Friday, January 7, 2005

Ron Artest New Year's Resolutions

In 2005, Ron Artest will:

- Release his next album during the NBA offseason

- When attacking crowds, try to punch a Black, a Hispanic, and an Asian for every white person he avoid bringing race into the issue

- Travel to Wal-Marts across the nation, getting stuff off the top shelves for short "make it up" to the fans.

- Eliminate the middle-man by just throwing his paycheck at whoever tosses beer on him.

- Join the US Marines, where ass-kicking is appreciated.

- Put the hard foul on Steve Nash next time.

- Point out to the media that Kobe Bryant was accused of raping a 100 pound woman, and HE wasn't suspended for the year before the trial. " time, I'll just go into the stands and forcibly sodomize someone."

- Next time, run into the crowd in Sacramento, where people are less likely to fight back.

- Try out for the Indiana Pacers under the nom de guerre of "Don Artest" or "The Artest Formerly Known As Ron"

- Say that he thought that the men he was attacking were with the Taliban.

- Claim that he was rushing into the stands to defend Mrs. Carlos Delfino, who was being hit on by spectator and noted Mexican girl hunter Karl Malone.

- Reveal that he has been doing a lot of work with unwed mothers.

- Use his free time to get elected to the US Senate, and make "punching someone in the face" legal.

- Pretend that he thought the white guy in the Pistons shirt he punched was Darko Milicic.

- Hire whoever he attacked, and have them claim in court that it was a TruWarrier records publicity stunt.

- Once reinstated, buy a ticket to a game, rush into the stands, and attack himself.

- Claim that he was steered to assault by violent video games like Pokemon.

- Talk David Stern into paying him not to come back next year.

- Get hit by a tsunami, and attack the western Pacific Ocean.

- Show up- dressed to play- for the Indiana Pacers practice on January 2nd...."Dude said I was suspended for the year, no?"

- Go spend the other $5 million he's made over his career.

- "David Stern, another white devil trying to keep the black man down"

- "400 years of slavery, and I can't hit a white guy??"

- Attack someone in prison, and get banned from there, too.

- Answer the prosecuting attorney's questions in Freestyle.

- "Stern didn't fine Sue Nami a dime, and she killed like 100,000 Yao Mings."

- "Your Honor, I'll be honest....I'm not the sm-Artest guy in the world."

Puddy Whipped

   Ye Gods....Jackie Christie's lap must have a cape with a big red "S" spilling out of it. Or Doug must have seen God when they met. Nothing else makes sense.

   On the surface, it's kind of sweet. Doug really loves the girl, and they work hard to make the relationship work. Of course, on the surface, a land mine looks a lot like a sand castle.

   For those of you who missed it, Doug Christie is whipped in a manner that Kunta Kinte would laugh at. Here's a few of the things I've learned about the Christie's relationship.

- Doug and his wife "talk" during the game by exchanging hand signals. These go further than a wave as Doug leaves the huddle. She has hand signals for "Shoot," "Drive the lane," and so forth. The Kings players are used to it, and even developed their own signals to good-naturedly goof on him about it.

- Toronto Raptors beat reporters observed the Christies during one game, and counted 62 episodes of communication. They actually had a betting pool on it, and the winner got a Molson keg.

- Jackie follows the team on road games....literally. When she isn't allowed on the bus, she carries a trip-long cell phone conversation with the poor man as she drives behind the bus.

- Jackie waits for Doug after the game, and they exit the court hand-in-hand. Doug is not allowed to leave the court until he locates his wife.

- Jackie jumps into fights that Doug gets into on the one point executing a belly-to-belly suplex on former Laker forward Brick Fox. Fox, who was married to hotty Vanessa Williams in a bi-coastal relationship, actually supports the couple's pattern.

- Doug is not allowed to speak to female reporters...even long-time NBA vets like Jackie McMullan. If one HAS to talk to him, Jackie will stand behind him for the entire interview..."so there will be no games." Jackie "is undecided" as to whether deviant male reporters like Marv Albert can speak to her hub.

- Jackie managed to get a female stat courier removed from her job when Doug was on the Raptors. The courier then launched a lawsuit against her former employer, and looks like a good bet to win it.

- When not allowed into the locker room, Jackie sends a note back to Doug, who writes a reply.

- The Christies have an elaborate wedding ceremony every July 8th, complete with cake, church, honeymoon, etc...

- She attacked a female autograph seeker who wanted Doug's John Hancock....which was a little too phallic for Jackie C. A security guard was forced to intervene.

- "Doug is allowed to look at other females, although I prefer he didn't." Jackie also refers to Doug as "my territory."

- Doug can not speak to any other female. He also avoids eye contact. If Doug has a heart attack and is taken to a female doctor, he has been instructed to die.

- When King's officials laughed off Jackie's insistence that all female staff be fired, Doug began dressing in a separate dressing room.

