Sunday, December 31, 2006

My last picks of 2006

My big present this year was a vacation, so don't think I fell off a bike or something. All is well here at the office.

Betting the last week of the season is tough. You have teams that are fighting for the playoffs, and you have teams that are eliminated already. You have teams that are already assured of their playoff spot, and they bench anyone with talent so that they don't lose Tom Brady in some meaningless game.

All of them can screw up your betting card. A Detroit can beat an Indianapolis today, and it will matter very little to the bookie's collection specialist if Indianapolis benched all their good guys.

A lot of gamblers dodge Week 17, but we here at East Of Boston play hardball... and we know that Chaos creates Opportunity. You have to go with your gut, and damn the torpedoes.


Steelers vs Bengals (-6)

This looks like the final game for Bill Cowher and that superb chin of his. Cincy should stomp them, but Bill deserves to go out better than that.

Steelers, 21-20


Rams (-2) vs Vikings

Minnesota cut their best wide receiver on Christmas Eve, so they deserve the beating I hope to see them get.

Rams, 28-7


Lions vs Cowboys (-13)

This looks like Matt Millen's last day as GM of the Lions, but so have the last several years of Detroit's week 17 games. "Fire" isn't a harsh enough verb for what should happen to Millen.

Dallas, 28-0


Carolina vs New Orleans (-3)

New Orleans should rest everyone, and Carolina should send all their players into the stands to apologize for how poorly they played this season... even if the game is in New Orleans.

New Orleans, 10-9


Jaguars vs Chiefs (-2)

We bade them our mitch last week, and the pattern should continue against KC at home.

K.C.  20-19


Bills vs Ravens (-9)

I like their D, but Baltimore isn't going anywhere in the playoffs this year. They can cover this spread, though.

Baltimore, 17-6


Texans vs Browns (+4)

I wouldn't bet on this game with a bad check, and neither would Daglivak... who is a bad Czech. If a set of circumstances exist that somehow allows BOTH teams to lose a game... this is where they could occur.

 Texicans, 10-7


Titans (-3) vs New England

The Mafia seems to assume that we will rest our starters and play our bench, and Belichick looks too smart to cross the Mafia.

Tennessee, 21-20


Tampa (-3) vs Seattle

Old friend Deion Branch dropped 4 passes last week, and even the punter refers to him as a "p***sy."

Seattle, 12-10


Raiders vs Jets (-12)

I see an upset here, although I can't think of a coherent reason as to why I see an upset... Oakland stinks like the bathroom the morning after a family with like 4 huge sons and a huger father go drop a paycheck at the Mexican place.

Oak, 7-6


Falcons vs Eagles (-8)

This would be a pretty good bird fight if it happened IRL. Maybe they could starve 'em both, then lock them in a cage or a mountain gorge somehow. I'd bet the Falcon, but I'm not really expert in that area. Philly's going nowhere in the playoffs but First Round Exit Blvd.

 Falcons, 24-23


Dolphins vs Colts (-9)

The Colts are favored to win it all every year, and they choke every year. The bettor in me is waiting for the time when they aren't favored to win it all, at which point they will engage in a rarely seen Disappointment Victory. Offhand, I'm thinking 2009 as the time when these particular stars align in this manner.

Indy, 28-7


Cardinals vs Chargers (-13.5)

Unless they rest everyone for the playoffs, Sandy should beat the Cards like an overseer.

Sandy, 31-14


49ers vs Broncos (-10)

If you detonated a nuclear bomb in Colorado after all those blizzards, the suddenly melted snow would roll down the mountains to form a rarely-seen Inland Tsunami that would wash Nebraska dirt all over Ohio. Well, probably not... but it would be cool.

Denver, 17-14


Packers vs Bears (-3)

Brett's last game (if he has an ounce of class) looks to be a chilly beatdown at the hands of a brutal Chicago defense. Just like the Inland Tsunami mentioned above, it'd be cool if Brett went 37-45 with 5 touchdowns to win a 3 OT thriller in his final game. Also just like the Inland Tsunami mentioned above, it most likely isn't going to happen. Ah, what the Hell...

Packers, 44-43

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Rejected Children's Book Titles

- How To Bully The Fat Kid

- Spy On Your Town's Muslims

- Why Britney Spears Is Rich And The World's Best Cellist Is Unknown

- Let's Eat Some Coins!

