Monday, October 29, 2007

Enough Beta Carotene To Turn A Baby Orange

The Pimpkin Patch

This is Mazzilli's Farm Stand in Wareham. When we heard they had green and white pumpkins, we immediately dispatched Elle and Abdullah to investigate... and bring back proof. No mangy bear Sasquatch here, folks... we deal in fact.


The green ones are Snake Gouds, and are strictly for show. Don't be eating the green pumpkins.



Rotten shot... but those front pumpkins are mammoth... maybe 50-75 pounds. The world record is abut 1400 or so... the 1200 pound pumpkin I saw at the Topsfield Fair was bigger than my college dorm.



Other than the fact that Mazilli's is on busy Rte 6 and opposite the "White Pines (Lines) crack hotel, the scenery is positively bucolic.



They also have a wide selection of African Fertitlity phallic symbols. Note the squash and the watermelon fighting for space in the same bin, much like summer and autumn fight it out every October for atmospheric preeminence.


The big orange one in the front is called a Cinderella pumpkin, it's wide and thin, and looks like someone tried to smash it really badly before giving up. I bought like 5 of them.


Let a man use your camera.. get a half-obscured shadowy pumpkin. I wasn't strong enough to hold the pumpkin and focus the camera, so I didn't kvetch about it til he had long since lost interest in this particular project.

I named that pumpkin Captain Lou Albino.


In fact... by the time I left... I had corn stalks tied to my roof, mums, 10 different kinds of pumpkins, 2 bales of straw... and it'll all just sit in my yard til Thanksgiving, impressing maybe 5 neighbors and my babysitter.




There's the white pumpkin again.... just to give you an idea how much weight I can hold in one hand steadily.



If you plan to rob Mazzilli's, may I suggest just grabbing this cart and taking off rickshaw-style?



A few pumpkin links... - Recipe - Stuffed Pumpkin

Pumpkin Chowder Recipe

YouTube - Mayonaise - Smashing Pumpkins Live... YouTube - The Smashing Pumkins "Zero"

itgdcb - (one of the most offensive things I've ever seen, and also brutally funny... I actually spit a Newport out of my mouth when Lucy was bobbing for apples).

YouTube - Giant Pumpkin Time Lapse, High Speed Camera Explosion (if you're going to bed hungry tonight, it may amuse you to know that somebody blew up 1000 pounds of pumpkin pie with a half pound of dynamite.

YouTube - Border Collie Attacks Pumpkin.. my border collie- Sloppy- took about $40K out of my pocket by doing this to my Monponsett house.


Friday, October 26, 2007




Horn-tooting... another AOL interview for Stacey.... Redskins Behind Patriot Lines: Five [Plus One] Questions With An Enemy Blogger - FanHouse - AOL Sports Blog

I think that I have one more gig there... when the Dolphins turn up on the schedule again.... but enjoy that one while it's lasting.

 The Red Sox brought the ruckus last night,and now hold a 2-0 lead on the lookin'-overmatched Colorado Rockies. They might beat Dice K or something, but we can throw Beckett twice in 5 games, and that's pretty much going to be the World Series right there, folks.

 Colorado has fine skiing, and it's already snowing up that way. They'll be fine. Call me in 86 years, and see if I have any sympathy.

Pity is a funny thing. Only humans have it, and humans are very selective about when they use it. Peyton Manning doesn't know who I am and has never purposefully tried to harm me... but if I heard that he'd torn his knee up today, I'd be pleased.

Tearing up your knee hurts really, really badly... like wicked bad. It may make Manning cry, and even Rodney Harrisson won't call him a p****y over it. I'd wince as I watched the injury, just like a non-sociopath would.... but you'd be amazed how quickly my mind would shift into a whole other gear. "That's a whole season and the playoffs, easy... who's the backup?..... can Indy still win the division?.... has the trade deadline passed?.... possible wild card advancing now.....etc..." As the consequence of the injury set in, I may even crack a little smile..... although I'd make an effort not to let my daughters see me doing so.

