How To Tell When Your Local Slugger Is Off Steroids

Ways To Know When Your Local Slugger Is Off Steroids:

- "Barry hasn't wrecked a coffee machine since last summer."

- "Last summer, Sheffield and Giambi used to go to the bathroom together like girls on a double date. I just don't see that this year."

- "Sure, I moved the fences in a bit...and occasionally someone slides into second and hits the wall....but people pay to see home runs."

- "No one laughs when I say 'team chemistry' anymore."

- "The decision to lessen the fried food available at the training table has led to a startling decrease in visible back acne this summer."

- "Chicks dig the sacrifice bunt."

- Press Conference, 2008......"My client will retire after passing Babe Ruth's 714 record. He will honor the black man by allowing Mr. Aaron's record to stand...... No, it has nothing to do with the fact that he has been averaging 8 homers a year since he switched trainers."

- "Mr. Selig? Sammy Sosa's on line one....he wants to know if 'the blood of a teen virgin' is on the Banned Substances list."

- "....and Team USA Softball girls more than held their own during the exhibition game bench-clearing brawl against the Baltimore Orioles. Brady Anderson will come off the Injured List in early May."

- "Well, Mr. Steinbrenner....Hypodermic Needle expenditure is down almost 70%"

-  "I swear that like half of the player wives are pregnant this summer."

- "All right, big man....push that weight...one more rep....you're a bench press animal....you can do it....All right, good job....let's move up to 120 pounds, now"

- "People would look back on the Summer of 2004 as the End of the White Guy Era."

- "Just got back from Vegas...you can get good odds on Lou Pinella actually winning a clubhouse fight this summer."

- "The success enjoyed by Randy Johnson and Pedro Martinez has all the players trying to look skinny this summer."

- "Look at Barry's man-arry glands jiggle as he tries to beat out that soft grounder to the mound."

- "No, Sammy...even if it is legal, it won't help to put the cork in your biceps."

- "He's what you call 'regular-big,' son"

- "Mr. Sheffield sure does seem listless this summer."

- "Matsui wins all the clubhouse arm-wrestling challenges, now."

- "They call it a 'home run.' It's when they hit the ball over the wall. They had one on TV last week. I swear!"

- "Welcome to the 2006 All Star Game Tee-Ball Challenge!!"

- "It has nothing to do with steroids....my client has just come to appreciate sacrifice bunts and infield singles more since he quit lifting weights 4 hours a day."

- "How come all these people are yelling 'steroids' at Mr. Bonds, Daddy?"

  "Well, Princess.....Mr. Bonds was taking these bad drugs so he could hit the ball harder....he lied about it, broke a bunch of cherished recoreds, and will die at 45 when his kidneys shut down.....more popcorn?"

- "Pokey Reese walks away with his third All Star Game Slap Hitting Singles title"

- "How did it feel to launch homer number 14 into that October sky, Barry?"

- "Suddenly, FDR and Christopher Reeve are walking more than Bonds is."

- "So why do they have the designated hitter, then?"

- "San Francisco down one, man on third...Bonds up to bat...BOO YA!!....sacrifice bunt."

- "......just a little more wind behind that one, and it may have rolled all the way to the wall."