Thursday, October 19, 2006

Like gravy to potato, Luke to Darth Vader...

Autumn is the time to put away the boat and get out the puffy jacket. If you see someone wearing shorts and a hooded parka, it must be October in New England.


It's been a mild autumn here in the New Izzy. That Buffalo storm came to us as a nice rain. I was wearing shorts yesterday.


Foliage season down here doesn't peak until Halloween, and we usually get a windstorm before we get the full red/orange/yeller treescape. You get sort of dependent on the North side of the tree here.

Update: I wasn't lying about the windstorm... see?

Strong To Potentially Damaging West Winds May Develop Just Behind A Strong Cold Front Late Friday And Last Through Friday Evening. The Cold Front Will Move Quickly Through The Connecticut Valley By Mid Afternoon Friday... Reaching The Cape And Islands By Early Evening.

After The Front Passes West Winds Will Increase To 25 To 35 Mph With Gusts To 50 Mph Possible. The Strong Winds May Last Through Midnight. Since Most Trees Are Still Fully Leaved... These Wind Gusts Will Have The Potential To Be Damaging.

This picture is probably Art if the camera is in the right hands, but I'm pretty much just some dummy walking around in the forest.


God Damn... brother got shook for his G Unit shoes... in rural Buzzards Bay, MA.


You can dig for clams all year... but the principal manner around here is wading out up to your chest with a fat rake.... a little cold for this blogger, but different strokes/folks.

 Duxbury actually has it better... the tide empties the harbor, and you can sort of walk around in the muck while you dig.

Duxbury Bay


Looking up...

... then down.



Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Large Like Kamala

Photo Credit,

59-27 so far, W/L ...  about even vs. the spread, roughly guessing.

Buffalo is on the menu this Sunday, and they gave us too close of a game last time. They deserve nothing less than a sound thrashing. With two weeks to prepare, the Pats should whip them like a lazy mule.

It simply doesn't look good for the Buffy Ones this week. Biff is coming off the indignity of being Detroit's first win last weekend. They have a the kind of raw kid quarterback that Belly Check eats alive. They have a guy who was the subject of an article called Worst Defensive Performance, referring to Buffalo cornerback Nate Clements and the abuse (160 yards) he suffered at the hands of Roy Williams.

They do try hard... and if my memory serves me correctly, they have at least one guy who can beat our line and smash Champagne Tom in the back for a TD fumble. Buffalo is also already in full winter mode after that October blizzard.

I still like the Pats, winning easily. We should roll over them like a heavy sleeper.

New England, 24-13

- Carolina at Cincy

This was quite a few people's idea of thios year's Super Bowl before we lit Cincy up like a fat J. Cincy then lost to a team that let their Qb get beaten so badly that he had to have his spleen removed.

Carolina, 20-19

- Green Bay at Miami

Someone hates Green Bay at the schedule-maker's office, because they don't get the Miami trip in December, when it would be more enjoyable. If you put Harrington's happy feet on Culpepper, you might actually have a player. As it stands, both of them suck.

Miami, 16-14

- Jacksonville at Houston

This one has all the fixins of a good old fahioned country ass whuppin. Houston stinks like a whale carcass. Jacksonville has a player who gets psyched up for the game by having someone slap him in the face repeatedly. Check this video: Jaguar Defensive Tackle John Henderson Will Eat Your Children | NFL Blog - The FanHouse

Jack, 27-13

- Philly at Tampa Bay

Going against the home dog... the last guy to play QB for this team had to have an organ removed.

Philly, 24-12

- Detroit at NYJ

Someone has to win... although they could tie. Detroit simply sucks too badly to win two straight. One of these teams may Bore the ball across the goal line.

NYJ, 7-6

- Pittsburgh at Atlanta

Unless Vick goes off, the Falcons will get stomped like one of those flaming dog bags kids do on Halloween. Maybe someone will yank polamalu down by the hair again.