I wouldn't be alone, either. Football is an ugly game, and injury is the reality. If Manning gets hurt, that's reality... and you have to deal with reality eventually. The time one wastes on pity is time taken away from preparation for the new reality. Allowing yourself a small chuckle is merely a device for defeating pity, which takes longer to exhibit than mirth does.

Anything can happen out there... which is why sports betting is so fun. It gives Manning- who actually looks like a decent enough gentleman- a chance to get back at me for laughing at his ACL injury, by beating the point spread and costing me my week's pay at the high school.

The best way to avoid letting Manning beat you by himself is to bet a lot of games. The best way to do that is to get a lot of help from your babysitter, as well as heeding what your bookmaker friend tells you. Between Elle, Abdullah and myself, we have brought you today's football picks:


NY Giants 21, Miami 17

Miami is in that fast-spin part of the slow swirl into the septic tank. At least they have a superb autumn climate. Last week Miami looked like my high school team at Duxbury looked when we'd go play a city team and get stomped on by all the klack girls.... 60 minutes of in-over-their-heads terror.


Oakland 14, Tennessee 13

This season, you have to pick teams that you don't like every now and then. Hence, the Raiders.


Philly 31, Minny 21

More than one team will be firing the scout who advised them to pass over freakish Minnesota tailback Adrian Peterson. The boy runs angry.... and he has a good reason to be angry, because the 21 points I pedicted equals him running wild all day, his QB-deficient offense failing to get into the end zone, and Minnesota having to kick 7 field goals.


St. Louis 34, Cleveland 28

St. Louis has to win some time, and a loss to an 0-7 team can be hidden easily enough among the other losses on Cleveland's 2007 resume. St. Louis QB Marc Bulger is actually, in a week-by-week basis, being pursued more doggedly than federal fugitive Whitey Bulger.


Chicago 14, Detroit 13

Detroit has been burning me all year, but I don't see them winning the requisite amount of these type of games that separate the 7-9s from the 10-6s.


Carolina 28, Indy 27

Someone will be looking ahead to New England/Indy... I choose Them.


Pittsburgh 21, Cincy 20

Both of these teams have looked ugly recently, but the bangles look uglier.


Jacksonville 10, Tampa 7

There may be better backyard football games in Florida that day, especially near UMiami.


NY Jets 20, Buffalo 19

Avid historian Belichick was actually gathering material for his The Sudden Rise And Fall Of The Mangina documentary that fateful/costly afternoon in September.


San Diego 24, Houston 14

If Sn Diego were a big Unit, their coach would be the Anti-Viagra. Call your doctor if you can't get a stiffy in 16 weeks. They can beat these clowns, though.


 New Orleans 28, San Francisco 7

I owe Pastor Sprague this much for that home run of a prayer he seems to have hit with the Big Guy in regards to the Red Sox. I should have him pray for my mutual funds.


 Green Bay 70, Denver 0

Fuh Colorado.


New England 38, Washington 21

21 of those 21 Redskin points will be scored against guys who are on the Patriot roster because Belichick owed their college coach a favor. If Tom Brady wanted to fu** your daughter, would you really stop him at this point? 


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Looks Like You Can't Go Home Again....

My sister sent me some pictures of the new owner tearing down my old house in Duxbury.


You see... the ceiling had this leak. We tried to fix it, carpenters tried to fix it... kept leaking. You kind of got used to it after a while. The new owner didn't feel that way. You'll also notice that they let my garden go to Hell.


Nice spot.....waterfront, in a rich town. Those little circular windows on the upper floor were actual portholes.


This house survived Hurricane Belle, Gloria, Bob... as well as countless Nor'Easters, including the Clooney-worthy Perfect Storm.


Had the Pilgrims wanted direct waterfront access,,,this could very well have been where they landed. Plymouth Rock is just a short seagull flight south.