-As Mrs. Christie is a heavy sleeper, Doug allows himself to be chained to the bed beside her every night. He sleeps with his unit in a tub of ice, to prevent him from dreaming about other women.

- Doug's penis was removed during a radical 2002 surgery, and is kept in Jackie's purse unless Doug needs to urinate.

Sound like a reality series? Well, it's going to be one. VH-1 has it all set to begin shooting, and they start on the 11th of January. Doug claims it will be boring. "All I do is go home and play with the kids." says DC. Doug is wrong. VH-1 sees what he doesn't see, and look for a series of attacks as the V sends a series of hot models to interview Doug, try to get his autograph, and whatever else it takes to send Jackie into a helluva rage.

Don't get me wrong. I like bossing my husband around as much as anyone. I'm good at it, too. When I'm pregnant, he is actually trained to respond to the dilation of my pupils as I focus on the TV when it shows a Dairy Queen or Taco Bell ad. The training worked- he can be sleeping, but if I say "hot fudge sundae," he's on his feet with the car keys in about .007 seconds. Still, Jackie probably wouldn't let Doug go to Dairy Queen....the Queen's probably a female, you know.

Three more notes:

- Until they started a reality show, it was none of our business.

- If there was a female athlete with this kind of overbearing, domineering husband, I think the story would be far more well-known. It would be fun to see Bob Costas get attacked at the US Open, though.

- Doug looks like a pretty mellow guy, but I'll lay 2:1 odds on Jackie being cut into hamburger with a chainsaw on the day that Doug finally snaps.


Wednesday, January 5, 2005


   I've had no problem at all using words like "vile" and "despicable" to describe Kobe Bryant in this forum... but today, I have come to praise Kobe, not to bury him.

   Why would I have something nice to say about a guy who was a shook plaintiff away from being the man that we all know as the Rebounding Rapist? Because he did something nice this week.

   Kobe is taking part in a program called Shoot-A-Thon.

   It was Tracy McGrady and Jermaine O'Neal's idea, and agent Arm Tellem(who will match the highest donation) put it together. Bob Sura, Pau Gasol, Mike Miller and Jalen Rose are also taking part, and they will probably be joined by many others....because sometimes, doing good means that you get to shoot a lot.

   Shoot-A-Thon is simply this: Some NBA players will donate $1000 to a Tsunami fund for every point they score this week. Some of these dudes shoot a lot, so that's a lot of Keflex, bottled water, and rice.

   Jermaine may have forgotten about his pledge when he poured in a career high 55 points on the Milwaukee Bucks(quite a few Bucks, indeed) last night. Or maybe he didn't. Jermaine has already made a sizable donation to the David Stern Don't Attack The Audience fund this season, but I have a feeling that this paper will end up in better hands.

   TMac is a threat to donate 50 on any given night, and Yao is no doubt putting a little effort into making sure that the Tracer gets his shots this week. I'm told that Yao has thrown some ducats to the relief fund, as well.

   Kobe, who donated 7 carats to the Oh God, Don't Divorce Me fund last year, can be excused for his 5/16 shooting that killed my ESPN Fast Break fantasy team, the Monponsett Smurfs (I've made it up to 3rd place in the Boston Celtics Fans group, once I stopped letting my students choose the players- "C'mon Stace....Walter McCarty is cute").

   Bob Sura, who doesn't get into the games much, will actually be owed $7000 by the government of Sri Lanka. But it's all good.

   Look at all the bad press some of these dudes get. Jermaine could be seen attacking fans in Michigan in the moment he is most well-known for. Kobe was accused of taking "turn-down service" a little too seriously with a Colorado teen. Bob Sura got an earful of bad press for missing a shot on purpose to get the rebound and score a triple double. Pau Gasol gets told "You forgot the 'L', Sir" almost every time he writes his name. People mistake Mike Miller for the coach or the owner's son when he goes to the Grizzly bench.

   None of that matters this week, when they are putting their money where their mouth is....or where their scoring average is, in this case. Jermaine is already in for $55k, and the week ain't over yet. Fellow Pacer Scott Pollard, who has in-laws in Thailand, will donate $1 million (I think), and the Washington Bulle, er, Wizards sold Tsunami relief bands at a game this week. Each Wizard played with one of the wristbands on, and ya gotta love it.

   Many other players have undoubtedly written checks without notifying the media, and if one of them is reading this, you have my thanks. NBA guys get more Bad Pub than a Dublin resident, and ESPN won't show Jermaine O'Neal writing his check to UNICEF 50 times a day for a month- like they do when he hits people.

   I personally brought a fiver to the little Tsunami Fund donation bin at Wal-Mart while I was going to buy NFL Street for my XBox....and then, inspired by Sura, I bounced it off the side of the bin, got my own rebound, scored a donation, and got my triple double.

   The Lord works in many a strange and mysterious way....and so do I.

   Here's some links, if you want to do as Jalen Rose does: