Soild 60 mph winds
To be honest, wrestlers speaking is a lot like actors portraying sports stars... if you can tolerate the basketball parts of Hang Time or buy the Dawson's Creek pretty boy as a gunslinging QB, you can surely tolerate some wrestling promos.... especially where my tireless research has produced a compendium of the finest in the sport.
This one.... from the early 1980s.... pretty much set the bar. It looks tame in today's WWE, where people are routinely set on fire, sodomized, etc... but it was cutting edge back in the day. If you ever see Rowdy Roddy Piper in a Hollywood movie, know that this is where he made his reputation.
Another classic... genuine sick man Dr.D. David Schultz takes exception to John Stossel's snarky interview style, and slaps his bitch up. This cost Dr.D. a lot of money, but he made it all back in publicity. Why pay directly for a commercial when you can smash somebody in the head and just write a check later?
Once steroids really began to take hold in the WWF, you couldn't just crack some Hawaian in the head with a coconut anymore... you had to be monstrous. If steroids made Barry Bonds act like this, the Senate would be afraid to call him forth to testify.
The 1980s were also the time when the line blurred between sports and entertainment.... giving us this 10 minute gem starring Don Muraco and the devious Mr.Fuji...
Also, in the 1980s... a southern wrestler named Ric Flair was mastering the art of giving interviews...and, to be honest, no one (except maybe The Rock, who we'll get to later) does the egotistical any better.
Of course... some do it worse... and that can often be just as enjoyable, especially on live TV....
No list would be complete without the Big Bad Booty Daddy, aka Big Poppa Pump...
Or Jake The Snake Roberts, at the drunken end of a great career.... follow the links to see Jake wrestle after the interview,where he uses the snake as a phallus, and gets some woman in the crowd to massage his nipples.... and I had to go before the end, where he starts to whip it out and piss in the ring....
Even Hollywood took notice of the Rock, who was a UMiami defensive lineman before he found his true calling.
My favorite... The Iron Sheik.... is the anchorman... this is very, very offensive...
The link below is the Iron Sheik- the greatest Persian ever, and my sole hope that the USA and Iran can someday get along- on Howard Stern. They had seen the tape above, and pretty much brought him in/boozed him up/got him angry on purpose.
Everyone's favorite Sour Kraut- as evil as he was- kicked back every Sunday for some football. You could actually put together a full Aryan team, as long as you don't need cornerbacks.
Peep Eva Braun in the Jessica Simpson role. Her 5 Hole- and the jinx attached to it- may have been the one thing that stopped the Thousand Year Reich.
Two weeks (or half of a moon cycle, for all our casino-developing friends) to kill before the big Bowl of Soup!
It's tempting to just start lashing out at that big sewer 270 miles to our southwest. They're loud, ugly, dangerous, and deserve whatever we do to them. My 9/11 sympathy for La Grande Pomme evaporated during the 2003 ALCS.
There's other stuff going on. The Bruins win more than they lose, and have the upper hand in the battle for the final playoff spot. The Celtics have 7 losses this year...at the exact same time last year, they were losing 18 straight. They have not-one-but-TWO legitimate MVP candidates. The BC hoop squad trails only Duke and UNC in the ACC.
But for two weeks, the focus will be football.
I just may ease into it. Hating the Rotten Apple.... hatred in general... is not a sprint, but is rather an endurance event. You don't want to blow yourself out too early, because it weakens your ability to Hate at the time when Hatred is most needed.
Most non-sociopaths sort of cycle between relatively apathetic like and dislike. Sports fans act in more pathological ways. I could probably joke about a Giants-specific Ebola outbreak, maybe 4 seconds after the news came to me. If someone told me that Plaxico Burress just broke his leg rescuing orphans and puppies from a terrorist, I'd be like "Sweet!"... then I'd immediately call the bookie.
Someone as disturbed as myself- and there are perhaps hundreds of thousands of us just in Massachusetts alone- stands a very real chance of exhausting the Hatred too early. You end up cycling out of the Hatred and saying things like "Wow... Manning sure has made great strides this year." You soften.
