Friday, September 30, 2005

Smashing Through The Snow - Denmark pays for killing Santa's Rudolf - Sep 30, 2005


COPENHAGEN, Denmark (AP) -- The Danish Air Force said it has paid about $5,000 in compensation to a part-time Santa Claus whose reindeer died of heart failure when two fighter jets roared over his farm.

The animal, named Rudolf, was grazing at the farm of Olavi Nikkanoff in central Denmark when the screaming F-16 jets passed overhead at low altitude in February.

The reindeer collapsed and died, leaving Nikkanoff with the prospect of only one animal pulling his sleigh next Christmas.

He complained to the Air Force, which agreed to compensate him for the cost of the reindeer and veterinary expenses.

"We got a letter from Santa complaining about his reindeer's death and looked into it seriously," Air Force spokesman Capt. Morten Jensen said Thursday.

The Air Force checked flight data and veterinary reports and concluded the planes had caused the animal's death.

Nikkanoff said he would use the money to buy a new reindeer before Christmas.

Copyright 2005 The Associated Press.



   Wow, that wasn't too comfortable, was it?

   Santa wanted me to use the American media to explain a few things to the children who may be frightened/saddened by this news story.

   As some of you may know, I'm a Smurf.

   Smurfs haven't had a whole lot to do since the 1980s- I went to college, wrestled professionally for a spell, and started a family- but we are kept busy for at least part of the year.

   You see, Santa first began to experience difficulties with the Worker Elves- who were driven into the Pole from Europe (mostly Poland) during the period before the Romans- in the 1950s.

   Elves are a minority with a pretty big chip on their shoulder, and they chafed when Santa began working them on 18 hour shifts during the population boom in the 19th century. Santa was in pretty deep at this point, and the Pinkerton detectives he employed to keep order were more than a little heavy-handed.

   There were a few ugly incidents that we don't need to describe here- Hustler magazines in the stockings, sleigh graffiti, milk/cookie thefts, etc... in the end, Santa negotiated a 2 month vacation with then-Teamster leader James Hoffa... who disappeared shortly afterwards. Everybody was happy.

   With a sudden vacancy to fill, Santa- after failing with Pygmies and Liliputians (who were a real PITA)- turned to the Smurfs, who had just finished a successful TV run. We come up every October, and hold the fort down until the Elves (who are admittedly more expert at toy production) return for the big post-Thanksgiving rush.

   But for now until then, we're in charge up here. I was Santa's personal secretary, and have just recently been moved up to Minister of Information.

   Part of my job is emptying the mailbag, and this story from CNN really brought the mail in by the bushel-f*****-basket.

   While I am happy to see letters concerned about one of the Family instead of "I want a pony," we need some sort of closure if we're to get anything done up here this year.

   While the goings-on here are understandably mysterious, Santa has no policy on squashing leaks. He actually encourages us to speak freely to the press... it's just that so very few of y'all get up here.

   Santa doesn't catch cold, avoids taverns, speaks mostly in German or Turkish, hasn't been in rehab, and basically sits home with the Missuss. He's hardly a media magnet- except for one month of the year, when he's too busy to go into any sort of detail.

   So, occasionally we have to come forth and clarify things... usually to comfort children. 



That said, a letter from a little girl- "Debbie"- in Brookfield:

"Ok, wait so if that cause a heart attack what is the likelihood it would have been able to pull the sleigh this year anyway...probably have a heart attack doing that! Then again maybe it felt it would be out of a job with this new tech sleigh riding overhead!
Comment from
psychfun "

   This is a good letter, because it addresses many concerns children have as Santa enters the modern age. They see 8 tiny reindeer, then they see a C-130 cargo plane (a fine model- we use them to supply our bases) and say, "Something's not making sense." And this is after  we get the whole Flying Reindeer thing past them.

   Pulling a sleigh is a slow, gradual exertion... and Santa goes out- just before takeoff- and injects each Donner and Blitzen with a powerful steroid cocktail that features Winstrol, Viagra, Godzilla extract, Androstenodine, B-12, Cocaine, and several muscle relaxant/painkillers. This gets the reindeer all swole, and they can bang out the Mission with ease. If you ever hear rumors of a "magic elven/reindeer dust"... well, now you know.

   This "Magic Dust" is only given on Christmas Eve, at what we call Zero Hour, for very good reasons. Given regular access to this concoction, DEA experts estimate that reindeer would subjugate Lapland in 3 years, if not Finland itself. They would then establish a Deerocracy... and I probably don't have to tell you that it wouldn't be a Christian nation.

   You see, Santa has a pretty free Whip Hand... and by the end of the Mission, he's ripped more a** than a 7'4"  Rump Ranger with a size 22 shoe and no sensitivity whatsoever. Even set loose in the forest to rut afterwards, the reindeer don't really calm down until Martin Luther King Day. So we can only Super Power them once a year, in cold weather (if you look into it, you'll see that Jesus was actually a spring birth).

   Anywho... as for the F-16, that was a sudden, violent shock that the (unmedicated) reindeer simply couldn't handle.

   We keep the reindeer in Northern Europe to graze during the summer months, using some pasture of a distant Santa relative (check the last name of the farmer in the CNN story). The NATO base nearby was just an unfortunate coincidence, and we've already corrected it. That happens more than you'd think... especially with the Russians.

