Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I'm Putting A Price On Someone's Head

Sagamore gas station got robbed AGAIN tonight....twice in two weeks.. this time two kids, one with a tire iron, the other with the jack.

 "Crackheads," said the attendant. "I actually chased these ones, but I'm pretty old, and smoke a pack a day. These kids were amateurs."

The kids took off in a beaten-up goldish compact wagon with the license plate bent up to obscure the ID number. They'll split  probably a good 15-45 minutes of crack smoking between them with their ill-gotten gains.

"Sh*t, I'll give them a station of their own to run if they need crack that badly,"  said the Boss.  " What a couple of cowardly douchebags."

"The last thief was more calm, and the robbery was actually relatively pleasant," said the attendant.  "This time, I thought I was getting a tire iron to the head until they left."

High Above Courtside is offering $500 to whoever coughs up these two clowns. No questions asked,  no bothersome IRS shenanigans.  Once the attendant has ID'd them, the money's yours... and we'll handle the rest. The bounty goes up to $750 if you bring them directly to us. I can be reached at this email address.

Just in case any would-be thieves are reading this.... the two robberies of this station have coughed up very little money, as the station has a frequent drop policy and the attendants never have more than $30-40 on them. They can't open the safe. The store has no tobacco or Lottery products. As you might imagine, the police have become interested in this station after two robberies in two weeks.... and someone I know may or may not have given the attendant some weaponry.

They need it, because about 10 minutes passed between when the 9-1-1 call was placed and the first cop showed up.

"I dialed 9-1-1, then chased the kids," said the attendant. "Then I went back in and talked to the dispatcher. Then I went out to the street to flag down the cops when they arrived. When they didn't arrive, I went back in and called my boss. Then I went back out to wait for the cops. Then I called Bourne Police directly, and FINALLY a cop showed up. Once they were there, the cops were cool... but that dispatcher should have risen no higher than Pizza Delivery with her skill set."


Thursday, January 18, 2007

I would believe only in a God that knows how to dance. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

East of Boston - Wareham's Own Celtic Dancer

Boston Celtic dancer and Wareham native Cherie Blier was nice enough to do an interview with Cape Cod's nastiest sports page yesterday. It might be "Bleier," but sometimes we don't do that fact-check thing really well here at the sports section. We did nail down the "Cherie" part, though.... but we have a pretty French background here at EOB.


She was driving from Boston to Rhode Izzy when my people talked to her people, so no wine was poured.  There won't be some story like "We closed a bunch of bars, fought a couple of waitresses, drove home on back roads at 110 mph, ended up smoking crack in bed with some Foxy Lady waitress and a Cuban guy named 'Renaldo,' etc..."

No, Cherie actually seems like a pretty nice girl. Besides, her dad's a cop, and- while I don't personally have anything against cops- I'm generally happier when they're not around... especially when they're asking me stuff like "Why can't my daughter stop laughing?" or "Who talked her into a  Bourne To Kill tattoo?"

No... life's too good for that sort of thing, and I'm not even a #1 stunner like Cherie Blier. She has a perky alto voice that belies a seriously impressive resume. She's a college student, owns and operates a cheesecake company, she dances 41 times a year in front of 15,000 people, and most likely spends the other 324 days going "That's very nice, but I have a boyfriend already."

Rather than reading my ramblings, just check out the detailed Q&A. I'm sort of working from some hastily scribbled notes when I put her answers in, so don't anybody get really mad at Cherie if she says something that sounds Monponsettish.


CCToday:  How did you get to become a Celtic dancer?

Cherie: I've been dancing since I was three. My grandmother owns  Baker School Of Dance, and I have training in styles such as Classical, Ballet, Tap, Jazz,etc... The Celtics announced tryouts for their dance squad, and I was lucky enough to be selected from hundreds of girls.