- Stealing Grandma's Pain Medication

- Harry Potter Gets Jumped In The Shower By The Drama Club Men

- Make Your Own Mescaline!

- Sis Went Crazy At College And Married A Black Guy

- Touch Me THERE!

- My First Meth Lab

- How To Dress So As To Draw Attention From Grown Men

- Your Friendly Old Neighbor, Mr. McFist

- Some Dogs Like Ecstacy

- Shoplifting For Kids

- Ann O'Rexic Is Already Too Fat

- How To Really Injure Someone In A Playground Fight

- Let's Make Anthrax!

- Phil Atio Pays Off His Gambling Debts

- That Foreign Student's Dad Took Your Dad's Job

- Father Ben Jahova and Timmy The Altar Boy

- Rodrigo Doesn't Seem To Have A Job, But He Has A New BMW And Is Out Half The Night

- Fat Albert And The Cosby Kids Expand Their Territory

- Make Way For Fresh Peking Duck At Fat Ho's In Chinatown

- Jimmy Wood Gets His First Stiffy
- Curious George Scratches Bad Kids And Gives Them Ebola
- God Doesn't Love You, So He Gave Your Mommy Cancer
-  Winnie the Pooh Finally Has Had Enough Of Christopher Robin
- Enforcing The New World Order Starts On The Playground

- Aquaman Teaches You How To Spot Gay Classmates

- Why You Shouldn't Touch Sara There

- What's In This Bottle? Making Your Own WMD Out Of Stuff In Your Own Home

- Old Men Will Pay Me To Flash Them?

- Trench Coat... Check. Death List... Check... Guns: A Disaffected Teen Guide To Acquiring Weaponry

- Charlie Brown's Angry New Friend, Yusaf

- Wally Gator Gets Really Hungry And Crawls Out Onto The Playground
- Goddamnit, I Think My Pokemon Is Gay
- Andy Capp Can't Remember What He Did Last Night,And His Wife Is Gone

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Cape Dice

I couldn't think of a better title.  Sadly, the chances of us seeing Daisuke Matsuzaka in the Cape League are pretty much Slim and None... and ol' Slim just left town, pal. 


The Sox basically dropped the 2003 defense budget for the nation of Latvia (I actually looked this up) for the rights to negotiate and sign this Japanese fireballer. They're not gonna let him wreck his elbow throwing off a dune in a cowtown park. I can't even see him pitching in Pawtucket. He's Show-Ready.

It's his loss, though. The Japanese tourists I see on Cape Cod usually seem to be enjoying themselves. There's plenty of cool things to take pictures of. He'd appraciate the time at the beach, and fried clams would most likely surge to the top 10 of his favorite American foods. He might even get laid. That's worth 3 innings a week.

It's also a shame that we fans of the Cape League don't get to see Daisuke Matsuzaka pitch, especially in the intimate setting our parks provide. You'd be able to tell if he does one of those Bruce Lee screams as he throws a heater. You could learn how to say "hello" in Japanese (pronounced "こんにちは," incidentally), teach your kids to yell it at him... and he'd most likely hear it and wave to them.

Maybe he'd even buy them a hot dog. He can afford it. Maybe we could, too. He'd most likely- by his mere presence in the Cape League, let alone by attention drawn to his North American professional debut- bring throngs of tourist dollars to the Cape. Somebody'd better figure out Clam Sushi.

Some other things I'd like to have seen from 50 yards away without dropping $1000 and sitting with 40,000 screaming Boston drunkards:

- If a batter takes exception to Daisuke Matsuzaka (who we will call either "Dice" or "DAM," because I have no intention of writing Daisuke Matsuzaka for the rest of this article... let alone the 6 year length of his contract) throwing at him and chargesthe mound... will Dice fight in typical baseball fistfight style, or will he utilize martial arts?

- Dice and a catcher mixing up the signals,the catcher trotting out for a conference... and a translator running out from the dugout.

- If Dice started here, he'd become one of "ours," and we'd have added incentive to root for him. I'm talking about the same vibe one may associate with a popular neighborhood pol gone national. 

- The Gyroball.

This is the best part about Dice. He's supposedly one of the very few pitchers capable of throwing the Gyroball, which is a new sort of pitch. Reputedly developed by Japanese scientists, it is described as a wicked breaking slider with a bullet-like tumble to it.