I've bought a lot of property in my short (shut up) life.... and it never hurts to remember, when buying real estate, to:

A) Visit it at night, to see how the neighborhood is in the dark.

B) Schedule a visit when it's raining, so as to look for tear-your-house-down-typeleaks

Here's the front view, basically. That's my flagpole.



I watch a lot of TV wrestling, and I know that most wrestlers can take a fall. Still, even my husband was like "OMG" when this happened.

WWE: Mediaplayer > Exclusive: Candice receives medical attention after her match

Well,,,,the Colonel doesn't actually say "OMG," but it is still a truly ugly video.

Broken clavicle, btw....


We need levity.... YouTube - Jonathan Papelbon Does an Irish Jig in his Underwear


 The best part about this video is that there aren't a lot of White Guy Dunk Contests, especially in Europe....the poor girl probably never knew what was coming........ YouTube - Girl Owned In Slam Dunk Contest


Sportsmanship is key to a guy like Chad Johnson, who would never show up someone he beat.... YouTube - Football dance


Why the Colonel never lets me drive his truck..... YouTube - Horrible NASCAR Crash

Monday, October 22, 2007

Disturbing The Priest


Most of you don't know that I spent a lot of 2005 involved in Katrina relief work. During that time, I established a rapport with the Pastor of the Trinity Church in Covington, Louisiana. Here's the addy...

I (well...actually...Jamie Mottram and Bob Wooldridge) got him a FAT free radio ad played nationally on AOL, and I also got him some much-needed warehouse space. I aoperated a message board that helped people get in contact with missing family memebrs. I even housed refugees.

 Toot Toot my own horn, yes....

I have friends in Louisiana, and I was driven by that to become involved when Katrina basically smashed their hometown into wet kindling. They're fine, now... I spent a chunk of this summer visiting there, and they basically own a plantation. Pure Southern Luxury.

But I still keep in touch with Pastor Sprague....... we still trade emails now and then.... the motherlover works like a hungry immigrant, and God is lucky to have that man on  His side.

But I'm a bottom-line kind of girl.... and don't try to shove that soul-caging Eternal Reward stuff down my throat when I want something tangible.... so it's time call in Pastor Sprague's marker.

From the "Sent Mail" section of Monponsett's AOL account:


Pastor Sprague,  

You owe me...

I got you a free national radio ad during the greatest crisis your flock ever faced, as well as leaning on the guy who got you the warehouse space..... and, while some might not want to put the squeeze on a Pastor. I'm not above such things.   It's time to collect.  

At the next mass (or whatever you Southerners call it... I was drafted by the Catholics, myself) you preach.... and at every Mass afterwards until All Saints Day (unless there's a lot of rain in the New England area, which will lengthen the time needed) ... I want a public prayer for the Boston Red Sox to win the 2007 World Series. Don't play it for comedy, either... I want God listening seriously when you address Him.  

Now.. I know that there are souls to pray for, hungry to feed, poor to help along, and so forth... and that's all well and good. I know you've been working tirelessly helping out after Katrina, and I appreciate that (and I'm not alone).... but, like, all those people can wait a couple weeks, no?  

I mean... I'm trying to cover all the bases. I've spoken with a Muslim friend of mine who handles my illegal sports booking, and he assured me that he'd go to his Imam with my request. My attorney will be speaking to his Rabbi. I smoke a little grass now and then, so Buddha is covered. I live near Boston... which is essentially Dublin I figure that the Catholics are already locked in. You're my Baptist.  

Now, stop all this clowning around with the Katrina victims and get to work. Don't make me have to come down there.  

- Stacey



Update.... Sprague works quick, I'll give him that:



You got it!!!!!!!!!!    

Everyone down here is for Boston! I don't know one person in the south who isn't cheering for the SOX. Honest.  

It's a done deal. Boston's got it. Even this old Orioles fan is sold out to the Sox this world series. Actually its anybody but the Yankees. Sox in 6 games.

