The Five Foot Assassin With The Roughneck Business

Great sports last night.

- We got to see Pedro return to Fenway, and get a nice warm reception from the crowd... and a more cruel reception from his former team, who beat him like a stepchild. Remember when Clemens came back to Boston and struck out 15 dudes? This was the exact opposite of that.

Pedro won 2 Cy Youngs, deserved more, helped break the Curse, and was consistently entertaining during his time here. He remains the most wily pitcher I've ever seen, although I'm sure that a few old-timers here can make some arguments of their own. He's doing really well for the Mets, and I wish him nothing but the best.

- The Celtics were busy beavers last night. Holding the #7 pick in the NBA Draft, they started dealing and didn't stop until I had gone to bed. When Gabby woke me up at 1 and I couldn't get back to sleep, I logged on to discover that Ainge had made a second trade. When the dust settled, Danny Ainge had

A) Traded Raef LaFrentz, Dan Dickau, and our #7 to Portland for Sebastian Telfair and Theo Ratliff.

Raef had a contract that slaves laughed at (he's owed about $43 million through 2009), while Dickau was a slow guard with a bad knee, and had a name that sounds like a concentration camp. I may have saw Raef get one Tommy Point in 3 years, and that was when Heinsohn mistook Raef tripping for him diving after a loose ball.

The loss for us here is the #7 pick, our first top ten Lottery selection in some time. We drafted Randy Foye for Portland, who then traded him for Brandon Roy. We passed on Rudy Gay, Patrick O'Bryant, Marcus Williams, and many others to make this pick, and how those players turn out may very well dictate who got screwed on this deal.

Telfair is dripping with potential. The cousin of Knick guard Stephon Marbury, Bassy is a NYC street point who came to the NBA straight out of high school 2 years ago. He's about to turn or just has turned 21. Had he finished college, he would have been in this year's draft. He has mad handle, and no shot at all. Dukakis '88 or the 1991 Iraqi Army had better shots than he does.

Ratliff is an active and leaping defensive center, sort of the anti-Raef. His salary is as awful as Raef's but his contract expires 2 years before Raef's does. He doesn't suck any less than LimpFrentz, but he'll suck for less time. It's a salary cap thing.

B) Sent next year's #1 pick (from Cleveland, which we got for Jiri Welsch) to Phoenix for Rajon Rondo and the expiring contract of Brian Grant.

The draft pick was from the team that LeBron James is turning into the next Jordan for. it wasn't going to be that nice of a pick, anyhow. Rondo is a rookie PG out of Kentucky. He's lightning quick, but can't shoot a lick. He once had 20 rebounds in a game- an amazing feat for a 6', 165# guy.

Grant is a calcifying power forward who will bring Boston their best dreadlocks since the days of Never Nervous,/Out Of Service Pervis Ellison. The Lakers owe him about $12 million dollars next year, but he can play for us due to some strange salary cap logic. We'll most likely cut him from our roster, as he was only included to cancel RR's salary out.

--- In other news:

- This will only be up through Monday, but AOL New Releases this week features former NBA power forward Wayman Tisdale's debut CD right here:

Full CD Listening Party -- hear the latest albums, track by track, before you buy them - AOL Music

You may or may not be able to listen to it (and 23 other new CDs, including Julie Roberts, Hank Williams Jr, Judy Garland, Hector Bambino and the Pet Shop Boys) if you don't have AOL , but you can try.

I don't get paid for doing this.. I just try to bring you the afterglow of the sports world. Speaking of which, Tisdale (a superb low post scorer) has put out a CD that essentially sounds like a porno flick soundtrack. Enjoy.

 

- I played soccer, was born in Europe, and still couldn't care less about the World Cup. I just hope that the Boche don't win it.

 

- The Cape League is in the hizzy. Check out www.bournebraves.org

 

- I found a nice wine site while I was surfing the other day...

