Thursday, March 29, 2007

Cape Cod Idol



(DY) Welcome to Cape Cod Idol! My name is Dennis Yarmouth, and I'll be your emcee for this evening's entertainment.

Yes, Cape Cod Idol...the show where YOU get to cast judgement on aspiring musicians. We don't even make you call a costly and infuriating 900 number...and you can comment at length!

I've only seen about 5 minutes of the actual show, so forgive me in advance for things like not quite understanding the show's format, or not knowing what the name of the black guy is (my brain defaults on this one and says "Al Roker."). We'll still have lots of fun!

We've established a star-studded panel of judges for today's episode. Let's meet them all, shall we?

First, from Bridgewater State College (soon to be BSU), she's a 24 year old waitress/nanny with a trust fund. Her career goal is to marry someone wealthier than she is. She is the final manifestation of her mother's desire to give her French children preppy American names, and is not named after the baseball park... ladies and gentlemen, the lovely and single Shea Monponsett!

(SM) Thank you, Dennis. It's nice to be here.

(DY) Next... from Fort Drum, NY, he killed men on three different continents before his honorable discharge from the services of our country. He now works as a consultant for MEMA. He's had an argument with his wife over the need to have more than one assault rifle in the house, and currently has a 101 degree fever. Let's have a big Hoo-Rah for Colonel Stephen Bloodletter!

(CSB) Cough...

(DY) Finally... the anchorman.. the senior Senator from Massachusetts... the last of the Great Sons... he who would be King... he has less talent than Bobby or Jack, but he has shown far greater staying power. He's killed as many people as George Bush's wife, and he really enjoys Scotch. Give it up for Ted Kennedy!

(TK) Er, ah... I didn't kill that woman... the water did.

(DY) We'll get judges from Beyond Stacey's Living Room for the next episode, but pretty much everyone here on Team Monponsett is all about striking while the iron is hot.

Enough small talk... let's get down to the dirt.


This week's contestants:

YouTube - Black Sabbath - Neon knigths (Jenny Pauzner, the band name escapes me, cover song)

(TK) Before we go any further with this, I plan to personally enact legislation that would make it against the law to cover Ronnie James Dio songs without the prior authorization of Congress.

(CSB) 24 straight hours of Dio blaring at the Presidential Compound is actually how we got Noriega to give himself up... all that stuff you read elsewhere are simply lies told by our government to prevent Dio from seizing power here in the US.

(SM) Imagine the howling Satan spawn her uterus is going to issue forth someday. 't'will be the Eater Of Worlds.

(TK) Let the record show that I like heavy metal chicks. I just had to act like I enjoyed Wayne Newton-style music after I dropped that girl in the marsh. Things like that make a difference in places like Iowa.

(CSB) I can see her doing a benefit concert to burn down Walden Woods.

(SM) I think the person who posted the video spelled "neon" wrong.

(TK) She doesn't move much, does she? It's like having a dirty blonde Morticia Adams statue.


YouTube - Final Fantasy covers Mariah Carey

(SM) When band geeks discover marijuana... 

(CSB) He's the kind of kid you go to beat up in high school... then he plays something cool with the violin... and you're impressed. You beat him up anyhow, but you're impressed with him while you're doing it. You try to not injure his Bow Hand.

(TK) I tried to take violin lessons as a child. My father smashed it to splinters in front of me, and called me a "p***y." I got into politics like 6 hours later.

(SM) I think he's cute. He dresses poorly, but you can train men around stuff like that.

(CSB) The rest of the band must look really stupid if they're forced to keep the camera on that kid for the whole show.

(TK) I need a Scotch.

(SM) I hope he wins this episode... he's never going to win anything else.


YouTube - 48HORAS- You oughta know (Alanis cover)

(CSB) Mother-

(SM) Loving-

(TK) Christ!


(TK) This reminds me... I need another Brazilian maid.

(SM) She's a tramp. She dresses like Mickie James.

(CSB) Mickie James dresses like her... 

(TK) That's a pretty terrible band. She's pretty, and they're terrible.

(SM) What you have right there is about 650 pounds of Brazilian dope.


YouTube - Focus - Hocus Pocus Live(1973) 

(CSB) This shouldn't count... this is a real band.

