Sunday, February 17, 2008


I missed the Daytona, although Gabby and Melissa enjoyed the Aquarium.

 The dunk contest was one in a million, though. I enjoyed it totally, as did the worn-out Gabby and Lissa (who conked out on the couch halfway thru).

Now... I realize that two articles in one weekend about guys jumping up and down may be a lot to ask of my readers, but this was a whole bunch of fun.

Famous dunks of the past include Dr. J taking off from the free throw line (a 12 foot running long  jump that requires one to be 10 feet in the air at the 12 foot mark, playground legend Helicopter grabbing  a quarter off the top of the backboard, Shaq or Daryl Dawkins breaking the backboard, Vince Carter leaping and dunking over a 6'10" French player, a nameless man from the 1990s CBA doing a catwheel off two basketballs while dunking both... and my personal favorite- a guy jumping over a car to dunk.

This year, we saw:

- Dwight Howard- who has the best body in the NBA, and maybe all of professional sports (sorry... I'm a girl)- threw the ball off the backboard, jumped up, caught it, and dunked it from behind the backboard...while smiling through the glass at the camera.

- Gerald Green (a former Celtic,and last year's winner) had a teammate place a birthday cupcake on the rim...and light the candle. Green then jumped into the air, caught a pass from a teammate, blew out the candle, and did a sick dunk.

- Jamario Moon- a former Harlem Globetrotter- was actually boring with his switching-the-ball-from-left-to-right-in-midair windmill.

- Rudy Gay- who took the innovative step of asking YouTube visitors (YouTube - Rudy Gay's Slam Dunk Promotion) to suggest and upload film of dunks for him... he came in last.

That was just round one.

Round two saw the former Globetrotter (Moon) try to break the Dr. J/Jordan distance record (dunking from about 6 inches within the free throw line), with the added twist of  catching a pass from a teammate. The distance proved to be too much, though... and his second try came from the more Jordanesque just-inside-the-free-throw-line distance.

Gerald Green had some poor soul sit on top of a ladder and hand him the ball in mid-air for a windmill.

Dwight Howard then replicated the Moon dunk... but, before doing so, he pulled off his jersey to reveal a Superman shirt...then a cheerleader came out and put a big red cape on him... and Howard- who is 6'11"- absolutely crushed the dunk. As impressive as the cupcake dunk was... this one won the contest.

Judge for yourself...

YouTube - 2008 NBA Slam Dunk Contest Part 01

YouTube - 2008 NBA Slam Dunk Contest Part 02

The winner was Dwight Howard, and his eff-me-now-please shoulders.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Montezuma's Revenge?

A friend of this page has some useful information about the Pat's loss in the Super Bowl.
It might seem wild, but it isn't. Duke once lost a title game, partially due to their best player suffering from diarrhea(?). When they played the same team the following season, they beat them.
Did the Patriots literally shit the bed in the Super Bowl?
They were listless, a step behind the play, easily overpowered, and faded as the game progressed. The best offense in NFL history only got 14 points on a team they had surged past 30 points against about a month earlier.
The previous game was a high scoring affair. This one was a sloppy trench war. The Patriots won the shootout...the Giants won the slugout.
My big scoop leads to several uncomfortable questions:
- Was the Super Bowl decided by one team getting sick all at once?
- How much do you really think it would cost to bribe a sickly hotel chef to maybe cough into the Patriot's food?
- Were the Patriots perhaps drugged?
- If we can prove that they were drugged (and that a Giant person was behind it), what should the NFL do? Forfeit the game? Take away the Giant's first round pick?
- Will the Super Bowl ever be played in Arizona again? If so, will players bring their own food and water?
- With bookmakers taking historic beatings after this game, will the Mafia murder someone prominent?
Anyhow... here's the letter I got, shortly after the Super Bowl. Itmay also be the first Mexican hotelier/housewife-driven scoop in sportswriting history.
The "brawl" that Gerri refers to was between NB columnists Stacey and Elle....
I don't know what to make of this brawl, but I rushed over here to tell the sports person or people who write this blog that I have some inside scoop as to why the Patriots lost.  You know I live in Arizona, right?  My sister's boyfriend who is a Mexican with a green card (very important now days) who just got recertified after months of delay works in a big hotel north of the stadium.  The Patriots had been housed over in Scotsdale but moved themselves over to this hotel because it was closer to the stadium, I don't know how many days before.  Many of them came down with the runs, even accused the cook of putting something in their food!  Meaning they were thinking about something else during the gave and attributed the bad food to losing.  This would have could have happened in Mexico had the Superbowl been played there, but it is true, the Patriots might not have been prepared for Arizona germs the natives have become immune, to.  Does this mean we will not get another superbowl here any time soon?  I don't know.  You might investigate this story by interviewing the affected players.  I am a fan of Stacey, Elle, and Abdullah, whoever writes this blog as I love a good sense of humor. And I don't want Stacey to be felled so low by the conviction that the Patriots choked.  Not even great football players are prepared to ignore everything for the win.   Gerry

Sunday, February 3, 2008

18 and No!

(from Cape Cod Today)

Elle here...

As you've seen in the past... Stacey sort of goes life and death with these games. Seeing as the Pats just choked on the biggest game of the year, you can imagine her mental state right now. She's a threat to others and herself.

 So... the next time she turns her back... we're going to sedate her. This will be an Elle-jumps-her-from-behind-and-strangles-her type of sedation. Seeing as she lost a summer from the Red Sox just teasing her with choking, we'll put her recovery from this at 2-3 months.

Honestly... if you could see her face right now.... it's an enraged disappointment.

She's about 5 feet tall, drunk, and not expecting it... and her husband- who fought in Mogadishu- is refusing to be the one who takes her out. So it falls to me....

I don't know what this family is going to do when I go off to college next year, I really don't.

Wish me luck... I'm going in...



Abdullah here.

Stacey saw Elle coming, was able to parry her assault... and the brawl went through the living room, out into the street, and down onto the beach. Stacey was holding Elle's head under the water of Little Buttermilk Bay when the Colonel finally stepped in and put her out with some sort of Mr. Spock neck pinch.

Stacey is bleeding from the head, and I would estimate that Elle broke a few ribs when they went through the coffee table (which is was solid oak). Elle also swallowed a lot of water. Stacey is now in a sort of fitful sleep, and we're currently seeking out some heavy sedatives from the local black market.

We're listing Stacey as being out 6 to 8 weeks (the revitalization of the Celtics should speed her recovery), while Elle probably won't have a sense of humor for 2 weeks. Either I'll be writing this column until then, or we'll recruit one of Stacey's AOL friends.

That's all from Buzzards Bay... we now take you back to your regularly scheduled programming.