- What's the biggest difference between the cheers one sees at a high school game and the Celtics dancer routine?
We're not cheerleaders. The differences are technical. We don't do lifts, flips, pyramids, or even actual cheers. I've never actually been a cheerleader, even at Wareham High.
- No pyramids? That kills like 4 of my prepared questions... "Can you dunk off the pyramid, is the really tall girl there to catch the girls who do flips, etc..."
Oh well... smiles
- Do you hate it when someone calls you a cheerleader?
Hate, no... but I'd point out that we're dancers, all of whom have a lifetime of experience in various forms and styles of dance. Our routines are also entirely different from the routines cheerleaders do.
- How so?
Cheerleaders try to draw cheers from a crowd, and are positioned on the sidelines. They do simpler routines, with very little in the way of synchronized group movement. They are also constantly doing something during the games- often to the distraction of fans who came to watch the game.
The Celtic dancers perform once between quarters, and during the official timeouts. Other than that, we're off the court entirely.
- You aren't kneeling by the side of the court during play?
We stay in our dressing room when we're not dancing, and we just mass in the runway before the quarter ends.We used to be courtside, but someone complained.
- Wow... what a loser. Was it because he/she hated the concept of Celtic dancers?
No... we were just in the way of the fans and players. I can understand. No one was upset about it.
- What do you think about people who felt that a dance squad was an unwelcome presence at Celtics games?
- No one ever says anything like that to us, personally. We'd read stuff about it in the papers, but there's always going to be someone who doesn't like something. All of us seem to agree that after 20 games or so, everyone (fans/media/players/refs/security) was pretty much used to us.
We're right out there in front of them, and he have a certain degree of intimacy with those who watch us perform. Even those who thought we were like strippers coming in have seen that we're just a dance squad. I've never personally been heckled, and the crowd itself seems to police those who yell something at us.
Kids love us, too.
-  Do the rich guys in the front row hit on you?
It hasn't happened to me, but it has happened. They have to sort of work at it, though... we usually run out, do our routine, and head back to the dressing room.
- "All that dancing must make you tired... care to ride home in my Porsche?"
They're not that creative.
- Ben Affleck behaves?
I haven't seen him. I'm usually more into my routine than any crowd-watching.
 - Who's the tallest guy who stomped on you accidentally?
We were only courtside briefly, and nothing like that happened. They all look pretty tall to me... I'm 5'4".
 - Do you have to follow some sort of hardbody diet, or do you get to chow a steak now and then?
Some girls do, but I've always been able to eat whatever I want and not gain weight. I have a huge appetite. The dancing is pretty intense, and I'm starving when I'm done.
It's actually quite different than people think it is. They were quite specific about the fact that they didn't want certain body types, and the bone thin look was one of them. It's in our contract.
- How do the Californian girls on the squad like this 8 degree weather we're enjoying?
They're, umm, warming to it. They all bought winter clothes back when everyone local was talking about how warm the winter was. It snowed through one of our practices once, and some of the girls were like kids.
- They hadn't seen snow before?
Most of us are locals. Some of the Californians had only seen it on TV, though. They ran out into the snow after practice like kids, and had a snow fight.
- One more thing in this world that just had to happen when I'm not there with a camera.
They also have to learn how to drive in the snow. Be careful in Boston this winter.
- Without asking you to cough up a W-2 or anything... can you make a living as a Celtic dancer, or do you need a side job/rich parents?
Every girl I see there is doing it because she loves to dance and perform. I suppose it could lead to other things, and this job would look good on a resume. A day job comes in handy, though.
I'm in college. This is actually my first real job.
- Did you know that Paula Abdul first rose to prominence as a Laker dancer?
No, I didn't. I can see where it would further her career as a singer/ or a dancer. She sure made it big, though.
- What advice would you give a kid who wanted to grow up to be a Celtic dancer?
Take dance classes, preferably in multiple styles and forms. Work for as many choreographers as possible. Get used to performing in front of a crowd.
- How does the floor at the Boston Garden compare to a dance floor?
It's parquet, so it's very nice in that regard. There's also a lot more going on around you.
- Which Celtic player has the best car?
We don't really interact with them. It's in our contract. I've seen some nice ones pulling out, though.
- No dating the players? There go like 5 more questions. I was looking forward to "Would you date a 7 footer?"
