Break Me Off Some...

   Much like betting, injury is something that you will be exposed to when you play sports. I played basketball and soccer, and I'd get busted up all the time. I had a concussion, I got kicked in the stomach, I broke my thumb, and I broke my leg...twice. The pain from the broken leg was far worse than childbirth. I still limp today from it, and can tell when rain is coming.

   Still, I got off easy. I'm not that old, but I have seen some things on TV that made me want to hurl like Pedro. Some of the nastiest injuries happened to people so obscure that they don't need a name- I saw some dude lose an arm wrestling match on Fox Sports Net when his arm broke with a sound not unlike a thick pencil snapping. I haven't had a chicken wing since....

   I'm counting on Audience Participation, here....as I list the:

Worst Sports Injuries Ever

- Joe Theisman meets Lawerence Taylor. Break a leg, kid...I 'd bet that the wanton horror of that hit screwed up LT's coke buzz. I played Powderpuff football, and I always tried to LT one of those snooty b**ches on the other team when the opportunity presented itself. If there were a WNFL, I would have made a fine Free Safety.

- Frank Viola snaps his arm on a pitch. He turned, threw, and the arm just dangled. Viola- who always looked tough for someone named after a musical instrument- screamed like a baby...and I don't blame him.

- The Jayson "Shotgun" Williams leg breaking. He and Marbury fell together, and both got hurt. JW was unable to lift his leg off the back of the wounded Marbury, and could only scream in agony. It was the second most awful night of Jay Dub's life.

- Three local ones that I haven't seen, but that the old-timers assure me were smallpox-awful:

A) The Wayne Maki/Ted Green stickfight. Maki took a swing meant only for firewood, and caved in the side of "Terrible" Ted's terrible head. There's a photo of it, and you can see a dent in the man's domepiece. I'm told the two reconciled, and that Greene somehow outlived Maki.

B) Eddie Shore("Old Time Hockey!!!") comes up behind Ace Bailey and slams his head into the ice. Bailey needs several operations, is given the Last Rites, and never plays again. They eventually shake hands at the All Star Game. Boston police planned to press manslaughter charges against Shore if Bailey had died.

C) Tony Conigliaro takes high heat to the head. I never saw the play, but I did see a picture of Conigliaro's face afterwards: it looked like he had an 8 ball in his eye.

I'm always amazed that more batters don't throw bats at the pitcher after beanings. Also, how cool would it be if a pitcher- ordered by his manager to bean a defenseless batter- instead dropped his glove and fought him fair? Done on national TV, it could make the beanball a thing of the past- replaced with regular violence. That's how they settle it in hockey, and how often do you see rioting in Quebec?

- I can't remember the name, but the NHL goalie who got a skate across the throat. I believe he was 99.78% dead at one point, but lived.

- Rudy Tomjanovich comes at Kermit Washington, who turns and lands the Mother of All Haymakers in his face. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar said it sounded like "a watermelon dropped on concrete from a third story window." Tomjanovich, who was an all-star forward, was never the same after.

- Sid Vicious breaks his leg AND his ankle trying a top-rope move. Eddie Guerrero dislocates his elbow missing a frog splash. NFL hopeful Brock Lesnar tries a flip, and lands on his head. The Undertaker throws Mick Foley off a 25 foot cage, through the Spanish announcers table. Afterwards, Foley's loose teeth fell out, got into his nasal passage, and he passed them out through his nose.

It is sort of a wrestling tradition to throw an opponent through the Spanish Announcers Table. All the great ones have been in the lap of Pedro Morales at one point.

- Robin Ventura catches his spikes on a home plate slide, and gets a bad case of Dangling Ankle.

- Daryl Stingley leaps to make a catch, and is speared in the back by Raider safety Jack Tatum. Stingley is paralyzed, and Tatum becomes an author.

- I don't know how it happened, but Chuck Bednarik can bend his thumb backwards, to the point where it touches his forearm.

- DP will know this one....the Red Sox pitcher(Bryce Florie?) who took a line drive to the face. I saw somebody vomit after watching that one.

- Tommy Hearns vs Marvin Hagler. It only went three rounds or so, but I never saw such intense violence in my life. My high school soccer coach showed us the tape once, to fire us up. That was before the game when my own teammate knocked me out.

- Garrison Hearst snapping his ankle, and Willie McGahee's leg breaker. Robert Edward's sand football injury. All floor the needle on the Yuckometer.

- Mike Tyson bites off half of Evander Holyfield's ear. When Tyson later threatened to eat Lennox Lewis' children, I took him at his word.

If you ever get lost in the jungle and have to resort to Cannibalism, be sure to avoid eating the brain. Brain contains some chemical which produces Laughing Sickness, a sort of human Mad Cow disease. You eventually hyperventilate to death...you die laughing.

That's all I can think of....I'm sure some of you have seen worse. There is an "Add Comments" section here, and we accept any feedback offered.

Break a leg!