We won't fall for that kind of stuff here. That's why we're just explaining our modus operandi, so that readers won't think we've lost our edge.
- The Manning Curse Explained
- NFC= Junior Varsity
- Why New York Deserved The Cloverfield Monster Rampage
- You Don't Put Tomato In Clam Chowder, Morons
- The Wonderful Eccentricities Of Tom Coughlin (you'll think these are all fake, but some of them will be true... I may actually make a game out of the idea)
- Silliest Names Of Giant Players
- Video Coverage
- Point Spread Analysis
... you know... the whole 9.
As for today.... just a few minor matters of interest:
Random YouTube Magic: P.K. & the Kid - FanHouse - AOL Sports Blog... the Boss is also nationally known. Check the shot-calling aimed at Monponsett in this piece from AOL Fanhouse.
Tales of Game's Studios Presents Chef Boyardee's Barkley Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden...former NBA star Charles Barkley has a new video game out, dealing with the B-Ballnacht, an oppression of ballers following the Chaos Jam of 2041 AD that killed 15 million New Yorkers. Look closely, and you'll see CB talking some ship to Larry Legend.
YouTube - Falmouth Girls Hockey vs Barnstable.... Getting chilly on ice with two local squads of muckersand grinders....
Cape Cod Frenzy... our local ABA franchise is sitting out the 2007-2008 season, because they want a permanent venue. They want the Hyannis Recreation Facility currently being built on the old JFK rink, and they deserve it. Also, logging onto that page hooks you up with the only Cape Cod rap song ever made.
Peep the sweet logo!
The Patriots made it to the Super Bowl, Elle came out ahead for the weekend/season, and we head into the Big Kahuna ready to bathe in the blood of our enemies.
How sweet-sweet-sweet it is that our foes this year are the New York Football Giants! With (c)Indy and Sandy out of the way, it's hard to generate a good deal of hatred for anyone else in the NFL. Only one thing could save that..... Noo Yawk.
First off... Boston and New York both know the deal. If the British come... if Europe is being slaughtered.... if the South rebels.... if the Sioux get uppity.... we'll work together, and do so well. History proves this. The Afghanistan and Iraq Wars are sort of what happens when you steal planes from Boston and crash them into New York. You bring us together, and we kick a lot of ass.
Otherwise, we're the two big dogs that sort of run the Northeast. They're bigger...but we have the better views. We fight all the time. We only stop fighting each other to fight someone crazy enough to interrupt our fight... kind of like two really mean brothers in a small town.
It's not War. Maybe not even pure Hatred, although maybe so in some cases. We do business together. We cut canals through Capes to do business together. We've all been to the Apple... the Carnegie Deli, Rockefeller Square, 42nd St., Times Square, Madison Square Garden, the Museum, etc.... and it seems like every single one of them has rented a house on Cape Cod and cluttered our highways.
The best part? We like it that way. They hate us, we hate them... it all sort of balances out, and the center holds.
Now... New England vs. New York in the Super Bowl. Couldn't'a' worked out betta!
There are plenty of old folks left in Massachusetts who rooted for the Giants back in the day, before we had our own NFL team. Many of us cheered the Namath-era Jets when they repped our upstart AFL. Plenty of our neighbors are New Yorkers who retired here, and still love their old team.
We'll forget about the punk Manning brother for a minute. We'll ignore the fact that the Boston teams are usually the underdog, and the NY team is generally the juggernaut. We won't mention that we already whooped that ass once this year. We'll even resist the urge to brag about that ndefeateduay easonsay. No need to mention or even yet begin to ponder that nice, fat 2 touchdown spread.
No.. today we'll just thank the Sports Gods. They gave us a doozy.
We have two weeks to get into the other stuff. For now... a nice New England/New York throwdown. Get those misleading directions ready, Cape Cod.
Pregame Pats Warm Up Stuff
Gotta warm the crowd up first.... why not leave it to the widely-recognized blue-eyed soul of the Russian Special Forces?
Wait a minute...Ivan doesn't represent the Patriots in MY world, sucka! Here's a patriotic rapper, who left a lucrative tour to enlist after 9-11.
You have to get in a few raps before the game, because the other side is doing it as well.