Probably not. I don't want to break my neck to look at a guy. My boyfriend is my size, roughly.
- Which cheerleader won the fistfight over who gets to date that guy who runs around dressed like a leprechaun?
Oh, Lucky? He's great. He's not that "lucky" with the dancers, though.
- They should dress Lucky up so he looks like the dude from that Leprechaun Goes To The Hood movie.
Which Celtic dresses the best?
Paul Pierce was wearing a gorgeous chocolate brown velvet blazer the other night. It may have cost my entire season's Celtic dancer salary. I think they look very nice when they dress up.
We get to see a lot of the player fashion, because they've all been injured so much.
- Has Doc Rivers ever turned to you and been like "If I put you out there, could YOU box out Emeka Okafor??"
No, but he should. Courtney is 6'1".
 - Could you jump up and kick, say, Danny Ainge in the teeth?
How tall is he?
- Danny Ainge is 6'5"
Most likely. I suppose I'd need a good reason to do that. I'm a nice girl, generally.
What's the worst injury you ever saw a cheerleader suffer? I saw a cheerleader get hit in the face with a puck once.
Ow! If you include my time in dancing, I've seen hip flexor injuries, sprains, knee ligament damage... it's a very physical job.
Do you like basketball?
I'd never been to a game before I took this job. I've begun to follow them since, and I find myself more and more into them each day. They've had a tough season, with a lot of injuries. I'm quite a fan of theirs, now.
- If a fight started on court during a Celtics/Knicks game, would you feel any Celtic-based loyalty to run over and deck a Knicks cheerleader?
It most likely wouldn't happen, as the dance teams don't travel with the basketball team. If it came down to it, though....
Yeah... (does best Bill Murray).. you're a Harbour Chick....
If I put $20 on it, could you hit a free throw?
I used to play in my driveway when I was a kid. I could probably do it if I practiced a bit.
- You went to Wareham High School, no?
Class of 2005!
Did you play basketball at WHS?
No. I didn't even cheer. I was teaching dance at my grandmother's studio all through high school.
- Were you like some fat kid who got out of high school and went all Swan?
I was pretty normal in high school. I was friends with everyone.
- What is your favorite part of Wareham?
I love Stony Point Dike..... You couldn't get me off the water as a kid.
- I'm told that you love to fish.
 I used to go fishing every day with my mother...fluke, striper, bluefish, flounder.... we had a commercial license, and we'd sell whatever we caught at the fish market.
Mom loves to fish. Dad would go sometimes, but Mom was the one in charge.
- What's your favorite seafood?
Lobster, scallops, stuffed shrimp... I love the baked stuffed shrimp at Lindsay's.
- Do you consider Wareham to be the last town on the mainland or the first town on the Cape?
It's the Gateway!
- Do you support the establishment of an industrial wind farm on Nantucket Sound?
That's a tough question. You're balancing the needs of property owners and environmentalists with the need for clean power generation. It's not for me to say.
- Are you related to Rocky Bleier?
Who's he?
- Played for the Pittsburgh Steelers... had a leg shot up in Vietnam.. came back to play again.... big TV movie, I think.
Sounds like quite a man. I'll have to look into it.
Is it as much fun being a cheerlea.. umm, dancer if there aren't a bunch of Band Geeks to make fun of?
I'm pretty friendly... I had plenty of band friends in high school.
- Have you ever been like walking down the street, made eye contact with some guy,and he then walks into a tree while gawking at you?
Not a tree. I had a guy walk into a street sign, once. It's funny, because Iwanted him to stop staring at me, and he walked into a STOP sign.
- The good Lord works in many a strange and wondrous way.... so, do guys hit on on you all the time?
Guys treat me fairly well. My father is a police sergeant, and I have several big brothers.
- Did guys show up to date you in high school, and there's this huge buzz-cut police sergeant sitting in the living room,cleaning his service revolver? "I'd be very disappointed if my daughter came home even a little bit past her curfew, Son.... click-click!"
Yeah, it was pretty much like that... then the brothers all make an appearance, as well. Was your father a policeman?
- Mafia. Same thing, effectively.
Oh... k...ummmm.... well, boys always were  extrordinarily polite when we were dating in high school.
What's next for Wareham's favorite (Geena me no Davises- this girl has caught a 50" striper) daughter?
I'm studying to be a baking and pastry arts dessert chef at Johnson and Wales. I'm also studying Culinary Nutrition.
- What's your favorite thing to cook?
Harvest apple cheesecake, graham cracker/walnut crust, apple streudel filling.. My mother and I actually run Mom and Me Cheesecake Company.
- Cherie... you're a proessional dancer and look like're also a Cape girl... expert fisher... pastry chef... you have what must be top-notch sports're intelligent, friendly, and polite....very nice ,an absolutely charming young lady.....has someone asked you to marry them yet?
They will.... trust me.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Fee Fi Fo Fum