Bum Wines

This site reviews the worst wines on the market. A typical review goes something like:

"So curl up on a heating duct and enjoy..."

and

"A convenience store clerk in Show Low, AZ once told me that only the oldest of stumbling indian drunks from the reservation buy Thunderbird.  Avaliable in 750 mL and a devastating 50 oz jug."

Dem Franchise Boys

The world gets their first look at the New Republicans this Wednesday night as the NBA Draft suddenly relocates 30-50 young men from college campus housing to waterfront condo living at worst.

This is a funny draft, a signpost at the fork in what has been a fairly straight road for the last 10 years or so. It's the first draft where you can't go cruising the high schools. Lebron James- had he gone to college instead of taking the $90 million contract- would be the centerpiece of this draft if the NBA had operated under their current policy in 2003.

Therefore, this is the weakest draft we've seen in some time. Everyone with monster skill came out early, before the NBA forced you to stay in college for at least a year. This draft is a lot like having your pick of the prettiest fat girl at the party. Aside from the possibility of seeing an 18 year old like Gerald Green being able to order a 23 year old Shelden Williams to carry his bags, this draft just isn't as fun as it was in 2003, for instance.

Not that there isn't some talent. It's just a draft where no one can guess who will go #1. There's no Baby Shaq out there, nor is there a Little LeBron, or a Wee Wade. The Portland Trailblazers only managed to win 18 or so games last season, and whoever they end up drafting probably won't even crack their starting lineup.

Regardless, the NBA Draft will still sail forward this Wednesday, and will be a good thing to have on the Internet while watching Pedro pitch against the Sox. We here at the Blog will do our best to provide you with an idea of Who needs What, and Why.

 

- Tornoto

These guys have the #1 pick, and- surprisingly- no one is threatening to not report if Toronto selects them and tries to pay them with Canadian dollars. Toronto has 2 solid power forwards (Chris Bosh and Charlie Villaneuva), and little else. At least 5 names have been mentioned here, but I think that the Raptors would be foolish not to take the draft's one legitimate center, Texas Longhorn LaMarcus Aldridge. This pick may very well be traded.

 

- Chicago

They butt-raped the Knicks in the Eddy Curry deal, and currently own both this year and next year's Knick picks as payment for chubby center Eddy Curry. Pretty much every magazine/website in the world has them taking LSU kangaroo Tyrus Thomas at this pick, and it sounds good to me.

 

- Charlotte

Air Jordan has a lot of say in who the Bobcats take, and his last draft pick was bust Kwame Brown at #1 in 2000 or so. Charlotte has a servicable center and a nice pair of forwards in Okafor and freak-of-nature Gerald Wallace, so I'll give them Washington 2 guard Brandon Roy.

 

- Portland

The Jailblazers basically need a guy who doesn't smoke endo, won't punch out the coach, and- most importantly- will put some butts in the seats. Let's give them Adam Morrison and his silly mustache. Morrison was far and away the best college player in the world last year, but the NBA sees him as being too slow to guard Wade, and too weak to guard Lebron. Adam is white, you see. People who follow this stuff tell me that Morrison will be the highest drafted American white since Golden State blew their 2002 draft by taking Mike Dunleavy's son, aka Mike Dunleavy Jr.

 

- Atlanta

No one since General Sherman or Wayne Williams did more damage to Atlanta's psyche than Billy Knight did last year when he passed up on Rookie of the Year Chris Paul. Let's count on them doing something stupid again this year... like taking Randy Foye to play the point,  even though he's a shooting guard.

 

- Minnesota

Bumbling former Celtics have the next two picks (3 if you count Houston, who has a former Celtic official running their club now). Kevin McHale has Kevin Garnett, Ricky Davis, and little else. It seems very difficult to imagine him passing on UConn's freakishly athletic Rudy Gay.

