Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I took trips from New Jerz to Cape Cod

   If this journal doesn't give you enough Cape Cod goodness, allow me to recommend, which is a collection of Cape Cod-themed blogs. If you are into the whole Cape Thing, this is the place for you to be.

   Now, I qualify as a J.O.C. (just off Cod). Even though I'm on the mainland side of the bridge, I'm a Cape Codder. I grew up in Duxbury... two towns off the Cape, and so amazingly different that it is almost like a whole other state. Where the Cape has a Summer of 42  feel to it, Duxbury has a Summer of (18)42  feel to it.

  The old-timers tell me that you're a Cape Codder once you realize that you are the only person you know (besides your neighbors) who has to drive Northwest to get to Boston. I may or may not be technically on the Cape here in Buzzards Bay, but I made it onto CodBlogs.

   The Cape is a fun spot. Yet, it is madly overrated. They may have 50 days of summer weather, and the principal economic activity seems to be selling antiques to one another.... then going to a seafood place with the profits. Buzzards Bay may have 3000 people living in it... but we have about 10 antique shops, and 15 restaurants.

   There's also an inordinate amount of people who grew up here, stayed here after high school, and found out that there were no jobs (there's a by-law concerning how many Antique shops one town can have)... and now sort of hang around at the bar all day.

   Throw in some Massachusetts Maritime Academy cadets, some beached fishermen, and a thriving biker community... and you'll have a very good chance of seeing a rowdy bar fight at 11:15 AM on a Wednesday morning in December. The Mass Maritime cadets behave worse than the Hell's Angels do, btw.... and the fights tend to go to whatever side rolls with greater numbers.

   Aesthetically, it is beautiful. Cape Cod was shaped by glaciers and gradual sea erosion. Sand dunes, cranberry bogs, pine trees, and never being more than 5 minutes from a beach (even a cold one) are good things to try to move near. The population density goes from neighbor's children walking into your house in summer to no trick or treaters at all by Halloween.

   Traffic is bad, until you find the Bournedale Road. This allows you to skip all the Sagamore and Bourne Bridge traffic by driving through a windy country road that passes a horse farm, two cranberry bogs, 5 miles of the Miles Standish State Forest, and Little Sandy Pond. It might add one mile onto a trip from Duxbury to Buzzards Bay, but it saves the driver 30-75 minutes... depending on whether it is a summer day or not.

   Now, this journal rarely covers Cape Cod events... I may have had one sports article about the Bourne Braves, and a few others concerning cranberry harvests, Nor'easters, and the season's first snow.

   Still, it is a Cape phenomena, and the people of Cape Cod may one day be held accountable for the damage that I do. Until then, go to and check out a truly unique corner of the world.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Not The Mooch!


    Steve gets the heave in Detroit.

   This is a lesson in how football management works. The GM fires the coach. The owner fires the GM. If the owner is stupid enough to hire the GM that wastes 3 lottery picks to fill the same position... and to give a five year extension to the guy who drafted Josie Harrington #3 overall before that.... you can see who's head is going to roll.

   Mooch wasn't a great coach. His teams never got any better, and players under his tutleage (read: Harrington) actually regressed. That said, he deserves better than to be fired for Matt Millen's mistakes.

   Detroit has been bad for my whole life. Even when the had the splendid Barry Sanders, they were simply also-rans. They've had a top ten draft pick every year this decade... and they still stink.

  Chances are pretty good that Detroit will get another high draft pick this year... and chances are better that Millen will fumble this one away, too. It seems that the owner cares only about Millen's ability to suck a golf ball up a garden hose, because he just fired a coach for playing the sad hand Millen dealt him.

Friday, November 18, 2005

My Favorite Sick Kid

Pizza Boy in Wareham (508- 295-2095) doesn't know it yet, but they'll be making one of these for my new main man.... and one for me, for generating this free publicity. High Above Courtside  needs revenue to keep up this kind of Nation Wide Action.... but we'll settle for a large linguica pizza.! - Wareham Bulletin - Local News - Printer friendly

   Stephen Brown has it bad. Mitochondrial Metabolical Disease bad, or gradually shutting down all of your major organs bad. He knew he was dying before he figured out that whole Anta-say thing. He may be dead by the time you read this... it's that bad.