Worst rap I ever saw... and that video actually put a "find the worst rap ever" bug in my head, which led to the search that found the Spetsnaz Rap.... which is still better than that kid.
Of course... no one on THEIR side shaved his head and got it tattooed to resemble a Chargers helmet, like our people are doing: Patriots Fan Gets Helmet Tattooed On Head - Sports News Story - WMUR Manchester
I'm still not there, yet. I like to be ready to kill when I watch a game.
Here's my favorite pre-game speaker.... Derrick Moore, who is the- no joke- official "football chaplain" for the Georgia Tech football team.
His videos are all over the internet, because he's f*cking mad. There's a better video of the chaplain walking around with a sledgehammer, but it took forever to load.
If church were more like this... I'd actually go.
The best part about Chaplain Moore is that the comments section on allhis You Tube videos are filled with things like "Goddamn.. give me my helmet!" He's a master motivator.
Here's another man of God... YouTube - Bobby Knight - angry motivation speech -
Of course... if you're gonna go with a psychopath, you may as well get football Scarface: YouTube - Al Pacino's Inspirational Speech
You have to be motivated for the Pats, because it's going tobe about 15 degrees at game time,with a howling wind out of the north.
I had some pretty cold soccer games back in the day,especially when we'd get deepin the tournament and end up playing Longmeadow in Worcester or something. Elle has had some cold field hockey games in her brief time upon the stage of life... and had to play field hockey in a skirt.
Either way...you may enjoy this article:
And of course... the piece de resistance:
It doesn't get any better than that, kids... enjoy the game.
Conference Final Time.
The last weekend of multiple football games until next summer or so.
New York takes on Green Bay,while the Chargers travel to Foxy 'Bro to do battle with the Pats. Weather in both Green Bay and Foxboro is supposed to suck....bitter cold, high wind, chance of snow (GB).
In other words...perfect football weather. Well... "perfect" as in "good to watch others playing while I sit by the fire and eat chicken."
Giants (+7) at Green Bay
Eli vs Favre. This is what would happen if Father Time hung around til Baby New Year got out of college, and they had a big fight over the TV clicker or something. Either somebody is still apunk,or someone ought to consider retirement.
Favre and his team seemed to be slumping for a few years, but they went 13-3 this season. You can call a team at 9-7 in the playoffs "lucky," but 13-3 means Bad Luck... for whoever is playing you. Green Bay has terrific cornerbacks, brutal linebackers, and big guys on both lines. They have this kid Grant who came out of nowhere to run for 200 yards last week. They also have Brett Favre.
He's the old gunslinger, playing at home in what could be his final game (although he seems to have a few good years left, obviously), and even I'd be rooting for him to stop the Evil Empire (us).
Unfortunately, he's not in control of his own destiny... Eli Manning is.
When this game is over... Eli is either going to be the toast of the town or the Town Fool. I just can't envision him losing heroically, although I can see Favre doing it.
New York has a fearsome pass rush, a power running game, a coach who may be crazy, and none of it will mean a damn if Eli chokes. A good quarterback can win games for you, and a bad one can f*ck up a wet dream. Nobody typifies this statement more than the cookie lickin' Manning Brothers.
Up until Peyton Manning beat the Pats in the playoffs last year, you couldn't get me to believe that there wasn't some sort of Manning Curse that involved choking on big games. You'd think that Peyton winning a Super Bowl would kill the curse that has haunted his family since his career-length loser father Archie threw his first game clinching interception..... but Peyton has a little brother, and the Curse was merely handed off to him.
In fact...Peyton winning the Super Bowl is part of the curse. It makes it worse for Eli and Archie...and better for people like me, who trade greatly in schadenfreude. Eli may suffer loss after big loss forthe next decade. Once you see a Curse forming up, it's just a matter of paddling your board to the right spot.
Eli's going to f**k up at some point in these playoffs...most likely quite badly. The key for a bettor like myself is predicting whether he's going to fu** up in the NFC Championship or the Super Bowl. I'm rooting for Eli, because I think the Giants are an easier matchup for the Pats. I'd also like to see Favre almost-but-not-quite get it done on his home field in his last game.