Stillers, 18-10

- San Diego at Kansas City

If this were a WWE match, it'd be Kamala vs. Molly Holly. Kansas City deserves to lose for not actually being in Kansas. That's like the difference between a C+ and a B- on a geography quiz.

San Diego, 28-16

- Denver at Cleveland

This should be another curb-stomping. Denver might get 2 million yards rushing.

Denver, 24-7

Arizona at Oakland

The Raiders passed on Matt Leinart, and he played in their backyard. Randy Moss should love watching this kid throw strikes for Arizona while his own quarterback blows like the North Wind.

Arizona, 24-20

Minnesota at Seattle

The Vikings will be the team Seattle Slew.

S'awks, 21-17

Washington at Indy

Mr. October is at his peak effectiveness. Remember these days when he falls apart like a Korean TV in the playoffs. They miss Edge, and Edge misses them.

Indy, 34-10

- New York at Dallas

A nationally televised pounding for Nancy Drew Bledsoe. Someone may challenge the Mo Lewis Standard for smashing Bleddy in the chest.

NYG, 20-17

Monday, October 16, 2006

Sadly, they'll learn...

The Pats had a bye week, so I was able to spend a Sunday in non-football activity. So I went to a baseball game.

Sure, it was little league, and yes, it was October. I had a winter jacket on for the last few innings. Baseball is a summer sport, but New Englanders are tough.... we represent, even when it's -20 degrees (Ok, it was 51 degrees... but it was windy, and I'd been into the booze).

We had the Steelers/Chiefs game on the radio, but it wasn't anywhere near as compelling as the kid game. Tie score, bottom of the 6th (short kids, short games), man on first, two outs.... FOX would pay a zillion dollars to get the Yankees/Dodgers in that kind of scenario. A simple grounder should have ended it... but nothing is simple in Pony League, and a bad throw to first ended the tension.

That's why I always liked kid sports. I coached kids for a few years, and I can honestly say that I was more worked up for games during our 0-16 season than I was for the Patriot Super Bowl victories. But that's just me.

Still, kids are generally in it for fun. You don't see the nastiness you see with pro athletes. No kid at yesterday's game did anything like what we've seen in pro sports in the last few weeks, such as:

- Albert Haynesworth stomping on an opponent's face with his cleats.  This was nasty... see for yourself:

I've heard various justifications for this act, but the only ones that worked for me are:

a) "I thought the victim's face was the ball."

b) he was upset that he didn't get his Vince Young bobblehead doll, despite being one of the first 10,000 people in the arena. Technically, he's right.

c) Haynesworth felt that his foe needed a "more open mind," and started the process off with 20 stitches to the temple.

d) "There was a scorpion on the guy's face."

e) "Times are tough. and I can save a lot of money on costumes by being scary enough IRL that I can just dress up as Albert Haynesworth for Halloween."

f) "There is a sizable cash award for being 'America's Scariest Black Man,' and they vote in October."

g) my favorite... "because I can."

- Troy Pomalu was running the ball, and Larry Johnson was just a hair away from catching him. Larry rectified this situation by yanking Pomalu down by the dreadlocks. In case you're wondering why this is funny, here's what Pomalu looks like:

Much like Steve Irwin being killed by the animals he surrounded himself with, this was one of those "it wasn't a matter of  if,  it was a matter of when " scenarios.

In case it ever comes up in conversation... tackling a guy by his wicked nappy hair isn't a penalty in the NFL.  Refusing to let go after is, and LJ took 15 yards for the team. "I swear I couldn't get my hands out of that mess," said Johnson, who professed to having great respect for Pomalu.

The Stee;ler's won, 45-7. No one was yanked down by the dreads at the Pony league game, btw.

- Steven Jackson lets off a few shots outside a strip club at 3 AM.

Jackson (who you may remember as the guy who landed the really nice haymakers during the Ron Artest crowd melee a few years ago) is doing his best to restore the image the Pacers had before the brawl. I may have the timeline wrong, but I think it went:

A) talking sh*t in the strip club

B) fistfight starts outside the club, with Jackson being punched in the face out of nowhere

C) Jackson gets hit by a car, and rolled over the hood

D) Jax gets his gun out of the car, and starts shooting.