   Before the development of ICBMs, standard Soviet nuclear first-strike doctrine called for a flight over the Pole, which is actually the shortest distance between their Northern Air Command bases and America itself. While test-run Backfire bombers never violated Canadian air space, they raised Holy Hell over the Pole, and we'd lose 3 reindeer a year.

   Unlike Santa, reindeer are not immortal. Most live- even with the steroids- only 50-75 years. We're currently on Prancer 78607.0, for instance. The bombers killed more deer than every Mohawk Indian combined... and those boys could sure swing a hatchet, let me tell you. It's basically why we Smurfs stopped sneaking over to America withthe Dutch.

   This went on until ICBMs were invented, and then it got worse.

   Those SOBs would zoom over the Pole at 490 mph, maybe 50 feet off the ground... I wrecked a few patches of snowfrom them, let me tell you.

   In the 1970s, it actually started cutting into our profits (Got a sh***y gift in 1978? There ya go! ), so Santa had a little talk with Lenoid Breshnev... after which the flight patterns were altered.

   So anyhow, Debby..... that's the Short Version (no jokes, please). I might as well throw in the fact that I peeked at the Naughty/Nice List, and, while you can still botch it up with any further deviance... there's a cute vet who'll be making a housecall this December.


Thursday, September 29, 2005

Ways To Get Beaten Up By Athletes

(..."or with God as my witness, I'll take off this $500 suit and beat your psychotic black &$$, son." )

This is a lot like that Douglas Adams thing with the answer to the question of the mystery of the Universe... it isn't the How that is the problem here... it's the Why.


- Look at Ray Lewis wrong.

- Take a position as (tall) Jayson Williams' chauffeur.

- Sit behind the bench at an NHL game and loudly disparage "Oh, Canada."

- Secretly replace Barry Bonds' tongue cream steroid with strawberry Jay-Izm Fun Gel from the adult bookstore.

- Walk back and forth in front of the Kansas City Chiefs Player parking lot in full Nazi regalia.

- Practice with the Portland Trail Blazers.

- Spill your beer forward at an Indiana Pacers game.

(Look what you made me do!)

- Ask Charles Barkley for an autograph, and then sneeze on him as he's signing.

- Switch Ratty Palmeiro's Viagra with Ex-Lax, and stand by the bathroom saying, "Don't you dare implicate Cal Ripken."

- Hang around WNBA shower rooms disguised as a Lawn Jockey Towel Rack.

- Jump onto the ice at an NHL game and try to share your popcorn with Tie Domi.

- Look at Ray Lewis in a way that seems fine to you, but that he perceives as threatening/condescending.

- Go to the ESPY's dressed up as Jose Canseco


(Stop Snitching!!)

- Be standing near someone who spills a beer on Artest or looks at Ray-Ray "wrong."

- About halfway through the process of meeting Mike Tyson... say, "That face tat looks stupid, you big ape."

- Go to a Made Men concert with Paul Pierce(d).

- Wear a Randy Moss afro wig into Lambeau Stadium, sit among the endzone seats, and loudly make fun of Vince Lombardi's teeth as a Packer scores.

- Throw a box of thumb tacks onto the road in in the path of a large Tour de France pack.

- Get into pit row at the Talladega 500, and break dance to a hip-hop version of "Ring Of Fire" while wearing a "Both Dales Suck" tshirt.

(This is what we call a Talladega Two-Step, son)

- Make a sudden move near Allen Iverson at the Source Awards.

- Expunge a loud, hacking cough over Boog Powell's rib grill.

- Go "Look, everybody... I'm Jeff van Gundy!!" ... then run out on the court at a Heat game and grab Alonzo Mourning around the leg.

- Run into the ring during a Felix Trinidad fight with boxing gloves on, and yell "Three Way Dance" in both English and Spanish.

- Bumper-ski on Jeff Gordon's Du Pont car.

- Infiltrate the Rucker Tournament disguised as a KKK Grand Wizard.

- Dress as a Sasquatch, and disrupt the Winter Olympics ski races by yelling, "Get out of my damn yard!'


Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Massachusetts Checklist


You Know You're From Massachusetts When...

The person driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you are cursing him for going too slow. (Damn school zones)

When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke...not quinine water. (I've had detectives look up from their meals in cafes when I asked for Coke.)

You almost feel disappointed when someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space. (I tell people to **** thmselves when they don't let me pull out quickly enough, and I'm not even a native)

You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Haverhill, Scituate, Gloucester, Duxbury and Cotuit. (Try spelling it out in the comments section)Add your own

You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday in order to get beer. (Blue Laws)

You know that there are two Bulger brothers, and thatthey're both crooks. (Ironically, I would trust the gangster more than the State Senator)

You know what they sell at a packie. (I go to the "liqour store" .... my husband goes to the "packy"... it's the same place.)

"The Garden" is a non-existent concrete train station building


You actually enjoy driving around rotaries. (I stay in them, occasionally.. and Duxbury just built a Roundabout, of all the ****** things)

You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call. (It's called "Every Bar.")

You can actually find your way around Boston. (Well.... that stupid Big Dig thing screwed everything up, right when i thought I had it down!!)

Evacuation Day is a recognized holiday. (I have never taught a class on Evacuation Day, and would take it off even if I taught in Arizona.)

You know what First Night is. (It's actually Last Night, and the following First morning.")

You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud, Sully or Seamus. (If you could combine Sloan and Shea's dating resume into that of one rather prolific sister, she'd have dated a man with each of those names.)

You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day. (and St. Patrick's Day....and Patriot's Day....and they do owe us.)

