Friday, June 18, 2004

What if?

Top Matchups That Never Happened:

- Jesse James vs Billy the Kid...high noon...10 paces...winner gets Doc Holliday

- George Bush II and John Kerry decide the 2004 US Presidency with an arm wrestling match.

- Saddam's Iraq invades Taliban-run Afghanistan

- Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, Hell in a Cell

- Satchell Paige pitching to Sandaharu Oh in the 9th inning of a tied 7th game.

- Kirstie Alley and Roseanne Barr delve into Sumo

- Robert E. Lee takes on George Patton in checkers

- Starve them for 3 days, feed them some speed, and have a pit fight between Lassie and Benji

- Warren Beatty gets one evening to seduce Martina Navratilova

- Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt...sledding down Mount McKinley

- Jason Kidd dumps his wife and marries Lalia Ali

- Knute Rockne and Vince Lombardi get a week to familiarize themselves with an XBox, and then play Madden 2004 for a cool million

- Columbus, Magellan, Drake, and Vasco de Gama race across the Gulf of Mexico in catamarans during hurricane season

- Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone get one calendar year to produce a Sasquatch carcass

- Calvin Klein, Tommy Hilfigger, Timberland, Laura Ashley, Fubu, Kathie Lee Gifford, Armani, and DKNY design the new uniform for the US Navy, with a  national election deciding the winner.

- Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent vie to craft a teen-friendly Pledge of Allegiance

- Ted Washington and William Howard Taft sit down at an all-you-can-eat babyback ribs cafe...who has to leave the table first?

- Coach Larry Bird discusses potential free agents with GM Al Sharpton

- Scott Weiland and Robert Downey Jr. discover a poppy field abutting their properties....who dies first? 

- Johnny Carson starts a late-night show on ABC...who gets the higher ratings between him, Leno, and Letterman?

- Rocky Marciano and Roy Jones(moving up several weight classes) play Rock Em Sock Em Robots

- Miss Universe 2004 is decided by the ability to impress Hugh Hefner

 

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Monponsett and Gore Vidal in a writing contest, the one who makes the least amount of references of themselves, wins! :>)

Anonymous said...

I'd kick his ass...

Anonymous said...

By the way...here's who would win:

- Billy the Kid, vs both

- John Kerry, although Bush would put up a good fight

- Iraq, in a walkover

- Aguilera, by submission

- Yerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Out, Oh!

- Barr, in a frightening display of power

- Lee

- Lassie

- Beatty gets passed over for Maria Shaparova

- Earnhardt would put him into the trees

- Ali, TKO

- Lombardi, by a last second field goal

- I'm gellin' like Magellan

- Crockett

- Timberland

- Snoop...who includes the phrase "Pimp Pimp Fluid"

- Ted accidentally consumes Taft as he is blinded by BBQ sauce

- Indiana's starting 5- Wallace, Bunker, Lee, Rocker and Parcells

- Isn't Weiland dead yet?

- Howard Stern appears out of nowhere and crushes all of them

- the robots sort of "look" like Rocky, so I'll go with Roy

- The 2004 Miss America....Eve Ellis