Finally... if the Pats somehow lose.... Eli vs. San Diego is interesting. San Diego drafted Eli, who then refused to play for them. The Giants emptied the vault forhim, giving up Rivers, Merriman, Kaeding and Roman Oben. Merriman has probably been more effective as a pro than Eli and Phillip Rivers combined... so unless Eli wins the Bowl game, NY was stupid to trade for him.
Gotta choose, gotta choose....
Gabrielle? (Stacey's daughter is 1-0 in bookmaking, and beat the spread with her one attempt at prognostication). Any opinion?
Green Bay, 24-14
San Diego at New England (-14)
They hate us, and we barely got by them in the playoffs last year... which will make it all the more enjoyable when we beat their collective ass again.
The key? Guessing how much we'll beat them by. A two touchdown spread is HUGE, especially in an AFC Championship game,and extraspecially if it's gonna be like 12 degrees out and windy.... which it will be. Channel 7 is predicting that the storm that day will go to our south and spare us any snow... so look fo a couple of inches to fall during the game (I've never forgiven them for blowing the Perfect Storm forecast).
San Diego is a California team, and we should beat them like they lost a dog fight for us. I just don't see a 2 TD marginin that weather.
New England 31-23
By request.... Here's the "angry pirate," as explained by Patrice O'Neal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjIuPSuYSOY ... about 4:50 in.
Much was made last week- some of it in this very column- of the effect dating Jessica Simpson had on Dallas QB Tony Romo.
For those of you not in the know, Romo is the Dallas Cowboys QB. Simpson is a beautiful singer/actress. Texas is football crazy, and something that is applauded up here in Massachusetts (like Tom Brady going through starlet after starlet, like a red carpet) is viewed as detrimental to one's game down in the Lone Star state.
With Dallas in the midst of a hard-fought playoff hunt, Romo began to be seen in public with the pop tart, Simpson. She even watched one game -a loss- from the owner's box, while wearing one of those pink Cowboys replica jerseys with Romo's number (uniform, not phone...see pic above) on it. Dallas lost the game, a scapegoat was needed, and Jessica Simpson took the kick deep in her own end zone.
Dallas fans began calling her "Yoko Romo," in reference to the woman who supposedly "ruined" the Beatles by dating John Lennon. It became a topic of national debate. Terrell Owens wept while discussing it.
Jessica, bowing to public pressure in her home state, stopped attending Cowboys games... but instead took Romo on vacation to Mexico when he should have been concentrating on the New York (football) Giants. Romo promptly gagged on the biggest game of his life, throwing the game-sealing interception in the end zone as time ran out.
But is Jessica really to blame?
In boxing,there is an old adage..."no sex before a fight." I'm told that every Petronelli swears by this theory, as did Mickey in Rocky. There are many reasons for this...some sound, some foolish.
Someone actually studied it, and sex the night before a fight actually holds physical benefits... mostly an increase in testosterone levels (even/especially after ejaculation). It may also help to relax the fighter/QB... although that gets into Psychology, and Psychology favors sending the girl home for a few weeks.
For one, there is a fairly sound logic to the hypothesis that sexual frustration leads to aggression... which comes in handy on the football field. The woman-as-distraction theory holds up, especially if you Google something like "Andre Rison, Left Eye." Trainers and managers rightly view women as being a variable beyond their control, and coaches/managers are control freaks supreme.
Muhammad Ali would abstain for 6 weeks before a fight. Soccer players says it robs one of leg strength. NBA stars claim it takes away explosive leaping power. Horses are kept from breeding until their racing careers are finished.
Check legendary manager Casey Stengel's thoughts on the matter, which seem more reasonable...
"Being with a woman never hurt no professional ball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in."
I'm with Casey on the matter. But this only excuses women as a species. What about Ms. Simpson personally? Can she jinx a football team?
You can only solve that by looking into her dating history. When you do that, you suddenly believe.
The first thing you see is that Jessica kept her virginity until she was married. This, when coupled with an examination of her personal life, brings to mind the fact that- to our knowledge, anyhow- Jessica didn't wreck anyone's career prior to her deflowering. The connection between sex and the curse cannot be ignored.