You have never been to Cheers. (It's The Bull And Finch Pub, and it's full of yuppies and tourists)

When the words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together. (I was shocked when I learned that this very effective term of emphasis wasn't used nation wide.")Wicked Good Guide to Boston English

You knew that there was no chance in hell that the Pats would move to Hartford. (I'd have rooted for the Giants, like the old timers here used to before we got the Pats)


You have gone to at least one party at UMass. (I've been to parties at THREE UMasses)

The curse of the Bambino is taught in public schools. (Guilty)

You own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat. (I become angry when Southereners refer to me as a "Yankee.")

You think Doug Flutie is the greatest athlete ever. (For Boston, For Boston...)

You remember exactly where you were when the ball rolled through Buckner's legs. (grrr)

You (USED TO) pray for the Red Sox to win the World Series not this season, but in your lifetime.  (I steal from old sites)

You know how to make a frappe. (Watch Southerners get really angry at a Falmouth Dairy Queen when no ice cream is added to their Milkshake.)

You know that "Big Dig" is also a kind of ice cream you can get at Brigham's. (Just may go there this evening, as my schedule brings me past one)

You actually know how to merge from 6 lanes of traffic down to one. (The key is to have your nose ahead of whoever you are cutting off, for insurance liability purposes)

You never go "to Cape Cod", you go "down the Cape".  (My family refers to me as "down the Cape" as a sort of metaphor for "went crazy")

You think that Roger Clemens, Wade Boggs and Derek Jeter are more evil than Whitey Bulger.  (To my knowledge, the Roger Clemens article I wrote for this very blog is the only one that an AOL Employee has had to personally call the author on and ask her to remove it...although I dodged the call for several hours by going to a BarBQ, and my poor husband ended up taking it)

You went to Old Sturbridge Village, Plymouth Plantation, or both, on field trip in grammar school. (Duxbury public schools have 7thgraders take a term entirely full of John Alden, Massasoit, etc...).

You're aware that there is a town, somewhere in Massachusetts, named Brimfield where they have the biggest outdoor antique market in the world. (Monponsett is less than 4 miles from where the Toll House Cookie was invented, and my old home was within sight of the guy who gave us "Kilroy Was here.")

Youcan drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day. (I knew a fat guy who can roll down Mount Washington and allow his momentum to carry him into the Atlantic, usually off Gloucester... until the truck hit him)

You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line. (You can take a map of MA, draw "12-18" in the western half of the state, "8-12"  on everythingup to Boston, "4-8" around the coast, and "Mix to 3" on the Cape... and be right for 76% of Massachusetts' winter storm forecasts)

You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group. (If it was a rap group, they might live three to five minutes at the Source Awards.

You know that Ludlow is 90% Portuguese and that Fall River is 90% Lebanese.  (Huh?)

You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language. (It's the key to pronouncing "Worcester.")

You've called something "wicked pissa" (Itmeans "good.")

You have driven to either Rhode Island, New Hampshire or Vermont for a tattoo. (You can get them here, now... since all the Lebanese moved out of Fall River)

You see people like Steven Tyler (Aerosmith), Dicky Barret (The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones), Tracy Bonham, Evan Dando (The Lemonheads) and Ric Ocasek (The Cars) in the local supermarket and it doesn't phase you. (I am a fringe Kennedy, by marriage)

You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater. (Only if I don't have a gun in the car) 


Know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frank(ie) (I have one in my family)

Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts, ATM or CVS within eyeshot at all times.(I was pleasd when I saw a CVS outside my Houstonhotel, because I didn't like my chances of getting them to understand me saying "apothecary" or "pharmacy.")

You keep an ice scraper and can of de-icer on the floor of your car...year round (They come in handy for deterring car-jackers)

You still try to order curly fries from Burger King (The chief benefit of Pizza Boy in Wareham- 508-295-2095- is that they have Curly fries and superb thin crust pizza.)

You order iced coffee in January. (This isn't as wierd as it sounds. Water- the primary ingredient in ice- freezes at 32 degrees. The air outside is 10 degrees. Therefore, iced coffee will warm you in the right weather conditions. This knowledge is essentially why we beat Indianapolis in football every January) 

You know what candlepin bowling is (It used to beat the Patriots' TV ratings right up until Parcells got here. Tt's also a sport I am incapable of playing, for reasons far beyond my refusal to wear second-hand shoes.)

You drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax. (Until the Bush Administration, this was sound fiscal policy) 

You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left. (I once saved a woman and her occupied baby stroller with this tactic... and had a lead pipe waved out the window at me for it by the driver I blocked from Death Race 2000ing her.)

You know what a "regular" coffee is (my distaste for coffee is viewed with disgust more by my French associates than my American ones... but the differences between them are like the 3 and 4 of diamonds in the Iraqi War Criminal Commemorative Card Set)

You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop. (The little nautical Santa lamp you can see on the pictures of my desk was $5.99 at the Pembroke CTS in 2003 or so) 


By the way:

Worcester = Wuss-ta

Billerica = Bill-ricka

Haverhill = Hay-va-ill, or Hay-vill

Scituate = Sit-chew-et

Gloucester = Gloss-ta

Cotuit = Cuh-too-it

Duxbury = Ducks-bree

Monday, September 26, 2005



1) Go to your journal's archives.
2) Find the 23rd post.
3) Findthe 5th sentence in that post.
4) Post that sentence with these instructions.
5) Tag five more people 

I think you're wild when you flash that fragile smile.


