Monday, May 28, 2007

Threw a knife into Heaven and could kill with a stare

We work on the holiday here at .Zamboni Rage,. just not that hard. Peep the links:

Bobby Knight used to host a golf show and, guess what, he had a short temper. - CollegeHumor video... you can probably see this one coming. Bobby Knight is one of the few people I know who is upset by the ice cream man. Somebody had him host a show about the most frustrating sport ever, and he gives you the full Dark Knight. (not office-friendly)

Golf isn't always so upsetting, though... Fuzzy Zoeller was so happy after making this shot, he took Tiger Woods out for some chicken.... There is a god of golf, and sometimes he smiles upon us. - CollegeHumor video. I hit one like this at the Wareham Mini-Putt, but You Tube wasn't there.

Some kid in Alabama killed about 1200 pounds of bacon and pork loin... check this beast out...Boy bags hog said bigger than 'Hogzilla' - That picture is #5 on Reasons I Won't Go To Alabama.

In this photo released by Melynne Stone, Jamison Stone, 11, poses with a wild pig he killed near Delta, Ala., May 3, 2007. Stone's father says the hog weighed a staggering 1,051 pounds and measured 9-feet-4 from the tip of its snout to the base of its tail. If claims of the animal's size are true, it would be larger than ``Hogzilla,'' the huge hog killed in Georgia in 2004.


Striper season is upon us, and one of the big Cape debates is whether you should fish for them with Herring, Clams, Mackerel or Lures. I prefer an RPG, as do most people in Afghanistan...Fishing in Afghanistan. The tough part is attaching the worm to your bazooka. - CollegeHumor video

Win if you can, lose if you must... but always cheat... unless the ump is looking. Phantom Hit - CollegeHumor video

For all the damage Cape Wind will do to the bird population, they won't get as many kills on camera as baseball does. If you're rooting for the birds, they get a few shots in as well, especially the mother goose.... Bird Moments - CollegeHumor video

Here's some high school tailback extrordinaire. Watch about a minute in, when he jumps over someone's head as he's running.....Sam McGuffie - CollegeHumor video

This baby loves breakdancing... you could say that she gets a kick out of it.... Times Square Breaking - CollegeHumor video

May as well end up with our original Veteran,,, a George Washington rap song with NC-17 hero worship lyrics.....George Washington - the new Chuck Norris? - CollegeHumor video

Thursday, May 24, 2007


from Zamboni Rage

YouTube - Pissah -- A Red Sox Fan's Lament,,,,,, speaks for itself.

Weekend Assignment #167: Bad TV You Loved as a Kid reminds us that there is never a bad time for some Hang Time.

 YouTube - Hang Time Season 2 intro


Dogfighting is big in the sports world these days. A lot of people look down on dogfighting, but not me. I love it. Here's a good brawl, where a hyper-aggressive smaller dog goes after a relative super-heavyweight.... David v. Goliath - CollegeHumor video

Turn down the volume for this one, because it's a bit NC-17.... but I hate when my friends and I go to gang-stomp someone, and they turn out to be a Shotokan Karate guy... YouTube - street fight

You hate to see a man get sliced at a baseball game, but you also hate to see someone interfere with a playable ball. I have no pity at all. YouTube - Pizza Tossed at Fenway....

Here's some video of that Chinese kid Danny Ainge is supposed to be all ga-ga over.....YouTube - Nba Draft Prospect: Yi JianLian (pronounced "Yi JianLian " )... he's the tall Chinese guy.

Surf na onda gigante..... YouTube - Surf na Tsunami

Kids.. cheaters never win.. well, generally. Check out reigning NBA champ Bruce Bowen in action...YouTube - Bruce Bowen Kicks Amare Stoudamire....and note the  "stick your foot where the jumping guy is landing" tech-neek.....YouTube - Bruce Bowen Strikes Again or this masterpiece of mugging- YouTube - Vince Carter goes at Bruce Bowen ...Here's the move discussed in further detail ..YouTube - Bruce bowen's "foot defense"(S. Fransis & Crawford).....peep the knee-to-the-nashers here....YouTube - Bruce Bowen Knees Steve Nash...or the subtle kick to the back YouTube - Bruce Bowen kicks Ray Allen...orthe whack-to-the-face on Carmelo Anthony ..YouTube - melo anthony gets owned byBRUCE BOWEN lol!'s a nice compilation...YouTube - Bruce Bowen Dirty Defense Mix... and why not learn from the man himself ... YouTube - Bruce Bowen Teaches You How To Defence (Men-To-Men)


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The NBA Draft Lottery Is Fixed


I really meant to stop in here last night, after the Draft Lottery.

Unfortunately.. the Cape Cod Times doesn't let me use the F Bomb in this forum, so I drank a bottle of wiine instead. Sudden binge drinking on a Tuesday night is rarely done for a good reason, but my conscience is clear this morning.

You see, I had my heart stomped on last night... by the random bounces of some Ping-Pong balls. Let S.I. tell you about it first- - Writers - Ian Thomsen: After Oden and Durant, draft becomes unpredictable - Tuesday May 22, 2007 11:18PM

The Celtics not only missed out on the #1 overall pick... and the #2... but also the #3.... well, you'd figure #4 would do... but NO.

The 5th overall pick in a 2 player draft... that's what we get out of 82 games of tanking, inept coaching, mongoloidian general management, and Personal Injury. I actually had to make up a word to describe Danny Ainge's management skills, because the English language doesn't contain harsh enough adjectives to express how I feel about that sandy-haired clown.

But Ainge gets to slide this morning, because today's Zamboni Rage (we're not really that hockeycentric here... we just thought that the title sounded cool) was born last night from a hopper in Secaucus, NJ.

Call me crazy, but I feel that the worst teams should get the best draft picks. The draft lottery was invented- so they say- to prevent teams from losing games on purpose to get a better draft pick. Tanking still happens. Portland wasn't trying any more or less than Boston was last year, but they got our draft pick. The year before, playoff teams (the Los Angeles Clippers) were tanking games at the end of the season to create favorable playoff matchups.

They were just doing what was best for the franchise, as were your own Boston Celtics.They just weren't penalized for it, like Boston was last night.

If the NBA can't promise that the teams will make the maximum effort, they should fine the owners. Instead, he screws their fan bases... hoping for a sort of Trickle Up effect where the fans shun the owner's team, thus fining the owners de facto style.

Remember... NBA Commish David Stern isn't employed by some basketball players/fan collective. He's employed by the owners. He's not going to do the right thing, ever... he's going to twist a national pastime to suit the whims of 32 greedy millionaires.

Portland as a franchise was floundering. Every player they had was some sort of criminal. Dogfighting, weed smoking, assaults, OUI... you name it, the Blazers had someone who did it. We got Bassy Telfair and is gun collection from the Blazers. The team sucked, and the fans- normally the NBA's most consistent sellout- were shunning the Blazers for Lumberjack Contests and Salmon Fishing Derbies. They got the #1 overall pick.

Seattle is in dire straits financially, can't get a stadium built, and is flirting with every town that has a stadium. The Sonics could be in Oklahoma, Vegas or Mexico City next year... which is good for Oklahoma or Vegas, but is bad for the NBA. They got the #2 overall pick.... the pick Boston would have had, sans the crooked lottery.

It never looks good for the league's prestige when an NBA team fails in a major city. It's also bad for them when a city gets a team by stealing it from another city... because the NBA is expoansion-minded, and expansion teams pay a GNP-sized fee for entry into the NBA. If Oklahoma gets an expansion team, they pay the NBA. If they steal the Sonics from Seattle, they save $200 million or so.

Seattle was about to fall off the NBA map into the Pacific, with a degenerate Portland squad standing next in line. Now... all that has been taken care of. Seattlewill get the stadium built, Portland will be led for the next two decades by an Aw-Shucks kid from the midwest, and the Pacific Northwest will be saved for the NBA. More importantly, it shuts out Oklahoma and Vegas... who can now only hope to gain entry into the NBA as a costly expansion team.

My sources tell me that David Stern actually had his family dog strangled right before the NBA lottery...because only a personal tragedy of that magnitude could keep him from just laughing out loud during that whole Sham of a behind-closed-doors draft lottery.

Anywho... I'm pretty angry this morning. My thoughts before writing this, and keep in mind- they're mostly irrrrrrrrrrrational:

- I hope that Kevin Durant bumps his head on the Space Needle.

- I hope that Greg Oden is hiking just outside of Portland, drops his compass, goes to pick it up... and is then suddenly taken by a Sasquatch in a manner similar to prison shower-room assaults. Keep in mind, the person I'm wishing this on would have essentially been my third child had some Ping Pong balls bounced differently.

- I curse David Stern's family to suffer a Whammy of bad luck... business failures, ugly children, botched circumcisions, costly divorces... and anything else I can think of. I hope he vacations here and reads this, too. Eff him.

- While I hold some stock in each company, I wish for McDonnell-Douglas and Microsoft to fail.

- It's been a long time since that rascally northwest region of the country has suffered a good Tsunami... maybe too long.

- If the state of Washington had any patriotism at all, they'd have long ago occupied all that Canada between them and Alaska.

- It must suck when you're travelling, meet people, get asked where you're from, answer "Washington," and get asked about the White House or something...especially where it must happen over and over again, to the point where you snarl "Washington STATE" out of context a lot.

I'd better shuffle along now, because opening wine at 8:14 AM is an option that simply isn't on the table this morning... and nothing short of witnessing a Stoning will abate the Zamboni Rage today. Onward through the fog.

Monday, May 21, 2007

"To all my friennnnnnnnds..."

A few notes on my immediate future...

 The NBA Draft Lottery is tomorrow night. The Celtics will have their future dictated to them by a tumbler full of ping-pong balls. They have the second-most ping pong balls in the tumbler, and have about a 20% chance of getting the first overall pick.

#1 gets them Gerg Oden, a hulk of a center who pretty much hands us the NBA Atlantic Division. Pick #2 gets them Kevin Durant, who would add 20 wins to the club's total from last year.

After that, there is a huge talent drop-off. Imagine thinking that you have a date with Rose McGowan. Imagine that instead, when you show up, it's Rosie O'Donnell. That's the difference between pick 2 and pick 3.

I love my Celtics. I watched them with my father, when I was a kid. We usually beat the hell out of whoever we played, and watching them was an exercise in Satisfaction. I loved every game, and looked forward to the next one.

I also looked forward to watching the Celtics with my kids.. but that went out the window when the team started to really blow. No need to have Gabrielle hearing me yell "Goddamn Doc Rivers!" or "Danny Ainge must have pictures of the owner raping a Cub Scout... it's the only way I can see him keeping his job." So Gabby is usually off in bed by game time.

Greg Oden wipes this problem off the table the moment he ambles into Boston. It's all wine and roses after that... or so it will seem tomorrow night when we get the #1 overall pick. Unless Danny Ainge messes it up somehow, but that's another article.

If we don't get Oden or Durant....

Well... I like to think positive. There are some fine players out there. Yu Zailing or something from China, supposed to be great. The three Florida kids look solid. Someone must be leaving Duke or UNC. We'll have to select someone, and we'll most likely still get a fine player.

Of course, I won't be aware of it. The moment we lose out on picks 1 and 2, I will retreat into a mute, insular phase that may last for several months. We lost the Tim Duncan lottery 10 years ago last week, and the Gods wouldn't be so cruel as to dangle the next franchise big man in front of my face before whisking him off to Memphis or Atlanta, would they?

We'll find out tomorrow.

I need to relax... which, to me, means watching someone else suffer. This is the funniest human/bear fight I've ever seen...YouTube - Guy gets his ass kicked by a bear.

There's no blood... it's a salmon commercial.

YouTube - Blind Cops -- Episode 1

YouTube - Chicken Suicide

YouTube - Maximum Security Workout

YouTube - Midget runs from cops

YouTube - Don't rob banks in Spain. this is why

Friday, May 18, 2007

Gettin' The Heisman

Celebrity News - Longoria still enjoying regular sex

A big rumor working them Internets was that, to better help the San Antonio Spurs, actress Eva Longoria and fiancee Tony Parker are shelving the Horizontal Bop until the NBA Playoffs are over. They're to be married in July, when Tony will be in his off-season.

For those of you who don't ascribe too much importance to chasing a bouncing ball around.... there's an old sports adage that sex drains the constitution from athletes. "It takes the explosive power out of the legs," said somebody, once.

