Down to the Wire

   I love elections. Two opponents, vying for the affection of America. Two trailblazers of the New Media, competing to cover America's oldest sports tradition. Two rivals, with much mutual respect, gettin' down and dirty in the bogggggggggggs.

   We have our reasons for wanting to win. Wes is a lifetime baseball fan, a coach of children, and he wants to see the heroes he grew up rooting for. His motivations are admirable and endearing.

   I, myself, want to leap onto the field and kiss ARod(I was going for Jeter, but 3rd base is closer than SS, and ARod makes more money). Manny Ramirez, who has that whole Big Sexy Latino thing going on, seems a little too surly to run up on. I bank on my cuteness quite a bit, and can't afford to have SuperManny KO me on National TV.

   If I'm on the 1B side...David Ortiz. He deserves affection after the fine season he's had, and Mother always told me to get a 6'4" Dominican man.

   America has redefined the term "dirty politics." In Japan, the Parliament have fist fights. In Africa, generals have a way of supplanting Presidents, before being supplanted themselves by majors, who then fall to captains. Charles Taylor moved up to President of Liberia from his spot as Sgt. Taylor, and he became Sgt. Taylor after being a guest of the state of Massachusetts' prison system. Many the head of a European king/queen has ended up in a bucket. It's good to be King, but it sucks to be deposed.

   In America, we do it our own way. In 1714, Anthony Henry, a British government official, had this to say to his New York constituents, who wrote to him demanding relief from an excise tax:

"About the excise, may god's curse light upon you all, and may it make your homes as open and as free to the excise officers as your wives and daughters have always been to me while I have represented your rascally constituency."

   Of course, he didn't have to get elected. When a vote comes around, it's time to drag out the heavy artillery.

   Earl Long once called an opponent a "big-bellied liar, and the crookedest man who ever lived." He was speaking about his brother, Huey. He also called him a "son of a bitch" before realizing the implication. Huey ran from several fistfights with Earl, "because he bites."

   Charles Sumner of Massachusetts once made a speech on the  Senate floor, "The Crime Against Kansas." In it, he denounced several Southern sympathizers- one of whom was related to Preston Brooks, who took offense to Sumner calling his cousin a "harlot of slavery." He snuck up on  Sumner and beat him half to death with a cane. This, regrettably, was before C-Span. I plan to explain this to Barry Bonds if I am seated in the outfield.

   Sometimes, you have to stoop down to the level of your constituents. George Smathers once called Claude Pepper a "extrovert," who had "frequently marticulated on campus," and who had a sister who was a "known thespian." He also accused Pepper of "engaging in celibacy before marriage," and of being a "practicing Homo Sapien." Smathers won in a landslide. It ain't what you say...it's how you say it.

   Lyndon Johnson ran for Prez in 1964, against the hawkish Barry Goldwater. He ran an ad that showed a little girl picking daisies in a field...as an ominous voice counted down from ten. The girl was then hit with a Soviet ICBM. The ad basically said "Vote for LBJ...or else!"

 

   I don't plan on nuking anyone, but I would appreciate your vote. The name's Monponsett, and please, vote early and often.

(Defense Department analysts state that High Above Courtside appears to be about 3-5 years away from developing a crude nuclear weapon.)