Here's mine:

"The Pistons have 2 chances of winning this scrap:

A) Slim

B) None

...and as for old Slim...he just left town, Jack."

   That was before the 2004 NBA Finals, Detroit vs LA. Detroit won in 5 games, and the team in LA was dismantled afterwards. It cost Shaq Daddy his California house, and sent Phil Jackson scurrying off into Montana to wait for people to forget how badly he was outcoached.

   It also made me look like n ass, although I recovered from this blunder to win the All Star Blogger Contest later that month. It's been Wine and Roses ever since for the blogging force of nature known world-wide as America's Sweetheart.


Time To Tag:

Saved By The Blog


calling the shots


Yannis' Sports Journal


Sports Bar & Buffet





I got tagged by the Pastor, too... not like that, you sick eff:


The Church That Jesus Built

I wish all of you could experience Trinity church as it is now.  Often it is like Grand Central Station.  People are everywhere.  Tents, RVs, trucks, trailers, and vehicles fill the property.  Inside, children inhabit the educational wing nursery as we continue our new child care ministry for the businesses and community.  The free store has a continual flow of weary refugees from every background you can imagine. Teams from Evangelical Free Churches and other churches are deployed 8 am to 6 pm daily and they eat, sleep, and fellowship throughout the campus.  Makeshift offices with phones and computers are popping up throughout the building as little ministry groups meet to plan and then to launch out in the name of Jesus.  On top of this, 500 people came to church yesterday to honor God who is worthy of our praise and thanksgiving.  This included dozens of brand new people, including new believers and seekers.  The church of Jesus Christ is being built.  I feel like the turtle sitting on the fence post.  When you see this phenomenon, you know the turtle didn’t get there on its own.  When you see what God has done at Trinity, you know we didn’t do it ourselves.

Yesterday, in the service, many newcomers stood and gave praise to God for the teams that have reached out to them.

1.    Marlow had been praying prior to the hurricane that God would redirect her life.  Indeed, she has met the One who gives her life.  This former New Orleans travel guide who lost everything has been so energized by the Spirit she is like the woman in John 4 who is telling an entire town about Jesus and Trinity church.
2.    Michelle lost her home and business and still hasn’t located her 3 and 5 year old grandchildren.  She only had the clothes on her back but she met people in the free store.  Scared to death, she stepped into the service on Sunday and loved it!
3.    Libby arrived back home after the hurricane to find her home half demolished.  This moment of agony was diminished when a ministry team arrived at that moment to pray, comfort, and clean up her yard.  What a divine appointment and God moment.  She has come to Trinity for 2 weeks.  Yesterday, she told the church family her daughter in Knoxville is all alone dying of cancer.  A woman in the church made a call to the Evangelical Free church in that city to make a visit.
4.    The local hospital ran out of juice for patients.  A few of us thought, “Could it be that juice bottles would come on our next truck?”  What came on the truck?  JUICE BOTTLES!
5.    A lady and her 16 year old son fled hurricane Rita from St. Charles.  The woman’s husband had died the day before from brain cancer.  As she left town a woman said, “If you can’t find a place to stay, look for a church.”  Of course, as she drove east there were no hotels available in the region.  She went all the way to Mobile Alabama.  On her way back, she happened to get off at our exit.  She saw the Trinity sign and remembered her friend’s advice.  Upon hearing the story our people ran out to greet them, and said they could eat, shower, sleep, and be cared for as long as they needed.
6.    One man found himself half-dazed and crying out, “God why do you hate me?  Why do your hate me?”  At that moment a team appeared and cleaned up his fallen trees.  He’s been at the church almost every day since then helping others.
7.    One team found themselves in Slidell on Saturday helping at one home but couldn’t miss hearing the neighbors in a huge altercation.  They were arriving for the first time to see their cherished home crushed by water damage.  The sight was too much to bear and they let out all their emotions and anger on each other.  It was unsettling that none of their family had come forth to help.  The team decided to shift their efforts to this couple.  They cleaned up the entire mess.  The couple’s hearts softened and grew large as the day ended with prayer, hugs, love, and thanksgiving.  God loved that couple through a team from California.

I could go on, but I’ll stop here.  I’ll close with this today.

I love the story of the night Michael Jordan scored 69 points in one game.  It was a blow-out and at the end of the game the coach pulled M.J. out and put in a little known sub who scored two meaningless points in the closing seconds of play.  A few weeks later a reporter asked the sub, “What is the highlight of your professional career?”  He said, “The night Michael Jordan and I scored 71 points together.”  This is how I feel about what Jesus is building at Trinity Church.  He is doing the work and it is a privilege to partner with Him in His Kingdom.

Betting the farm on God,


p.s.  Pray for a member of our church named Leroy.  His brother was killed in the flooding but the body washed away.  They have taken DNA samples from the family to try to identify the body among the many unidentified bodies.  This family shared at church yesterday how agonizing it is to not know.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Almost Kinda Sport Videos

Big Ups To, or whatever it is.... tremendous place to raid.

Dunking competition  (1995 High School Dunk Contest... between 17 year olds Vince Carter and Paul Pierce)


Perfect stone skipping (I grew up on a beach, and this is just f***** incredible)


A bit excessive Taser usage by (I love TASERS)


Backyard wrestling  (for legal purposes, try to make sure this isn't your back yard.)


