The Million Chainsaw March

 

   I was just shooting the breeze with the Pastor, and he wants me to thank everyone at AOL- especially the mighty-friggin cool Jamie Mottram, John Scalzi, everyone who posed for the photo essay, Beth/Eddie/Mo's save-my-ass camera work, the good people at the Bourne (MA) police department, and the whole SBL Posse (not his exact words)- for the help they've given to this desperate small town.

   The relief apparatus is slowly swinging into place. People are getting fed. Power is slowly coming back (As of the last time I checked, 7,000 of 70,000 were re-lit). While it will take years to recover from this, the ball is rolling.

   The Trinity Church will be the staging area for relief efforts in the North Shore of Lake Pontchartrain area. They are going to need a lot of assistance. I asked Pastor Sprague what the relief workers themselves were citing as their greatest need, and the answer came back so fast that I thought God himself had spoken.

   They need chain saws. Lots of chainsaws. Whether it's one or two words for chainsaw, they need them. They also need chainsaw oil, chainsaw parts, chainsaw chains, and chainsaw gloves for the people working- you guessed it- with chain saws.

   While he wouldn't come right out and say it (Pastors are more of the giving  than asking  type), he could probably use a few Real Men to come down and chop some trees up. 1 in 8 trees in Covington were knocked over by the storm. As we say in Boston, that's a lotta lumba!

   So... I'm calling a few people out.

   Lumberjacks. Tobe Hooper fans. Bret Easton Ellis readers. The guy from Jackyl. That Cuban enforcer dude from Scarface who sort of helped title the movie. Get your chainsaws and get down to Covington, Louisiana. There are trees blocking almost half the roads, and they most likely have a 3 man DPW.

   Ford vs Chevy? You can bet the people of Covington will be looking at the transom (I grew up on a harbor, and I don't know truck stuff, sorry) of your pickup truck to see who truly drives America's ass kicking machine.

   Crips and Bloods? See who can do more good in a week. ...great time to case out places for 2008 robberies, once the insurance settlement money gets spent, too.

   Hell's Angels vs. the Outlaws? After a few decades of putting the "Hell" on your jacket... why not earn the Angel? And as for you Outlaws... will you let those HAs be better men than you?

   Arab/Israeli? Why not fight it out on neutral ground? See who can cut more trees in half.

   Anarchists? This is your chance to run wild with a chainsaw.

   If I wielded a little more power, I'd find an all-black town and a town with heavy KKK sympathies... and make 100 of their strongest residents go tree-for-tree to see who gets the $1 million in federal aid that would be posted as a bet.

   Either way... wherever your sympathies may lie, try to help out. Pastor Sprague can be reached at www.Trinitychurchonline.net

 

   Likewise... there are ways that pro athletes could do more... and do so without really driving down to Louisiana and cutting a tree off someone's 1986 Ford F-150. (Editor's Note... when I worked at the factory, i knew a guy who's wife threw him out... so he lived in his truck. He was also doing his taxes, and they like an address with your 10W40... so he wrote, "F-150 Ford Lane, Wherever, MA")

   So... anyhow.... here's how our heroes can help:

-  The NBA announces a new Exposed Tattoo Tax, with the proceeds going to the Red Cross.

-   TO  and Moss should secretly bet a quarter-million dollar donation to Covington (maybe Nike could kick in) on who can upset Joe Buck more this season. Moss and TO could then each up the ante and raise the bar with worse and worse remarks made to the press as the season progresses: 

"I smoke weed."

"I have 8 children I don't pay support for."

"I'm so hard-core militant, I dropped my slave name.... then I ended up dropping my Muslim name, too."

"I eat kittens."

"I murdered a girl in college."

"I just joined the Taliban."

 

-   The WWE should contact the Trinity Church, and have an event called "Bikini Fights, Spilling Blood In Torrents, And Guys On Steroids Hitting People Over The Head With A Steel Chair... For God."

-   They should put a big jar in the Portland Trailblazer locker room, and every time someone swears, they should have to throw in a $20. This penalty would increase when, say, someone is arrested, calls the black coach the N bomb despite being black himself, gets caught with endo, loses one of his damaged pitbulls, breaks a teammate's right orbital socket, or any event which involves someone sleeping over Dale Davis' house because they fear for their life.

-   After Day 20 of his 2006 holdout, Matt Leinhart can say something in the press like, "For every HOUR they don't give me what I deserve, I will demand an additional $10,000 be donated to the Trinity Church in Covington, Louisiana."

   If God is truly merciful, someone is already forwarding that idea to a Mr. Carl Poston in Detroit.

(for an idea of how it is to deal with me on the phone when i'm working for God...View the clip... )

-  MLB and the NFL announce a retroactive (dating to 1986) $1,000,000 fine for steroid use, to be paid to the Red Cross. Those unable to pay their fine will be sent to Covington and put under the watch of a really angry Louisiana widow with a mop, a shovel and a barn to clean. 

-   Maria Sharapova agrees to french-kiss anyone with a reciept for a $50,000 or greater donation from the Red Crizzy.