NASCAR for Northern Girls

   With the elimination of Diecast Dude from the competition, the burden of explaining NASCAR to the proletariat falls to me. Diecast knows NASCAR inside and out, while I, admittedly, had to ask him what NASCAR stood for. Still, I am a teacher, and if people don't know, I have an obligation to try to help. So, here goes...

   NASCAR stands for "National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing." Depending on the month, it is America's biggest sport. It humiliates NBA and NHL ratings. NASCAR also has a pretty good site:

http://www.nascar.com/

   On their site, they have a section called "NASCAR 101," which I thought would save Diecast Dude 400 emails from me. Unfortunately, even that was above me. My head's still spinning.

   I guess a logical starting point is "what's a stock car?" Good question. NASCAR has it's beginnings in bootlegging(sort of like the Kennedys, but with a sillier accent), and many early NASCAR drivers had earned their stripes runnin' gin through the countryside. To keep away from Sherriff Buford T. Justice, they would modify their regular cars to attain maximum speed.

   As near as I can tell, NASCAR ran heavily modified cars until 1949, when NASCAR President Bill France Sr. seized upon the idea of racing cars that people actually drove on the streets. Few modifications were allowed, other than tweaking the engine. The roll bar- which keeps the car roof from crushing the driver- was mandated in 1952.

   A few cool notes:

- "Late model family sedans" were the primary car used.

- Many NASCAR drivers drove rental cars. How tremendous is that? Jackass had a skit where Johnny Knoxville tried to return a rental car he had used in a Demolition Derby. I bet HERTZ had "Don't Rent To This Man" photos of Dale Earnhardt Sr. at every US branch. I have a friend named "Waltrip,", and  he always has trouble securing a rental car when he travels.

- US auto makers got into the spirit, and designs for late-1950s cars began to emphasize any small change that could make the car faster without breaking NASCAR's rules. I'm being told that the wrong answer to the "Ford or Chevy?" question can get you an ass-whipping in Georgia.

   On to the races. NASCAR kicks ass on a race-by-race basis. Everyone in a race gets some points, with the winner getting 180 points, the runner up getting 170, and the remaining places get amounts lesser by 5/4/3 point increments.

   If your starter blows and you have to get your husband to push your car off the Talladega Speedway before Lap One, you still get 34 points. It's sort of like T-ball, except that people get killed now and then.

   These races are conducted in a series. Nextel foots the bill here, although I think Winston also has a series- "Winston Cup" seems to be running through my head for some reason. The only reason I didn't name this "NASCAR by a Dummy" is that I think I might be infringing someone's copyright.

http://www.nascar.com/races/cup/2004/data/schedule.html

   The race in New Hampshire stands out from the crowd like a geographical white Globetrotter. Otherwise, there are places here that even a NASCAR-dummy like myself recoqnize. The Daytona 500 manages to get my attention every year, and may be the Granddaddy of em all. I imagine Daytona Speedway is held in the same regard that I hold the old Boston Garden, so they're cool with me. 

 I'm sure there are other races that are famous, that have since changed their name to match the corporate sponsor. This would mirror college football's bowl-naming process that gave us the "Outback" and "Carquest" bowls. Richmond, Darlington, and Talladega are names that I know for some reason that has nothing to do with the Civil War.

   As you might imagine, the main effort here is to drive faster than the other drivers. Whoever has the most points at the end of a series (a la Nextel) is the overall winner. You can fudge with the numbers a bit. Jeff Gordon once got $90k  for losing a race that the winner, Jimmy Johnson, got $50k for.

   The money rocks. NASCAR's #1 driver right now- the doubly phallic Jimmie Johnson- has made over $2 milly this year, while #2 Dale Earnhardt Jr. has made $4 million. I imagine a lot of that money is funnelled back into the car and the team, but righteous bucks, nonetheless.

   NASCAR drivers seem to be loaded with personality. I could really look into this and give an informed opinion, but you can do that better on your own. What I will give you is what I have managed to absorb out of cultural diffusion:

- Jeff Gordon is the pretty boy that the judges favor. He wins a lot, and gets endorsements. He also likes to drink a Pepsi on the hood of his car after a race. The old-timers think he's a punk.

- Dale Earnhardt Sr. and Jr. are sort of the Howes of racing, for you hockey fans in here. Dale Sr. may have been the coolest man south of my father. He was known as the "Intimidator." This label came from the fact that if you were leading a race and saw old number 3 in your mirror, you knew he was gonna bash you off that wall over yonder.

   He paid a racer's debt in 2001. I still see 3s on the window of many a pickup truck, even in suburban Massachusetts. He embodied the attitude needed to tailgate someone at 190 mph. Dale Sr. will always be well-spoken of in this forum.

   Dale Jr. seems to be carrying the family name well, and is the second place driver in the Nextel Cup series. I'm sure his mother wanted him to try a nice career in knitting, or perhaps wanted him to enter the ministry. He ended up driving 187 miles an hour, and has probably wrecked a few cars already, for all I know. I guarantee that Mother Earnhardt has some grey hair, unless Dale Sr. was even cooler than I think he was.

- Richard Petty was known as "The King." He retired in 1993, and never buys a drink anywhere he is recognized, which is everywhere. He bears a slight resemblance to the Burt Reynolds character in Smokey and the Bandit, or maybe Doc Holliday. I think the Order of Influence goes Doc/King/Burt. My brief research shows that he won 10 straight races, and 27/43 one year. For quite some time, it was his track- the others were just driving on it.

- Geoffrey Bodine has made quite a career for himself since splitting up with Jed, Granny and Ellie May. I bet there's a nice "ce-ment pond" at the Bodine residence, and the "courtin' parlour" is rarely empty.

- AJ Foyt may actually race those "other" cars, but I think he has a motor oil commercial, or something.

I'll conclude this with a few little-known NASCAR facts:

- "NASCAR" was mentioned in 42,435 Alabama divorce cases in the period of 2000- 2003.

- The General Lee, the car driven by Bo and Luke Duke of Hazzard County, was a restored (by Cooter)1969 Dodge Charger, which won 22 of 54 NASCAR races in 1969. A half ton of ballast was required to keep the car from flipping during the show's many chase sequences. The last General Lee from the show is in the possession of the actor who played Bo Duke. The chase scenes were filmed on a Disney lot in California.

A Few Quotes:

- "There's no bigger surprise than to  be hit in the rear when going 200 miles an hour"......Daryl Waltrip

- "I sat up in the ambulance and saw that my car still had tires. So I got out and finished the race".....Dale Earnhardt Sr.

- "Why did I take up racing? I was too lazy to work, and too chicken to steal."....Kyle Petty

-"The best way to make a small fortune in racing is to start with a big one"....Junior Johnson(poor guy)

"Drivin' a race car is like dancin' with a chain saw"....Cale Yarborough

"There's only one lap you want to lead, and that's the last one"...Dale Sr's Sr.

"Well, he lived on the North end of the house"....Ward Burton, on the difference in accents between he and his brother Jeff

Gentlemen(and Ladies)....start your engines.