(DY) Welcome to Cape Cod Idol! My name is Dennis Yarmouth, and I'll be your emcee for this evening's entertainment.
Yes, Cape Cod Idol...the show where YOU get to cast judgement on aspiring musicians. We don't even make you call a costly and infuriating 900 number...and you can comment at length!
I've only seen about 5 minutes of the actual show, so forgive me in advance for things like not quite understanding the show's format, or not knowing what the name of the black guy is (my brain defaults on this one and says "Al Roker."). We'll still have lots of fun!
We've established a star-studded panel of judges for today's episode. Let's meet them all, shall we?
First, from Bridgewater State College (soon to be BSU), she's a 24 year old waitress/nanny with a trust fund. Her career goal is to marry someone wealthier than she is. She is the final manifestation of her mother's desire to give her French children preppy American names, and is not named after the baseball park... ladies and gentlemen, the lovely and single Shea Monponsett!
(SM) Thank you, Dennis. It's nice to be here.
(DY) Next... from Fort Drum, NY, he killed men on three different continents before his honorable discharge from the services of our country. He now works as a consultant for MEMA. He's had an argument with his wife over the need to have more than one assault rifle in the house, and currently has a 101 degree fever. Let's have a big Hoo-Rah for Colonel Stephen Bloodletter!
(DY) Finally... the anchorman.. the senior Senator from Massachusetts... the last of the Great Sons... he who would be King... he has less talent than Bobby or Jack, but he has shown far greater staying power. He's killed as many people as George Bush's wife, and he really enjoys Scotch. Give it up for Ted Kennedy!
(TK) Er, ah... I didn't kill that woman... the water did.
(DY) We'll get judges from Beyond Stacey's Living Room for the next episode, but pretty much everyone here on Team Monponsett is all about striking while the iron is hot.
Enough small talk... let's get down to the dirt.
This week's contestants:
YouTube - Black Sabbath - Neon knigths (Jenny Pauzner, the band name escapes me, cover song)
(TK) Before we go any further with this, I plan to personally enact legislation that would make it against the law to cover Ronnie James Dio songs without the prior authorization of Congress.
(CSB) 24 straight hours of Dio blaring at the Presidential Compound is actually how we got Noriega to give himself up... all that stuff you read elsewhere are simply lies told by our government to prevent Dio from seizing power here in the US.
(SM) Imagine the howling Satan spawn her uterus is going to issue forth someday. 't'will be the Eater Of Worlds.
(TK) Let the record show that I like heavy metal chicks. I just had to act like I enjoyed Wayne Newton-style music after I dropped that girl in the marsh. Things like that make a difference in places like Iowa.
(CSB) I can see her doing a benefit concert to burn down Walden Woods.
(SM) I think the person who posted the video spelled "neon" wrong.
(TK) She doesn't move much, does she? It's like having a dirty blonde Morticia Adams statue.
(SM) When band geeks discover marijuana...
(CSB) He's the kind of kid you go to beat up in high school... then he plays something cool with the violin... and you're impressed. You beat him up anyhow, but you're impressed with him while you're doing it. You try to not injure his Bow Hand.
(TK) I tried to take violin lessons as a child. My father smashed it to splinters in front of me, and called me a "p***y." I got into politics like 6 hours later.
(SM) I think he's cute. He dresses poorly, but you can train men around stuff like that.
(CSB) The rest of the band must look really stupid if they're forced to keep the camera on that kid for the whole show.
(TK) I need a Scotch.
(SM) I hope he wins this episode... he's never going to win anything else.
(TK) This reminds me... I need another Brazilian maid.
(SM) She's a tramp. She dresses like Mickie James.
(CSB) Mickie James dresses like her...
(TK) That's a pretty terrible band. She's pretty, and they're terrible.
(SM) What you have right there is about 650 pounds of Brazilian dope.
(CSB) This shouldn't count... this is a real band.
(TK) Some flute-playing singer could come along today and all these dumb kids would think that HE invented heavy-metal yodeling... but the three of us now know the truth.
(SM) The drummer wouldn't make it through airport security today. They could never tour.
(CSB) They tour within VW Bus range.
(TK) I'm anti-Dutch. They like windmills too much. You can't trust people like that. They drop out of NATO and surrender to Germany in 6 weeks.
(CSB) The Netherlands aren't on our Suspect Nationality List. They're just funny white people, like Vermonters.
VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE IN THE CCToday COMMENTS SECTION!!!!