Insane stealing contest (Or I hope this shopkeeper doesn't keep a gun handy)


Motorbike racing accident  (everybody lived)


Top ten NBA fights  (I've seen better fights in sorority houses, but someone might like this)


Cool kickboxing video (I haven't watched this one yet, but it looks promising)


Massive group fight (Looks like the Beat It video, with Nirvana fans)

 Skaters anger a security guy  (when you go toe-to-toe with a thirteen year old and don't win decisively,  you should really turn in the badge.)

Cheering up the audience  (sometimes, you should Just Say No)


Russian helicopter gets shotted on   (Stinger Anti-Aircraft Missile, Afghanistan, 1980... sort of like skeet, but with Soviets)


Great knockout video  (I would have let this fight continue)

Knee on the face    (my kinda girl)


this video (this is my personal favorite)


Hooligans compilation (Aahhhh... good ol' Europe)

Tracy McGrady 13 points in 37 seconds (I used to score like this at Worcester State... just not on the court)


Hockey fan gets his ass beat by the players in middle of a game  (I haven't seen this one yet, but I'm thinking "Mike Milbury")


Surfing on waves caused by the hurricane (glad SOMEONE enjoyed it)


Nuclear explosion  (They actually make a pretty cloud, if you can ignore the massive loss of life)


Greatest NFL hits compilation (this isn't a musical)


Cheerleaders playing football  (or Operation Give The Ball To The Black Girl)


Precision bombing  (Death From Above)


Huge chemical plant explosion (L'ooops!)


Grenade in a washing machine (better call that Maytag repairman, and tell him to bring the van)


Patrick Flanigan, very accurate (straight up gangsta, wrong n**** to f**** with)


Crazy gun - 600 roundsper minute (This would blast through the People's Republic Of China in like 6 hours)


Some man exhibits the P90 assa<FONTCOLOR=#FFFF00 size="4"> (If you hunted with this, you'd only bring back hamburger)


Insane skateboard jump (The Why Games)


Midget wars (SHUT UP)


Great knockout kick ((I remember watching this... Seoul olympics... french girl tastes the foot)


Amazing chip by Tiger Woods


Amazing basketball shots (I'm smooth like that)


Fight in a Lacrosse game (Like hockey, but on grass)


Baseball players have fights t (Buy me some peanuts and crackerjack... then let's go over and kick somebody in the back)


Sports bloopers compilation (DOH!)


I wonder how much timeit took (N****please")


Football tackles compilation (Why they earn so much) 


The best of boxing compilation (from the hardest to the softest... for me to beat a n**** down is a day at the office)


Compilation of knock outs from ((Did you want some more? I didn't think so... You just got whipped, like a p**** in the clink, yo)



Pretty nice soccer skills (I'm nice like this... only nicer)


Santa catches a robber and the (Season's Beatings!!)


Compilation of all kinds of po (tornado, etc...)


Very short high school fight (No jokes, s'il vous plait)


L.A. to New York  (time lapse)


These girls make some huge noi (Rrrrrrow!!!!)


A skinhead gets his ass beaten (the Master Race looks pretty stupid here)


Jet vs. Racecar vs. Motorbike(only one has missiles)


Granpa's still virile enough t (The Viagra WORKS!!)


Harsh commentator  (better luck next time)


Some kid gets knocked out in a (This kid gets TOOLED on)


Billabong Odyssey (Sharks think this guy is too crazy to eat)


[Mighty MJD]  (Some dude gets his bell rung)


Another pointless chicks fight (I'd have bitten someone in minute one)


Apache helicopter vs. Lotus sp (I could dust both of these fools in the Smurfmobile)


Crazy knife guy killed by cops  (I told you we meant it)


North Korean way of controllin (By the people, for the people)


I wonder how many bones he bro (Doh II!!)


Big hockey fight

Saturday, September 17, 2005

You Do Not Scare Me, You Silly English Gale

   No problem... hardly a breeze. Rainy, but if you had a golf cart, you could get in a squishy 18 before the nasty stuff starts. The leaves are hardly rustling. The big thunderstorms will hopefully go under (south of) us, and it looks like I could walk Sloppy Dog and stay dry.

   I'm a bit disappointed. I like storms. I didn't want a Katrina storm- I'm crazy, but I'm not stupid.

   Fun is a very individual thing. I may enjoy things that you can't stand, and you may enjoy things that fill me with revulsion. If things work out well, the two Ends are mutually appealing- the Sadist finds the Masochist, the great cook finds the bottomless stomach, the Seller finds the Buyer, etc...

   Or, as it usually works out, one will tolerate some stuff, because the whole is greater than the sum of its' parts. It's a lot like that skit on the Biggie Smalls album: "So anyways, after I s*** on the b****...."

   Anywhooooo... I like storms. It was a motivatng factor that put me on a beach when Monponsett sold. Storms are like God's little action movie, especially on the ocean. You can see a squall roll in, a dark sheet of rain that actually hits the coast like a wet slap. Howling winds are cool to "watch," and the whole atmosphere they provide works for a romantic fire, a solid appreciation of nature's fury, a horror movie, or a really tense news broadcast.

   The sky has that industrial-grey look...the barometer is falling- from 29.9 " to 29.7" in a day or so. The wind is starting to pick up, and  we're getting bursts of hard rain. The center of the storm is south of Nantucket, which means it is almost past us. We'll get kickback rain- sort of what "lake effect snow" looks like on The Weather Channel, but in reverse, and with an ocean. If you were worried about me, you can stop.