(SM) Well..kinda.

(TK) Some flute-playing singer could come along today and all these dumb kids would think that HE invented heavy-metal yodeling... but the three of us now know the truth.

(SM) The drummer wouldn't make it through airport security today. They could never tour.

(CSB) They tour within VW Bus range.

(TK) I'm anti-Dutch. They like windmills too much. You can't trust people like that. They drop out of NATO and surrender to Germany in 6 weeks.

(CSB) The Netherlands aren't on our Suspect Nationality List. They're just funny white people, like Vermonters.



Tuesday, March 13, 2007

We're drinkin' quarts on court, so how you handlin'?



Play along! You have to sign up for ESPN Fantasy, but what the hell?

Be careful when you sign up, or they try to sell you insurance and Pontiacs... which, in Colorado, means "Poor Old Nevadan thinks it's a Cadillac."

Go there, and make a name for yourself! I recommend utilizing a little flair, or at least representing your town.

Once you do that, you'll have to snoop around for the "Create/join an entry" Once you click that link, you have to look for the "Cape Cod Today" group. Here's the link to that:

Once you do THAT, you can create your bracket. Now... some people get discouraged. "I don't know anything about basketball," they say. To that, I will answer with the story of Beth.

Beth, as readers of this column know, is a friend of mine from AOL. When I broke my leg or had Melissa or something, she was kind enough to take over my AOL Blog... expressly for the purpose of making sure that I didn't fall out of the NFL fantasy league I was in.

My first choice was this guy named SportzAssassin who I saw go 16-0 calling NFL games one week, but he was one of the Others in that league, and was thus right out. Beth, as a teenage girl who is into things like clothes and boys, wasn't my ideal choice for this gig... but she's a nice kid, and she offered.

Off I went to wherever, and Beth made my football picks... using logic like "a Lion would kill a Cardinal" and "I always thought that 'The Patriot' was a good movie.... I choose them." When queried, the only NFL players she could name were "that cute one who always wins the Super Bowl (Tom Brady)" and "Randy Messy"... who I'm pretty sure is the Oakland flanker.

She went like 14-2, and won the league for me 2 weeks in a row. She then joined the league herself, and had a better record than Joe Theisman, Merrill Hoge, Mel Kiper Jr. and Chris Berman by the time she quit sports prognostication to concentrate on her job at the local Applebee's.

So... keep Beth in mind when you fill out your bracket. The best laid plans of mice and men often fail.. which is why God made cats.

Join. Play. Win.

"I'm liver(rhymes with 'driver') than, Allen Iverson, take it to the hole, throw it in, triple doublin."

"Sore loser, take off your jersey, cuz you're not (James) Worthy"

"I'm slammin' n****s like Shaquille."

"gettin' mad assists, like Skip To My Lou at the Rucker."

 "Get me on the court, and I'm trouble...Last week, messed around and got a triple double....freakin brothers every way, like MJ"

"Your gang is full of fakers, kid... you should trade your best player, like the Lakers did"

 "I got to have it... I miss Mr. Magic"

"Got me some of those Air Olden Polynices.."

 "I make girls the Knicks gettin' Jordan in a trade."

 "I treat you like Akeem, goin' for a rebound."

"I don't want to... but if I have to, I'll kick Kareem"

"I get high like Rik Smits"

"Lookin out of place, like Fuzzy Zoeller at the Rucker."

 "Simple and plain, give me the lane... I'll throw it down your throat like Barkley"

 "I was a Knicks fan, they had Stickland- they traded him... ever since then, I hated them."

"He finally wakes up... Doc's goin' to town."

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Pimp Thyself

A lot of people are quick to disrespect Monponsett's status in the AOL Blogosphere as a top-notch Insider who entertains jillions of fans, who in turn show their affection with cunnilingus-like devotional intensity.

I think I'm like #195,000 at Technorati, who are merely slaves to the numbers and don't know Dique about how Smurf be handlin'.

Most people don't know Dique, and it's not just because I made the word up 40 seconds ago. 195,000th out of 10 million blogs isn't bad- it's about a 1090 SAT score- but those numbers are skewered by Technorati's insistence on things like Readership and Linkage.. and those things don't work in my favor.