There's even some mystery to it. Many people doubt the existence of the pitch. The Japanese have a strange sense of humor. It may amuse Dice to have his opponents studying hours of tape, hoping to pick up insight on how to deal with a pitch that he doesn't actually throw.

If the Japanese aren't mistaking a breaking ball and this new pitch exists, I'm happy that the Sox foes are the ones who'd have to deal with it. From what I've seen, it somehow seems to start breaking outside before curving back in.

See for yourself. Here is purported video of the Gyroball... and yes, I do feel like I'm trying to run Loch Ness Monster footage past you:

YouTube - Daisuke Matsuzaka Gyroball

Now... that's a pretty sweet pitch. Still, if I got a good turn on it, I could bash that s*** into Wellfleet. Dice may be hot stuff back in Seibu or wherever, but  he's off the porch with the big dogs now.

Just kidding. I'd most likely drop the bat, squeal, and cover my face with both arms if a pitch broke like that on me, but I'm French.

Monday, December 18, 2006

I Stay Coming Up With That Jumanji

"I kicks the flavor, like Stephen King writes horror... if I was a Jew, I would light a menorah."

Happy Hannakkuh, or whatever you call it, to all my kosher friends.

The Juwes are not the ones who will be blamed for nothing... but it's a pretty good bet that Jews won't be blamed for Saturday night's entertainment at Madison Square Garden. I only saw one white guy in there, and he looked Irish.

For those of you who missed it... the sports world is all worked up over a 10 man NBA brawl last Saturday. The Knicks and the Nuggets exchanged pleasantries a week before Christmas, a sort of Season's Beatings that was pretty much the polar opposite of what Jesus had in mind while he was turning water to wine and so forth.

I wasn't that impressed, personally. I missed the game, but my husband called me in when Sportscenter started... "Stacey....hurry in here, hunny... it's a regular Katie-bar-the-door."

Hardly. If you don't like watching violence, what happened was.... Denver ran up the score, JR Smith was going in for his second fat dunk of the minute (he had previously thrown down a filthy helicopter slam from the foul line), Mardy Collins sort of bulldog-tackled him, and there was a dogpile that spilled into the crowd briefly.

Carmello Anthony landed the only good shot, a sucker punch on Collins that didn't look like it hurt that much... until you remember that Carmello is a ripped 6'9" guy. Collins dropped like a ho.

Carmello then danced backwards out of the mix... in a move that many mistook for cowardice, but one which I immmediately recognized as what hockey enforcers do when there's a bench clearer...he was getting himself some room to operate.

This gives him the added advantages of:

A) No one can sneak up on him, although Nate Robinson almost did.

B) He gets to square up and pop whoever breaks out of the piletowards him, and may quite possibly get a running start at it.

C) Sets him up to land a Tomjanovich punch. We'll look at Rudy T's beatdown in a future entry.

You can link to the video of the fight in the link down below... from a fellow sports blogger who isn't affording Carmello the same benefit of the doubt that I am:

Carmelo Anthony Drops Mardy Collins, Runs Like a Girl | NBA Blog - The FanHouse

 People are calling for 50 game suspensions, although it was more pushing than punching. There were probably 10 better fistfights in the NHL that night, and these were free-wheeling brawls where 2 guys were allowed to slug it out and the crowd is safely behind thick plexiglass. Honor demands that no one jump in

 In fact... thanks to hockey, I've seen worse stuff than that. The Artest brawl wasn't as scary as Milbury beating a guy in NYC with his own shoe. The best shot landed in the NY/Denver brouhaha would have been the weakest shot in any of a hundred Jay Miller brawls back in the day.

This was no slobberknocker. I'd fine Carmello the most, for his sucker punch.

"...and of course I hit you, let the Lord be wit' you..."


But wait... there's more!

Top News- Let It Be Whale Vomit, Not Just Sea Junk - AOL News

Gotta like this. She's the new Duke of Hurl. From what I read, it sells for $10 a gram... about the same as marijuana. It's amazingthat some form of sperm isn't the nastiest thing that comes out of a sperm whale.

"I can bust you out with my Super Sperm...."

Thanks to my man Rob at 8's All Around  for the link.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Get From In Front Of Me


Ahhhhhhhhh... Sunday. A Day of rest, a holy day, the Lord's Sabbath, a day for a big family dinner, maybe a Sunday drive....