Boxers live by this. Notice how grouchy Mickey was towards Adrienne? Notice how Rocky didn't bring Adrienne to Russia with him while training to fight that big Commie? Many will say- while appreciating the Inspirational power she brings to the table for the Rock- that barring Adrienne from the proceedings may have kept Rocky from being buried next to Appollo Creed in the Beatdown Cemetery.

Now... keep in mind... the athlete is already in the business of Sacrifice. Rocky can't eat junk food, drink booze, sleep late... none of that good stuff. By taking sex off the table, there's not much left for Rocky to do besides Spartan training and what is most likely angry mastrubation.

 Of course, too much hand friction can harm a man, too: - MLB - Finger puts unbeaten Beckett on DL - Friday May 18, 2007 12:35AM

Sox pitcher Josh Beckett hurt his finger.... tore some skin on it. He's had this problem before, and seems to be- no joke- a bit thin skinned for his job.

Offhand, I'd imagine that Beck has some dietary defiency that leaves him with weak skin. He should eat Viamin E all day. 

This depresses me, so I need some Yankee-bashing laughs. Here's some:

Never blow off a fan (especially one with a gift bag from your fan club) for an autograph when said fan has a XM Radio show, as Derek Jeter learns.

YouTube - Jim Norton Derek Jeter gift bag

Aaaah... I feel better, now. The Sox swept a doubleheader last night, too... the center is holding.

The NBA Daraft Lottery is next week. This, more than anything else that happens in our immediate future, will determine how happy I will be basketball-wise for the next decade.

If we win the lottery- and we have about a 20% chance of doing so- we get Greg Oden. Oden is widely viewed as the next Olajuwon, and the Celtics will be immediate contenders upon his arrival. Option two is Kevin Durant, a high-scoring forward from Texas. While I'd rather have Oden, this kid is a nice consolation prize.

 After that, things sort of slide off the edge. Corey Brewer, Acie Law, Roy Hibbert, Al Horford... all nice guys and fine players, but none of them is a Franchise. Boston has the second-best shot at the #1 pick, and the #2 should be theirs by logic. Any other outcome of the draft lottery will make me insane... er.

Speaking of insane... if you want to visualize the draft lottery, here's an engine from ESPN that shakes it up and sorts it out for you. If you hit this more than three times, ESPN sends you a Loser Merit Badge.

ESPN: NBA Mock Draft 2007

I only had to hit it 6 times to get the Celtics a nice Greg Oden.

Some more Bad News...

I’m hoping Barnes hasn’t lost rebounding skills | Bill Reynolds | | The Providence Journal

Marvin Barnes nearly took Providence to the top in 1973, and he tore the ABA apart when he got there... for about a season, before the cocaine started undermining his skills. He went from scoring 25 a game in 1975 to being pretty much out of the NBA by 1979. He's best remembered now for sniffing coke on the Celtic bench while hiding his head under a towel.

Now, like with most things in life, the key to cocaine is Moderation. The average basketball game is about 3 hours long. If you can't wait three hours for some cocaine, it's time for a bit of lengthy introspection.

Marvin just made a joke of his Rebound Foundation, which is now known as "Marvin's Cocaine Fund."

I hope he's innocent, but I doubt it.

I like ending on laughs.... here's a great interview by The Rock:

YouTube - The rock makes fun of brock lesnar and HHH

One part steroids, one part revival preacher, one part egomaniac... that's The Rock.

The Rock makes movies now, but he was probably the best wrestling interview west of the Iron Sheik and north of Ric Flair:

YtouTube - Ric Flair Interview


Weekend Assignment #166: Rock Out

Weekend Assignment #166: Name the three songs you listen to when you totally want to rock out. Note that they don't actually have to be rock songs -- they can be in any genre whatsoever, and from any era. They just have to be the songs that get you pumped up and ready to go.

Extra Credit: And name one song to cool you back down.

I score this along a "If I were getting into my car to kill someone, what music would I play?" scale....YouTube - Raekwon & Ghostface Killah - Criminology

or "If I'm going to check the dread"... YouTube - Channel Live - Mad Izm (Feat. KRS-One)

I had a student who was into the band Korn. I had her write an essay about Native Americans. It was all "They knew a lot about growing Korn."YouTube - Korn - Here to Stay. Not that it matters in this debate, but that story needed telling somewhere... and this is where it happened.