Fee Fi Fo Fum... I smell the blood of a Californian.

It''s tough to hate San Diego. They aren't a Hollwood Lakers crowd. They aren't some goofy Oakland fan dressing up like Darth Vader. A lot of the crowd are members of our military. San Diego is a nice place, with nice people, way down south on the coast... sort of the Georgia of  California.

Navy people from places without NFL teams often adopt San Diego as "their" team, much in the way that Catholics from colleges that suck at football tend to adopt Notre Dame. Even with New England's seafaring past, I'm sure the Navy vote would be for the Chargers.

Mexicans love the Chargers, and the team has one of the larger Hispanic fan bases in the L. Much like my French dad would sort of instinctively root for Notre Dame because the school is named in his native tongue, Cali's large Hispanic population loves the San Diego team closest to their home country.

Even though I'm French, I never gave a damn about Our Lady, myself. I'm very parochial when it comes to sports teams. I root for Boston in every sport, unless they are playing Buzzards Bay. I'm reminded of that guy in the Civil War... "I fight for America... until America divides, at which point I fight for Kentucky... until Kentucky divides, at which point I fight for my town... until my town divides, at which point I'll just defend my house." 

You could probably see me veering off the beaten path into Sports Parochialism when I was 7 years old, listening to Johnny Most with my father. I do like New Orleans, but that has nothing to do with my French roots...I have a girlkfriend who lives there, and I like their uniforms. But I digress...

Now, San Diego is 14-2, they have the best player in the game, and they are hosting today's entertainment. They have a brutal defense. We have to play them in front of 70,000 howling Mexicans and US Navy personnel. Only a fool would bet against them.

Tongue out

Here's why New England will win:

- The Dirty Rotten Rhymer

Marty Schottenheimer is 5-13 in playoff games. Some day, he'll need a job the same year fellow choker Peyton Manning needs a coach. This will be the equivalent of saying, "We need some liquid to put out this fire... hand me that gasoline."

Marty going up against Belly Check is like watching a mongoloid take his scissors to the fuse box... something is going to happen, and- while it won't likely be good- it will be trrrrrremendously entertaining.

- Steroids

The Chargers love them some steroids. Shawne Merriman was busted for them this year,and Steve Foley- while never testing positive much- got mad enough at a cop that he had to be shot more than once. God only knows who else is McGwiring in that locker room.

Now... San Diego can't be losing Merriman for the Super Bowl, and the NFL can test whenever they feel like it. Shawne has most likely been clean for some time now... maybe weeks, even.

Steroids are like turning into The Hulk when you get angry. You will briefly become a Juggernaut... but smashing all those tanks is cathartic, and the Hulk eventually mellows out and becomes Dr. Banner again.

Merriman has been pounding on NFL QBs all year, but is this the week that Dr. David Banner wakes up in the zoo in stretched/torn clothing? I'll sure enjoy it if it is!

- LT II = Faulk II

We don't know that yet. He just reminds me of Marshall Faulk.... a superb back who is going to become much less effective once he starts taking some serious shots. Faulk fell to pieces once Tebucky and Lawyer started teeing off on him in our first Super Bowl,and look for LT to wilt like a cut flower once someone like Vrabel cheap-shots him in the back after a play.

- The kid QB is gonna wet the bed in front of half the world.

Belly Check has a trophy room featuring the heads of Manning, McNabb, Big Ben, McNair, Delhomme, Warner,etc... has Rivers shown you something to make you think he's anything more than just the next clown out of the car? Me either.

- God likes us better.