E) The Pacers flee in a car, which the cops pull over. They find 3 guns and sack of the Kind.

I'd be armed if I were a millionaire, too.... especially if my fun often involved me being in the seedier parts of town. Still... if I were a millionaire, I'd stay out of the seedier parts of town to begin with.

I do like the fact that Jackson stayed in the brawl after he was struck by a car, and that his foes stayed in it long enough for Jackson to get off 5 shots. That's the kind of intensity that Larry Bird wants him to bring to the court. 

I also like the fact that Jackson has again shown that he will fight to protect his teammates. He went after 10,000 Detroit residents to protect Artest, and he took a car hood to the chest in this melee. Whatever his faults may be, Steven Jackson most definitely has your back... against anybody smaller than a large city.

Still.... few feel-good stories involve the lead-in of "I loaded my gun, picked up some weed, and headed off to the strip club."

I usually enjoy the dark side of sports, and these events listed above are no exception. I could watch that guy get yanked down by the mane 50 times and still laugh at it. But you need to balance it all off with a bunch of kids playing the game because they like it, and there's little else to do on a cold October afternoon in a small town.

I know, because I was there.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Go Shorty... It's Your Birthday

Friday is someone's Smurfday, and she is older than the av-er-age bear. Yes, I actually AM aware that it's Friday the 13th, and no, it doesn't bother me a bit.

I've never been that superstitious, and I don't think luck had anything to do with my being left an orphan, breaking the same leg twice, puking on my first date with my husband, getting mugged while on crutches, being in a car accident when I was pregnant, having a house wrecked by a Nor'easter every 7.2 years of my life, being embezzled from by a family member, being sent to the hospital by a turtle, being knocked unconscious playing soccer, or knowing that my daughters should be taller than I am by 6th grade or so- according to their doctor.

Nope... I live pretty much by logic, and some moral gymnastics that I call the Code Of The East... which, it is said, can mean whatever you need it to mean in a pinch.  I've seen the elephant in my own way during my spin on this here rock.

Smurf's pretty well-connected, even in Europe. She even has some dead friends, although some people are born posthumously. "God is dead," said Nietzsche... "Nietzsche is dead," said God, who generally gets the last laugh in these kind of situations. They're both wrong.

Generally, Smurf turns her column over in times of need to her protege, Beth in New Jersey. Not in October, though. That's when we bring in the heavy hitters.

I met Nietzsche after stumbling upon his MySpace page while looking for another Prussian friend of mine with a similar last name. We hit it off quickly (he's really, really into the WWE), and he agreed to fill in here while I'm off getting drunk and my protege is doing the Homecoming thing at her high school.

Fred knows little of football... but once you've perfected philosophy, you can apply it to most anything. It's a lot like cooking pasta... just throw it against the wall and see if it sticks.... no, not AFTER you put the sauce on it. Stephen actually though you could had to cook pasta in the sauce (you can, but not like he was thinking) before I got to know him. Yet, he weighs more than my sister and I combined.

We've had a long talk, Fred and I.... about what can and can't be said on the pages of Cape Cod Today. Fred had some funny ideas about Jews, Christians, Women, and just about everything else before he died of Loathing in 18whatever. He told me that he'd behave, although it's tough to threaten dead people with any sort of reprisal.

Anywho... I don't want any of you kids giving Nietzsche a hard time while I'm out, and we'll call if we're going to be late. If you misbehave, he'll crush the very foundations of your faith.


Buffalo at Detroit-

We have art in order not to die of the truth.

- Buffalo, 16-13


Carolina at Baltimore

A strong and well-constituted man digests his experiences (deeds and misdeeds all included) just as he digests his meats, even when he has some tough morsels to swallow.

Carolina, 17-9


Cincinnati at Tampa Bay

 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

Cincy, 28-7


Houston at Dallas

 The great majority of men have no right to existence, but are a misfortune to higher men.