Weekend Assignment from Monsieur Scalzi:

Weekend Assignment #77: When I Grow Up

  Since I won't personally be killed today to  my knowledge,  I should probably try to provide some  form of entertainment.... so here is some video I found on the Sports Desk Blog, or something like that. But first, a story...

   I'll be honest with you- I'm not that physically imposing. There are those of us who can bully, and there are those of us who have to think around problems. When I was a kid, I ate every vegetable that was fed to me, in hopes that i could grow up to be all swole and angry and stuff. Didn't work...

   As a child, it was always my dream to be the nicest person with the hands anyone ever knew... knockin' folk smooth out. A lot of money was spent trying to analyze this personality flaw, and I caved in more than one doctor.

   I had very little interest in dolls or Candyland or anything that didn't involve just steady bustin' someone up. I'd get pretty angry in school, when I was actually allowed to circulate unguarded among the populace. I was switched from school to school a lot, but you get used to that after a while.

   Still, even with the time I spent in the Mossad, I never actually got THAT tough. Professional wrestling school (I worked with former pro strangler Killer Kowalski in Lawrence on several charity projects, and I was able to utilize the connection) was of little help, a summer spent as an UFC groupie yielded no great gains, and I was the only person to ever work with Boston's notorious Winter Hill Gang who was allowed to retire afterwards without being killed.

   Whitey Bulger- the WHG leader, who was probably the most terrifying person in Massachusetts history- took a personal interest in my career.  He tried to impart his wisdom onto me, but you can't pour blood into a stone, or whatever that expression is.  After a while, he gave up. For a brief period of time, I eventually failed in my roles as:

- a "holder," the person who gave you the crack when you paid the actual dealer who was standing next to me.

- the person you throw the envelope of protection money to after the serious enforcer does the intimidating.

- "Kercolldraw", which is a Gaelic term that loosely translates to, "the person who tapes the pistol to the back of the toilet tank in the Italian ristorante for the actual assassin."

- Post-Beating Victim Evaluator, which was basically visiting victims of gang violence in hospitals to see if they would pay NOW.

   My work here was also studied by heavies as a sort of reconnaisance, so as they could extort more effectively on future bull runs. Even at WHG holiday functions, it was not unusual for me to be asked, "Should I throw someone out the window back first, so as to maximize damage?"

- Cement Shoe Mixer. As it turns out, if the concrete is not mixed to a proper consistency, the mark rises back up to the surface- which brings about unwanted questions from the Suffolk County District Attorney's office.

   I was terrible at it, and Stephen "The Rifleman" Flemmi actually wept as he gave me a big bag of money... when  they told me that my job was to keep an eye on the Cape Cod Canal and to not stop by the offices under any circumstances. Short of testifying to avoid the electric chair, it was his last public act as a crime figure.... and, ironically, it may have  been made in the best interest of the very people he was terrorizing.

   So... my childhood dream of being a mob enforcer was not meant  to be. I left the Fast Life behind, and moved down the Cape... where things generally are more congenial. The most violence I get these days is the South Korean elections, or the occasional in-law wedding. Mostly, I watch videos like the one listed below. 

   It's two big diesel gentlemen, beating the holy hell out of each other. I'm pretty sure you could hit the bigger guy with a bat and not bother him. Keep in mind, the smaller of these two goes 210 or so... and he lands two or three straight right hands to the jaw of the bigger dude (who looks like John Amos with a Melville beard, all roided up), and he doesn't even flinch.

   I've watched this several times, and I still laugh just thinking about it. God must have carved this guy's head out of depleted uranium. The quote by the cameraman as he congratulates him- "I ain't ever gonna question you, partner" - is pretty sound advice.

   While no brouhaha I've been in was this ugly (though I did bite someone once), I can only imagine that fighting the big guy would be like trying to hold off a Sasquatch... except that the Sasquatch can make fun of you while it bats you around.

   To top it off, he's a perfect gentleman... or at least a good example of whatever sportsmanship can exist when you bloody someone on film in their own backyard for a $500 purse provided by Sound Beat Records.

   If I were fighting someone and they took my three best shots like this big guy does, I'd just cover my face and cower like a p00-sai, maybe even beg.... unless there was any chance of fleeing outright, at which point I'd be Audi like m********* Roddy Rowdy.


this video



Friday, September 16, 2005

Big Huge Animals

First ever photograph of a Giant Squid in the wild... each tentavle on this ibeast is 18 feet long.


15' Mako Shark, Yarmouth N.S.

1000 pound (?) hog, Alabama....or 345 pounds of nasty bacon.... aka HOGZILLA!!!!


New Mexico wapiti

ESPN Outdoors -- Archer tags early-season mega-bull in N.M.


13' Texas alligator


"Mind if I play through, guys?"




120 pound wolf-dog hybrid shot in NY State



50 pound West Virginny rattlesnake (Editor's Note: If more than one guy in your posse has his name on his shirt, you might be a redneck...and someone with a CAT hat pretty much makes the reservation.)


Albino cub, Manitoba.... or Dre and Eminem ended up signing on for that new Yogi Bear movie. (Editor's note: The cub is actually a normal black bear cub, as it lacks the distinctive eye pigmentation of a true albino bear)





Thursday, September 15, 2005

East Coast Killer...

If this link works correctly, you can watch Hurricane Ophelia come up and maybe hit my brand new house. I'm on Cape Cod, just across the Sound from Martha's Vineyard, which is the bigger of the two visible islands south of Cape Cod.


