm rooting for Double G, and I expect him to beat that little Nate bastard like a goverment mule.

The game istelf is always a laugher... absolutely no defense at all is played, and estimates of a 158-156 score are common, if not conservative. Whoever gets the ball is going to shoot it, no doubt... and they will do so quickly. Look for it to be a series of guys trying to fall out of bounds into Christina Aguilera's lap.

But football is dead until Autumn, and pitchers/catchers don't report for a few more weeks. This is the best we get until March Madness or Wrestlemania XXXII. Rememebr to bet early and often in the Who Gets Shot At The After Party pool.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Rooting for both quarterbacks to be injured...

One good thing about the Patriots not being in the Super Bowl is that it brought an end to the Colonel's experiment.

Our border collie- Sloppy Dog- has an unusual bark. She doesn't "woof," she goes "woo woo woo." Much like the parrot, she will attempt to mimic speech if properly riled up.

So... after the San Diego game.... the Colonel came upon the idea of trying to teach her to say "Soooooper Bowl." I'm not kidding. He then sat there with the dog on all fours, getting it to go "woo woo woo," then trying to lead it into saying "Soooooooooper Bowl."

I tried to inform him that one requires lips to make the B sound in "Bowl," and that the dog simply isn't genetically equipped to do so.... but by the time I mounted this argument, he already had the children in on the game, and I was outnumbered.

It's not often that I'm the sane one in the house. There was nothing else to do but go down to my easy chair in the cellar play room, kick back and twist one. Through the fog rising towards the ceiling, I could hear traces of the Colonel's basso profundo voice, extended into a Scoobyesque howl... "Soooooooooooper Bowl." I wanted to cry, but I was laughing too hard.

Anywho... it all sort of worked itself out in Indianapolis the next week, and he's dropped the experiment until next season. Which leads us to the meat of today's article. ..What's gonna happen in today's big game?

Chicago was involved in the first Super Bowl that I was really worked up for... that 46-10 curb-stomping they laid on the heads of our own New England Patriots. I may have been 9 years old, and I was all about the Pats- who, at the time, wore this pissa fire engie red jersey that I already had like 4 of...Hannah, Grogan, Clayborn and Morgan.

I like to tell people "It was 3-0, Patriots when I was sent to bed," but that isn't true. I saw enough to know that the Patriots ran into a buzzsaw that sad evening in 1986, and the meat flew for about 15 years. Amazingly, I don't resent Chicago for this, as even 9 year  old me knew that the 85 Bears were one of a kind, and that the Patriots were lucky to be on the field that day... if "lucky" means "were the ones who got to absorb that for-posterity drubbing."

The Super Bowl can be viewed as a rabid fan, or as a totally disinterested spectator. My friend Tammy once asked me "Why doesn't he (whoever had the ball was always the same guy to Tammy) take the ball and just run behind everyone on the sidelines?.... You wouldn't even SEE him among all those huge people, let alone catch him." She also asked me why he "doesn't just run the other way... I mean, they all know he's gonna go forward... he should go towards the other end zone."

On the other hand, my husband and I frequently bet on things like the coin flip or the outcome of the You Make The Call commercial segments. I have $25 on Rex Grossman being injured today. The last time I tried to do a push-up was when I lost a bet over whether the Jets would run or pass coming out of a timeout. The stakes were 20 push-ups, and I believe I still owe him 7 of them.

There was a separate bet about whether or not I could do 20 pushups in a row... but that involves my man Phillip Atio, and this is a family paper.

 How would I bet today's game?

It's a great matchup... Power vs Finesse, Offense vs Defense, Old School vs High Tech, Huge City vs Big Country, Spy vs Spy,etc... Indianapolis has a high-powered offense,while Chicago has a smashmouth defense. The irresistible force is headed towards the immovable object, and something's got to give.

Logic tells me that Indianapolis will win in a rout. Indy was able to do 30+ on the Patriots, who whaled on this same Bears team like Humpback. Simply stated... Indianapolis will stretch that defense until it breaks... and once it breaks, the points will roll over it like water over a Chocolate City levee.

 Viewed in this light... the Patriots/Colts game of two weeks ago was the de facto Super Bowl, as either of us would have beaten this proud-but-outmatched Bears team. The Patriots lost in the last minute, and things could have ended quite differently if Brady had anyone with talent to throw that ball to on the final drive.

That makes an Indianapolis victory palatable to me, and I won'tbe all grouchy watching it happen. I'm rooting for the Bears, though.

The Bears are a classic team.They run better than they throw, although they've tweaked the passing game enough to have put 35+ up on a few teams this year. Much like the Patriots, they were constructed defense-first, with extra attention paid to the defensive line. They go out on the field with the expressed purpose of beating the s*** out of the other team, which is what I like to see in my Colts opponents.

So,when the fur flies today,someone is going to suffer. Something crazy may happen, like a Fumblerooski or a streaker tackling Joseph Addai as he scampers for what would have been the game-tying touchdown in the final seconds.

You can't see stuff like that coming,  so you have to bet what you know. All I know is that I've seen Peyton Manning choke too much to put a plug nickel on him in a game of any sort of consequence....and the consquences don't get any bigger than a Super Bowl. The Colts also deserve to lose for not still being in Baltimore. Look for them both to get punished.

Bears, 21-20, with Adam V shanking one to lose the game after the streaker-related loss of the game-breaking touchdown.

Weekend Assignment #150 (or, CL): Your First Super Bowl