Dallas, 27-10


N.Y. Giants at Atlanta

What is good? All that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? All that is born of weakness. What is happiness? The feeling that power is growing, that resistance is overcome

NYG, 13-9


Philadelphia at New Orleans

Morality is: the mediocre are worth more than the exceptions...I abhor Christianity with a deadly hatred.

Philly, 28-19


Seattle at St. Louis

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

Seattle, 20-13


Tennessee at Washington

'Faith' means not wanting to know what is true.

Washy, 12-7


Kansas City at Pittsburgh

The sick are the greatest danger for the healthy; it is not from the strongest that harm comes to the strong, but from the weakest.

Pittsburgh, 18-16


Miami at N.Y. Jets

Against boredom even gods struggle in vain

Miami, 3-0


San Diego at San Francisco

Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not.

Diego, 31-7


Oakland at Denver

Swallow your poison, for you need it badly.

Denver, 24-6


Chicago at Arizona

The broad effects which can be obtained by punishment in man and beast are the increase of fear, the sharpening of the sense of cunning, the mastery of the desires; so it is that punishment tames man, but does not make him "better."

Chicago, 28-14



Cleveland - It is possible to imagine a society flushed with such a sense of power that it could afford to let its offenders go unpunished

Green Bay . . . that every will must consider every other will its equal--would be a principle hostile to life, an agent of the dissolution and destruction of man, an attempt to assassinate the future of man, a sign of weariness, a secret path to nothingness.--

 Indianapolis... Without cruelty there is no festival: thus the longest and most ancient part of human history teaches--and in punishment there is so much that is festive!--

Jacksonville... In a man devoted to knowledge, pity seems almost ridiculous, like delicate hands on a cyclops

Minnesota... Madness is the exception in individuals but the rule in groups

New England...He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you


Weekend Assignment #133: Heroes of Free Speech

Friday, October 6, 2006

Deep Like The Shining

10/06/06 · 9:21 am      posted by Monponsett in East of Boston      [ Permalink ]

photo credit,

The Smurf took a beating from the schedule last week, holding on to .500 by like two fingertips. Undaunted, she returns today to steer you down the road to Bolivian. I went 7 and 7 last week- which is a fine drink, but a poor way to make money gambling. Toss in the spread, and I did even worse... I figgered Indy to win by like 24, easy.

So... the Smurf is 40-20 on the year, with a truly bad week in the rear view mirror. We only look forward here at the SS East Of Boston, so here's hoping I have wicked good luck with my calls on this week's entertainment.

Remember... does not condone gambling. We just discuss the betting lines on football games, and how we'd go about working against them. Don't take this column to the bank, either... you'll go broke fast betting on football tips given to you by a 5 foot French girl named Smurf... who has only been on a football field in a cheerleader skirt.


Miami at New England (-9 1/2)

That guy who quit on the Miami Dolphins to smoke pot, travel to Nepal and play poorly in Canada? They miss him. Duante Culpepper has looked Bledsoeish in his immobility. The only way the offensive line could play any worse is if they turned around and tackled their own ball carriers.

New England just blew out the media-darling Bengals, but are merely two weeks removed from the curb-stomping they took from the Broncos. They really have nobody to pass the ball to, which will hurt them when they play serious ball in January. The secondary- which was beaten like a stepchild against Denver- shut down an up-until-then fearsome Bangles air attack.

The running game has looked superb. The law firm of Maroney and Dillon has been taking cases on a  contingency basis... the contigency being that unless we're playing Denver, we're gonna put about 180 yards on your defense.`Leads have a way of staying safe if you spend the fourth quarter running the ball at the defense... especially if they have to respect the big-play capability of Maroney while dealing again and again with the up-the-middle-pounding of Clock Killin' Corey Dillon.

Miami has always been tough, and I can recall them bashing an eventual Super Bowl winner Patriots squad to round out a 2-14 season. That 9.5 point spread looks toooo heavy to mess with, leaving me in a situation where I'm betting against the team I love. That's the good thing about organized crime... the Patriots can still win, just as long as they don't do so convincingly.

