Friday, March 25, 2005

High Above Courtside: The Movie

 

   After conquering the blogosphere, I've turned a wandering eye to the realm of Hollywood. Monponsett Stacey is simply too important and complex a topic to be handled by two-dimensional font. In order for people to truly understand the gestalt of what we do here, it is necessary for us to utilize different mediums. The only other alternative is moving to the lake and taking up the lifestyle yourself...at which point, you'd probably come under the notice of my security team.

   That's a problem for another day. Today, we have to hammer out the fine print with the people from Ersatz Entertainment, who have financed the project. They expect big things, and they have given out a blank check to see that those big things do indeed occur.

   A movie about blogging will not be two hours of me at the keyboard, chuckling to myself as I get off a good joke, chatting with visitors, doing bong hits, cooking dinner and so forth....although such a film has been made, and it currently resides in the Smithsonian for posterity.

   No....High Above Courtside: The Movie will be a brutal and terrifying descent into the maelstrom. Life in Monponsett will be vividly brought to life. You'll smile sweetly as Baby Stace is brought to America. You'll warm as she grows up in a house with a bunch of sisters chattering in two different languages. You'll share in the triumph of her high school sports career. You'll cry as she is forced to care for her kid sister and brother during the hard times. But wait....there's more!

   You'll get caught up in a heroin-like rush of euphoria as she begins her Journal and wins the All Star Blogger Contest. You'll see the duality of a woman called both "brilliant" and "less and less funny every time" on national broadcasts. You'll fill with righteous pride as she rises from the ashes like a Phoenix, and goes on a literary rampage that leaves few Americans untouched in its' fury. When America votes to trash democracy and give Monponsett Stacey dictatorial powers, you will have been there from her humble beginnings.

   After this film is made, Hollywood will be shut down, and indigent migrant farm workers will be housed in the studios that became obsolete when the Greatest Story Ever Told II is released.

   Here's what we have negotiated so far:

- The film will be shot on location in France and Massachusetts.Duxbury, Rouen, and Monponsett will be closed for filming.

- The question of who the guaranteed Best Actress Oscar will go to for portraying Stacey is a question all of Hollywood has asked- no DEMANDED- to know. That is still being negotiated. Angelina Jolie has the looks, but she's too tall. Julie Delpy has the accent, but she just doesn't exude the wholesome sensuality of America's favorite blogger. Holly Hunter is too old, although she may get the Future Stacey role. Serena Williams has the muscles, but the Smurf is notoriously pale.

   In the end, Shannen Doherty and Alyssa Milano were locked into a room. No spectators were allowed in. There was a lot of crashing, glass breaking, screaming....and finally silence. When the casting director entered the room, he looked at the carnage and called Sarah Michelle Gellar, who was the stand-by.

- The soundtrack will be performed by Britney Spears and the survivng members of Pantera.

Rejected titles:

- God's Daughter

- Mind Gone Mad

- The Staceython

- The Last Smurf

- Revenge of the Soccer Mom

 

Weekend Assignment #52(!): Going Hollywood Picture from Hometown


 

This Week's Weekend Assignment marks its one-year anniversay -- a whole year! That's a lot of assignments and some of you have done nearly every single one. I want to thank all of you for playing along, and here's to another year of interesting assignments for weekend Journaling fun.

For this week, we go west for the star treatment:

Weekend Assignment #52: Congratulations! Hollywood is making a movie of your life, and you get to choose any actor you want to play you -- yes, even if they're dead (the things they can do with special effects!) Who do you choose and why?

Extra credit: Name the musician/band who will play the theme song to the movie.

http://journals.aol.com/johnmscalzi/bytheway/entries/3836

3 comments:

geefred53 said...

Ron Howard,because our looks and personalities are similar and we are also close in age, as far as who plays the music, it's either the "Eagles" or "Bonnie Raitt"

cneinhorn said...

ah but my movie the fishermans wife will be in oscar competition with yours and my actress Nicole Kidman will kick sara's booty, but perhaps we can have our movies come out in different years,this way there's no knock out catfight! ;-)

monponsett said...

The catfight was the high point of my movie, actually.