   One usually doesn't laugh out loud when reading his story, but I have a certain affinity for black humor, and this kid has it by the bushel-effing-basket. Here's his dying request, as relayed by his mother:

   " He picked out an outfit to wear. And he wants to eat steak and beer and pizza and a salad before he goes. I don't know where he got the beer idea from. We don't drink beer in this house."

   A lot of kids would ask to sit in the dugout with David Ortiz, or to have Ashlee Simpson go to his school dance. Not this kid. He wants beer, pizza and a fat steak. The salad is on the list no doubt for Roughage, but that's beside the point: This little SOB rocks like going to an Alice In Chains concert with 2 arms full of heroin.

   To be honest, his wish list seems more like something you'd hear from a guy on Death Row, which- despite the fact that the kid has a date with Mr. Death coming up- is unusual, as most innocent 8th graders don't really have that Rae Carruth kind of mentality.

   I have a sneaking suspicion that young Stephen Brown, if allowed the opportunity to add to his list, would jot down these three addendum:

1) Turn on the game

2) Hot chick serving the beer...

3) ..who leaves after. Well  after...

   If any of my readers hears about this kid starting that final slide towards the Light... let me know, and I'll make sure this kid has at least one day where he stuffs his face like Henry VIII. I'm a town away.

   Also.... fat mad props to both Morse Lumber and the kids at Upper Cape Cod Tech. These two have joined forces to build a spare room for Young Goodman Brown. If you read that article, you see a kid who needs his own room.... and not for medical reasons, either. 

   Sometimes, a man just needs his own four walls... and a large extra cheese/linguica/ red pepper/bacon/mozzarella/mushroom pizza.

   To be honest... when my number's up... I'm asking for the Stephen Brown Special.

Upper Cape Cod Regional Technical School Home

Collage of photographs of students working on campus.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Bad News Barnes - Boston Celtics: Barnes comes off bench with claims

  Red Auerbach had his victory cigar, and Marvin Barnes had his fat nostril duel with the Peruvian Light Infantry while sitting on the same bench that Bill Russell once graced (it was the same bench, too... the Boston Garden was a truly nasty building, and I miss it dearly).

   Now, your humble Smurf has nothing against the occasional schniggedy-schnoutful of the White Man's Burden... but when you are banging down what I'd gather were huge snorts of Tony Yayo with your head under a towel (as about 4000 children watched), it may be time for some lengthy introspection.

   Marvin "Bad News" Barnes was a bit before my time, but he's that kind of ugly story you find when you poke around in the NBA's 1970s era. This was the post Wilt/Russell yet pre Larry/Magic days, and the big names were Dr. J, Havlicek, Maravich, Kareem, etc... The NBA was a weak sell.

   Boston was in sad shape at the end of the 1970s. After Havlicek retired, the franchise was ass-out ugly.The Celtics were sold a few times- at different times, it was run by a Florida land baron and a chicken salesman- and a mammoth trade swapped half of the Celtics with half of the Buffalo/soon-to-be San Diego/ then Los Angeles Braves-Clippers.

   Things worked out well enough eventually, as Red Auerbach stole Larry Bird  and some trades/drafts worked out... but at the end of the 1970s, the Boston bench was the kind of place from where a man just might have to salute Colombia.

   Boston was Valhalla compared to the ship of destruction that was the sad life of Marvin Barnes. Who ever hung the "Bad News" nickname on Barnes must have had a direct male bloodline descent from Nostadamus, because he was one of an effing kind. Tremendous bio, too:

Marvin Barnes - Spirits of St. Louis - Players

   DP could tell you better than I could, but Barnes was a smooth 6'9" forward who had been on a splendid Providence team that almost brought the NCAA baby home to that nasty little city in Rhode I-land. He went into the ABA, and tore the league apart... except when he didn't show up to games, or when he turned up at a pool hall after being missing for a few weeks.

