Happy July 4th!!!!

   Not much time to write, today. The town puts on a wonderful show every July 4th(http://www.town.halifax.ma.us/halifaxinlights.html). Clowns, face-painting, apples, fried dough- you know, the whole nine. They have a nice kid scene for the afternoon, complete with a turtle race.

   My turtle- who has exhibited anti-social tendencies in his previous public appearances at my school- chose to stay home in the tank, and celebrate the holiday in his own way.

   They provide a couple of hours intermission, where they switch the crowd from children to 12 Hour Drunks. The fireworks start at nine, but the Show will begin much earlier.

   For those of you who don't have fireworks, I will produce some....check this out:

http://www.njagyouth.org/Liberty_.htm

   A "no-hitter" is a gathering of my townsfolk in one setting before the priest leaves. Once the fireworks crowd arrives, it is a giant keg party. Hopefully, we'll get a nice fist-fight or arrest to add to the entertainment.

   The fist fight is an American institution. We didn't invent it, and we may not do it the best, but it is ingrained in our culture. I speak several languages, and I can assure you that no other language has as many euphemisms for beating someone up as American English does. I can list a few, and feel free to add your own:

- Beatdown

- Ass Whippin'... and it's country cousin, Ass Whuppin'

- Taking him to the Woodshed

- Blanket Party

- Laying the Smackdown

- Pimp Slap

- Shellacking

- Rout

- Whipped

- Put a foof to his ass

- Curb-stomping

   You get the point. America is a tough place. In this case, the child was the father of the man. Many great Americans were quick to kick an ass, or shoot it out.

 

   Check out these Founding Father Fights:

 

- Andrew Jackson married a woman who hadn't fully divorced Husband #1 yet. There was much scandal, and Jackson would confront anyone who mentioned her name with unbridled fury. 

   "For the man who dared breathe Rachel Jackson's name except in honor," said James Paton of AJ, "he kept pistols in perfect condition for thirty-seven years."

   In 1803, Jackson and Tennessee Governor John Sevier exchanged shots in the street, with none landing. Jackson later killed Charles Dickinson- who, up until he met Jackson, was considered the best shot in Tennessee- in an 1806 duel. "I intended to kill him, and would have stayed on my feet to do so even if he had put a bullet in my brain," said Jax.

   Jackson himself was shot during a fight with future Missouri Senator Thomas Hart Benton and his brother. They eventually became friends. "I had a fight with General Jackson," said Benton. "One was hardly fashionable who didn't."

   When AJ was running for President, his opponents put together a pamphlet that listed all his brawls where he stabbed, shot, stomped, and clawed over 40 US citizens. Most of these fights were from his more roughly-hewn youth in Salisbury. "Aahhhhh... old Salisbury," said Jackson. "I was a rough lad then, but I did my best."

   An assassination attempt was once made on Jackson. The assassin's guns failed, and Jacksonbeat him like a government mule.

 

- In 1754, Colonel George Washington got into a heated argument with William Payne. During the beef, Washington insulted Payne. Payne then decked the Father of our Country. Washington himself restrained his troops, who were set to rend Payne limb from limb.

   The next day, Payne got a message from Dollar G, asking him to appear at a local tavern. Fully expecting an invitation to duel, Payne was shocked when Washington instead met him with a bottle of wine.

   Washington offered his hand, and said, " Mr. Payne, to err is nature; to rectify error is glory. I believe I was wrong yesterday; you have already had some satisfaction, and if you deem that sufficient- here is my hand. Let us be friends."

   Sometimes, you have to know how to take a beating, as well as how to give one.

 

- Teddy Roosevelt kicked a lot of ass in his day. As an aristocrat who took up cowboy life, he punched out several people who crossed him. Word soon got around the Badlands that Mr. Roosevelt was not to be uffed with.

   As a young Assemblyman from New York, TR was heckled in a bar by elder Assemblyman John Costello. After being called "momma's boy" and a "damned little dude," TR removed his glasses and decked Costello...and  the guy who was laughing at Costello's jokes. He then told them, "When in the presence of gentlemen, behave like a gentleman. Now... clean yourselves up, and join me for a drink."

 

- Harry Truman had a daughter Margaret who gave a singing recital that was lampooned by the local art critic. Truman wrote the critic, expressing his displeasure:

"I've never met you, but if I do, you'll need a new nose and a supporter below.... You sound like a frustrated old man."

 

Happy Birthday, America!!