It also makes her vagina seem like Albion, or even Godzilla.... sleeping, but soon to rise. Once someone tested a nuclear weapon near it, it was only a matter of time before she came out of the harbor and wrecked Tokyo.
Her virginity was taken on her wedding night by former boy-band hearththrob Nick Lachey. At first, he was able to control the power... they had a successful reality show, and even a Sonny+Cher style variety special. They had the world on a string.
The first inkling that a Simpson Curse might be at work was when Jessica sang the National Anthem at the 2004 Indy 500. The race was shortened by rain, and an F-3 tornado hit Indianapolis that day. Of course, no one made the connection....then.
No one noticed the critical panning of her Dukes Of Hazzard film, which, to be honest, probably didn't need a jinx. Roger Ebert claims to have lost 20 pounds simply by hating it so intensely. The sequel went straight-to-video....Franchise Slain.
Then, Nick Lachey began to lose his mojo. At the height of his public exposure, he released "SoulO," which bombed commercially and critically. This was almost too much to believe- he was a TV star in the demographic his CD was aimed at, and his show and songs aired constantly on MTV. Of course, no one at the time attributed this to a vagina-driven jinx, which is probably a good thing.
The marriage fell apart in 2006, and Lachey's next CD went gold. Unfortunately for the rest of us, this loosed young Jessica onto the dating scene. She appeared in a movie with Dane Cook, and the two became linked. He was a comic on the rise, having just hosted the highest-rated Saturday Night Live of the year.
However, he soon began to be haunted by charges of joke-stealing and plagarism. His career suffered, and he was sued. He was being constantly goofed on, with Joe Rogan, Louis C.K., SNL and others taking their turns at the pinata. Extricating himself from the relationship with Simpson, he soon saw a career rebirth which peaked when he became one of the few comics to play Madison Square Garden..
Simpson then turned her attention onto Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine. The band soon lost their drummer to a mysterious neurological disorder, mid-tour. After the relationship was broken off, the band's next release became the most-downloaded ITunes song ever. Not "their most downloaded"... but "the most downloaded."
With time on her hands, Simpson got into philanthropy... supporting an orphanage in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. During her patronage, the town went insane... former Mexican Special Forces soldiers employed by the drug cartels began openly murdering police and government officials in the street. A superstitious, heavily-Catholic country, Mexico is now viewed by theorists (well.. me) as the likely birthplace of the Simpson/Romo jinx talk that went down in nearby Texas.
Jessica then began a relationship with singer John Mayer. This is where my theory began to take a jolt, because Mayer enjoyed growing success both during and after his relationship with the pop rock. The Simpson Curse that brought down MTV idols and A-List comics didn't seem to bother John Mayer one bit.
"I wonder why..." I thought... then I got down to researching HIS past.
Jennifer Love Hewitt, who was being compared to Audree Hepburn at the time, has had a string of like 10 bomb movies since dating Mayer. Her post-Mayer artistic peak was "Garfield." She even got really, really fat. Heidi Klum had an out-of-wedlock baby after being linked to Mayer. Minka Kelly suffered the same fate as Hewitt- a stab at Hollywood followed by a humbling return to the small screen.
Christ! He has his own curse. During their relationship, Simpson even released a straight-to-DVD movie that is said to have grossed the producers $4,000. She was soon out of that relationship, freeing Mayer to work his own mojo, free from the vitriol of the Dallas Cowboys fan base.
Then, Simpson began to be seen with Romo. Romo had just come to stardom as the Dallas Cowboys QB. Soon, he was being seen with her in public, often holding her purse. Then, in a nationally televised game against the Eagles which saw Jessica in attendance, he had one of the worst games I've ever seen played.
Romo and Simpson then went on their little Cabo San Lucas getaway, the media seized on it, and Romo sh*t the bed in the NFC semifinals. Simpsonwas exposed as a jinx now...one powerful enough to alter the fate of 60 behemoths.