God also hates Schottenheimer. See "Denver vs. Cleveland, 1987" for proof. Expect snow in San Diego today.

New England,21-20

Monday, January 8, 2007

Even The Gap Band Has A Song About How I'm "Outstanding"

Totally representin' Cape Cod at Gillette as the Patriots prison-raped their New York visitors yesterday.



A little coffee, some chips, some fried turkey sandwiches, a bit of brandy to fortify ourselves against the brutal 50 degree temperatures... and off we go...


In this light, Gillette Stadium looks a lot like the Alfred R. Murrah building in Oklahoma City after McVeigh redesigned it. This may have been 12:30 PM, and I must have passed about 1000 people who had obviously been drinking since 7 in the morning.


Our cheerleaders wear pants, which is sort of disappointing. I prefer either a cute 1980s sweater/plaid skirt look, or that S+M cheerleader look that you see in leading men's magazines these days. The  middle ground is often where the sinkhole lays.


One of the good things about being the son of a wealthy man is that you can afford to get professional women to attend the Pat's game with you when Dad slides you the playoff tickets because he has to go to Oman orsomething. He could have taken his friend Eric, but Eric can't pick an apple up with her ass like his current date can.

At one point, we got to talking... and I said, "Wow, your son seems to be having a lot of fun."

"That's not my son... that's my date. I don't even like football."

I stood before her with my mouth open, as if I had just watched someone smash their fist through a Rembrandt.

"A guy came into Zachary's (a local bitty tar) and gave me $5000.... told me to wait on the corner of 130 and 6A in a Tom Brady shirt at 10 AM today. A limo picked me up, and here we are."

"The game is actually sort of fun once you get into it."

I finally snapped out of it. I am a sports reporter, and the readers of 's sports section would no doubt want the whole story.

I asked to interview Hoss (the stripper- Nicole- had told me that the first thing the kid said when she got into the limo was "You shall refer to me as "Hoss."). Nicole and I switched seats, and I tugged on the sleeve of the kid's Ted Bruschi jersey.

"Excuse me, ummm, Hoss... I'm with How did you get to be so f*cking cool?"

"I'm kind of busy, lady..." he said, while looking me up and down, "unless you'd really like to go to the Boston Bruins game on January 17th. Now, go get me some nachos."

I needed a beer by that point anyhow, so I gave Nicole back her seat and went to the concession stand. I'm pretty sure it's no crime to have a 12 year old date, and I could use a new Patrick Leahy away jersey.



This guy was nice enough, bought his row a round, cheered good plays made by the Pats, wished us luck in the next round, posed for a picture, joined the fans as they standing O'd the Pats while they exited the field... he was a perfectly gracious visiting fan.

However... he made the mistake of wearing the wrong colors to the wrong party... and when we were leaving... mere yards from the sanctuary of his RV... he crossed the path of someone who was somehow still upset after a home team playoff victory... and he got a whiskey bottle off the head.

Old wounds heal slowly,and the words "Bucky Dent" can still make a healthy man wince in these parts. I'd expect the same thing if I wore a Big Papi shirt while strolling through Hell's Kitchen during a playoff battle.

Fashion is a fickle beast, and it is impossible to keep on top of it. Still, there are some rules that will always be true. Never wear white after Labor Day, never wear red to a funeral... and don't rock the Jets jersey in Foxboro.

While the lesson the man learned was a valuable one, it was a shame that a good whiskey bottle was shattered in the deliverance.... but it was heaviest thing I could reach as he passed.


Back to Cape Cod, where things make more sense.

Friday, January 5, 2007

Too Much, Too Many People, Too Much


The Jets went from 4-12 last year to sneaking into the playoffs when the Broncos lost. They are coached by former Belly Check spear-carrier Eric Mangini, who isn't known as "Mangina" but should be. They went 1-1 vs. the Pats, taking an ugly 17-14 upset at Foxboro.

   The Patriots are a veteran team with a wall full of trophies. The Jets are just happy to be here. By any logic, we should stomp them like they have WELCOME written across their chests. Most likely, we will. It's what I'm rooting for, and I like getting what I want.