 

- Boston

For all the venom I spew about Danny Ainge, he seems to be a fine evaluator of young talent. He also, as they used to say about William Howard Taft, has the can't-be-taught ability to have his plate out when opportunity is raining down. Italy's Andrea Bargnani may be the next Dirk Nowitzki, or he may be the next stiff white guy the Celtics draft ahead of a more talented US guy (see Micheal Smith/Tim Hardaway, 1989). Look for the Bag Man to drop right into Danny's lap at #7.

 

- Houston

People will tell you a lot of things, but what Houston really needs is a burly guy to hang out near Yao Ming on the court and make sure nobody f*cks with him. 260 pound Shelden Williams couldn't be better suited for this job if God himself crafted a human for this purpose.

 

- Golden State

They have a nice backcourt, and little else. What the really need is a center, and the best one left at this point is 7 footer Patrick O'Bryant... who isn't Irish. He needs a few years to develop, but so does Golden State.

 

- Seattle

They are in at least 3 different trade discussions, and look to be a good bet to ship their pick to either Phoenix or New Yawk. I'm just gonna pretend that they keep their pick, and use it on UConn point guard Marcus Williams.

 

- Orlando

 Disney has a good young team, but they have a giant hole at shooting guard. Why not give them a scrapper like Ronnie Brewer, son of former NBA baller Ron Brewer?

 

- New Orleans

The Hornets have the 12 and 15 picks. Let's give them power forward Cedric Simmons at this pick, and see who's left at 15 when they come up to bat again. These two picks would be mighty nice to package together and jump up into the top 6, but the shabbiness of this draft most likely will prevent that from happening.

 

- Philadelphia

They could use players everywhere, and may even be discussing a deal to move Allen Iverson. Let's just give them JJ Redick now, so Iverson won't be the guy in the Philly backcourt that has been arrested the most recently.

- Utah

The Jazz need a shooting guard, and may as well gamble on one of the Michigan State kids... why not Maurice Ager?

 

- New Orleans

Back here again... let's give them Saer Sene, who has a 9'5" winspan (he can grab the rim without jumping). This dude just started playing the sport a few years ago, but there's always a chance he'll become the next Olajuwon... who also had just taken up the sport when Houston took him in the draft (ahead of Air Jordan, I may add).

 

- Chicago

They have a talented-but-slow point guard. Let's give them a speedy guy with a 42" vertical leap to back him up... maybe Jordan Farmar.

 

- Indianapolis

They just need a guy who isn't going to run into the stands and punch people. Memphis guard Rodney Carney seems like a nice enough kid.

 

- Washington

There's a point where your team has sucked enough to have had several drafts where they got fairly good players. Now, the team is too good to get a top player from the draft, and too weak to seriously challenge for the title. Washington is in that area code now, and hope they catch lightning in a bottle with Temple's Mardy Collins.

 

- Sacramento

The Kings need an impressionable young kid (or a non-English-speaking Euro) for Ron Artest to take under his wing. Why not 20 year old Shawne Williams?

 

- New York

They'd select Incompetent General Manager, but they already have one of those. Let's give them the next worst thing, Francis/Marbury/Crawford clone Shannon Brown.

 

- Phoenix

The Suns might want to reconsider the 6'8" center plan, even with Amare returning next year. Let them have Oleksiy Pecherov, who was the best tall guy playing in the Ukraine last year.

 

- New Jersey

The soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets have #23 and #22, so let's give them a tall guy and a short guy. Ummm...  Hilton Armstrong and Rajon Rondo.

 

- Memphis

Someone deserves the Swiss guy, so we'll give Thabo  Sefolocha to the Grizz.

 

- Cleveland

Cleveland needs one thing- a guy who Lebron likes. Let's give them English center Joel Freeland, who may at least crack LBJ up in the locker room with his silly accent.

 

- Los Angeles Lakers

There are only 60 or so shots per team in the average NBA game, and Kobe wants 35 of those for himself on the Lakers.  Will Blaylock is a good bet to pass the ball, so we'll send him out to La La Land.

 

- Phoenix

The Suns may be moving Shawn Marion, so we'll give them another UNLV guy, Louis Amundson.