I actually don't write that well for someone who writes all the time and occassionally collects money for said talent. I'm not sure if spelled/spelt "occassionally" properly, for instance. My education was focused in other areas than where to place a colon, and I've never regretted it.

I suppose a critical review of this page would use words like "overlong," "rambling," "vulgar," and "demented." I'd be upset, except that's pretty much what I was shooting for. Although I plug the occassional charity, this column serves little Good purpose in the world. I'd probably avoid this page too, if I were you.

Still, I like writing, and why howl into the abyss like all the other losers? Your average NYC graffiti artist has his/her work seen by more people than the the best ballet dancer or folk musician, merely because the bus/canvas goes by more people daily than can fit in a MFA or a coffeehouse.

Likewise, the only way to claw out of obscurity with this instrument is to draw enough attention to this web page that someone with money (hence my desire for visibility) will:

A) hire me to write a weekly column

B) deem this page's traffic volume to be significant enough so that they'll pay me to place prominent banner ads for their Pornography sites in my articles.

I'd prefer B, as it would essentially make me my own boss and place no limitations on my Art. I'm the boss of this page, and I'm something like the Upper Cape Cod Bureau Chief at The pay is such that I've set "Porn Site Link Sales" as an optimal career goal.

This is all aimed at C) I sit around all day after the kids have moved out, smoke marijuana, write a little, and go out to eat a lot. I already own the house and the spouse, so I think I could get by on $10,000 a year if I grow my own.

Note the time period ("after the kids have moved out") I've allowed myself. Quick, decisive strikes require resources of Talent and Marketability that are simply beyond me, so I use other methods that require more simmering time... as most good dishes usualy do.

One method is what biologists call Involuntary Symbiotic Association. I like to leave comments on blogs that do better traffic than mine. While serving the purpose of getting my name out there, it provides the host a valuable (and frequent) source of comments. It's remora-mako, win/win, both hands washed.

I try to pick on AOL employees, simply because they're paid to tolerate some level of nonsense, and aren't paying money to have a page that can be randomly visited by some clown who thinks they are funnier than they really are. I try to be sweet when I visit Dad's Tomato Garden or Dribble by Chuck Ferris (see links on side). I do whatever I want when I log in as "Ted from Hyannisport" and start visiting the pages of my fellow writers at CCToday.

One of the best places to go is By The Way, which is run by John Scalzi. I forget how I stumbled onto this page, but he does about 5 articles a day that are very fun to leave goofy comments on.

It doesn't pay, but I like to think that I'm right around the top of the underappreciated field of Commenting. The following is part of the proof... what I consider to be the better comments I've left on that page.

Check the article, then check the comments. I'm there somewhere. Enjoy!

Bearly Sane

Honestly, I Don't Know How I Missed This One

Extreme Laundry!

Also, Unless It's Actually His Name, Don'tCall Him "Officer Bacon"

The Picture and Story That Will Almost Certainly Convince You to Quit Smoking If You've Not Done So

Wednesday Author Interview: Joe Hill

Teaching the Kids About money

The Girl Gave Me Some Fish Sticks and Suddenly Here I Am in Niagra Falls

A Sad Reminder That Ours Is a World With Physics

Weekend Assignment #93: Suggest A Weekend Assignment!

He's a Super Geek, Super Geek, He's Super Geeky, Yow

The Unbreakable Willpower of the Committed Parental Unit

300 Million is Coming

The British Commonwealth: Your Home For Truly Bizarre Stories

The Hardest Job Imaginable.... (I was quite proud of my ruthlessness in this one)

The Bad News Is, They Already Figured Out How to Read the Messages

Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl

The Case of the Missing Soccer Ball

Weekend Assignment #100: Facts From the Future!

Want to Meet a Canadian? Dance!


- We'll split the scalzi into several entries, as there is mucho volume here....future versions of this column will feature Joe at Magic Smoke, DC Sports Guy at and NBA Fanhouse,, Ted's Take (featuring AOL something Ted Leonsis... there's a bit where I try to sell him a lake that is very good), and wherever else I may roam.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Got me some of those new Air Olden Polynices....