The feeling at HAC is that this will go well south of us, giving us a bit of wind and rain. We may be wrong. It happened, once...

I'm on a big hill, so I'm safe from all but an Ark-building type flood.

Monday, September 12, 2005

How Can I Benefit From This?.... and a Covington Update

Welcome to Massachusetts!

   Don't worry- you get used to stuff like this, Lou...

   "Refugee" is kind of a misnomer. We generally associate it with someone leaving a country to escape persecution, but it can be anyone who seeks refuge. Still, there isn't a nice term for them yet. "Evacuees," "Displaced Persons," or "Residentially Challenged (what I used to use)" will work for now, but a rose by any other name....

   We are all going to pay for this. Federal funds will pour into the Gulf Coast. Gas prices will rise. National businesses- especially those dealing in insurance- could fail. States that are landlocked a thousand miles inland will suffer the wrath of the ocean storm in some manner.

   But there are benefits, once you get past that whole rejoicing-in-someone-else's-misery stuff. Sometimes you move to a small town where they nevereverever win the local high school Super Bowl- like Bourne High (lol) on Cape Cod...

   And sometimes the recently closed military base(in the woods on the other side of the Cape Cod Canal, nonetheless) gets 3000 or 4000 so of what we'll call "Recent Louisianans." That might just be enough to bring a Super Bowl to Bourne High.

 :High School Basketball, Winter 2005 

   I'm not totally evil. I can give you a Pastor's name in Louisiana who will speak highly of me: 

   Still, I'd be remiss to ignore a storm related sports story that sort of dropped into my lap in my new Cape Cod home. This blog is about sports, and it has been on a storm related tangent since the month started. If I ignore this story, we're left with nothing but recipes and chatter.

   I don't think I'd be wrong by saying that half of these Recent Louisianans are elderly, and half of that remaining 50% will be children. Maybe a third of those kids will be high school age. Your average, say, freshman class at Bourne High (greatest name ever) may have 60-100 kids. 2 or 3 hundred Louisiana kids will basically double the size of the school.

   Bourne isn't bad right now. They are 5-0, and- I swear- they have 3 kids named Fernandes who are already killing the other schools.  The Canalmen have a large Portuguese population, as do most Massachusetts towns where seamanship was appreciated.

   Keep in mind, Louisiana kids are probably more into football than your average Cape Cod Ckid. Also understand that SE Massachusetts tends to be really white once you get a mile or two away from the ports or the center of Brockton. It would only take one 300 pound sophomore 17 year old Nate Newton Jr, or a gunslinger QB of an Eli Manning cousin to tip the scales in our favor.... we're talking about a complete shift in the local high school football balance of power.

   It's sort of like one of those economic stimulus packages, in a football sense... except that it only benefits the town with the big empty military base.

(Bourne High and Duxbury High are in different conferences, so no conflict of interest exists here.)

   I've seen worse in Massachusetts, which gave America the term, "Gerrymander." When I first moved to Duxbury, the big rivalries we had were with neighboring Marshfield (larger and blue collar), and  Cohasset- which, along with Duxbury, were the snobby rich kids.. I personally kicked a lot of Cohasset assets on various fields and courts during my time as a Player.

   They were usually lily-white encounters- the only black girl I knew in Duxbury was Missy, the daughter of a Reebok VP, and she listened to Debbie Gibson. Other than her, black people were something you only saw when you went to Boston, like skyscrapers. Our Rodney King Race Riot was Missy's father slamming his fist off the BMW dashboard when the verdict was announced during the Business News.... and he was only mad because they interrupted the business news.

   Cohasset was even more, ummmmm, whiter.

   If you need a visual image of Cohasset... rent The Witches Of  Eastwick.  It was filmed in Cohasset. Duxbury looks the same, only richer. You can run into Joe Perry or Tom Brady in a sub shop in Duxbury.   We used to trick or treat at Juliana Hatfield's Mom's house. Lots of 350 year old houses. Big Bucks...

    But when I was a kid, Cohasset ran a Schwerve, as they say in the WWE. Using a program called METCO, they brought students from the urban hell of Dorchester to the more peaceful coastal life of the suburban rich. Amazingly, 3 of these kids were BUTTA on the hardwood, and Cohasset ran off a Globetrotter-esque 4 state titles.

   One of the kids- BC's Bryan Edwards- was playing with thevarsity as an 8th grader, and is still Massachusetts' leading high school male scorer. They also had a 6'8" leaper and a wizard of a PG who later played at Pitt.

   Cohasset- which may have had a 40 kid senior class- could have probably beaten EVERY local college team... Boston College included. They lookedlike the And One Tour Team, and they thrashed Duxbury like a dominatrix every time they played. I am pretty sure they milked METCO for 20 years or so, and may still be doing it.

   The girls team did it, too. I can recall lying dazed on the court as a junior, with a 200 pound girl heading the other way with the basketball I just had....and a whole bunch of girls I knew from their soccer team openly laughing at me from the Cohasset bench.

(Smurf 2006?)

   That was more shady than what Bourne High is about to have happen. Imagine picking a fight after school with some rich kid punk... but when you show up, you find that he's hired Ray Lewis as a surrogate. That's Cohasset.

  Bourne is more of a case where somebody is rewarded for doing something good. Louisiana has a pile of homeless people. Bourne has a partially empty Air National Guard station. Maybe Bourne skims a QB, a HB, a couple o' WRs, two CBs and a DL or two out of all those other people we are sheltering. As this is a soccer town, we'll provide the kicker.

