Pillar of Salt

   Some dynasties last longer than others. The end is never pretty. Louis XVI was beheaded by a mob. Seinfeld turned into a mockery of itself, repeating the same tired theme(Kramer finds a dubious money-making scheme, George suffers some humiliating failure, and Jerry walks around doing weak standup jokes- What's with these paper clips? They aren't made of paper- all in a NYC that doesn't have any blacks) over and over again. The Soviet Union failed to last a century. Glory is a high perch, and the fall is always a long one.

   The Los Angeles Lakers just added themselves to the List. People with more credibility than myself predicted a 4 game sweep. Shaq would shoot 65%, Kobe wouldn't take No for an answer from Hamilton, Malone would lend class and wisdom, Payton would direct the offense, and Jackson would cement his status as the Greatest Coach Ever. 

   It didn't quite work out that way. Shaq was Shaq, but the rest of the team should consider seppuku. Kobe, who was being compared to Jordan before the series, shot 38%, and allowed himself to be repeatedly torched by the man he was supposed to ravage like a Vail hotel employee. Malone, who had played admirably against Tim Duncan, watched the end come from the bench. Payton will be lucky to get a job in the league next year. Phil Jackson should have been fired mid-game.

   This was a collapse, folks. An illusion-shattering collapse. The next Jordan was the 6th best player on the court for most of the series. Gary Payton, defensive guard extrordinaire, would have trouble guarding a WNBA point guard. Malone broke down physically, much like the 1985 work truck he spiritually resembles. Jackson...well, we'll get to him later.

   Detroit couldn't have been more inspirational. Dumars made a Jerry West-like leap from great player to great GM- even with the Darko nightmare. Rip Hamilton moves without the ball better than anyone since Havlicek. Chauncey scores, dishes, defends and dominates. Rasheed was a steady veteran presence. Larry Brown orchestrated his Austerlitz. They played together, and were greater than the sum of their parts.

  You gotta love Ben Wallace. This was a guy who didn't make it through the Celtic summer league. He's giving up inches to whoever he guards. He was unwanted by a team that was 19-63 this year. He simply ignored all this, and became an MVP candidate. Hard work pays, kids.

   Ben Wallace, and the Pistons in general, proved that hard work and self confidence can overcome any obstacle. Given no chance in Hell of winning this series, the Pistons simply went out and did the job. The fact that they blue-collared their way through a Hollywood all star team only made it more enjoyable.

   The Kobe/Shaq argument has been emphatically settled. Shaq shot 63% while scoring 26ppg. Kobe basically bricked his team into humiliation. Kobe, despite his game winner, choked like a baby who just ate an action figure. On the biggest stage available to him, Kobe went out like a sucker.

   Speaking of suckers, let's get to Coach Jackson. The Jock Rider was poised to become the best coach off all time. Instead, Larry Brown coached circles around him. If the coaching battle was a prize fight, it would have been stopped. If Jackson's reputation were a building, it would be condemned.  

   The Master of the Triangle coached his team to an 82ppg, 41% shooting ass whuppin'. The guy who taught Jordan how to play defense was defenseless against Chauncey Freakin' Billups. The Zen Master was mute as his team bickered, complained, and collapsed. He should have been ordered off the Laker bench in the 3rd quarter.

   Anyone who compares him to Red Auerbach should have their respectability revoked. Between last year's debacle in San Antonio and the nightmare that ended last night, Jackson has shown that he can't coach his way out of a jam. If Larry Brown (or Greg Popovich, or Pat Summit) had been coaching the Lakers the last few years, they would be sleeping off consecutive champagne hangovers as we speak.

   As someone on the Laker message board noted, Aretha Franklin's version of America the Beautiful was as ominous as that song could be. The Fat Lady was singing before the game. The Queen of Soul (Food) has a physical appearance that makes a defensive coordinator think "run stopper". Had she removed Jackson from the bench and coached the Lakers herself, the end result could not have been worse.