Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Massachusetts Checklist


You Know You're From Massachusetts When...

The person driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you are cursing him for going too slow. (Damn school zones)

When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke...not quinine water. (I've had detectives look up from their meals in cafes when I asked for Coke.)

You almost feel disappointed when someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space. (I tell people to **** thmselves when they don't let me pull out quickly enough, and I'm not even a native)

You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Haverhill, Scituate, Gloucester, Duxbury and Cotuit. (Try spelling it out in the comments section)Add your own

You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday in order to get beer. (Blue Laws)

You know that there are two Bulger brothers, and thatthey're both crooks. (Ironically, I would trust the gangster more than the State Senator)

You know what they sell at a packie. (I go to the "liqour store" .... my husband goes to the "packy"... it's the same place.)

"The Garden" is a non-existent concrete train station building


You actually enjoy driving around rotaries. (I stay in them, occasionally.. and Duxbury just built a Roundabout, of all the ****** things)

You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call. (It's called "Every Bar.")

You can actually find your way around Boston. (Well.... that stupid Big Dig thing screwed everything up, right when i thought I had it down!!)

Evacuation Day is a recognized holiday. (I have never taught a class on Evacuation Day, and would take it off even if I taught in Arizona.)

You know what First Night is. (It's actually Last Night, and the following First morning.")

You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud, Sully or Seamus. (If you could combine Sloan and Shea's dating resume into that of one rather prolific sister, she'd have dated a man with each of those names.)

You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day. (and St. Patrick's Day....and Patriot's Day....and they do owe us.)

You have never been to Cheers. (It's The Bull And Finch Pub, and it's full of yuppies and tourists)

When the words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together. (I was shocked when I learned that this very effective term of emphasis wasn't used nation wide.")Wicked Good Guide to Boston English

You knew that there was no chance in hell that the Pats would move to Hartford. (I'd have rooted for the Giants, like the old timers here used to before we got the Pats)


You have gone to at least one party at UMass. (I've been to parties at THREE UMasses)

The curse of the Bambino is taught in public schools. (Guilty)

You own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat. (I become angry when Southereners refer to me as a "Yankee.")

You think Doug Flutie is the greatest athlete ever. (For Boston, For Boston...)

You remember exactly where you were when the ball rolled through Buckner's legs. (grrr)

You (USED TO) pray for the Red Sox to win the World Series not this season, but in your lifetime.  (I steal from old sites)

You know how to make a frappe. (Watch Southerners get really angry at a Falmouth Dairy Queen when no ice cream is added to their Milkshake.)

You know that "Big Dig" is also a kind of ice cream you can get at Brigham's. (Just may go there this evening, as my schedule brings me past one)

You actually know how to merge from 6 lanes of traffic down to one. (The key is to have your nose ahead of whoever you are cutting off, for insurance liability purposes)

You never go "to Cape Cod", you go "down the Cape".  (My family refers to me as "down the Cape" as a sort of metaphor for "went crazy")

You think that Roger Clemens, Wade Boggs and Derek Jeter are more evil than Whitey Bulger.  (To my knowledge, the Roger Clemens article I wrote for this very blog is the only one that an AOL Employee has had to personally call the author on and ask her to remove it...although I dodged the call for several hours by going to a BarBQ, and my poor husband ended up taking it)

You went to Old Sturbridge Village, Plymouth Plantation, or both, on field trip in grammar school. (Duxbury public schools have 7thgraders take a term entirely full of John Alden, Massasoit, etc...).

You're aware that there is a town, somewhere in Massachusetts, named Brimfield where they have the biggest outdoor antique market in the world. (Monponsett is less than 4 miles from where the Toll House Cookie was invented, and my old home was within sight of the guy who gave us "Kilroy Was here.")

Youcan drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day. (I knew a fat guy who can roll down Mount Washington and allow his momentum to carry him into the Atlantic, usually off Gloucester... until the truck hit him)

You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line. (You can take a map of MA, draw "12-18" in the western half of the state, "8-12"  on everythingup to Boston, "4-8" around the coast, and "Mix to 3" on the Cape... and be right for 76% of Massachusetts' winter storm forecasts)

You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group. (If it was a rap group, they might live three to five minutes at the Source Awards.