As an additional irony, an examination of Simpson's life with that of fellow Simpsons shows a similar pattern. OJ Simpson's career ended the year she was born, almost to the day. He murdered his wife pretty much when Jessica hit puberty. Jessica's rise to stardom even coincided with the creative decline of The Simpsons animated series, which seemed to hit the wall about 1999 and is barely tolerable now.
Finally, I submit the personal experience of the family I work for.
Stacey won an AOL contest that sent her to Houston in 2004. She brought along her sisters and the Colonel. Her assignment was to cover the baseball All Star Game. She planned to bring the Colonel to the game, but he backed out due to fatigue (he had flown in that afternoon). Shea and Stacey went, and they had a great time.
The Colonel stayed back at the hotel, pleased to have Texas to explore without his loud, pregnant wife. His first move upon seeing the girls off was to go back inside the Hotel Derek for a steak and a bottle.
As he was walking in, there was a gang of people behind him. Being a gentleman, he held the door as the whole party entered. Right in the middle of the gang was Jessica Simpson, who had a show in Houston the following night.
Simpson actually took notice of the Colonel, who is quite a large man. "Well, aren't you a big drink of water?" she said, and she even touched his arm playfully. Then, she was off.
The Colonel went into the restaurant, had his steak, went to bed, got up, went to the airport... and then somehow got caught in a 22 hour flight from Houston to Atlanta to Boston. "I was in a 757 in Atlanta, watching a tornado at the other end of the airport," sayeth the Colonel. Stacey, who refuses to fly, almost beat him home by AMTRAK.
Coincidence? Or is there a Simpson Curse? I'll let you decide, but I wouldn't lay with Jessica Simpson for all the tea in China.
I mean, I could lose all this....
San Diego at New England, next weekend!
That's right, folks. Peyton Manning is no longer in the dance. His Colts were the last team that had a chance to beat us, IMHO. Unfortunately for them (and fortunately for us), the Colts gagged like they did a fat line yesterday.
Prepare for the Belichick/Norv Turner duel, which is essentially a martial artist fighting an infant. The winner gets the winner of Green Bay/NY Giants. I don't want to say that the real Super Bowl is happening next week in Foxy Bro... but goddamnit, look what I just did!
While rooting for Patriot domination, I'll be hoping that Stephen Cooper ( Stephen Cooper (American football) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) of Wareham has a good game.
Green Bay put the boots to Seattle, and the Giants gave Tony Romo the chance to spend January in Fiji watching Jessica Simpson fill out a bikini. Dallas pretty much got out-muscled. Eli is now the only Manning brother with a chance to win it all.
"Chance," in this case, meaning "if the Patriot's plane crashes."
They have to get by Brett Favre first, and I have to admit that part of me (most likely the part that grew up watching the Yankees kill us every year) would be rooting for BF to knock off the Beast if they met us in the Super Bowl.
Of course... a much larger part of me would be wishing that someone broke his leg and made him cry for his big, fat Momma. Eff Brett Favre.
Incidentally... Boston is the only town where Brett Favre gets his last name pronounced properly. We drop our "R" sounds, you see. It's like "carve," but with an "F" at the start. It's best pronounced by a Cajun, then a Frenchman, then a Bostonian.
It's Extreme Sports Monday, Butch!
Volcom | Youth Against Establishment - BLOGS... Attention all surfers! Volcom.com is offering $10K for whoever produces a film of someone doing a kickflip on a surfboard.
While not impossible, you're going to be falling in and out of the water like a Shark Fondue as you try to learn.
This is 90% of one, in case you don't speak Surfer or Skater... YouTube - Surf Kickflip filmed by Bill Bryan from the tenthstreetbros
I can do this, actually... although my version would involve the car striking me first, then flipping me over the hood/roof/trunk.
This, like ski jumping, is one of those sports that I can't comprehend the entailed learning process. I would imagine that one starts off jumping off/over something smaller, then working your way up to absolute foolhardiness.
Still... there's that area between when you flip over a picket fence and when you start running full speed at a Chevy. That is where my mind blows when thinking on the matter.
11:45: Bill Belichick finds the author of this article and turns out his mother.