After I get drugs and kill someone (and fail a history test)... I like to cool down with perhaps the only ode to the Mystic River ever... YouTube - Van Morrison - Into The Mystic

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

"I make you humble"


Sacre Bleu, I'm wide awake in the middle of the night! I can't even blame Cocaine for this, as the heaviest thing I got into last night was a Pepsi. I was still in bed at 9;30.

Part of it is the no-work thing. I'm used to being a full-time student with at least one job, often two or three. I tend to wake up feeling behind, just long enough that I can't get back to sleep once I realize I'm retired.

As high-stakes as Mothering is, I actually don't view it as a job. I totally enjoy hanging out with the girls, and I'll miss Gabrielle once she starts school. Even my two year old is fun, which gets me a lot of raised eyebrows when I say it among other moms. The downside is that they wear me out, I go to bed at 9, and wake up at 3 AM.

May as well get some work done... some mid-week video fun for you all.

YouTube - WC Crip Walk

I'm not sure that he does it right, but French housewives don't overrule rappers when How To Crip Walk is being discussed, regardless of how long she taught at whatever ghetto. Things are best left that way.

Walter? Please get back in your seat... you can practice the Crip Walk later. We're just warming up, here.


Hopping fom culture to culture.... we've had mention here at CCToday concerning our lack of Gyro Ball media. That will not be allowed to continue. For those of you not in the know, the Gyro Ball is the ace-in-the-hole pitch that our new Japanese hurler uses, a sort of mystical converse breaking slider that looks sort of like this:


Oooops... wrong one. I meant... THIS: YouTube - Matsuzaka Famous Gyro Ball in Japan

Dice looked good the other night, but I'm sort of hoping that he rounds into form when the weather gets more Japanese as summer nears. I'm thinking that he requires mid-summer humidity to make the Gyro work, and may not even be aware of this fact himself. I'm rooting for a 6-0 July with 54 strikeouts.

My sources tell me that Clemens was balls-out in his first pitching session, so we'll need the little SOB to get it together.


Working our way west from Japan, here's a bit of female professional wrestling from Israel.

 YouTube - Makkat Medina: Israeli Satiric Wrestling

Now. my Yiddish isn't that sharp, but I speak the international language of Wrestling well enough that I can explain what's happening here. You have your basic evil Schoolteacher character fighting what seems to be a combination of a Farmer's Daughter and a Cheerleader character. 'Happens all the time.

Cheerleader Inga from the kibbutz is a regular Jill of all trades... but Master of none, because she got her ass handed to her. She takes a nice leg sweep (Israeli girls all serve time in the IDF, and even schoolmarms pick up such tactics) and absorbs a finishing move that seems to knock her out by slamming her on her own keister.

Here's what I learned watching this:

- I'm not sure what the teacher said before the fight, but I know it wasn't good.

- Never go for the flying elbow if your opponent is still conscious enough to be fixing her hair as she lays before you.

- Kibbutz farm girls usually have cheerleader outfits on under their work clothes.

- It's not anti-Semitic if I root against the Israeli Cheerleader, because I'm rooting for the Israeli Schoolteacher. We teachers stick together, you see... like slightly less dangerous cops. Besides, the Israeli cheerleader seems to lapse into English here and there when she's making her speech.

- "Za onish" means "It's over." If it doesn't, it should.

But that's not the best central Asian professional wrestling action we have.

YouTube - Iron Sheik goes nuts

The Iron Sheik- who is actually really from Iran, and competed for their Olympic team- does a shoot interview for a Boston wrestling show.

Some background.... the Sheik left Iran when the Shah fell, but was able to parlay his heritage into a good Villain role for the WWF during the hostage crisis. An actual wrestler, and generally regarded as one of the stronger men in wrestling, the Iron Sheik was the man Hulk Hogan had to beat to become famous.

The Sheik also coached our team in Munich, and the Black September people would have just knocked on the next door had only the Sheik been visiting the Israeli team that fateful morning.