We are even now.  

Sleep easy.  

- Pastor Michael

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Massachusetts Uber Alles

As the smoke stench from the ruined Meza Luna wafts across the bay into my window... we have a whole heckuvalot to talk about.

Manny, bases loaded, 1-2, 1st inning... Carmona throwing straight 90s at him... on the coach at home, UMJ.

Grand Salami! J.D. Drew just matched his regular season RBI total in one swing.

Baseball is my least favorite sport. It's high drama, no doubt.... I just never could play it. My eyesight is too bad (or, as I like to say, the ball is too small), and I don't really like to have stuff thrown at me. I spend a lot of time going EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK when I play baseball, which isn't often.

Now, get me on the court, and I'm trouble... last week, I messed around and had a triple double.... but I digress.

The Sox will be dead or alive by the time you read this, so we'll just sort of let them work that out for themselves. We're here to talk football, as I sort of neglected to do it during the week because I was Otherwise Occupied. We did get a bit of Miami talk out of the Monponsett AOL interview, so we can skip that other than to predict a 17-13 Patriots win, well below the 74 point spread that I think Vegas is providing.


Tennessee 13, Houston 10

When in doubt, bet on the team which has sucked less historically 


Tampa Bay 17, Detroit 16

More history... Detroit once lost the Battle Of Detroit. Bet Tampa. 


New Orleans 28, Atlanta 19

 I wonder if anyone has forcibly sodomized Mike Vick yet in the joint.


Baltimore 24. Buffalo 17

 If they have... Vick may have looked back at the man and said "Well... still beats living in Buffalo."


NY Giants 28, San Fran 14

 NFL teams should all keep at least one actual Giant on their rosters to block field goals and stuff.


Washington 20, Arizona 17

 They'd bring some guys back from the most recent Cardinals team that won a NFL championship, except that it's easier to find a Spanish-American War veteran.


KC 24, Oakland 20

 Tony Gonzalez is so elusive, he snuck into Missouri from Mexico without touching Texas.


Cincy 38, NY Jets 27

Mangina will be coaching Brewster High at this time next year. 


Dallas 28, Minny 13

Dallas should do OK now that they're back in the JV games.


Philly 16, Chicago 13

Chicago will get like 7 sacks and still lose.


St. Louis 28, Seattle 27

 They gotta win sometime. I choose Now.


Denver 17, Pittsburgh 15

 6-1, Red Sox... and it's fitting that our Navajo player may have driven the last nail into the Indians.


Indy 24, Jacksonville 17

Peyton Manning is the only non-Yankee that I actually want to see suffer some catastrophic injury. I know, it's wrong. Deal (v).

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

If Joe Loong still was at AOL, I wouldn't be having these problems...

I want that picture bigger...

"Run Run Run From The Ghetto Bird..."

Monday, October 15, 2007

Soul On Ice

Ahhhhhhhhhhh... another 84 games of Bruins ineptitude.

Hockey will one day return to rule this land, as it once did. It just won't be this day. I look upon hockey as a big sleeping bear that will roar out of hibernation and fall upon helpless victims/fans who think that he just wants their pic-a-nic baskets. It's too innately cool not to.

That's about 10 failed NHL franchises and a radical shift in the style of play/coverage away... right now, a former third-liner like Bobby Schmatz(?) would be the best player on the Columbus Blue Jackets, with a reciprocal suckiness prevailing through the rest of the NHL. Third-liners had talent when I was a kid... right now, the talent is spread too thin.

One thing will save the NHL... the Black Man.

However they get it done, they need to get blacks (and especially Southern blacks) into hockey. I'm not trying to be racialist or anything... it's just that the NHL is leaving a very athletic 30 million people out of their orbit while the league sucks serious wind from lack of talent.

People will tell you that blacks don't skate well because they have weak ankles, while others will tell you that the broad heel of the black man will- once properly utilized- be a superior propulsion device. One of those two statements is correct, or maybe not.