 

- Dallas

The Mavericks almost won it this year, and may only be a piece of the puzzle away from winning it next year. Who is that puzzle piece? It's not PF Josh Boone, who will enjoy plenty of Texas basketball from his seat at the end of the bench.

 

- New York

The nightmare continues as Isiah gets two rookies to ruin with his lack of talent. May as well line Quincy Douby up for him.

 

- Portland

I don't shut down a mock draft until someone named Pops Mensah Bonsu is taken.

... then attack you like a pit, then lock sh*t dowwwwn

 

"I rip it hardcore, like porno flick bitc*es

I roll with gangs of ghetto bastards with biscuits

Check it- my method in the blogosphere's bangin'

High Above Courtside leaves your head-piece hanging."

 

Big ups to Suzi for the email that only a twisted Mom could love

Unequivocably the illest killin' machine in the industry

  On July 28th in London, Justin Gatlin and Asafa Powell square off in a 100 meter Haulassathon that will determine just who the World's Fastest Man is. While millions sleep in Alabama, these two will get outdrawn by A Team  reruns. It just isn't right.

   For far too many of us, the only "running" we do is "out of wine." More people care about the NFL capabilities of these two than any Olympic implications.The Philadelphia Eagles are said to be interested in the winner of this race, although they'll never think about Asafa Powell again if he doesn't have good hands.

   People should be drooling over this race. The American and the Jamaican co-hold the world's record in the 100 meter sprint. They can get moving faster than any living human, ever. The watch has been around for a long time, and no one has done this distance at this speed before. The fact that they both laid down their best time so recently makes it even tastier.

 

   Jesse Owens made Hitler look like a fool, and he'd be reading Asafa's Nikes. Carl Lewis wouldn't get close to Gatlin. Ben Johnson can do all the steroids he wants, and he can't get near either one of them. We're going to wipe out a tie at the top of the evolutionary ladder.

 

   If they were boxers, this would be Ali-Frazier. They are like the 1984 Celtic/Laker series- maybe the two best teams ever, going at it at the height of their powers.They may even exceed these landmark events. They rule what could be called the only true sport- a sport that is basically untouched since the first two guys ever raced to something.

 

   I'd bet one of my houses that the first wrestling match ever looked nothing at all like the Olympic wrestling that you see today. I'd bet another housethat it looked a lot more like Smackdown. That's why nobody watches amateur wrestling.

 

   Sprinting is unfiltered, and it pre-dates Greco-Roman things like javelin or discus. The cavemen raced, although the "not getting trampled by the mammoth" part most likely trumps the "fastest guy in the tribe" egocentricity when compared to this July's race.

 

   Running as fast as you can is an instinctive reaction to a terrifying situation, and it speaks to the Beast in us. Sports are like that in general, and it is a great part of their appeal. Many can be viewed in their Cro-Magnon context.

 

   Football looks like a bunch of primates fighting over a chicken. Basketball embraces many of the skills needed to grab apples or coconuts in a competitive feeding situation. Any sort of throwing in these sports is some European plains caveman tossing a spear at what he hopes is his dinner. The winner prospers, and the loser starves.

 

   Most sports have altered the basic concept, and they miss the chance to speak to the primordial beast in us. Sprinting is untouched. Hammurabi or Moses would figure out what was going on in this race. Adam and Eve may have raced to something before that whole Serpent thing. I can assure you that no one will care who the best nose tackle ever was in 2500 AD, but they will still care who the World's Fastest Man is.

 

   That 9.77 Gatlin and Powell boast in the 100 meters is no joke. It's 22 miles per hour. It's ten meters a second... better actually. If you look at speed in the 100 meter race, both sprinters can get to steppin' and outrun:

 

- a swarm of bees ( 3 m/s )

 

- a crocodile ( at a paltry 4 m/s, the croc is more Tortoise than Hare when it comes to eating humans)

 

- a big dog ( 7 m/s )

 

- lava flowing in a channel ( 8 m/s )

 

- the estimated 100m speed of the Tyrannosaurus Rex (9.2 m/s)

 

   Amazingly, the speed of a sprinter over 100 meters is greater than the speed of a roadrunner (6.7 m/s). What's more amazing is that a coyote can cover that same distance at 17 m/s, and has the advantage of being Wily... and he never caught the little bastard.