  The best News story I know (from either David Halberstam or Frank Powers) involves Barnes sleeping through a team flight. They called him to tell him he was going to miss the flight. "News will catch a later flight," he said.

   About 5 minutes before tipoff, Barnes shows up. He's dressed in his uniform, and wearing a full-length mink coat. He's also polishing off a Big Mac and fries. "Have no fear... Bad News is here."

   He scored 44 that night, they say.... and had chartered a plane to make the game. He was probably out of basketball 4 years later.

   Marvin had signed a huge contract, but that money is long gone, now. He made several non-refundable investments in Bolivian agricultural interests, and his release from the Clippers (his final shot was an airball) actually led to a small recession in Peru.

   Drugs are fun, kids.... but- as with anything you do in life- moderation is the key. Marvin certainly had the finances to be in a Newport mansion right now, instead of working for a Providence do-gooder foundation.

   Speaking of which, check it out... The Rebound Foundation is a nice bunch of folks.


The Rebound Foundation



   Iowa residents would know better than I, but one would assume that there comes a time- most likely a time that includes the period when the tornado is actually in your yard- that you'd better get into the basement.

   This time varies greatly from person to person, and especially so when one of those people is myself and the other is this sick eff who got this video:

CNN Daily News Clips :Amateur Tornado Video

   It's Iowastanding!

Gettin Muddied By The B-O-A

Putfile - 7th Floor Crew  by the University of Miami Football Team...

NC-17, it's essentially a gang rape to a bad Dre beat. You'll want to wash your speakers after.

"You don't wanna test these pimp ass niggaz unless- you want your wig split."

Regardless, it's good to see that UMiami has a new fight song. This title refers to the floor of their dorm or the jail they'll be in.

It's just 13th grade, as we say in the MA.

"Throw her legs up, and put her in the Buck"


1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? white, with roses and gold trim. They effin' rock.

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Restrictor Plate This, by Jerry, The Dieast Dude

3. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? some chron flakes



6. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING? Wake up in the mornin, got the yearnin' for herb


8. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? that green that the AOL banner uses

9. HOW MANY RINGS UNTIL YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Caller ID, then it depends on the caller


11. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? chocolate AND vanilla

12. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? One does not drive fast... one drives "faster."



15. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1986 Nissan Sentra, I could go from Duxbury to Nashua for $2

16. WHAT ARE YOU DRIVING NOW? 2004 Jeep Grand Cherokee

17. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? Stay Off The Grass

18. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? I actually don't eat the other part.



21. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL, OR HALF EMPTY? "Soon-to-be-filled"

22. FAVORITE MOVIE?  Scarface

23. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?  I have my own thing going on

24. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? the floor


26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?  on TV, football.... in person, hockey




30. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? while the sandwich could have either, the fries will need ketchup

31. HAMBURGER OR HOT DOGS?  I won't eat a hot dog


33. THE BEST PLACES THAT YOU HAVE EVER BEEN?  The Seventh Floor of the UMiami athlete dorms


35. FAVORITE FAST FOOD?  linguica pizza

Friday, November 11, 2005

Mann To The Fiz-Arm

May as well empty both barrels into cranberry harvesting...


When it gets cold, the cranberries will get all effed up if allowed to freeze on the vine..... so they spray water on the bogs on frosty nights, which forms a frost on the bushes that prevents the berries from freezing somehow.

Yes, I know that doesn't make sense... that's why I don't farm stuff.

My man up on the John Deere Wet Dream (literally)... loosening the berries, which floats them to the flooded surface for cool photo-ops.

I've been negotiating with the Crayola people, hoping to sell them this shade of red. They shot me down over a similar incident last year, when I tried to sell them "Off Whitey."