   It's not like we went down there and recruited...and godamnit, should wetell some displaced kid he can't play in our Reindeer Games? So what if a sudden infusion of Dirty Dirty South gives Bourne an unreal edge on the local 100 yards of grass? How many Recent Louisianans do you think friggin' Fairhaven is sheltering?

   How happy I am. It's Win-Win. We have the houseparty- they bring a bunch of food. Everyone goes home happy... except the other local schools, and they have their own blogs to write in. Eff them. We will bathe in their blood.


Enough evil. May as well check in with Das Pastor:



Here is a quick note to keep you in the loop and help you to pray specifically.  Here is a sampling of the human toll interacting with folks in the last day:

1.    A church family lost their house completely in Slidell.  Everything is gone. Yet a couple drove their 5th wheel from Michigan and gave it to them for free.  God provided.  Yea God!
2.    Another family lost their home.  Trees destroyed it.  Someone is letting them live in their home until December.  Yea God!
3.    An attorney lost his entire law office.  The hurricane set off the sprinkler system and it rained inside the building for 2 days.  The building needs to be gutted.  Pray.
4.    My staff helped a tough 80 year old man remove debris.  He started to cry and said thiswas the first time in his life anyone has ever helped him for nothing.
5.    One family stopped into the church after seeing our sign “Free Food, Free Water”.  We helped them and then the team gathered around and prayed for a specific family need.  One hour later they called and said God answered the prayer and their faith was restored.
6.    One man I talked to had yet to hear if many of his New Orleans relatives survived Katrina and he was searching desperately for them
7.    One Middle Eastern man wanted to know if Katrina was God’s judgment on the French Quarter and New Orleans forwickedness.  This question gave me an opportunity to sharethe gospel of Christ.
8.    One of our men had a Mexican young man show up on his property.  He was lonely, disoriented and hungry.  He had bicycled out of Slidellin the hurricane to escape the flood waters.  He had not eaten for days and didn’t know where to go.

The list could go on and on.  Everyone has a story.


1.    Power is being restored to neighborhoods immediately surrounding the church.
2.    Relief teams have arrived from California, Ohio, Maryland, and Illinois.  A team from North Carolina comes tomorrow.  A man came from Texas to cook for the teams.
3.    We had a spirit led, God honoring worship service yesterday.  We rejoiced in being alive.  The church is being the church – caring,loving, listening, mobilizing.


1.    Pray for spiritual revival and renewal.  God has our attention.  Pray for a spirit of surrender and yieldedness to the calls of God.
2.    Pray that we let our light shine in such a way that people see our good works and glorify our Father who is in heaven.  This happens one person at a time.  As one person said, “Jesus is in us.  Now He wants to come out of us.”  The opportunities are endless.  Last night our half dazed, hot and tired neighbors were outside.  With no A/C since the hurricane they weren’t sleeping at night.  After getting a generator in our bedroom, we invited them to stay in our bed and we went to another house.  They were grateful.
3.    Pray for my staff.  Burnout is easy in these situations and we have just set up a rotation to get people out for 2 days at a time.
4.    Prayfor wisdom in setting up organizational structures to sustain the effort over many months.
5.    Pray for our church families who have no jobs or who have jobs now in jeopardy.  Pray for those who lost homes or have great damage.  Pray for wisdom as schools are out and life is difficult.  My guess is that over half the church is scattered throughout the south.  Some people are moving out of state.  Pray for wisdom.

There is so much more.  Got to go.  Ask the Holy Spirit to take my meager prayers and communicate them right to the Father.  He will!

Betting the farm onGod,




  I was tagged by  Jersey , so here are my answers and the next group of journalers that are tagged. 

Leave a link here if you complete your list and tag the next group!     

Jersey's Link is here: 


  7 Things I Plan To Do Before I Die: 

 1) Meet someone in the street who is a fan of this page

2) rape Tom Brady (before ONE of us dies)

3) teach my children French

4) invent a recipe for chocolate that becomes a Hostess cake

5) see the Red Sox win the World Series (editor's note: CHECK!)

6) go to Vegas and bet $5000 on the Bengals

7) compete (under a mask) for just one night in the WWE      


7 Things I Can Do: 

  1) Forget to say "Always Remember" in my 9-11 column 

2) Dribble with both hands

3) understand rap lingo

4) cook a duck

5) get carded for cigarettes while carrying 2 babies

6) marry someone a foot and a half taller than  me

7) make a sad person laugh in about 30 seconds        


7 Things I Can't Do:  

1) sing

2) sew

3) sound American

4) beat up my younger sister

5) snap my fingers 

6) water-ski or that other thing with the board

7) be serious for long          


7 Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex:  

1) earnestness

2) kindness

3) proficiency

4) intelligence

5) decency

6) power

7) looks        


7 Things I say most often:  

1) I give!

2) Gabrielle, put your sister down...

3) heyyyyyyyyy

4) baby...brb

5) dunno

6) ayup

7) For God's sake, you're crushing my f******* hips 


7 Celebrity Crushes:  

1) Tom Brady

2) Lebron James

3) Sarah Michelle Gellar

4) The Rock

5) Cheryl Rusa

6) David Ortiz

7) Lil'Kim        


7 people I would like to do this:    

1) Amanda

2) Beth

3) Diecast

4) Zach

5) Ty

6) Sportz

7) Lew