Bill is the evil genius, he can control the weather (expect snow for the game this weekend against the southern California team), and he's a Nantucket guy. He deserves better than this.
http://www.ejb.com/video/16770/Slam_dunk_almost_fatal.html.... never buy a Robespierre basketball hoop.
I can dunk (off a chair) at the lower hoop at the Chandler Elementary School in Duxbury. I have no hops whatsoever.
(photo courtesy of www.fbi.gov)
We don't like to get into politics much here at the Sports desk... my political leanings are all over the map, and my arguments tend to be along the lines that our western Asia foreign policy should be one huge oil grab... followed by us allowing them to kill each other... quite possibly while we film it for our enjoyment as a reality series.
Besides.. politics am be serious business, and you shouldn't allow yourself to be influenced by the Town Fool and her rambling sports betting column that is sometimes left in the hands of a teenager. You end up with President Bill Belichick, eventually... although that may not be a bad thing.
If Belly were running this particular Gulf War(s), those SOBs would be as friendly/service-oriented as a Texas-sized 7-11. They'd also have football, which would straighten them out and have them voting Centrist Republican by, oh, 2009 or so.
While it' s not the actual point of this article, my staff (OK, Elle and Stacey) are actually hard at work during our non-blogging time developing some set-the-bar--impossibly-higher reality TV shows.
Elle is just a kid, and she watches 5-10 of these type of shows regularly. I have seen one segment of one episode of one reality show in my entire life- American Idol, the one where they had the fat soul crooner. That's a good dichotomy- the expert from the desired demographic and the woman from another country who once mistook a co-worker's description of Survivor to be Gilligan's Isle.
What this teaming produces is American Jihad, where 100 (they'd most likely be killed rapidly) relatives of 9/11 victims are dispatched to the Afghanistan/Pakistan border to hunt forOsama bin Laden. Said relatives would have extensive military experience, and would be heavily armed and supported by NBC/MTV/ESPN/Whoever.
The best part? I don't have to come up with reward money, as OBL currently has a $27 million bounty ($25 milly from the FBI, 2 from the airlines... and OBL is only wanted for the USS Cole attack... 9/11 isn't mentioned) on his long, lanky ass. Assuming the logistical support is covered by the advertising revenue, it would pay for itself.
Elle is of the opinion that each episode should focus on one soldier, although groups of soldiers could band together if they were willing to split the prize money. You could splice together interview segments and actual live footage. The soldier could state his plan,then the cameras follow him as he infiltrates and does all that other James Bond stuff. We're kind of hung upon just how someone would actually find OBL- seeing as the US led coalition has thus far failed to capture the fellow- but we have faith in our talent.
Our talent would mostly be retired Green Beret types, although we'd work in the Mafia,the Crips/Bloods, the KKK, the Mossad, NFL players, rival Muslim terrorist factions, well-known big game hunters and bass fishermen, Ultimate Fighters, and occassional doomed C-list celebrity soldier (I'm thinking Flavor-Flav, Jose Canseco, Chyna, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Tonya Harding) and whoever else we thought might have their own Niche Masrket. A small militia from each of the 50 states (as well as TV-friendly coalition members) might be a draw, too.
My own idea of a Dirty Dozen scenario...where we'd scour the prisons until we found enough 9/11 relatives to make a show, and offer them one chance at freedom by bringing in the head of OBL.... well, it was tough to sympathize with the characters, although I'd bet that the right director could wiggle it in somehow.
We have to move quickly, though... OBL has a bad liver or something, and could croak ina cave at any time. No other human truly represents our thirst for revenge as much as the Ace Of Spades himself, and it wouldn't be as lucrative hunting second in command Kareem Abdul Whoever.
There would most likely be immense legal/moral/financial/logistical/political/religious gymnastics involved, true.... but that's why I pay my lawyers and lobbyists so much goddamn money. As for collateral damage... well, if you are that close totheman and don't killhim yourself, you deserve whatever happens to you.
If we catch lightning in a bottle and one of my cast members actually brings me the head of Osama bin Laden, we immediately spring into Plan B.... which would be either running the winner in the next US Presidential election, or giving him/her even more money and sending themm into some small Third World nation with the intent to seize power there. If we could knock off a despotic tyrant... even better.
If we decided to take over, say, Afghanistan itself.... Hell, we already have the cameras over there and stuff. Win/win. We'd make the world a better place, while generating tremendous advertising revenue. All that money would trickle down to the Poor, eventually. I'd sleep well...most likely on a bed of cash.
Anyhow... this is what you get when I have this video clip... YouTube - Classic Obama: His highschool basketball days, and can't think of the proper preamble.
It's Wild Card Weekend in the NFL!
Elle has just 4 more weeks to pay for college via the mob!
Washington at Seattle
We could go into technical matters like Seattle's brutal pass rush, Washington's ability to run the ball with a guy who dreeses as Sheriff Gonna Getcha during the week, the Walpole guy starting at QB for the 'Skins, or the concept of winning one for the Gipper (with the Gipper in this case being a thugged-out Sean Taylor) to choose an outcome for this game.... but that would go against my gambler's instinct, which is telling me that no one who got stomped like the Skins got stomped at the feet of the Patriots is winning snit this season.
Washington knows the hammer waiting for them should they advance to the Super Bowl against the Patriots.... and they already know how it feels when that hammer bashes them around the field for 60 minutes. Seattle is still cherry in that regard...and they have Deion Branch there saying, "Them Pats ain't all that." Seattle still has hope for the future.
As misguided as that hope may be...it will be enough to get them past a Washington team who's best player was murdered a few weeks ago.
I smell me a blowout, folks... it won't be as close as the score I've predicted.
Seattle 26, Washington 17
Jacksonville at Pittsburgh
Another playoff game, another how'd-he-get-there QB. David Garrard, meet The Game Played At That Other Level. Jacksonville has already whipped Pity twice this year, and the odds favor Jackie by 1.5 points. Eff the odds. Pittsburgh has won the whole thing with this squad, while Jacksonville hasn't won Ditka yet/ever.
I see Pittsburgh winning this one comfortably.
Pittsburgh 22, Jacksonville 14
NY Giants at Tampa Bay
Tampa basically crawled out of a division that someone had to win. NY has the worse Manning brother. Talent-wise, this would make a great Arena Bowl...but if this were a college game, it'd be Southwest Schmuck State vs. the University of Clown Fools in the Hoover Straight Up Sucka Bowl.
This game is only interesting if you're a babysitter/sports betting columnist trying to decide how to bet the Dallas game the following week, or if you just watch football with the hope of seeing someone getting their tibia broken.
Tennessee at San Diego
Granted... Vince Young has a rep for going out to Cali and winning big games agaiunst powerhouse teams. Sure, Sandy Ego has looked like ass for a lot of this season. Also... betting on a Norv Turner team is a good way to lose money.
What to do? What to do? How to bet?
Whynot ask Gabrielle?
Sure, she's still playing with dolls and stuff...and,if you really look at it, I'm sort of involving a 5 year old in a felony racketeering conspiracy...but if she hits the spread, I (actually, the Colonel) will take her to see Hannah Montana.
Gabby likes...San Diego!
Granted... she thinks "San Diego" is a person, but we're going with it.
When pressed for a score, she said "a hundred to ninety-two." We'll read that as an 8 point spread.
San Diego 21, Tennessee 13
If you, like me, feel that ice hockey should be played outdoors...enjoy...
Granted...my eyes are a little weak to be picking up on a puck from 75 yards back and 75 yards in the air.... but the NHL is dying on the vine, and would probably accept playing games in Mogadishu if they thought it may draw in people.
I'd personally take it to that next level... Toronto/Montreal on the St. Lawerence River, Colorado defending their adopted Great Salt Lake outdoor home, Detroit pwning Lake Michigan. Boston maybe using Walden Pond... although, it would be the purest form to maybe conduct the All Star Game outdoors, on a cranberry bog... with people shooting at a lobster pot or two boots.
All's I know is that, should I ever get into and win a hockey fight- I intend to grab my foe by her ankles, spin a few times, release her, and watch her slide 50-75 yards down the ice. I'm assuming that I win said fight by knockout (a supine foe is needed fort he Big Slide), and that there is no bothersome referee intervention.