We visited last year, and explained the process better here... The Million Cran March<FONTCOLOR=#FFFF66>  and here... Mann To The Fiz-Arm

October on Cape Cod ... foliage
Bournedale... ruff-ly the same area
Dog Meets Bog.... yet more cranberries..
A Grassy Noel.....berries


Check It


   Jamie Mottram represents AOL and the Blogosphere on Cold Pizza, ESPN2's ("the Deuce," as spots fans who don't remember Mussolini call it) morning show. Jamie, who hosts AOL's internet radio show Sports Bloggers Live(check the banner link on top of this page), is brought on for his blogging expertise. His expertise is massive- he's connected like Verizon.

   This is cool for reasons that are Legion. For starter's, Jamie is a nice guy who is getting a fat break. Secondlyish, he drops a quote from Out Of The Brew during his segment- Mr Bier Snob is a long-time fan of this page. Thirdly, this may be a recurrent event- which means that if you get off a good line around showtime, you may hear your name dropped on the Deuce.

   The cable TV people have been recording everything you watch for years, so as to exploit you. Offset all the porno and ultimate fighting on your balance with some Cold Pizza. It's good for all of us.


Monday, November 7, 2005

They Still Have Soup

   If you coddle Peyton, smash New England up for 8 games, and take away our best defensive players... they can beat us in a yawner. I just hope we injure Peyton, so he can't enjoy it.

   I'd rather use this space to support T.O.

   I'm a lot like T.O. I say stupid stuff. I'm immature. I'm not the best team player in the world. Pretty much everyone I know thinks I'm some sort of a loser, unless it's dinner time. It's why I like writing so much- sometimes, only the keyboard loves you.

   If I annoy you on AOL, you can imagine how bad I am in person. Try working with me, especially in an invested-emotional job like teaching. I'll be the first to tell you that I'm an ass, and that I could basically give an eff if you like it or not. You knew it when you brought me on board.

   We'd probably have some business AND personal differences in the course of the business day. That's natural, and it can be excused when dealing with a jerk like me. It might even get ugly.

   That doesn't mean that you can hire a "bad-ass-ador" to come in and accuse me of faking an injury, no matter how much you dislike me.

   Try that at your job. Find a disgruntled employee- maybe one who is mouthing off outside the job, one who isn't happy with his salary, or one who you dislike personally. If that employee is unlikable, all the better- especially if you can isolate the person and make them look bad in the media.

   Now... send the 290 pound Badassador in to call that guy out in front of the team. Try to avoid the fact that you're calling out a player over an injury who was the only guy to show up (with a broken leg or something) in last year's Super Bowl... especially while you stick up for the guy who was throwing up in the huddle in that very same Super Bowl.

   I taught in some pretty nasty high schools- Brockton High School, which is terrifying, ranks about 3rd on my list. Only Don King has seen more fights than me. With the exception of outright extortion, I rarely saw a spontaneous fight where one party was exclusively at fault- especially the guy in the fight who is giving up 75 pounds.

   Whoever runs Philly sent a common thug down to deal with a problem the G.M. should have handled with a transaction. When they did that, management lost all credibility in the matter. At least the Mafia enforcers wear suits.

   Even the 52 guys on the team kept their mouths shut- probably because they know they won't win without him. They probably also know that only T.O. and Westbrook- who the management is also trying to nickel and dime- were the only ones who showed up in the Super Bowl. Well, Corey Simon did, too.. .but where did he end up?

   T.O. is right. The Philadelphia Eagles have no class. They're no better than him- in fact, they're worse.


Cranberry Harvest At Mann Farm


Picture from Hometown


Mann Farm in Buzzards Bay

Mann Farm is that big boggy thing in the back... makes for a cool aerial.


These cranberries- after washing and processing- may very well end up on your Thanksgiving dinner table.


The cranberry itself is too tart to even try to eat- something Sloppy Dog figured out almost immediately, but not immediately enough.

The Cranberry Sauce on your dinner table has been cut with so much sugar, it might turn into Cornholio!


^^^  These bogs are flooded one at a time, meaning that the local Canadian Geese population has to sort of hop from bog to bog. They were pretty pissed about it, and they did not agree to be used in this photograph.