I've actually heard the first one before, but I sort of cobbled the second one out of something I read someone saying in a book about Nathaniel Bedford Forrest. I think I'm the first one to apply this racial nonsense to the NHL, though. I'll allow that it may be common-yet-unspoken knowledge among the NHL's Illuminati.

Why the black man will really save the NHL is simply that- out of 30-40 million souls- there will be 250 or so who will be very good hockey players. 250 talented guys entering the NHL drops 8 good players onto each team, even cow towns like Columbus or ucking Fottawa (Bobby Heenan on the outskirts of Ottawa... "They could have an avalanche here and collect five or six hundred dollars in federal aid."). Lord knows they need it.

Liberally spread about, that's a center, two forwards, two defensemen, a goalie, a penalty-killer and a goon working their way onto each team via Darwinism... 8 guys simply came about who were better than the 8 guys who used to fill those roles. The level of play will increase, which will bring the television money in, which will eventually make everyone happy.

It's all step #1 in my evil plan to take over both New World continents as one big America. I've never trusted Canada, and- while the concept is laughable now- there was once a time when the USA was very much indeed under threat of invasion from both North and South.. perhaps concurrently. I'll be damned if my great-grandchildren will one day be cut down by the Victoriavilles of the northern barbarians.

It'll take a generation or two to get everyone south of Texas to speak English only, but we'll need the manpower to fight the goddamned Red Chinese someday anywho, no? We'll also need an ultra-secure northern flank. Hockey is where it begins. World domination may just rest on an Allen Iverson-style right wing leading Calgary into the NHL finals.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Cowboys and Indians

Big ol' happenings in the sports blogosphere this week.

 First... sorry about missing last week. October is always tough here at the Compound, and this October has been a doozy. Here's what's going on...

 It was decided just last night to allow full-time sportswatching status to Stacey, the regular host of the column here. Fans of the column will recall that Stacey was put into a preventative coma until the Yankees were eliminated... which, if I read the news correctly, just happened.

Stacey has been resisting her forced naps more heartily recently, as Smurfs get special powers in October. When she's awake, she complains of dreams in which she is smothered out by an evil teenager. She thinks that she has post-concussion syndrome, and we're not going to do anything to spoil that, are we?

The Patriots are dynsaty-hot. The Celtics look really, really good. The Bruins just started, and haven't lost that many games yet. The Sox no longer have to face their personal boogeyman. Her birthday is this weekend, and autumn is a lot of fun when you have kids. With all that in mind- and after a lengthy meeting involving the medical staff, the editorial board of this paper, the Colonel, Abdullah (our bookie), her immediate family, the babysitter (hi!), and a wiccan friend of Stacey's- it was decided that Stacey will be re-released onto the blogosphere after her birthday this weekend.

Since the blog job is so huge, they'll keep me around for various odds and ends. We'll also involve Abdullah, who looks Italian and crosses himself a lot for a Muslim. He's called Abdullah because "he's the butcher," and he'll provide us with some insight into our football picks. Stacey's stil sort of groggy after being smothered to sleep for like 80 straight nights, and it's best not to give her full sway in monetary matters just yet.

Granted... I wasn't born when Troy Brown was at Marshall, but I like to think that I can do better than I've done this season. All I can say is that the Texans, the Packers, the Browns, and the Bears have made a lot of people look foolish this season, and a fool and her money are soon parted.

Before we act the fool this week.... we have to discuss the Red Sox.

Now.. this is where Stacey would be handy, as I don't watch a lot of baseball. Here's what I know about the Cleveland Indians....

- They should distance themselves from the racial Indian name by adopting a more Hindu look to their uniforms. That way, they could still be the Indians... but instead of offending the people who own our casinos, they could suddenly turn on 2 billion potential new customers.

