Wednesday, September 26, 2007


Baseball season is winding down, and the Sox are guaranteed at least a playoff berth. Whether we'll be hosting said playoff games remains to be seen, but we're in the driver's seat. Prior to the battle Of New Orleans, the British sent Andrew Jackson a message implying that they'd be having their Christmas dinner in Chocolate City. "That may be the case," Jackson replied, "but I shall be presiding over that dinner."

 Much like the Founding Fathers outlasted the Limey Poofters, the feeling in this column is that the Red Sox will march on a road of bones to another World Series title. I should add that I'm a substitute columnist here, and that the regular columnist is in a coma to prevent her from killing someone if the Yankees pull some Bucky Dent-type snit.

I should also add that I had a pink "B" hat before they became fashionable, and the way to tell a fan from an arriviste is if said pink hat is all beaten up.

October looks to be Heart Attack time, so we'll say good-bye to summer with some nice football talk on a calm, sunny afternoon. I refuse to go to my local high school football games until the weather is cold enough to merit drinking hot cider, but we have the NFL to keep us occupied until then.

The Pats rolled over Buffalo to the tune of 38 points, and this one was only close for a quarter. Cincy is up next, and they should be a good warmup for the inevitable Indianapolis clash. We see Indy in the regular season, but one gets the sense that the real game plans will be coming out in the playoffs. Still, Cincy is another passing attack with some talent, and it will be good to tune up on them.

Cincy was supposed to be much, much better than they are. They have a #1 overall draft pick at QB who actually panned out (ours was a statue, but we got the Franchise is the 6th round a few years later). They have a runner good enough that they let Clock Killin' Corey Dillon go a few years ago. They have a huge offensive line. They have a bevy of talented receivers.

Unfortunately, you also have to play Defense in football, and their defense blows like the mighty North wind. They gave up like 70 points to an inept Cleveland squad earlier this year, and were basically the easy whore of Mr. Touchdown USA when we played them last year.... and they don't seem to have gotten much better.

Therefore... this Monday night, in front of a packed house and billions of fans on TV... the Patriots will walk out onto the field and stomp the Bangles like they were one of those flaming doggy bags that mean kids leave on the doorsteps of people who don't come correct with the Halloween candy. We'll hold their face into the wet carpet of inequality, then whack them on the nose with the rolled-up paper of Destiny.

I don't see us giving Indy the so called "A Game" in the regular season. Belly will want to bring out some surprises for our old friend Mr. Manning. We'll play them very vanilla, and will probably lose- perhaps for the only time this year.

However, I see us using a lot of the same things on Cincy that we'll use in the playoffs against Indy. Look on it as a sort of NFL Yom Kippur War, where the US and Soviets got to see all their military stuff tried out in a theater that doesn't result in the loss of Minsk or Seattle. Cincy is a good team, with a few minor problems to solve before they become contenders... but they're in the way of destiny, and destiny calls for New England to layeth the 38-21 smackdown on those poor Riverfront sons-of-witches.

Elsewhere in the N... where your favorite pig-tailed prognosticator is a respectable 30-18 so far this season (two 11-5 weeks sandwiched around an 8-8 stinker that featured wins by Detroit, Arizona, Houston and Cleveland).


Houston 13, Atlanta 9

Houston is 2-1, and will actually look a contenderish 3-1 after polishing off a doomed Falcons squad.


Baltimore 24, Cleveland 14

Baltimore is sort of the anti-Cincy... they can't throw worth a damn, but it's a bugger to score on them.


Miami 20, Oakland 13

Miami doesn't stink this badly, and Oakland should win about once a moon or so.


Chicago 10, Detroit 7

Chicago hanging an L on Detroit would go a long way towards making the NFC division standings make more sense. Rex Grossman turned in one of the worst games I've ever seen last week, but Detoit is Detroit.


NY Jets 17, Buffalo 16

Buffy hung with us for a quarter, but I always put my money on the more Cape Cod-ish team, and the Mangina's presence on the Jet sidelines leads me to favor them by one.


Green Bay 20, Minnesota 13

Minnesota has a fine team right down to the quarterback, who might lose to a good high school team. Green Bay will be the worst 4-0 team in history, although it's tough not to root for their silly redneck QB.


Dallas 24, St. Louis 23

Slewy can score, but they got slapped silly last week. Dallas was on the same field when Rex Grossman beat his own team. That's good enough for the extra point.


Pittsburgh 17, Arizona 14

Arizona is good-getting-better, but Pittsburgh hasn't fallen far enough from the SuperBowl perch to lose to them yet.


Carolina 24, Tampa Bay 17

I think that the Bucs should go back to those sweet old school orange jerseys, as (especially) should the Broncos. I punish them for it by choosing them to lose this game.


Seattle 13, San Fran 12

San Fran paid big money to Darrell Jackson, who Seattle refused to pay said big money to. Seattle developed this philosophy after paying big money to D-On Branch, who, ummm... let's just say that he didn't bring them any Super Bowls. I personally think that Seattle made the correct decision.


Indy 28, Denver 27

I almost lived dangerous and went with the Bronk Hos, but I see Indy/New England being a battle of unbeatens, and this loss- which could happen- would screw things up. Sorry, Denvah!