I didn't hang around all day, but I got the basic idea of how the process goes. This guy drives that thing around, loosening up the berries, which then float to the surface.


Then this dude walks around with a big net, pulling the floaters to shore. There were a guy and a lady on land holding the rest of the net, but their picture didn't come out... and keep in mind, the above picture counts as a good photo, so when I reject one... total darkness. I even failed to get the Moon, and it was the only thing in the sky when I aimed the camera.


All the berries go into that truck, by use of a machine that didn't want to be photographed.


Why I Don't Take The Photographs Here Part II, or Why I Owe The Colonel A Fat Dinner For Going Out Into The Bog This Morning And Correcting My Mistakes.

I cook better than I photograph:


A simple cranberry sauce can be made with roughly 2 parts cranberries, 1 part water and 1 part granulated sugar by weight.

So, begin with a one pound bag of fresh cranberries, one cup water, and one cup granulated sugar. The sugar can be increased to 1-1/2 cup if a sweeter sauce is desired (I use honey- about a half cup to every 2 cups of cranberries).

Rinse the berries in a colander and remove and stems or bad berries. There's no need to spend too much time on this step(unless you steal the berries right out of Mann Farm in Buzzards Bay). You can also use frozen cranberries - just rinse them and don't worryabout defrosting them.

In a medium saucepan, heat the water and sugar until the sugar is dissolved. Then bringthe syrup up to a boil and pour in the cleaned berries.Adjust the heat so the mixture maintains a simmer and cook until all the berries pop or crack open, about five minutes to seven minutes. Take the sauce off the heat at this point, or simmer it down to the desired thickness. Remember the sauce will thicken a little while cooling. Chill overnight in the refrigerator before serving.

While simmering the berries, additional ingredients can be added for more flavoring such as orange zest, flavored liquors, or spices like cinnamon.
( I've tried it with rum and maple syrup, although it's a whole other animal at that point).

Cooking For Engineers - Recipe File: Cranberry Sauce

 (the comments are my own)


Sunday, November 6, 2005


   Gimme a "M!!!"

   The Smurf took the 2005 Best Sports Journal at the Vivi Awards last night. I'd like to thank all the good people of Journalville who hung a chad for me.

   I shouldn't have won. Even though I was nominated 3 times in the same category, the other nominess deserved it more.

   Sportz should have won before I did. Look at his blog, then look at mine- who is doing the better sportzwriting? He's a machine, simple and plain. I get half of my ideas simply by checking out his page.

   The best part about a Sportz Vivi win would be the fact that- and I know Sportz pretty well- he wouldn't give a damn, and would most likely be annoyed by the email notification.

   There's two types of people in this world, kids...there are people who need emails with "Congrats, sweety! HUGGGGGGGGGGGGG!! " in them, and there are people who would much rather not be bothered during a Celtics overtime game.

   That's a true sportswriter, and I don't think that I even need to tell fans of this page which category Sportz would fall into.

   Alex and his blog made it onto both the Today Show  and the Tonight Show. He got to dodge Leno's chin, try to look up Katie Couric's skirt, and got off a scathing one-liner on Larry The Cable Guy- whoever the eff that is. I put myself in the AOL Journals Hall Of Fame for lesser reasons.

   Speaking of insulting famous people. I actually got off a few good ones when Barry Bonds was near me at the 2004 All Star Game, but only like 100 people heard it... Bonds actually looked up and laughed, once. The joke was either "I guess this place IS the Juice Box, now!" or "Even my unborn child thinks you're on steroids!"

   He then gave me the finger... but his hand was wrapped in a baseball glove at the time, so the effect was more like a wave (I pointed this out to him). Big, rich and dumb... just how I like them.

   When I was about Alex's age (or maybe even a little younger), I stayed up to watch the Grammy Awards. While the politics of a Grammy escaped me at the time, the big story that year was how Jethro Tull beat Metallica for what I think was the Best Heavy Metal award.