- The guy Cleveland is trotting out to pitch game one-  C.C. Sabithia- who looks to go about 295 pounds or so. This guy is fat- his idea of a balanced meal is a bucket of KFC under each arm. Fat guys can actually pitch pretty well, as the belly changes the center of gravity in such a way as to add more oomph to the pitch. See David Wells or Luis Tiant on YouTube for further insight.

- New England area teams will play Cowboys and Indians this week.

- Cleveland is one of the few cities with pro sports teams and a body of water that I have absolutely no interest in visiting. Others include Buffalo, Salt Lake City, Indianapolis and anything New Jersey.

- It's just not the same without the Yankees awaiting us. I'm not saying that it isn't BETTER, but it isn't the same.

- It's "Thome" as in "No Way," not person-with-a-harelip-saying-"home."

- It's a well-known fact that Japanese pitchers fall apart in October. OK, it's not actually a fact, but I just wanted that on the Internet somewhere.

Now... onto football.

New England has been running the NFL like a dangerous pimp, and last week saw us whallop the helpless Cleveland Browns. You pretty much saw the end of the Derek Anderson era, although ol' Romeo was too wise to throw Brady Quinn out into that blizzard of defensive pressure we were laying on them last week.

This week brings us the Cowboys. The Dallas Cowboys are undefeated, although I don't know how the pulled out last week's game with that Romo throwing 5 INTs. If they do that against us, they'll be down 38-something in no time.

Some people are calling this a Super Bowl preview, and there is a chance that we'll play the old vanilla game plan this week. I personally think that we can get away with it, as Dallas appears to be in disarray at the QB position. Something deep in my psyche sees a New England/Indy showdown of the unbeaten looming around November or so.

Texas is well-known for football, with their high school games drawing crowds that would shame the Atlanta Hawks. New England is where football began, as well as the birthplace of the tremendous Thanksgiving game tradition. Dallas has always been good, while we are currently the Top Dog.

It makes for a great matchup. Our coach is a genius, and is fully empowered under the Patriot Act to videotape the other coaches. Their coach is a rookie. Our QB knocks up actresses and dumps them for supermodels. Their QB is a Romo.

The X and Os will decide it, but Abdullah is perfectly happy with me betting huge based on the knowledge shown in that last paragraph. New England 38, Dallas 31.\


Cincy 31, KC 24

The best cure for a defense that can't stop anyone is an offense that can't score.


Jacksonville 17, Houston 14

Andrew Jackson would beat Sam Houston in a fight, so I choose his town.


Miami 21, Cleveland 9

Brady Quinn may not debut next week, but he should. That other kid sucks like Remora.


Green Bay 20, Washington 19

Green Bay can fatten up their record on chumps, but they'll never beat three good teams in a row in the playoffs.


Baltimore 24, St. Louis 7

Hurt QB, hurt RB, 0-5 or so, and the homicidal Ravens on tap. Thank God that St. Louis has an NBA team to keep them busy all winter. What? Oh..... never mind.


Chicago 16, Minnesota 13

The difference between Minnesota and Chicago is that Minnesota knew they were going to suck this season, while Chicago sort of got a kick-in-the-guts surprise.


Philly 24, NY Jets 21

Belly Check must have been selling those tapes around the NFL, because the Jets have been beaten like a lazy houswife by pretty much whoever stepped up to them all season long.


Tennessee 17, Tampa Bay 16

I wonder if people in Tampa even notice when it turns to autumn, and I don't mean "wow... only 82 degrees today" notice-it's-autumn.


Arizona 20, Carolina 19

In Arizona, they know it's autumn because all the illegal border crossers dress up like lost trick-or-treaters.


San Diego 38, Oakland 10

Oh yeah... it looks like THIS is how LT runs for 2000 yards a season... two Oakland games every fall.


New Orleans 20, Seattle 19

In an alternate dimension, Louisiana residents send lots of aid to tsunami-wrecked Cascadia.


NY Giants 30, Atlanta 7

Smart move not isolating unbeaten Dallas/New England on national TV in favor of this must-see game.