For Bettor or for Worse

You know I'm born to lose

and Gambling's for fools

But that's the way I like it baby

I don't wanna live forever...

 

Betting is one of those Bad things that go with the fun of Sport. Like Mafioso dining at your favorite Italian cafe or like catching syphillis from a prostitute, it is simply something that comes with the territory. I'm sure the cavemen were betting as soon as they developed language, and probably before.

   The art of betting has come a long way since Urgg bet Oma a hardy piece of flint that he couldn't touch the nose of a sleeping saber-toothed tiger without being made into prehistoric feline Lunchables. These days, you can bet on just about anything, especially offshore.

   I stumbled into this morass while researching something for a class I was teaching. Most of my betting was football card-driven, and usually for small stakes. Still, I can remember briefly renouncing Christianity when some Method Man-lookin' gentleman from Texas dropped a spread-beating touchdown, costing me a $15,000 payoff on a one dollar bet.

   I forget the particulars, but it was mid-1990s, Texas was playing a team with red jerseys, and the QB- who threw a perfect pass that was dropped by a man I will castrate if Fate should cross our paths- was black. I had won 14 of the required 15 games on a one dollar football card, and this SOB nearly drove me to $15,000 worth of apoplexy. Next to Buckner, this mystery figure is the focus of my most irrational hatred- sports related or otherwise. But that is a story for another day.

   Not a lot of people know this, but one can log into certain sites and bet on where the next great (7.0 or more on the Richter Scale) earthquake will occur. It isn't as hard as it sounds- you only have to pick which Hemisphere it will happen in.   

   Is it wrong to rejoice as the shifting of the earth's tectonic plates causes the very ground to shake like an epileptic staring at a strobe light, killing thousands of Indonesians? Yes. But once you come to terms with the cruel nature of your personality, you can make some pretty good money. That monster quake that hit Iran last year would have made me $5000 had I been bold enough to put some money behind my belief that Central Asia is particularly prone to earthquakes. 

   I lost the link to this site, and if one of my readers can hook me up, I'll make it worth your while if the next Tsunami hits Japan instead of the Phillipines.

   For those of you who actually have morals, there are opportunities to make some money without 50,000 dead Armenians as a point spread.

https://www.intertops.com/sportsbook/cgi-win-2/itwww.exe?

   This fine site has the line on the following unusual betting events:

- John Kerry is a 1.83:1 bet in the 2004 Presidential election. Gee Dub has a 1.77:1 handicap. Ralph Nader will pay off $1001 for every dollar bet on him. The Warren Commission failed to take political betting into account when trying to determine Lee Harvey Oswald's motivation. I bet Jack Ruby had $10,000 on Kennedy in 1964.

- You can bet on whether Germany will win the World Cup before humans set foot on Mars. The Washington Redskins also have a bet in that area- and, I quote, "Bets are action regardless of team name change." I can't see someone arguing this point with the Mafia, but what can a betting service in Grenada use as leverage?

- You can bet on a human being setting foot on Mars before December 31st, 2020 AD. If George Bush II personally takes that small step for a man, you can make $9000 for every dollar you bet. Humans are a 7:1 favorite to land on Mars before Outer-Space visitors arrive here. This is more of a long-term bet, but a visionary can really cash in if he/she lives long enough- and if the betting service remains solvent.

- You can bet on the winner of American Idol, Big Brother, and Last Comic Standing. An AK-47, an ability to kill everyone you haven't bet on, and a $50,000 bet on Kathleen Madigan will make you well over a $600K.

- Perhaps you are into betting on betting itself. If so, log in and wager a quick hundred on Miami John Cernuto(NEVER play cards with someone named after a city) or Huck Seed in the World Poker Championships in Dublin. If you are prone to omens, bet on the splendidly-named Chris Moneymaker, a 41:1 longshot.

- If you like Basketball Drama, bet on whether Kobe will leave the Lakers or not. Bet on whether Shaq leaves and Kobe stays, Kobe leaves and Shaq stays, both Kobe and Shaq leave, or both Kobe and Shaq stay. Kobe returning to a Shaq-free LA is a 2:1 favorite. While I couldn't find a line on Kobe's trial, I'm sure there's one offshore somewhere.

   Other sites- that I can't find now that I need them- have lines on if/when North Korea invades South Korea, the Scott Peterson trial, when Bush will get caught lying again, and whether or not Osama bin Laden will be caught.

   Again, there are moral gymnastics that must be performed when trying to make money off a NKPA armored thrust across the 38th parallel. It takes a particularly sick person to think "$$$$" when Kim Jong Il refuses to discuss dismantling his nuclear weapons program. Money cures all that ails ye, though. Let the SCUDs fly...

   I myself am attempting a Trifecta- a failed North Korean invasion of the South as a Tsunami hits. If everything falls into place, I stand to make $40 per dead Korean.

   Don't look at me like that...