   For those of you who aren't into Heavy Metal, Metallica- at the time- was like 5 young dudes who played as loudly and heavily as possible. One ranks right up at the top of Heavy Metal songs- sort of a slow buildup to a ferocious guitar solo coda. Picture a much darker Freebird, and you'd be on the right track.

   Jethro Tull, on the other hand, were like 60 years old, had a guy with a flute, and haven't had a good song since before Reagan. If you told me that Jethro Tull's members had grand kids that weren't allowed to listen to bands like Metallica, I wouldn't have questioned it.

   Jethro Tull is named after the guy who invented the Seed Drill (which forces seed into the ground, saving it from Europe's hungry bird population) in 1700, in case you were ever wondering. Watching them in action, you'd think the real JT might be the bass player.

   Still, Jethro got the Grammy, and Metallica had to live to fight another day. My father- who listened to French music, which sounds like someone was beating Pepe LePeu with a guitar while he leaned on a piano- told me that Metallica were just kids, and that they would probably win several awards before they broke up or ODd. You need to know people in this business, as they say in Hollywood.

   Well, Alex and Sportz just got Jethro Tull'd last night. Don't think that I didn't love winning a Vivi- I just know where my bread is buttered. I slept easily last night simply by knowing that the day of Alex will come, and that  Sportz wasn't disturbed while trying to concentrate on college football.

Check out some of the people who won the vote:

Friday, November 4, 2005

Monponsett Is the Illest - NCF - Paterno: 'The black athlete has made a big difference'

   If anyone would know, it would be Joe the Boss, who has been running the Nittany Lions since before I was born. I'm pretty sure that Joe spends some time with young blacks, so it's not like when Duxbury High used to play urban schools in tournaments and we'd be like, "Wow... they're really fast." 

   Joe's probably right about the general aspect of scoring going up with the introduction of the black athlete, although that Forward Pass thingy might have something to do with it. 

    Even if there was a brief period where black WRs were introduced into the NFL and ran wild over the slower whiteys playing defense, the introduction of the black cornerback should have smoothed out the Bell Curve.

   Besides, if he only has to outrun a white free safety, a white WR looks just as fasterer as Moss does running away from Duane Starks... provided the coach is willing to call a Forward Pass play.


   Never underestimate technological advances or innovations... like the Forward Pass. Modern science, agriculture, medicine, and industry upped the average human life expectancy from 40 to 77 in no time at all (to a historian). Every time you see that fridge in the kitchen, give it a great big hug.

   There isn't a sport that isn't totally different than it was in 1921. I'd love to see the 1927 Yankees play the 2004 Red Sox, for reasons that have nothing to do with race. It'd be a helluva game.

   Would today's AFC All Pro Team stomp the smaller 1925 Bears like Sasquatch? Would Eddie Shore knock out all of Wayne Gretzky's teeth? Would Kobe smash his testicles into George Mikan's face while hook-dunking on him?

   The answers are yes, yes, and yes. 300 pounds moves 180 pounds backwards quickly pretty much every time, evil is evil, and I saw Kobe s*** on 6'10" Dwight Howard so hard last year, Dwight could have won a civil suit.

   Scoring is up in hockey, too. I can pretty much assure you that this fact has nothing to do with some plantation owner in 1795-era Virginia buying the biggest Angolan off the slave ship.

NFL Pioneer’s Honor: “Better Late Than Never”

    Any scoring spike would probably be tied to Knute Rockne's Forward Pass more than Fritz Pollard, who was the the NFL's first black head coach (1921).  Pollard coached the Akron Pros, and his crazy-dumb overdue inclusion to the Hall of Fame finally came earlier this year.

   Pollard- who must have been an amazing man- also led Brown from Rhode Island to their only Rose Bowl. Pollard played against George Halas in high school, if you want a better visual. George would never hire Pollard, or even schedule games against Pollard's team.

   The NFL had a very early desegregation, depending on if you consider "from the moment it was born" to be early. Pollard and Rube Marshall were the only two black dudes on teams that joined the NFL when it was formed in 1920.

