George Washington, upon being given command of the army during the Revolution: "This will be the commencement of the decline of my reputation."
John Adams writing to his wife, who had mentioned that he was 60 years old in a letter: "How dare you? If I were closer to you, I'd convince you that I'm not a day over 40."
Thomas Jefferson, to an Italian diplomat bad-mouthing a sloppy Virginia church: "It is good enough for He that was born in a manger."
James Madison, when urged not to speak from his deathbed: "I always speak most easily when I lie."
James Monroe, as he attacked Alexander Hamilton with a pair of tongs: "You damned infernal old scoundrel!"
John Quincy Adams, upon running for the House after being President: "No person... could ever be degraded by representing his people in Congress."
Andrew Jackson (who deserves his own entry), when presented a list of shootings/stabbings/brawls that people from his hometown gave in hopes of deterring voters from making him president "Ahh...old Salisbury... I was a rough lad then, but I did my best."
Thomas Benton, on Martin Van Buren succeeding Andy Jax: "For once, the rising sun is eclipsed by the setting sun."
Benton on William Henry Harrison: "Give him a pension and a barrel of hard cider, and... he will... sit by a sea coal fire and study moral philosophy."
Toney, one of John Tyler's slaves, when asked his opinion of Tyler taking a woman much younger than he for a wife: "Massa... you be in your prime now... but when she's in her prime, where will your prime be?"
James Polk, on handshaking "When I saw a strong man, I took advantage of being quicker than he, and got him by the tips of his fingers before he could rend my arm from me."
Zachary Taylor, when approached to run for President: "Stop that nonsense and finish your whiskey."
Millard Fillmore: "I detest slavery... but we must endure it... till we can get rid of it without destroying the last free government in the world."
Franklin Pierce, upon losing his bid for a second term: "There is nothing left.. but to get drunk."
Bachelor President James Buchanan, when asked why there was no First Lady: "That, madam, is my misfortune, not my fault."
Abe Lincoln (who also deserves his own entry), when called "two-faced" by a Stephen Douglas during a debate: "I leave it to my audience... if I had two faces, would i wear this one?"
Andrew Johnson, to Jefferson Davis: "If I could not unsheathe my sword in vindication of my country, i would return it to the scabbard. I would never sheathe it in the bosom of my mother."
Ulysses S. Grant: "I know only two tunes. One of them is 'Yankee Doodle,' and the other isn't."
General Rutherford B. Hayes, when urged to run against Lincoln: "I shall never come to Washington, until I can come by way of Richmond."
James Garfield's doctor, on treating the still-living Garfield after his assassination attempt: "Some people say that prayer has saved the President... in my opinion, it was the whiskey."
Chester Arthur, on retirement: "There doesn't seem anything for an ex-President to do... but go into the country and raise big pumpkins."
Grover Cleveland fathered a child out of wedlock, and rivals used to chant "Ma, Ma, where's my pa?" Once GC won the election, his supporters would answer that chant with "Off to the White House... Ha Ha Ha!"
Benjamin Harrison: "I can not name my own cabinet... my party managers have sold out every seat on it to secure my election."
William McKinley, after watching his first football game: "They didn't have no game; they got into a fight and kept fightin'... when they ought to have been playing ball."
Theodore Roosevelt, on the battle of Kettle Hill (what he called the San Juan Charge): "I killed a Spaniard with my own hand... like a jackrabbit... look at those damned Spanish dead... Oh, but we have had a bully fight."
William Taft, on losing his bid for a second term: "I have but one consolation... no one has ever been elected ex-President by such a large majority."
Woodrow Wilson was giving an outdoor speech, when a small boy fought his way to the front row and asked what the crowd had gathered for. "I guess it is for me," said WW. "Shucks," said the boy. "I thought it was a dogfight."
Warren Harding, on meeting comedian Will Rogers at a White House reception: "This is the first time I ever saw you without paying for it."
Calvin Coolidge (who, despite his taciturn nature, has 10 pages of hilarious quotes) when asked why he went to political dinners that obviously bored him: "A man must eat."
Herbert Hoover, when told by Coolidge (during the Depression) that "you can't expect to see calves in the field the day after you put the bull to the cows," in regards to his acts to stop the Depression: "But I do expect to see contented cows."
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, as described by a NY Republican leader "Don't be fooled by it." The man was aked, "By what?" "By a perfectly grand political personality, you fool!"
Harry Truman, when asked to describe his Presidency: "There's a grave at Boot Hill that says 'Here lies Jack Williams- he done his damndest.' What more can a man do?"
Dwight Eisenhower once asked an aide to golf with him. The aide declined, saying his wife was expecting him home for dinner. "Are you mice or man?" asked Ike. "Man," the aide replied. "My wife is afraid of mice."
JFK, speaking to a crowd in Iowa that wasn't used to a nice Cape Cod accent: "What's wrong with the American fah-mah?" he siad. "He's stah-ving" answered the crowd.
While showing reporters around hus ranch, LBJ stopped to urinatein some bushes. "Aren't you afraid a rattlesnake will bite it?" asked a reporter. "Hell, boy, it IS part rattlesnake."
While signing his book The Six Crises, Richard Nixon asked the next person in line who he should address his signature to. "You've just met your seventh crisis. My name is Stanislaus Wojechzleschki."
Geral Ford, as described by his own wife: "he was an accidental president and an accidental vice president. In both cases, he replaced disgraced leaders."
Jimmy Carter, when asked how he would feel if his daughter had an affair: "Astonished. She's eight."
Ronald Reagan, upon reading that births to teen mothers had tripled during his time in the white House: "I never felt so young and virile."
George Bush, disparaging an answer given in a debate by Mike Dukakis: "That answer is about as clear as Boston Harbor."
Bill Clinton, upon taking over for Bush: "There is nothing wrong with America that can't be fixed by what is right with America."
George Bush II, after Katrina: "We'll continue to work with the folks down there. But I want to remind the people in that part of the world, 85 billion dollars is a lot. "