None of that really matters here, though. This is a drunken guy with a taste for cocaine, bad-mouthing his former co-workers on a cable TV show in heavily-Persian-accented English. There will be some Profanity issues for some of our nicer readers if they watch this clip. The Sheik threatens to break people's backs and sodomize them, though he doesn't phrase it as delicately as I do.

Drunken Iron Sheik interviews are a You Tube staple, but I'd be amazed if there's one out there as awful as this one... although this one is close... YouTube - Iron Sheik praises intelligent Jews.

Old timers will appreciate the Classy Freddie Blassie cameo, and wrestling scholars will note that the Iron Sheik may have been the one to invent the term "Jabroni."


My favorite Christian Children's Heavy Metal Band.. YouTube - Trampled Underfoot Practice Session. They need a drummer, but God Shall Provide.

They're not named after YouTube - Trampled Under Foot by Led Zeppelin (Page rules, incidentally). While I didn't ask, I'm assuming that they are named after "Jerusalem shall be trampled under foot by the Gentiles," which is Jesus speaking in Luke 21-24b. Many Christians see this as Jesus calling the re-taking of Jerusalem by the Israeli Satiric Wrestling League in the Six Day War of 1967.

Either that, or it's Orwell... referring to the Oceania/Eastasia throwdown. "There was a riotous interlude while posters were ripped from the walls, banners torn to shreds and trampled underfoot." They spell their band like the Orwell line.

I was gonna ask, in the band's comment section... but I had to know about the lack of a drummer, first.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Bull In The Woods

One of the good things about keeping a web page is that you can use it to trap those silly thoughts that float through your mind. The thought process is nothing without articulation... sheer abstract waste. The blog allows one the ability to capture those thoughts for posterity.

Some generally-a-moron-type may bring about world peace with an offhand statement in her blog that suddenly becomes a culture-crossing catch phrase. F*ck, a person could set themselves up as Jesus II if the right people linked to it and all the cards fell into place.

Of course, Jesus was crucified... and however heroic His sufferings on our behalf were, that's a good-God-a'mighty big price to pay. I'd rather just help out the NFL a bit, and maybe just have someone call me a schmuck.

I love football, and instinctively resist ideas regarding fundamental changes in the game. I inevitably say to myself, "If it was good enough for Bronco Nagurski or Gayle Sayers, it's good enough for today's kids." Chuck Bednarik played both Offense and Defense, was a thoroughly brutal man, and should be the kind of guy the NFL runs new ideas by... perhaps even with Veto power.

The NFL should be run like that. Applying a Chuck Bednarik litmus test to any idea thus becomes my final means on judging it. "What would Chuck Bednarik think of ______?" If I were much older and more powerful in NFL-related matters, they'd still be playing witthout helmets today.

Either way... Chuck might not like the idea of selling our game to the Asians. While I don't feel like opening the Wikipedia right now, I'd bet that part of Chuck's youth was spent fighting either Koreans or Japanese, quite possibly both... and he only beat up hippies in the 1960/70s because he couldn't get his hands on any more Asians.

But there's about 3 billion Asians on this planet, and they need more football in their lives. If Pol Pot had been a Chicago Bears fan, Cambodia would probably be a thriving democracy right now. I bet Mr. Bednarik didn't like seeing all those automaking jobs go to Japan... what better way to get some of that money back than by hooking them on football?

I have a way to:

A) take a really lame part of the game and make it kick-ass

B) bring in immense Asian interest to the NFL

C) do A+B without changing an iota of actual on-field play.

Here's the sitch:

Two teams play for 60 brutal minutes, and the game ends in a tie. They go to sudden death overtime, and somebody kicks a field goal after a few short passes. Whoopie!

Whoever gets the ball first is either 1) going to win or 2) deserves to lose. Thus, the coin flip is ascribed far too much power in deciding the outcome of games. People who get pissed at a scrawny kicker deciding a contest of 300 pound men must want to kill when their season is shot to hell due to the spin of a nickel. This takes the potentially game-altering moment in a physical game, and resolves it with a 50/50 lark bet that a P-Town sissy could beat Sean Taylor at.

It's very fair as a basic concept, and Americans love a Square Deal. Most of us wish  we got 50/50 odds on our big life events. Still... so much more could be done with this truly pivotal moment in a game.