Pats, 17-13


Buffalo at Chicago (-10)

If somebody took me up on the Rex Grossman injury bet last week, they'd be opening their mail to find a nice crisp $20 bill today. I'll still lay the bet out there... this dude is china-shop fragile. 'Plays with a helluva defense, though.

Bears, 23-16


New York Jets at Jacksonville (-7)

New Yawk hung with Indy's air show last week, so the slowest black QB in the NFL shouldn't be that hard to handle. Too bad they have to score themselves....

Jacksonville, 21-10


Oakland at San Francisco (-3 1/2)

Someone has to win... unless they tie. Oakland needs it more, but San Fran has been bad longer, and have compiled more high level draft picks.

'Niners, 12-9


Kansas City (-3 1/2) at Arizona

You just may see Matt Leinart start a new Cardinal dynasty as he takes over for the fumblin' bumblin' stumblin' Kurt Warner. Of course, I suppose that in order to see a new Cardinal dynasty, there would have had to have been an old Cardinal dynasty... but maybe the Gas House Gang counts, even if it was baseball and St. Louis.

Kansas City, 14-10


Tennessee at Indianapolis (-18)

Generally, you see the 18 point spread only when the two teams are "Nebraska" and "Iowa Pharmaceutical College." You can almost see someone else getting stomped by a frustrated Titan lineman, but it's the Titans themselves who will take the overall stomping.

Indianapolis, 34-13


Cleveland at Carolina (-8)

Things haven't gone as planned for the Pants, but Cleveland is a few years away from being a few years away from respectability. I'd even take the 18 point Indy spread with this one.

Carolina, 35-16


Detroit at Minnesota (-6 1/2)

It just can't get any worse for the Lions, and the only way they'll be picked to win this season is if I'm looking at the schedule and saying "They gotta win at least ONE game this year... why not this one?" Mini Soda isn't "this one," though...

Vikings, 14-12


Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-6 1/2)

Tampa's offensive line played so well last week, the quarterback had to have his spleen removed after the game. I'm not making that up. Never put money on a team that lets their QB get his spleen ruptured... unless it's the Patriots and Bledsoe, with a yet-unkown Brady watching from the bench.

New O, 17-15


Washington at NY Giants (-4 1/2)

October is Manning Time, so look for Eli the Younger to pad his stats on a Washington team that should be ashamed of what they're doing to poor Coach Gibbs and his once masterful reputation.

NYG, 27-20


St Louis (-3) at Green Bay

This is a good time to discuss the concept of the "home 'dog" theory. They say that you should never bet against the home team, unless the visiting team is truly a powerhouse. I had trouble typing KC as the winner in the above preview, while GB has truly looked horrible against all but the worst competition. I'll compromise by choosing against the home dog while calling for them to beat the spread. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I'm at peace with it.

Slewy, 24-23


Dallas at Philadelphia (-2)

The T.O. Bowl. An up-n-coming Dallas team is running into an Eagle joint that seems to be putting it back together. Look for T.O. to apologize to McNabb about everything after Nancy Drew Bledsoe gets sacked/throws one away/misses T.O. wide open in the end zone. It's like my sister told her boyfriend when she was cooking for him last week... "The soup won't seem so bad once you've tasted the chicken dinner I botched."

Illy, 28-24


Pittsburgh at San Diego (-3 1/2)

I can't tear me away from the vision of a still-mean Pittsburgh defense whaling on that semi-rookie San Diego QB like Moby. This game is a must-watch, although you may get to see it again in the AFC playoffs.

Pittsburgh, 14-13


Baltimore at Denver (-4)

I'm looking forward to this game far too much to bet on it. Baltimore could shut them out, or Denver could win so decisively that the Ravens are pretty much toast five games into the season. The truth, as it usually does, most likely lies somewhere in the middle.

Broncos, 17-16