   Between 1934 and 1946, blacks were not allowed to play. After Pollard in 1921, the next black head coach was Art Shell in 1989.

   He also played professional football for the Pros, Milwaukee Badgers, Gilberton Cadamounts, Hammond Pros and Providence Steamrollers. In his own way, he may have been cooler thanJackie Robinson. He was coaching a team before the Great Depression.

   The first black Quarterback to play in the NFL was the splendidly-monikered Willie Thrower (above), who would be a bad guy to walk across a bridge with. He played for Halas' 1953 Bears. His name is funny in the way that it's funny that someone named Crapper invented the toilet.

   Marlin Brisco (below) was the first black to start at QB, for the 1968 AFL Denver Broncos.


   The inaugural black QB drafted in the first round was Tampa's Doug Williams, who also snagged the first Soul Super Bowl in DC. The first NFL black starter was Jim Harris, of- I think- the Rams and the Bills.

   During Vietnam, sergeants on the grenade range told recruits to throw the grenade "high and hard, just like a football. You white guys, throw like Unitas... and you black guys, throw like Harris." - NFL - T.O. agrees: Eagles would be unbeaten with Favre

   Bringing it back full circle, TO wants a white quarterback?

   OK, I think TO is more concerned with things like Health and Talent than skin color, and he is not alone in his thinking. Michael Irvin recently said that Philly would be undefeated if Brett started there.

   Donovan is not a lot unlike Favre- a scrambling QB with a cannon of an arm- and it would be an interesting switch. Favre is at the end of the line, but he deserves better than what Green Bay is trotting out beside him. Donovan would be pissed, but this is TO's fantasy.. not his.

   TO rules. He's what you want on the field- a superior athlete who delivers big every Sunday... but he has this Funny Side that manifests itself in touchdown dances, crazy quotes to the media, outing gay teammates, and criticizing the guy who is literally the hand that Feeds him. He's the duck and  the sauce. 

   We all have an evil twin in us, and only rarely does he have a huge head and crazy elephantine hands.

"Stop cryin'...or I'll pop you another one!"


Thursday, November 3, 2005

Why Women Rear The Young

Oh, the things I get in my email....

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be
able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

And I Quote...


Guessing what the pitcher is going to throw is eighty percent of being a successful hitter. The other twenty percent is just execution.
Hank Aaron


A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
-Muhammad Ali


I'm not comfortable being preachy, but more people need to start spending as much time in the library as they do on the basketball court.

-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Less than a foot made the difference between a hero and a bum.

-Grover Alexander


I got a hundred bucks says my baby beats Pete's baby. I just think genetics are in my favour.
-Andre Agassi

I'll play first, third, left. I'll play anywhere - except Philadelphia.

- Richie Allen

I never met a man I didn't want to fight.

- Lyle Alzado

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.
- Ali

I am America. I am the part you won't recognize. But get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me.

The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses - behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights.


I throw the ball ninety-two miles an hour, but they hit it back just as hard

Joaquin Andujar

I like my players to be married and in debt. That's the way you motivate them.
-Ernie Banks

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.
-Charles Barkley

Proper preparation prevents poor performance
- Charlie Batch

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
- Yogi Berra

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?
-Jim Bouton

If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing you grandmother with her teeth out.
- George Brett

Show me a guy who's afraid to look bad, and I'll show you a guy you can beat every time.
- Lou Brock

Whenever the occasion arose, he rose to the occasion.
- John Brown

In politics, a lie unanswered becomes truth within 24 hours

-Willie Brown

I'll do whatever it takes to win games, whether it's sitting on a bench waving a towel, handing a cup of water to a teammate, or hitting the game-winning shot.

- Kobe Bryant

And I want to say anything is possible. Comma. You know.

- Frank Bruno

I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important - like a league game or something.
-Dick Butkus

Hitting is an art, but not an exact science.

- Hall of Famer Rod Carew (he converted)

One advantage of bowling over golf is that you never lose a bowling ball.
-Don Carter

Pro-rated at 500 at-bats per year, my 1,081 strike-outs would mean that for two years out of the fourteen I played, I never touched the ball.
- Norm Cash


Nobody roots for Goliath.

