The Judges Must Have Been Slam Drunk

  Last night's NBA Slam Dunk Contest was won by the wee Nate Robinson of the Kuh-nicks. I can't get within 3 feet of a rim myself, and Nate is only 9 inches taller than me... so this is a big time Feat.

   Too bad he didn't deserve to win.

   Andre Igoudala(?) pulled off the best dunk I've seen since Vinsanity dragged his package over that French guy's head 2 Olympics ago. Yet, he was only second best. Next to when someone chose his genus/species last name, this will probably be the worst injustice Andre will suffer in his life. The fact that the winner has "rob" in his last name only sweetens the sauce.

   For those of you who were watching Canadian girls push a broom in front of a sliding shuffleboard thing, there was actually a true display of athletic prowess happening on your TV last night. The NBA purists will try to tell you that people are more interested in the Skills challenge than they are in the dunking, but anyone with volume on their TV wouldn't buy that s*** on discount.

   Granted, with the nation in two really ugly wars and gas costing twice as much as it did in 2001, I should probably have something better to be angry about on a freezing (7 degrees) morning here on the Cape. Still, Dre got robbed, and count me as one shorty who isn't happy with Nate's win.

   Jumping over a human being to dunk a ball is a very difficult task. Still, when Vince Carter, Kobe Bryant and Ricky Davis have all dunked over taller men (Frederic Weis, Dwight Howard and Steve Nash, respectively), it sort of lessens the impact. When someone jumps over Yao Ming to hammer one down, I'll be impressed.

   Andre caught a pass from the other AI off the back of the backboard, went under the rim and gorilla-d one down with such force that Indonesians were disturbed. This is sort of like having sex with a German Shepherd- you have to be a freak to even think  about trying it.

   Nate also took 14- yes, fourteen- attempts to make a dunk at one point. Imagine winning a spelling bee with 14 misses. Imagine winning the Daytona 500 if you get lost in the middle. Short of heroic intervention by some sort of governing body, y'ain't never going platinum.

   The judges are all giants. Nate Robinson looks small to them... but to most of the 290 million Americans, Nate is fairly tall. Still, when the judges go 6'7" and up, Nate gets higher scores for weaker dunks.

   Speaking of judges, this is a system that needs to be redone. I'm not that old, but I've seen a few robberies happen in this event. Each time, it was a case where the better dunker was bypassed for a crowd/league/Nike favorite.

   Serious NBA fans are already thinking "Dominique Wilkins" when they read that previous paragraph. 'Nique threw down a superb windmill/tomahawk dunk 20 years ago, only to lose when Jordan ripped off an old Dr. J dunk. He was then- in an act of larceny very familiar to those of us who dispute Robinson's win- ganked by Spud Webb in a later contest.

   Like figure skating or American Idol, the dunk contest is decided by judges. They are very prone to being influenced by the crowd, and they have made numerous poor calls during the history of this contest. I'd personally trot out 20 guys(with no hometowners), and give them one attempt only... and I'd score it based on decibel levels from the crowd.

   It may not be perfect, but it beats the hell out of someone missing 13 straight dunks and winning.