 Nah... eff all that. It's time to loadup on booze and food that can beeaten on a couch, and watch 22 300 pound guys beat the snit out of each other. People who were crying for jail time after last night's Knicks/Nuggets brawl will be perfectly happy watching 50 times the violence today.

When the bodies collide, someone wins and loses... unless there's a tie. It's our job here at High ABove Courtside to tell you who will do what. I'm using's odds, unless it's's odds...I sort of came across the information second hand, but it's the one with that Calvin Ayre dude.

Let's get down to it:

Cleveland at Baltimore (-12.5)

Romeo Crennel deserves better than the L he's going to take today. I'll give him Beating The Spread as a nice early Christmas gift.

Baltimore, 21-12

Detroit at Green Bay (-6)

Conversely, Matt Millen deserves what he gets.

Green Bay, 17-7


Jacksonville (-3.5) at Tennessee 

Resurgent Tennessee is on a roll, but Jacksonville is fresh off whipping Indy. I like their Current Holistic Dynamic better.

Jacksonville, 21-17


Miami at Buffalo (-1)

I don't buy that spread, even for a home dog. Miami beat the snit out of us last week, and they'll surely do the same to Buffy. Kudos to the guy at NFL scheduling who looked at a Buffalo/Miami game in December and thought... "Hmmm... upstate New York should host that." What a cruel bastahhhd.

Miami, 24-7


New York at Minnesota (-2.5)  

The page I'm on doesn't specify if it's the Jets or the Giants(there may also be a few Wrongs involving who's hosting the games,but the odds should still work), and I'm afraid to hit because it might make all the writing I did here go away. Stuff like that happens to me a lot, and I like to blame either Cape Wind, Bush, the Jews,or Kobe Bryant when it does. I'll go with "either New York team" to win this one.

NY__ ,  14-13


Pittsburgh (-2.5) at Carolina

Carol beats the Pant(ther)s off of the Ben Stillers.

Carol, 24-10


Tampa Bay at Chicago (-13)

I don't think Chicago is that good,and Tampa isn't that bad... well, maybe they are.

Chicago, 34-10


Washington at New Orleans (-7)

San Diego told Drew Brees, "We'd rather play some semi-rookie than pay you a fortune. See ya!" I'm hoping for a San Diego/New Orleans Super Bowl, if I can't see my beloved pats up in there.

New Orleans, 17-14


Denver at Arizona (-3)

Eff that spread. Denver will beat Arizona like Arizona said something about their mother.

Denver, 31-13


Philthydelphia at NY(-6)

Losing to Philthy at this point most likely will cost a coach his job.

NY, 21-10


St. Louis (-2) at Oakland

Oakland sucks like Heidi Fleiss... well, frequently, and for high dollars. "Sucks well" = "plays poorly."

Slewy, 24-14


KC at San Diego (-9)

Sandy's due to lose one, but I'll only put my (husband's) hard-earned cash on them not covering.

San Diego, 28-21


Cincy at Indy (-3)

This looked like an AFC title game before Cincy started bitting the shed and Indy fell apart in the cold weather yet again. Still looks like the game of the week.

Indy, 37-30


Houston at New England (-12)

We'll play down to the competition, and win a low scoring yawner. I see one and out for the Pats this year in the playoffs with my gut, but I see an era-defining Super Bowl win in my heart.

 New England, 21-17

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Let There Be Light

I swear that these pictures don't do the house justice... this guy went OFF at the Home Depot this year. He was still stringing up lights when we stopped by, at 10 PM on a Friday night.

I'm told that the neighbors call his house "the land of the midnight sun," and I can sort of sympathize with them. I could have read a bank statement outside by the light this man's celebration put off.

The shrink in me is thinking "overcompensation." This guy must have killed  a reindeer or something, and he's trying to make up for it with a $3000/month power bill.

This dude could probably put a windmill on his roof and save like $3 a month, easy.

 Pretty much exactly what Jesus had in mind... "Thou shalt be able to land jets in thy yard."


His neighbors must be extremely elderly, in Florida, or both. These pictures were taken in the Sagamore area, although I told the guy I wouldn't say which street.


I haven't even put up the tree at my house,yet... may not bother, now. This guy's house can be seen from mine, and why waste electricity?


Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Whippin' Post

Before I even get into the main idea here, I want to get a few things on the table:

-The Patriots were the joke of the NFL for most of my life. Their one Super Bowl appearance ever was a 46-10 prison-raping at the hands of the Super Bowl Shuffle. You couldn't even work up a good Yankee-like hate of the Bears, who played an Old School style and were led by Sweetness- who had more class than a high school, and truly deserved a Super Sunday win before he hung 'em up.

That game didn't have the effect on me that the later Buckner/Mets debacle had. I was maybe 9 years old for the 1986 Super Bowl, and it was 3-0, Pats when I was sent to bed.

The next year, the team fell apart. It turns out that half the team was smoking crack, and the Super Bowl itself exposed the flaws of timid QB Tony Eason- who, John Hannah later intimated, should have been playing in a skirt. Noted NFL scribe Hunter S. Thompson called the team a "death ship," about 4 months after we took a young team to the edge of the championship.

 He was right. We sucked, and we continued to suck right up until Mo Lewis nearly killed Bledsoe. We were a .500 team at the time, and they gave the keys to the third string QB... who promptly reeled off 3 straight Super Bowls with the same squad that both Belly Check and NCAA kingpin Pete Carroll had stunk up Foxboro with.

That was pretty much the damndest thing I ever saw. I mean, I've seen things one possibly couldn't predict- like that dude in the parasail landing in the middle of Bowe/Holyfield, Artest trying to fight Detroit (city of), or Mike Milbury beating someone with a shoe- but the first Pats Super Bowl team was simply the Wrong way to field a winning team. The fact that we got a dynasty out of it only makes it more fond of a memory.

- I've been a winner and a loser in this here game of Life myself. Who hasn't goofed something up? Keeping it sports, I've been on state-title winning teams. I'veplayed for teams that were considered dynasties. I've also taken some good beatings. Tennis wasn't my best sport, and I used to dread playing teams like Scituate, Sharon, Concord-Carlisle and other tennis factories, because I:

a) had a pretty realistic view of my skill set


b) knew I was going to be in for a straight-set drubbing.

I also talked one of my bosses into letting me make a school basketball team... despite the fact that the only league we could get into was one featuring 200 kid schools, while we were maxed at 28. We went 0-16 in our first season, and it wasn't unusual for me to have to play in games myself in order for us to have 5 people on the court.

I can recall pulling up in our van to one game, going into the gym- I believe it was the Chelsea Armory- and seeing the other kids dunking through their layup drills... while I have two 5'8" Cambridge kids and a bunch of fat SPEDsters. My team- which quickly developed a love for Gallows Humor- started laughing right there. I got 14 that night, but we lost by about 70.

So I've tasted my fair share of Loss in my time. Who hasn't?

- It's better to be the Jack in a new deck of cards than a King in an old junk-drawer deck that only has 45 or so cards. Likewise, being a career-length loser is a lucrative business. Alex Rodriguez gets a quarter billion over 10 years to spoil the Yankees chemistry, and a quarter billion people must have sat in Fenway watching us Not Win for 86 years in a row.

Even the worst schmuck of a mop-up duty, fetch-the-donuts, third string kind of quarterback in the NFL makes a half million dollars a season. He most likely has starred for 8 years in school ball, attracted national attention to himself, went to college for free, banged cheerleaders, had his smiling face all over TV, met Bob Hope, signed a fat contract and bought his Mom the nicest house in town.

That's a Winner, even if he loses 68-0 in every game. He can walk off the field with booooos raining downon him, hoist both middle fingers to the crowd, and be like "Eff you. I'll buy your business and fire you if it amuses me, peon." Not many of us can say that to win an argument.

- I'm sort of at odds with myself regarding my views on Genetics. I'd hate to punish the Son for the sins of the Father... but I can't see Mr. T having a wimpy child, either. Where I'm torn is in where to draw the line insofar as How Far genetics can reach. Can one mix the right sperm'n'egg to concoct a great soldier, or a timeless poet, or a skilled scientist? Should one?

All of these things run through my head when I settle down to write about Peyton Manning, and his punk brother Eli.

Eli was the dead-on number one pick in the draft. He actually chose the team he would play for, spurning San Diego for New York. He signed for a zillion dollars. He took a weak Giants team into the playoffs. He's the less successful brother.

