Smarty Jones Interview

Not a lot of people know this, but I am fluent in Horse. Very few sportswriters speak Horse, so AOL chose me to go down to Kentucky and chew the hay with the Double Crown winner, Smarty Jones.

Smarty Jones may have the Versailles of stables. The first shocker was his celebrity greeter- former Oscar winner Mira Sorvino. Mira led me to the opulent parlor, where she told me that Mr. Jones would be down in 5 minutes.

Smarty then came down the ramp(stairs are tough on 4 legged stars), and I swear I saw cocaine around his ample nostrils. Grabbing an apple from the fruit basket, Smarty munched away as we spoke for over an hour. Here's the transcript:

HAC: The first question everyone wants to know: What happened?

SJ: I threw the Belmont Stakes...and I'll tell you why. I went down to Vegas, and saw I was a 2:5 favorite. Birdstone was a 36-1 shot. I've been saving up for a while, and I recently had an aunt die that was related to Secretariat. I saw 36-1 odds, and I nearly filled my bag, if you know what I mean.

HAC: I thought this place looked a little Liberace for a horse that doesn't get the money after the race. Are you bitter about that?

SJ: God-damned right I am. Here I am, half naked, getting whipped by some sawed-off Ecuadorian midget...and I don't take home a bloody nickel. The fans don't love me...look at what happened to Timely Writer. BAM!! Right on the damn track.

HAC: What do you think of Birdstone?

SJ: I think "Thanks, babe". He's lucky I ran interference for him, or he'd be ALPO right now. While I hate to bring up the spectre of performance-enhancing drugs, Birdstone had a sort of Chinese Swimmer look in his eyes as I checked him out before the race.

HAC: What's next for Smarty Jones?

SJ: I've hired the Poston brothers to negotiate my deal with FOX to produce a new Mr. Ed show. To make it more 2004-ish, I'll have 5 hot roomates, and we'll hang out at a coffee shop. I have a handshake agreement with Jennifer Aniston and Jason Priestley.

HAC: The Postons? Yikes...

SJ: I was very impressed with the work they did on the Kellen Winslow negotiations. You can't let the System play you out. You haveto grab them by the feet and shake money out of them. The Postons will do this for me....here, check out this video I obtained:       Here.

HAC: What about being put out to stud? There seem to be benefits to that.

SJ: (smiles) The Fillies will be well taken care of, I can assure you. I'm more interested in being a part of the first human/horse hybrid. As you might imagine, we'll need to find a fairly large woman to bear my legacy...and we're also looking for a unique mix of brains, health, and athletic ability. I was thinking Brooke Shields, but the scientists are insisting on Rebecca Lobo or Lisa Leslie. I do have Veto Power here, and will use it if necessary. BTW, ladies call me "Hoss".

HAC: Have any endorsement offers come around, yet?

SJ: I kind of blew the Belmont Springs deal, but that was apples and oats compared to the 36:1 killing I made Saturday. I am insisting on creative control for a series of Clydesdale spots Budweiser is interested in having me do. Nike is on hold till they kick up my offer to LeBron levels. Other than that, I am taking all calls.

HAC: Well, I have a Kangaroo Jack interview at 4PM....thanks for your time, and best of luck. Any advice for the kids?

SJ: Never play cards with someone named after a city...and never bet with someone named Smarty.