This is why I propose that:

The NFL should ban the coin toss in favor of having two fat guys on the roster who are there solely to Sumo in the center of the field (the star at Texas Stadium, for instance... may as well get some use out of all that painted sod) for control of the ball in sudden-death ovetime situations. 

Stand them on either side of the circle, then let them play Bull In The Woods until someone is shoved out of the circle. The winner's team then gets the ball. Simple and plain.

Inevitably, teams will find room on their rosters for one really big guy who knows how to Sumo. The best Sumo wretlers come from Asia, and the introduction of an Asian onto each NFL squad would bring, oh, 6 billion new sets of eyes to the game.

That's like 3 billion purses, and purses hold money.The NFL just cancelled games in Asia for next season, die to "marketing voids"... which is a French term for "Asians don't care about football."

They'll care about football if two Rising Sons are fighting it out in Texas Stadium with millions on the line.... and, as an aside, it'd be nice to see American kids get a new Asian hero. Lord knows they must get stuck watching enough MTV for us to retain a Favorable Trade Balance in this area.

I can pretty much guarantee that the next NFL jersey I bought would be that of the Patriot who was handling Sumo duties for us, should the NFL adopt my rule change. I bet 3 billion Asians would say the same thing.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I ate the lobster, and then I ate his tail

Behold... the classic Cape Cod clam shack.

Welcome to Barlow's Clam Shack.

Known among the local culinary elite as Barlow's Of Bournedale, it is a favorite haunt of my good friend the Bournedale Phantom.

Normally, you don't want to eat at a decrepit shanty on an industrial canal a quarter mile from a power plant (and about 10 miles from a nuclear plant)... but clam shacks are to Cape Cod Cuisine what shotgun shacks are to Soul Food, or maybe what greasy-spoon diners are to truckers.

Besides... they fry everything... and any bacteria that survives a fat fryer was probably going to get you anyhow.

Note the ground covering. Those are smashed up clam shells. While a trifle sharp, they are actually an aesthetically-pleasing enough Look. The olfactory benefits can be muted by boiling the shells before paving your place with them, although New Englanders are usually far too enured to the smell of decaying mollusk to waste time on that kind of stuff.

Before you call the Home Depot.... Your average clam is about 2-3 inches long, and clam shell driveways are only economically viable if you have access to thousands of clams... like if you ran a seafood place, maybe...

I was just here for ice cream, and often aim my daily walks towards this Mecca of mine. Why, just this week I had Maine Blueberry ice cream (which was superb) and Lobster Tails (which was an artery-clogging vanilla/chocolate swirl/almond concoction with little halved peanut butter cups- red, of course- that looked like lobster tails)... the latter being so good that I almost had to have sex with the cone.


As I became more well-travelled earlier in my life, there were three things I was shocked to learn about the way the rest of the country speaks.

One... what everyone else calls a "milkshake, we call a "frappe." The rest of the USA has no term for a whipped milk/syrup drink.

Two... you only have to get as far as Connecticut before the practice of calling a split-loaf sandwich a "sub" is obsolete. By the time you get to NYC, "hoagie" is useless. "Hero," however good it is as a term, doesn't even make it to Philly. The rest of the country, I've determined, lacks imagination or a large Jewish/Italian population.

Three... no one outside of New England uses "wicked" as an adverb/modifier of an adjective. "Wicked" means "evil" everywhere in the United States... except New England, where it means "very."

The use of "wicked good" on Barlow's sign looks like an oxymoron to 99.1% of the country, but it clearly speaks to me that it this a local place run by local people. I was drawn to it immediately... or "wicked fast."


This is my man Hoss The Booty Filler from Grazing Fields Farm, in Bounedale.


You may have trouble finding the carved-cod window box at the local hardware store if you live in, say, everywhere but Cape Cod.... but we have plenty.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

'like George the animal, kick ass on the annual...

"Never forbid what you lack the power to prevent."

I'll be hard to find this week/end, but I wouldn't leave you without quality entertainment.

Here's a guy who Gluttony probably should have polished off in 1986 or so, performing what I feel should be the Cape's official Regional Anthem.

YouTube - Mountain - Leslie West & Corky Laing - Nantucket Sleighride

 Duxbury High School used to wax the gym floors in the spring, for some reason. Ideally, this would be conducted when gym classes could be held outdoors. Mother Nature is no idealist, though... and when it was too rainy to run us around outside, we'd get stuffed in the mini-gym to watch Coach Dellorco's video collection.