-Wilt Chambelain

We take the shortest route to the puck and arrive in ill humor.

-Bobby Clarke

Baseball is a red-blooded sport for red-blooded men. It's no pink tea, and mollycoddles had better stay out. It's a struggle for supremacy, a survival of the fittest.

- Ty Cobb

He slides into second with a stand up double.

-Jerry Coleman

 Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.
-Doug Collins

Experience is a great advantage. The problem is that when you get the experience, you're too damned old to do anything about it.
-Jimmy Connors

Bravery is believing in yourself, and that thing nobody can teach you.

-El Cordobes

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

-Chili Davis

If you step on people in this life, you're going to come back as a cockroach.

-Willie Davis

Well what's wrong with ain't? And as for saying 'Rizzuto slid into second' it just aint natural. Sounds silly to me. 'Slud" is something more than "slid." It means sliding with great effort.

-Dizzy Dean

A champion is someone who gets up when he can't.

-Jack Dempsey

I don't recall your name but you sure were a sucker for a high inside curve.


The pitcher has to find out if the hitter is timid, and if he is timid, he has to remind the hitter he's timid.

-Don Drysdale

Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best.
-Tim Duncan

Baseball is like church. Many go, few understand.
- Leo Durocher

God watches over drunks and third baseman.

-Leo Durocher

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?
- Leo Durocher

I really believe this team has a lot of potential - whether it's this year or in years to come, I don't know.
-Brett Favre

I would rather beat the Yankees regularly than pitch a no hit game

-Bob Feller

I didn't begin cheating until late in my career, when I needed something to help me survive. I didn't cheat when I won the twenty-five gamesin 1961. I don't want anybody to get any ideas and take my Cy Young Award away. And I didn't cheat in 1963 when I won twenty-four games. Well, maybe a little.
-Whitey Ford

I know Koufax' weakness. He can't hit.

- Whitey Ford

I want to keep fighting because it is the only thing that keeps me out of the hamburger joints. If I don't fight, I'll eat this planet.
- George Foreman

 bet some of you feel sorry for me. Well don't. Having an artificial leg has its advantages. I've broken my right knee many times and it doesn't hurt a bit.
-Terry Fox

When I go out there, I have no pity on my brother. I'm out there to kill him.

-Joe Frazier

One thing you learned as a Cubs fan: when you bought you ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth.

- Joe Garagiola

I don't know if it's how I speak or what it is about me that presents that sort of label, but I don't know how many times I have to be out in public with a girlfriend to stop that from being said.
- Jeff Garcia

There is no room in baseball for discrimination. It is our national pastime and a game for all.
- Lou Gehrig

Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.

- Frank Gifford

A good hockey player plays where the puck is. A great hockey player plays where the puck is going to be.

-Wayne Gretzky

There are some similarities between boxing and skating. Both require power and grace.

- Tonya Harding

After 12 years, the old butterflies came back. Well, I guess at my age you call them moths.

- Franco Harris

Otto Graham once said that I had 9.1 speed and 12-flat hands

-Bob Hayes

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
- Ben Hogan

It's hard being black. You ever been black? I was black once-when I was poor.

- Larry Holmes

Never get married in the morning - you never know who you might meet that night.

-Paul Hornung

All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity.

- Gordie Howe

I had some friends here from North Carolina who'd never seen a homer, so I gave them a couple

-Catfish Hunter

My favorite NASCAR driver is always either the bad guy or the underdog.

- Bo Jackson

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.
- Michael Jordan

I'm like an expensive menu... you can look but you can't afford!

- Anna Kournikova

 I said I believed in drug testing a long time ago. All through the sixties I tested everything.
- Bill Lee

Every time I look at my pocketbook, I see Jackie Robinson.

- Willie Mays

I don't know whether I prefer Astroturf to grass. I never smoked Astroturf.

- Joe Namath

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ile Natase