Ways To Get Beaten Up By Athletes

(..."or with God as my witness, I'll take off this $500 suit and beat your psychotic black &$$, son." )

This is a lot like that Douglas Adams thing with the answer to the question of the mystery of the Universe... it isn't the How that is the problem here... it's the Why.

Regardless:

- Look at Ray Lewis wrong.

- Take a position as (tall) Jayson Williams' chauffeur.

- Sit behind the bench at an NHL game and loudly disparage "Oh, Canada."

- Secretly replace Barry Bonds' tongue cream steroid with strawberry Jay-Izm Fun Gel from the adult bookstore.

- Walk back and forth in front of the Kansas City Chiefs Player parking lot in full Nazi regalia.

- Practice with the Portland Trail Blazers.

- Spill your beer forward at an Indiana Pacers game.

(Look what you made me do!)

- Ask Charles Barkley for an autograph, and then sneeze on him as he's signing.

- Switch Ratty Palmeiro's Viagra with Ex-Lax, and stand by the bathroom saying, "Don't you dare implicate Cal Ripken."

- Hang around WNBA shower rooms disguised as a Lawn Jockey Towel Rack.

- Jump onto the ice at an NHL game and try to share your popcorn with Tie Domi.

- Look at Ray Lewis in a way that seems fine to you, but that he perceives as threatening/condescending.

- Go to the ESPY's dressed up as Jose Canseco

 

(Stop Snitching!!)

- Be standing near someone who spills a beer on Artest or looks at Ray-Ray "wrong."

- About halfway through the process of meeting Mike Tyson... say, "That face tat looks stupid, you big ape."

- Go to a Made Men concert with Paul Pierce(d).

- Wear a Randy Moss afro wig into Lambeau Stadium, sit among the endzone seats, and loudly make fun of Vince Lombardi's teeth as a Packer scores.

- Throw a box of thumb tacks onto the road in in the path of a large Tour de France pack.

- Get into pit row at the Talladega 500, and break dance to a hip-hop version of "Ring Of Fire" while wearing a "Both Dales Suck" tshirt.

(This is what we call a Talladega Two-Step, son)

- Make a sudden move near Allen Iverson at the Source Awards.

- Expunge a loud, hacking cough over Boog Powell's rib grill.

- Go "Look, everybody... I'm Jeff van Gundy!!" ... then run out on the court at a Heat game and grab Alonzo Mourning around the leg.

- Run into the ring during a Felix Trinidad fight with boxing gloves on, and yell "Three Way Dance" in both English and Spanish.

- Bumper-ski on Jeff Gordon's Du Pont car.

- Infiltrate the Rucker Tournament disguised as a KKK Grand Wizard.

- Dress as a Sasquatch, and disrupt the Winter Olympics ski races by yelling, "Get out of my damn yard!'