I was going to write a big hockey article, but you all deserve better than to have someone talking to you about hockey who is like "They put a team in Columbus.? "

The most I can say about this column's involvement in hockey is what Chris Rock's fictional Nat X character said when asked why blacks aren't as prominent in pro hockey (although there are several very good black players) as they are in basketball or football... "We have not chosen to dominate that sport yet."

Ya gotta go with what you know, as Chuck D once said. I played/coached/watched basketball my whole life. I watch an NBA game more intensely than 99% of the fans, analyzing technique, strategy, and execution. I play Fantasy Basketball on ESPN (go to the Fast Break fantasy league, look for the "Boston Celtics Rule" group, and I'm "Bourne To Kill". I think I'm 4th place out of 50, but I miss a lot of days due to travel/hospitilization/etc...). Hoops is my thang.

I love football, too... but I have never been coached in it, and my playing experience boils down to kicking field goals after soccer practice (175% motivated by my desire to flirt with the players, although I'm good from 50 off a tee) and a Powderpuff game at Duxbury High School that was highlighted by my spearing a girl in the back during what was supposed to be Touch Football.

Sure, Missy was hurt, and Missy most likely wasn't taking the game as seriously as I was... but sports are like warfare, and sometimes the innocents suffer. Eff her. I have bigger fish to fry.

Every year for my birthday, just before the season starts, the Colonel gets me that NBA Season Ticket thingy that lets me wake up at 3 AM (as, sadly, I am prone to do) and watch a half-hour of Seattle vs Portland. Not many people would do such a thing, but I consider it to be part of the root of my Power. I simply Know where others are forced to Guess.

Which is why I'm here today to break down the NBA, team by team. I had actually planned to do this in October when the season started, but I was thrown down a mountain instead, and spent most of November going "Owwwwwwwwwww." By the time I was off the painkillers, it was NFL Playoff time.

If this starts getting lengthy, I may break it down into Eastern and Western Conferences. Trust me, it'll be seamless.

So...let's fry this chicken:




Toronto (33-29)

Toronto leads the Atlantic Division, which means that they simply suck les than Philly/Boston/NJ|NY. Still, this long-time doormat is ruling a weak Atlantic. This is sort of like how the Christians sell Heaven to people... "eat dirt long enough... and you'll gain eternal reward... where EVERYBODY eats dirt, not just you."

They have emerging star Chris Bosh, mercurial guard T.J. Ford. Eurotrash Andrea Bargnani and absolutely no hope of getting past the first round of the playoffs... unless they face a one man gang like Cleveland, and LeBron breaks his own leg somehow.

Still, a round of playoff play is better than Toronto will be getting from their hockey team this year, so Go Canada!

New Jersey (28-33)

New Jersey is what happens when you base a team around 3 guys, and have no money left to pay anyone else. It might look good for a few games, but you end up 28-33 in a poor division.

Vince Carter will sign with someone else next summer, Jason Kidd is in a messy divorce, and Richard Jefferson can be injured by saying "BUMP" loudly near him. But all 3 are good players. The problem comes from players 4-12, who suck like a tick.

This team is headed to Brooklyn soon, and I predict that they will then lead the NBA in merchandise sales immediately... and that, sadly, is what the NBA is all about.

New York (28-34)

New York is currently spending 120 million dollars (or 5 times what Charlotte pays out on salaries), so the great improvement they've shown since last year should be taken with a grain of salt. They are currently paying Larry Brown $5 million not to coach this team.

Eddy Curry is having a breakout season, and they mortgaged the future of the team to get him. David Lee works hard on the boards, and Stephon Marbury dribbles well. They are run 100% by Zeke Thomas, and he is currently working under a make-the-playoffs-or-be-fired demand from the owner.

New York deserves worse, but they're currently third in the Atlantic, and Zeke has an outside chance of keeping his job.

Philadelphia (23-38)

They started the year with former All Stars Allen Iverson and Chris Webber, and are now led by Andre Igoudala and Samuel Dalembert. The 50 loss season they are headed towards is actually sort of encouraging.

They were thought to be Boston's chief rival for the Oden/Durant Lottery (Greg Oden and Kevin Durant are far and away the most NBA-ready kids in college currently, and the worst team gets first choice among the incoming NBA rookies), but they brewed up a quick winning streak, and now it's a race for Worst team in The NBA between Memphis and...

