Megalomania

   If I had $70 million or so to spend, I would make a grab for power. I've already envisioned this. I would take over a small Caribbean island, and establish myself as a dictator. I was considering "El Macho" or "Pimpistan" for an Empire name, but I'll throw a few other contenders into the article as we move along.

   I'd immediately begin to militarize the economy and all means of production. Once New Purse City(my friend's favorite) was powerful enough, we'd declare war on our neighbors, and would work to establish a nuclear capacity. I would go to great lengths to establish a hedonistic culture that would attract tourists once the shooting stopped. In 5-10 years, Schlitzlvania would be a burgeoning regional superpower.

   My ruling style would be, as Calvin put it, "benevolent despot." I'd wear one of those Sgt. Pepper military jackets that Jacko favors, and would review endless military parades. I'd have an active secret police force. I would make subtle gestures at dinner tables, and people in Bogota would vanish. 

   I would crush any opposition, and keep the people hungry and scared- with just enough Bread and Circus stuff to keep them from wrecking the Stacey statues with any rioting. If all else fails, I'd do a Pol Pot- empty the cities, establish a huge collective farming culture, and kill all the intellectuals.

   While my people slave away for a bowl of rice a day, I would spend my days in one of my numerous Presidential retreats. Once a week, I would get nude, and roll in money. I would foster a Cult of Personality, and schoolchildren would be taught that I am their true Mother.

   I think I could work this fantasy of mine for $70 million dollars or so. I'm figuring $5 million to bribe a few Senators into pushing through arm sales to my new People's Liberation Army of Endonesia. I could use a few million more to hire mercenaries, and spend the rest on weaponry(the Soviet stuff is cheap, these days), ammo, provisions, etc...If all the right pieces fall into place, I could topple a small Banana Republic for under $75 million, if the U.N. didn't become involved.

   Keep in mind...I'm French. We are not above being megalomaniacal. Louis XIV said, "L'etat, c'est moi," which means "the state, it is I." Napoleon had every intention of conquering the world, and only Russia's "General Winter" was able to thwart him. "The deaths of a million men must be of no concern to men such as myself" said the Little Corporal.

   Whether my plan is feasible or not, and whether I may be a bit cruel in my nature, I have given this a lot of thought. I really think I could do it for under $75 million. You heard me, folks. I could become a regional power for $75 million.

   Or I could use the same money to sign Derek Fisher and Adonal Foyle for 6 six years. Derek is a career backup who will be pushing 37yo when the contract ends. Foyle sucks so bad, he has concave cheeks. Both of these dudes are guys you let go to have the money to sign Erick Dampier, or whoever.

   Someone in the Warrior's office should check Mullin's coffee, if you know what I mean. M.L. Carr is laughing at him tonight.