ALL STAR BLOGGER CONTEST STARTS TOMORROW

   Welcome to the All Star Blogger contest.

http://sports.channel.aol.com/sportstalk/allstarblogger/

   I'm Stacey, the only girl in the contest. I felt like Malcolm X at an Army of Northern Virginia memorial breakfast when I saw the other contestants. It doesn't matter- I will bathe in their blood, and march on a road of bones to Houston.

   There are Pros and Cons to being the sole women in the contest. I have the cutest picture, by far. I'm sure no one will have to edit their comments section as much as I will. Having "schoolteacher" in one's profile tends to attract a lot of strange emails and IMs. I get a lot of offers to clear my desk off, so to speak.

   While I am quite used to the attention, I fear the other contestants will be thrown off their game by the sudden notoriety. They will meet wild women, and they will make brief, unimpressive Blogs as they try to squeeze in 3 hours of sleep between dates..."Bonds died on field...it was sad...gotta get some sleep....zzzzzzzz".

   There are some people who don't hear a woman when she talks about sports, and that's another demographic I've dealt with before. I'm pretty sure that I was the only pregnant coach in Massachusetts high school basketball in 2002, so I've had enough "What are you doing here?" questioning to befuddle a white Globetrotter.

  Don't let the skirt fool you. I'm sure I've shot as many jumpers as any of my critics. I speared a girl in a Powderpuff football game. I got knocked ambulance-unconscious by a Ukranian exchange student on my own high school soccer team- in the same season that I got kicked in the stomach by a girl from Silver Lake High School who looked just like Serena Williams. If you've never thrown up on a field in front of 500 people(among them: your mother and your future ex-boyfriend), don't question my credentials.

   At least I'm not the only New Englander in here. Premature Ejocularity looks like a favorite to get the anti-Boston vote, especially with his resemblance to lite-rocker James Taylor. A well-placed F/4 takes care of the Oklahoma entrant. The Will and Grace-looking guy will be bothered by Jack and Karen all day, disturbing his writing. The Southern entrants will fall to my superior industrial capacity.

   I am above pandering to the judges, although I will say that:

- The Washington Capitols are a fine team. I always thought the uniforms were sort of retro-cool. I think that the NHL players have an inordinate share of the NHL's revenue, and that it must be lessened in order to keep the game afloat(they are on water...sort of).

- I was leaning towards Alternative Weddingsville before Jim Palmer's underwear ad came out. Old JP put a stop to my deviance pretty quick. What a virile mass of beefcake that guy is. I should also mention that my marriage vows have a celebrity escape clause, and that I look like a young Holly Hunter.

- Justice looks blacker on TV. I know someone who was hit in the head by a Justice home run ball at Fenway Park. She was taken to Brigham and Women's Hospital, where a brain scan "showed nothing".

   No, it wasn't me...