Peyton Manning has torn the NFL apart for a half decade, easy. He owns or is nearing every passing record possible. If he's not starting the Pro Bowl, it's a joke. He makes enough money that they had to let other guys go. He's an old school QB, and I'm sure he looks more like Unitas back there than I realize, not being 70. He probably has 10 good years left, at 10 million per. He's a once-per-generation talent.

That's why it's so much fun watching him lose. There are indeed times that the Tortoise beats the Hare. It's usually in January.

Peyton can't win the big game. Every year, his Colts sit atop the power rankings. They go into every game as overwhelming favorites. They are always the Super Bowl favorite... right until the playoffs start, and Peyton chokes like a toddler who ate a checker. You can't set a watch to it, but you can set a calendar... it's usually not long after the Solstice.

I do have Wicca friends, and I also have NFL friends.... I just don't have a Wicca friend who shows up Sunday afternoon dressed in a Roosevelt Colvin jersey... witches must be doing Other Stuff on Sunday. Either way, use Christmas as a barometer, and the needle is in Stormy after the holidays.

Eli has the same problem, although he seems to start fudging up in late October. He's the BK drive-thru Miseryburger to Peyton's gourmet meal of Schadenfreude Steak. We already know Eli won't be winning the Super Bowl this year, but Peyton.... smiling.... that's a whole other coconut, kids.

Part of the fun when the Pats went on their run was watching Peyton trot out in a Foxboro snowstorm for like 3 straight years and gag like he just did a fat line. I'm sure he has Willie McGinest nightmares. The year we got eliminated, Pittsburgh did the same damn thing to him.

When I was working for the YMCA after I left teaching, there used to always be a little Patriots rally at whatever school the program was at, right before the Super Bowl. All the kids would come in with their Patriots gear, and I always had extra stuff for the kids who were lacking.

Talking to them, I noticed an unusual amount of confidence. Of course the Patriots were going to win... they always do. There were kids who had never seen anyone but Tom Brady win a Super Bowl. I smiled, knowing that there was some other lady at a YMCA out Indiana-way who probably had to pep up their kids..."Awww,c'mon... they MIGHT win." That woman most likely shields her kids from the Colts, sort of like a less tragic 9-11.

How do you make a Manning, a guy who could screw up and drive the girl away in his own nocturnal emissions? Start with Dad.

Archie Manning was a hometown hero who went to the New Orleans Saints and lost 12 games a year for like 10 years. He is widely considered to be man who has been sacked more than anyone. If he ever went to a Super Bowl, I hope he had a good seat.

His sons seem to be chips off the old Arch, with Peyton taking Unexpected Loss to new heights and Eli about to become the guy with the Kick Me sign when the vicious New York media start looking for someone to blame the Giants' freefall this season on. They gave away the store to get this kid, and his talent dies out  in the cold weather like a lawn. Peyton at least enjoys a nice Xmas before he starts choking.

There's probably some way to start at Eli, go back to Peyton, through both of their careers into their childhoods, to the very day Archie met their mother- who is no doubt a Miss Louisiana runner-up who met Arch when she was waitressing at the local Loser's Club.

If they could study the Mannings and isolate the right mix of Genetics and Parenting- or Nurture and Nature, if you will- they could somehow manufacture Failure. Once that genie is out of the bottle, you merely have to follow him home to Success.

Billions probably died of Smallpox over the years, and it wasn't met and defeated in an open Scientific battle where Pox was wiped out with a haymaker. The reason we don't get Smallpox now is that someone figured out that milk maids didn't get it because they all get Cowpox earlier in life. This hardened their immune systems, and they were able to thus defeat Small by losing to Cow.

Likewise, the key to one day bringing about a Superman is to work backwards from whatever accident made those Manning boys into pretty much the Flying Wallendas of Loss.

Monday, December 4, 2006

All the way home I'll be warm...

First snow of the year...

I try to get a picture of the first snow of the year every year. I got it done last year before Halloween.

We're getting those big fat snowflakes that you get when it is like 33 degrees, but cold enough to snow in the upper levels of the sky. This was one of the few lessons I taught as a Science teacher that I actually witnessed my students learn and later incorporate. It'll take them a while to synchronize their definition of "big fat snowflakes" to the flakes we get at 34 degrees, but that's someone else's problem.