Boston (17-43)

We'll get to the Celtics in an article I'll write later, when I have more mood-enhancing drugs.



Detroit (37-22)

While still the best team in the East as long as Shaq or Dwayne Wade is hurt, no one fears these dudes anymore since Big Ben Wallace took his chef-hat-sized afro to Chicago for 15 million per.

Formr Celtic Chauncey Billups (traded for what became Gin Baker) and Rip Hamilton (the black Havlicek) make for a superb backcourt, and Tayshaun Prince and the legendary Rasheed Wallace are OK on the wings. Much-maligned Chris Webber was stolen from Philly off waivers, and is doing superb work manning the pivot for his hometown team

Still... and I'd bet $$ on this, if anyone's interested... I can see the Pistons being eliminated from the playoffs in a close game 7 where Webber does something monumentally stupid to lose the game. While that sounds like a reach, I see it as betting on the tide to come in eventually.

Hamilton and Havlicek- both superb athletes who play/played a very technically sound game defined by hustle- share a unique bond. They are compared all the time, and even the old pros say that their games are very, very similar. This makes Hamilton the first black guy I ever saw who gets compared to a white player... which, to the black player- no matter how great the white player was- is sort of like having a guy you want to date tell you that you're "nice" or "funny."

People hoist "the next Larry Bird" onto some pretty weak, white shoulders. I've heard it used on Adam Morrison, Keith Van Horn, Austin Croshere, etc... Van Horn has actually protested his racial profiling.. "I appreciate the compliment, but my game is more like (black guy) Derek McKey's."

Cleveland (36-25)

The venerable One Man Gang.  Lebron James goes out every night with

- a 7'3" Lithuanian stiff..."stiff" in Slavic is "Zydrunas Ilgauskas."

- a perpetually undermotivated Drew Gooden... Gooden's backup is a Brazilian guy who looks like Sideshow Bob raped Carlito Caribbeean Cool from the WWE, and somehow got a 6'9" baby out of it.

- Mr. Four Teams In Three Years, Larry Hughes

- any number of point guards... although point guard is an obsolete concept in Cleveland, where LBJ dominates the ball.

LeBron is good enough to get a team deep into the playoffs, but you won't win Shift with those other 4 clowns once you play a good team. LBJ needs to do what Shaq does... attract a great player to come toOhio for short money, just for the chance to play with him.

Chicago (35-28)

So, so interesting to watch. 

A great 3 guard rotation of Hinrich, Gordon and Duhon.. a nice forward batch of Nocioni, Deng and Thomas.... a fierce defensive center in Ben Wallace... and absolutely no low-post game whatsoever.

They had the 3rd best low post scorer in the NBA- center Eddy Curry... as well as defensive center extrordinaire Tyson Chandler... and they gave them both away for nothing. Unless Eddy Curry dies, Chicago may have ruined their future with 2 catastrophic trades.

The Celtics have been waiting for a true center since Robert Parish retired.. and Chicago had 2 of them (22 years old now, I think), and pissed them both away because they didn't get along well with the coach... who, it should be added, gets along with nobody.

Coach Scott Skiles must have pictures of the Chicago owner handing out Crytal Meth to a bunch of 4th graders, because I'd consider lynching him myself if he did that to Boston. 

They'll advance a round in the playoffs... but the team is flawed, and flaws have a way of cracking under pressure (see:Johnstown Flood - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).

Indiana (29-31)

2 years ago, they were Jermaine O'Neal, Ron Artest, and Reggie Miller. Last year, they were O'Neal. Stephen Jackson, and Peja Stojakovic(?) . Earlier this year, they were Jerm, Al Harrington and Jackson, and they are currently Jerm, Mike Dunleavy Jr. and Troy Murphy. They're talking about trading the Jerm this summer.

That's the opposite of continuity, folks.. and Jermaine won't win Ditka until they get the same 4 dudes around him for like 3 years. Unfortunately, Jermaine will likely be in another city when that happens.

Milwaukee (23-39)

What happens when you get the #1 overall, and pass on Chris Paul to take a slow, white center who you think will sell more tickets... then trade your point guard anyway.