   When the ship hits the fan and the slave states secede, New York and New England will grab muskets and fight until they run down Bobbie Lee or chase out the British. Only the most depraved managed to utter "Yankees Suck" after 9-11, although I must add that it was almost playoff season. We were all New Yorkers that day.

   But for the other (365x)-1 days of my life (with x=my age) beyond 9-11, I really have no use for the city of New York. It's a teeming mass of too many people in too little territory. Even the wealthy parts are dangerous.

   While Cape Cod has a sort of symbiotic relationship with NY tourists, any debt is more than covered by the assault Wall Street and Madison Avenue makes on us. Every anorexic cheerleader, every suburban kid dressed like 50 Cent, every soccer mom with a 19 foot SUV... all were somehow brought ahbout at some board meeting in that Rotten Apple.

   I pretty much exhausted any NYC sympathy I had from 9-11 during the 2003 ALCS between the Sox and the Yankers, the one where Boone hit a homer that ripped out our hearts for yet one more year. After that, we were enemies again. I was giving out purposefully wrong directions to NY tourists as early as Halloween, 2003.

   I was just a kid when the Buckner thing happened, but still that stood a pretty good chance of screwing me up for life until we froze Hell by winning the 2004 World Series... whipping the despicable Yanks in the process. I know several people who went from cradle to grave without seeing the Sox win the Series, my parents among them. I won't be one of those people.

  New York Chitty is bigger, more cosmopolitan, more powerfiul, more stylish and will always be what New England will never be. We're the kid brother, and our elder sibling is a big, mean SOB. We can make up for all that this Sunday, by taking their football team out onto our field and slapping them around like they were a cheating wife who came home with her blouse on inside-out.

   Anything can happen, but I'm thinking New England...30-13.


Kansas City as Indianapolis

   Indy can't stop the run, and KC has a guy named LJ who gets the ball 30 times a game to just hammers the defense. Ty Law has owned Peyton Manning like a prison bitch for the whole of this millenium. Indy is slumping, and their playoff failure is actually regarded as a harbinger of winter in some cultures.

   It won't happen this week. Indy will stomp the Chiefs like one of those doggie bags that you light on fire and ring the doorbell over at the house of the guy who gives out toothbrushes on Halloween. Kansas City deserves to lose Big, if only for not actually being in Kansas.

Indy, 41-17


Dallas at Seattle

   Dallas looked like contenders until they bit the shed like a teenager's car in late December. Parcells still misses Belly Check, and Tony Romo has recently looked like a guy who was mentored by Nancy Drew Bledsoe.

   Seattle seemed to use up all their luck up last year, and they don't look like any sort of threat to a serious team heading into Playoffs 2007. Them being in the Super Bowl last year speaks of how farthe mighty have fallen in the once-proud NFC.

   I'll pick Dallas, if only because they'll make a more interesting opponent in the later rounds.

Cowboys, 16-14


New York at Philadelphia

   Both of these teams blow, but someone has towin. Why not the Manning kid? I'd like to see him win a Super Bowl before Peyton.

NYG, 17-14

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Nutcrackers and Lighthouses

The Bible isn't specific about Thou Shalt Have A Boston Bruins Christmas Tree Ornament, but St. Paul never traded hands with Jay Miller, either.


My sister has a thing about nutcrackers, which generally should bode poorly for her husband. While my Tchaikovsky is a bit rusty, I believe this is about the size of the of the army that drove King Rat away during the slobberknocker in the actual Nutcracker ballet.


Notice that I'm not making fun of my sister, who doesn't have a nutcracker like this one:

When he's not cracking nuts or fighting rats, this nutcracker likes to go down to the ol' fishing hole and hook a bluegill or a tommycodder. NC used to have a mustache, but I have children, you see...

He always checks in with the Sea Dog behind him before going fishing.


Myself... I like lighthouses.


Just a little bit...

John Rockerfeller was once asked if he'd ever have "enough" money. His reply? "I always find that I need just a little more." I'm like that with lighthouses.

We're just scratching the surface, here... I have about 3 dozen lighthouses around the house.


Several people think I've gone overboard on lighthouses. None of them rule my house, though.

Yessssssssss, that's a toilet seat.