You know that Ludlow is 90% Portuguese and that Fall River is 90% Lebanese.  (Huh?)

You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language. (It's the key to pronouncing "Worcester.")

You've called something "wicked pissa" (Itmeans "good.")

You have driven to either Rhode Island, New Hampshire or Vermont for a tattoo. (You can get them here, now... since all the Lebanese moved out of Fall River)

You see people like Steven Tyler (Aerosmith), Dicky Barret (The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones), Tracy Bonham, Evan Dando (The Lemonheads) and Ric Ocasek (The Cars) in the local supermarket and it doesn't phase you. (I am a fringe Kennedy, by marriage)

You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater. (Only if I don't have a gun in the car) 


Know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frank(ie) (I have one in my family)

Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts, ATM or CVS within eyeshot at all times.(I was pleasd when I saw a CVS outside my Houstonhotel, because I didn't like my chances of getting them to understand me saying "apothecary" or "pharmacy.")

You keep an ice scraper and can of de-icer on the floor of your car...year round (They come in handy for deterring car-jackers)

You still try to order curly fries from Burger King (The chief benefit of Pizza Boy in Wareham- 508-295-2095- is that they have Curly fries and superb thin crust pizza.)

You order iced coffee in January. (This isn't as wierd as it sounds. Water- the primary ingredient in ice- freezes at 32 degrees. The air outside is 10 degrees. Therefore, iced coffee will warm you in the right weather conditions. This knowledge is essentially why we beat Indianapolis in football every January) 

You know what candlepin bowling is (It used to beat the Patriots' TV ratings right up until Parcells got here. Tt's also a sport I am incapable of playing, for reasons far beyond my refusal to wear second-hand shoes.)

You drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax. (Until the Bush Administration, this was sound fiscal policy) 

You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left. (I once saved a woman and her occupied baby stroller with this tactic... and had a lead pipe waved out the window at me for it by the driver I blocked from Death Race 2000ing her.)

You know what a "regular" coffee is (my distaste for coffee is viewed with disgust more by my French associates than my American ones... but the differences between them are like the 3 and 4 of diamonds in the Iraqi War Criminal Commemorative Card Set)

You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop. (The little nautical Santa lamp you can see on the pictures of my desk was $5.99 at the Pembroke CTS in 2003 or so) 


By the way:

Worcester = Wuss-ta

Billerica = Bill-ricka

Haverhill = Hay-va-ill, or Hay-vill

Scituate = Sit-chew-et

Gloucester = Gloss-ta

Cotuit = Cuh-too-it

Duxbury = Ducks-bree


zamboni831 said...

Lets see....Wooster, Billrikkuh, Haver-ill, Sit-chew-it, Glah-ster...wait..maybe thats the Ro D'ilund pronunciation...

lurkynat said...

cheers monponsett

lrpatton said...

I was just looking at that very fine, detailed map of Mass. and wondered what the landscape was like where there are no towns and no water. Pretty much in the middle part of the state. What's that like?


onemoretina said...

Evacuation Day ?? Sounds like a course taught in nursing school.  Tina                P.S.   Try these California city names on for size: La Jolla, Port Hueneme, and Coalinga

monponsett said...

Evacuation Day is around March 17th, the day the British left Boston. It also gets the Irish a chance to recover after S. Patty's.

I tried Coalinga once, in college, after losing a drunken semi-nude wrestling match to a Performing Arts major named Andrea while visiting the University of New Hampshire.... and that was only because she wouldn't let me up, and begging had already failed.

samurai6string said...

I live in West Virginia and used to work at a National Ticket Master call center here in Charleston. I had a guy call and he was getting really mad at me because i couldn't find him tickets to his concert. He was looking for Dave Mathews in Worcester. Of course he's saying "Woooosta" and i can't find it. Finally I'm like "well, I do have Dave Mathews in Warrr-chistir." Also, here any soda is called coke, whether it's a dr pepper, root beer, sprite, etc. you ask for a coke.