I can recall the Miracle on Ice tape, the 1972 gold medal basketball game, and 1978 one-game Sox-Yankees playoff nightmare. The gem of his collection has made it onto You Tube, though

YouTube - Marvin Hagler VS Thomas Hearns

 While watching this Masterpiece Of Mayhem, take note of the ref work of Richard Steele, the microphone pwnage of Al Micheals, and the crowd of Romans howling like mad.

But the stars here are the terrifying Detroit Hitman and the Marvelous Brockton home slice who knocks him smooth the uck fout.

This, and maybe Iran Barkley/Roberto Duran, is about the best I've seen. Ali/Frazier was third, although You Tube does Ali no justice.


I hate when this happens, and it's 100% why I don't go on boats:

YouTube - Hammerhead ate my Tarpon

Monday, May 7, 2007

My style broke mother lovin' backs like Ken Patera

Back in the saddle, beating other bloggers like I had a paddle....

 I done did a little travelling recently, mostly related to our house in Maine. Never hire French-Canadian roofers. If Moses had hired francais labor, there'd be an 11th Commandment... and if you actually read the Code Of Hammurabi, there are sections devoted to shoddy construction, punishable by death.

The Code Of Hammurabi was carved into rock, so you know they were only taking serious applicants for admission. The eye-for-an-eye here was that the carpenter was to have the dwelling collapsed upon him- no mean feat when everything was made of stone.

 While I don't want anyone Collapsed, I have missed my little friend Miss Blog here, and we have two important matters to discuss 'fore I head off to get some ice cream.

 A) Randy Moss

B) Roger Clemens

Randy Moss is a 6'5" burner who can match a cheetah stride for stride for 50 yards. He's gathered scores of touchdowns in his career, which featured the Patriots refusing to move up to get him in the draft so they could stay where they were and select Tebucky Jones.

Randy- who played with Troy Brown at Marshall- had an entourage following him when he was 19 years old. When asked to state something positive about Moss, his college coach says "Let me tell you what a nice boy Troy Brown is." I'm not making that up.

Randy also smokes enough weed that his arrival in Massachusetts drove down Cape Cod marijuana prices. He's left the field before the game was over. He's mooned a crowd of 75,000. He has an afro you could hide a child in. He went to Oakland last year and dogged it to the point where they gave him to us for a 4th round pick.

Time heals all wounds, though... and there aren't 5 guys on the planet with his particular combination of speed and height... and we have the one with the best hands.

The QB throwing to Moss last year wasn't that more effective than sending out a short French girl who sort of pushes the ball at him because she can't get her fingers around the laces. I could get more than 5 touchdowns throwing to Moss, and I'm sure Randy has already ejaculated over the thought of playing with Tom Brady. If all works out, they may be each other's favorite person by October, 2007.

As for least favorite people, the Spankees managed to ink Roger Clemens to an abominable contract for this summer and beyond. Roger comes to the AL East with the express purpose of saving the league's big ticket franchise. NY could afford the man, and money makes the world go 'round, kids...

 Roger is 45, but that's only like 32 in Texan years. You know he's throwing smoke, and you know the Yankees are going to mount a furious charge right around the time we figure out that our zillion dollar Jap fireballer isn't up to snuff. I've seen it too many times already not to see it coming now.

I'm already preparing myself mentally for this inevitability, although I may have to get a night job if things are really, really ugly in early September. Children shouldn't see their parents cry.

Of course... I was present the last time the Sox bats went after Rocket Rog.... the 2004 All Star Game... and both Big Papi and Super Manny beat his ass bad enough to be able to command Newports for it in prison. Right in his hometown, too... in one of his previous retirement tours. I loved it.

You know that burned his ass, and he'll be screaming for vengeance off that mound like Nolan Ryan Jr. this summer.

No worries. It's not as much fun winning the pennant against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, or whatever the hell they call themselves these days. I want Yankee blood on my hands while i enjoy my World Series victory beer. Eff them. Go sign Mo Vaughn, too... it doesn't matta.

We will sail in the Bay of their Misery.