 

   Sprinters still have some work to do before they can truly live the pacifist life by being able to run away from every single thing on the planet. "We're all someone's lunch," as they say in Big Business. On this menu, Gatlin and Powell trail:

 

- a lion (15 m/s)

 

- a duck in flight (18 m/s)

 

- a tornado on the ground (26 m/s)

 

- a cheetah (30 m/s over 100 meters)

 

- Asafa Powell not watching where he's going, and running off a cliff (140 m/s upon impact after a 100 meter fall)

 

   There are also questions of stamina, maneuverability, speed of reflexes and so forth, but we are still talking about two really fast guys. If you were playing with Justin Gatlin in a field and Mom rang the dinner bell, he'd get to eat before you did. If  Asafa Powell stole your purse, the only way you'd get it back is if there were a hungry puma nearby.

 

   If Asafa Powell were sustained winds, he'd be a tropical depression. Justin Gatlin is faster than the first Indy 500 winner. Powell runs faster than the air speed of the first sustained flight. Gatlin would be ticketed in a school zone. They aren't that far away from running down a crossbow bolt (40 m/s).

 

   Not only are the two fastest men ever alive at the same time, but they are peaking at the same time. You don't often get the chance to watch two Masters at work. It's like McGwire and Sosa, and I don't care if they're full of steroids or not. One of them is the Fastest Man Ever.

 

   We get to find out who it is this July, in London.

 

 

 

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

Spending a night at the cottage seemed like such a good idea last night. Then, it started raining... and kept raining. It rained all morning, until I had to find an alternate exit route out of the village.

 

 

Nice pond, huh? Too bad it's supposed to be a grove. I offered to name this "Ted Lake" after AOL CEO Ted Leonsis for $5,000, but he didn't get that rich buying lakes from people named "Smurf."

 

 

One bonus: We now have a water park... complete with a water slide. No lines, either.

 

 

Everyone liked it except Sloppy Dog, who is closer to the ground than most of us. She wants Sloppy Park back.

Bet the farm on "Is Somehow Involved In An Amber Alert."

Marcus Vick

from Deadspin

 

Quarterback gets protection - The Boston Globe

 

   Why bet on the games themselves, when you can bet on a punk carjacking someone at a fast food joint ("Mac-Donald's was my spot... jack me one of them Nissan trucks.... right at the drive-thru! 'Ni**a, get the food, gimme the keys, and get the f*** out!' Straight jackin") ?

   Especially when it involves Marcus (brother of Michael) Vick, the miscreant black sheep brother of the probably-mortified Atlanta QB. Marcus is good for a headline every three months or so, enough that he now merits bookmaker odds.

   BetUS.com last week put the dollar ratios to MV2's career with the Miami Dolphins:

- 8 to 1 he'll get booted for brandishing a gun at the Dolphins' facility; -

- 5 to 1 he gets booted for serving alcohol to a minor;

- 4 to 1 he gets booted and enters a rehab center;

- 13 to 1 he gets booted and joins the WFL and plays for Amsterdam;

- 8 to 1 he gets booted and joins the CFL;

- 6 to 4 he gets fined/suspended/released for stomping an opponent;

- 22 to 1 he breaks his foot in his first appearance;

- 6 to 1 he starts a fight in his first NFL appearance.

   Note that this site has odds on the Apocalypse. While I didn't actually join the site and look into it, I'd advise betting on the option that leaves you alive to collect.

   I lost $50 of my teacher money when that earthquake that spawned theIndonesia tsunami failed to impact Iran. I had them at 7 to 1, and stood to make a vacation out of it.

Your Monday Photo Shoot: The Letter M