Washington (34-26)

Much like New Jersey, they are three good players and a bunch of Jabroni types. Gilbert Arenas is a sort of Kobe-like scorer, in that he needs 35 shots to get 30 points. Antawn Jamison is a soft power forward or a slow small forward.. and while I like Carom Butler a lot, he's still the guy most likely to elicit "he's scoring 20 a game???" remarks from less intense fans.

They lead their division cuurrently because they've played Boston and Philly a lot, but they won't win 2 playoff games against Detroit or Miami. If they make the Finals somehow, they'd be swept by any of 3-5 teams in the west.

Miami (31-29)

They finally get Shaq into the lineup, and Dwayne Wade gets hurt. As fun as it was to watch Kobe slip away into the Lottery when Snaq left LA, it is fun seeing Snaq end up without a scoring guard to keep teams from triple-teaming him. They both deserve it.

It won't happen... but I'd love to see the Heat play the Lakers in the Finals with Wade out. Snaq and Kobe dominating the ball, finally and emphatically answering the question of who was right back when Snaq was peddled out of LA like a jobber. Right now, I'm looking at Shaq's non-Kobe championship ring, and I'm thinking Shaq was right... but Snaq isn't getting any younger or faster, and Kobe is just now in his prime.

Snaq is dominant enough to get by a Washington or a Chicago, but they won't win another ring without Wade hitting for 25 a game. Look for lots of Haq-a-Shaq once the playoffs start... and maybe well before.

Orlando (29-33)

They may not make the playoffs this year, and that may be a good thing. Powerhouse Dwight Howard will be angry if they miss out, and he can vent that frustration over 82 games next season with Whoever They Spend Grant Hill's Money On.'s right around the end of his NBA career that I hang the Grant Ill nickname on the frequently-injured forward. He deserved it in 2001 or so.

When they dump Ill, look for them to suddenly get really, really good. Howard is La Bete.

Atlanta (23-39)

Joe Johnson, Josh Smith, Josh Childress, and Marvin Williams are the four best players on the Atlanta Hawks. Each of them is a small forward. If they draft a small forward this summer, I can just paste this same summary here next year and only have to add "(next year's small forward.)"

Joe Johnson is playing out of position as a shooting guard, and very much so as a point guard. Josh Smith is playing out of position as a power forward. Josh Childress is probably the 3rd best small forward on the team, but he gets minutes because the other small forwards are versatile enough to play at other positions.

Marvin Williams can't get minutes, period....because he's not better than the guy playing his position currently, and there are already guys playing out of position at the other positions he's capable of playing out of position at.

Of course it's confusing... that's why they're 23-39 or whatever.

Charlotte (22-40)

Air Jordan runs this team, and his first move as GM was to gag on the #3 overall by taking Adam Morrison. They do have Emeka Okafor, though.. and he's a monster. They need a few high draft picks and a few years of bonding before they win more than 40 games a season.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

The Starving Times

Boston is a complicated Sports town, and can perhaps best be analyzed from afar. There are those who would say that Cape Cod just may be far enough away- both physically and culturally- to properly shot call on the local 4.

The reason I say this is because we are in Sorry Times as far as winter sports go.The Bruins are so absolutely irrelevant that I defy any reader here to name more than 5 of them. This sucks, because Boston was undeniably a hockey town from September through April for most of my life, and they were Good Times.

Boston has the star power of a cloudy night, possesses the draw of an asthmatic hooker, and a 1000 foot giant could probably beat the Bruins by spinning three rows of 6 foot plastic Foosball players against them. There may be no franchise in any sport in the entire world that needs the next great superstar to fall into their laps more than our beloved Boston Bruins.

Speaking of waiting for the next great superstar to arrive, gather 'round and watch the Celtics limp home to a 20 win season that would make M.L. Carr vomit blood. We'll get into the Celtics in a separate article... but the short version is that we need to lose every game possible while hoping that both Kevin Durant and Greg Oden forego their remaining college eligibility.

With both the Celtics and the Bruins blowing like the mighty East wind, there has been an upswing of youth violence in the Boston area.Children are left with the choice of

A) watching the Bruins or Celtics lose
B) Abusing Drugs and Sex
C) Concentrating On Their Schoolwork.