Note the Colonel getting his hand into the snowflake shot. He's a big dumb man, but his benefits include having a camera phone.

If you're just visiting New England and need a laugh... watch all the locals- who have been marvelling over what a nice season we've had so far- fall into all out bitching now that the 30 degree highs are upon us. My guess is that it will take 3 days for most, but three hours for some.

Me? I love snow! Once my sister is up, I plan on taking a fat walk with Sloppy Dog (who also loves snow). While it won't accumulate to the proper level, Gabrielle is just getting to snowman-building age.

Patience is Sloppy Dog's forte....but "outside" is thattaway, sayeth the Slopper.

Sloppy only wishes she was the one who came home with the Merchant Marine Santa Lamp.
Of course  it's the real Santa... see the address on his bag?

Saturday, December 2, 2006

I Stay At Home, Just Like A Hermit...


Arizona at St. Louis

The Arizona Cardinals used to be the St. Louis Cardinals until somebody didn't build somebody else a domed stadium in time, or something. St. Louis then did the honorable thing and stole the Rams from LA, who seemingly can't support a team because either Mexicans don't like the NFL or the traffic is too bad.

In a perfect world, St. Louis would get to be the Cardinals again, and Arizona could be the Scorpions or the Gunfighters or the Canyons or the Stumbling Indian Drunks or the Dehydrated Border Crossers. LA would then be free to take the Rams back, or perhaps go for something like the Bloods or the Crack. 

We don't live in a perfect world. St. Louis will just have to settle for injuring the quarterback.

St. Louis, 24-20


Atlanta at Washington

Washington really pulled it together last week to kick the snit out of the Carolina Pants, so look for them to get stomped by the troubled Falcons... because it's been That Kind Of Year for the fans of the Redskins.

Atlanta, 27-18


Indianapolis at Tennessee

Not that things ever work out like I want them to... but I hate Peyton Manning, and Tenny just reinstated the guy who was suspended for stomping on an opponent's face.

But, no...

Indy, 37-17


Kansas City at Cleveland

Nothing like December in the NFL when your team sucks... especially when you live in Cleveland.

KC, 24-14


Minnesota at Chicago

Chicago looked like world-beaters until your New England Patriots beat them like lazy serfs last week. They should be able to beat Miny... who the Pats also stomped.

Chicago, 17-10


New York Jets at Green Bay

A rare battle of green teams. Green is much in the Love Deficit when modern team colors are discussed. Green Bay is greener, but that should have little or no effect on the outcome of this game.

NYJ, 14-13


San Diego at Buffalo

 It's been a soft winter in Buffalo this year... they only had one 3 foot blizzard in October.

San Diego, 34-20


San Francisco at New Orleans

Look for Chocolate City to put a Category 5 ass-whipping on the San Francisco treat.

 New Orleans, 17-13


Houston at Oakland

If this was college football, this would be the Both Teams Suck Bowl. Houston sucks less.

Whoston, 9-7


Jacksonville at Miami

Jacksonville is sort of one of those Second City types... big enough to have an NFL team, but small enough that they could never feasibly have CSI: Jacksonville because people would be like "How many people get murdered in Jacksonville??" 

Jacksonville, 17-15


Dallas at New York Giants

Peyton's little brother doesn't even wait for the playoffs to start f***ing up.... lol

Dallas, 17-16


Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh

Here are your last two non-Patriot teams that won a Super Bowl... both of them hopelessly out of the playoff hunt, with the luck to end up losing out on the Pennsylvania/Florida decision on who'd host the December game.

Pittsburgh, 12-10


Seattle at Denver

Denver benched QB Jake Plummer for Jay Cutler, who is supposed to be some kind of phenom. I never liked Denva, so here's to the possibility of the Rook getting head-slapped by whoever the meanest guy on Seattle's defense is.

Denver, 21-19


Carolina at Philly

Philly's chances are as strong as Donovan McNabb's knee... which, unfortunately, is fresh out of  surgery. Looks like T.O. wins again, folks.

The Pants, 21-3


Detroit at New England

Besides being an annual Detroit tradition of fan protest regarding failed General Manager Matt Millen, the term "Millen Man March" has also come to symbolize the period in the game where- following an interception/enemy touchdown/fumbled punt that dooms the Lions to loss for yet another week- Detroit fans begin to head for the exits in droves.

New England, 31-10