San Diego 38, KC, 17

Sandy has looked putrid all year, but they can re-establish some statistical balance by stuffing their yards-per-carry against this not-this-year-fellas bunch from the midwest.


Philly 30, NY Giants 28

This looks like a helluva game, and the Giants are my 3rd favorite team... but I'll go with Filthy-delphia.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

"Might Wanna Get It On Tape, Son"

Not since High Plains Drifter have I seen someone take that bad of a whipping. San Diego has a great tailback, a gamebreaking tight end, they're good on both lines, and have been waiting for a rematch with the Patriots all winter/spring/summer....

 And we beat them like they were slow to harvest our cotton crop.

No taping needed. We were on them like a cheap suit. We shut down LT, made Rivers look like a punk, and generally treated them "like the bear treats the rabbit," as they say in Maine.

For starters... was that Adalius Thomas a superb pickup, or what? He's strong, fast... and look how well he's mastered the Patriot defensive scheme, which even NASA types describe as "complicated." You can wait your whole life for your team (coughBruinscough) to find such a perfect fit in free agency, and doggone it if we didn't do it TWICE last offseason (well... once via trade).

I mean, we may as well extend Randy Moss right now. He was simply Man Amongst Boys last weekend, and is on pace to score about 24 touchdowns this season... and, as he skipped preseason, he may score even more as he gets warmed up.

Art Shell and Andrew Walter should be banished for life from the NFL, because I can't see how Moss was so invisible the last two seasons in Oakland. I mean, it's not like he was held back by playing San Diego twice a year... seeing how he shredded those fools like cabbage last Sunday.

High-powered offense, punishing defense, preternatural coaching, and a code of ethics that can be changed to mean whatever we need it to... it looks like a fun season in Foxboro. We also knock up actresses, then dump them for supermodels.

You just KNOW that ol' Peyton Manning is wetting himself watching those games. He has to realize that this current squad has been assembled for the express purpose of stomping his corn-fed ass, and he barely got past a much weaker Pats team last winter. I can't wait for Pats vs. Indy.

We're almost tempted to allow Stacey out of her coma, but the Yanks are within 3.5 games and the stress would most likely kill the poor girl. And, to be honest, "coma" might be the wrong term. The doctors were getting sort of wimpy regarding the ethics of keeping a perfectly healthy woman in a sports related preventative coma, so we sort of improvised.

Lately, we've been allowing her to do her thing during the day, and we send her off into the arms of sleep before Sportscenter comes on. Usually this is done by me KOing the Smurf with an ether-soaked rag, although there have been a few occassions where I had to pin her down and smother her out with my hands.

This isn't normal babysitter duty.... but her sister won't fight her, and the Colonel- who saw combat in Iraq and Mogadishu- will only hold her legs down after I've rendered her supine. Stacey is small and slight, but she fights like a wildcat. I usually have the advantage of attacking from out of nowhere, and so far so good.

Granted, all this babysitting has sort of interfered with my school work... but the Colonel went to my school and straightened everything out. While I don't want to imply that money changed hands... I now have a 4 period out of school elective bracketing my 3 Rs Book Learning Stuff, and Bourne High breaks ground on the new indoor track facility next spring.

Speaking of money.... it's time to go through this week's NFL schedule and see who will be making us money this week.... We'll start off by giving New England a 31-14 victory over hopelessly overmatched Buffalo.


Pittsburgh 17, San Fran 16

One team going up, one team going down... I bet the score will be reversed if they meet again next year.


Baltimore 12, Arizona 10

Arizona's one playoff win since 1947 (including time in St. Looey) is more Poe-esque than anything Ray Lewis does.


Indy 31, Houston 7

While Reggie Bush was rushing for 30 yards in the season opener, Mario Williams (who the Tex passed on Bush for) was the NFL Defensive Player Of The Week.


Philly 35, Detroit 21

Only Peter McNeely's 2-0 start was less impressive than Detroit's.


San Diego 41, Green Bay 13

It's never good playing someone who got slapped like a ho on national TV the week before, especially when they waited all year for that  game... LOL


NY Jets 17, Miami 16

Even Coach Belly wouldn't want a tape of this stinker game.


Kansas City 12, Minnesota 10

Larry Johnson looked taller in his granmama commercials.


St. Louis 28, Tampa Bay 7

The fact that "Tampa" is how a Bostonian pronounces "tamper" will have little or no effect on this rout.


Oakland, 10, Cleveland 7

If Oakland starts the season with losses to Cleveland and Detroit, they should be banished to Sacramento or something.


Denver 28, Jacksonville 17

Never ditch quarterback A until you have quarterback B lined up, Jacko.


Cincy 48, Seattle 47

"Bengal" is Latin for "bet the over."


NY GIants 21, Washington 18

I'm rooting for Eli every time he plays Peyton, and I don't know why.


Carolina 28, Atlanta 6

The NFL should let Michael Vick play, but they should drown him when he loses.


Dallas 7, Chicago 6

Fantasy football fans know that it's sometimes better to just not play a quarterback than it is to send Rex Grossman out there. That kid could piss off Guy Smiley.


New Orleans 27, Tennessee 19

I still have Katrina sympathy for Chocolate City. Conversely, my post 9/11 sympathy for NYC was played out by October... but the Great Lady and I have had our differences over the years.