They naturally gravitate towards B, which at least might be fun.I'd drink on Oxycontin and date-rape classmates when faced with those options, as well. Kids tend to think in terms of Now, and often can't see the forest of the future for the trees of the present. The present isn't pretty, presently.

Today's kids stand in unique territory as far as this phenomena goes. If the Red Sox are having a bad year, you can go to the beach. The Patriot bad years occur as school is starting and the holiday season is rolling.... it's sort of over before you realize how bad it is.

Generally- and you can look this up- the Bruins suck during the years that the Celtics are dominant, and the rebuilding years for the Celtics generally occur during seasons in which the Bruins make a deep playoff run. Bill Russell quit as Bobby Orr rose to prominence, and the Big Bad Bruins filled the gap between Havlicek and Larry Bird.

When they both suck at the same time... well, a New England sports fan is has pretty much nothing but an April 15th IRS date between the end of the Patriot season and the start of Red Sox season. That's a long, cold winter of Bitter Loss, and God would probably understand if you had to kill someone on the subway or something.

While waiting for the NFL Draft, there exist a few things which just may bring a smile to the face of the New England sports fan:

- The Patriots went crazy at the mall and came home with Adalius Thomas, or somone with a first name spelled sort of like that.While AT doesn't have a Sprite commercial, he is- by far- the biggest free agent signing that will be made in the NFL this year.

For those of you not in the Know about these kind of things, AT is a 6'2", 270 pound guy who is fleet afoot. While basically a linebacker, he can easily shift over to defensive end... and he even can swing out to play some safety if you want him to. He was good for 100 tackles and 11 sacks last season for a Ravens defense that allowed 9 points a game, and he's a bargain at whatever we're paying him.

He's cut from the Troy Brown mold in regards to versatility, but he will have a far greater play-by-play impact. Kaiser Bill has most likely already mastrubated over getting this guy, and will relish the prospect of unleashing this kid out of a storm of defensive schemes.

I'll share two stories I've read about AT. One involved him swinging out to cornerback to cover Bengals All-Pro wideout Chad Johnson. "Get your big, slow, black ass back to defensive end before I make you look foolish," said the reticent Johnson. When the whistle blew, our new player smashed into Johnson and drove him back about 30 yards. Needless to say, they didn't throw the ball to him on that play.

Another story involved Buddy Ryan, watching that very same play over and over on videotape.Thomas brings a rare package of Size, power, Speed, and Skill to the ballgame. Ryan, the defensive guru who designed the 46 defense that stomped all over the Patriots in 1986, made a point of establishing that moment for posterity.

"Applying the theory of evolution to football.... in 10 years, when every player is 270 pounds and lightning fast, they'll look back and wonder when the great leap forward occurred.. It began right here, with Adalius Thomas."

The Pats were 30 minutes from a cupcake Super Bowl win last season, and the collapse of their elderly linebacker corps pretty much sealed our fate in the AFC title game.All they needed was just a little help at linebacker.. and instead, they're getting a guy who is most likely far better than anyone they had out there.

The Colts are hamstrung by the salary cap, and won't be getting any better. They were barely 3 points better than us last year, and we just pulled an ace out of the deck that I'm betting they won' be able to match.I bet Peyton Manning winced when he saw that we signed Adalius Thomas.

This Pats fan is positively drooling over the prospect of next season, especially with a nice juicy NFL draft waiting to feed more players into our System.

- Another glimmer of hope sliced through that violent gale last Friday like a samurai sword, when Dice K took the mound in Florida against some awe-struck BC kids. His first pitch was ripped for a double, but Dice struck out three and looked to be very, very sharp.

Much like Adalius Thomas, Dice K is apotential superstar with an impossible-to-spell name that just fell into our laps out of nowhere. A rotation featuring him, Schilling, Beckett, and company looks to be right around the best in baseball, and the Manny/Papi combo should give them a lot of leads to protect.


- This is a little late for Valentine's Day, but that may be a good thing when discussing Celtic guard Delonte West. Here's a link to him describing his dream date. I won't spoil the details, but it is handy that Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits keeps the Sail-Thru window open late on Valentine's Day to accomopdate romance-minded ghetto yachtsmen.

the mighty mjd sports blog » Blog Archive » I Can Be Romantic, But This Is Real… We’re Going To Eat Some Chicken Tonight