Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Coolest NCAA Tournament Names


  One of the more important things a mother does is name her children. Husbands get a say, but the world would be full of people named "Ace," "Bo," and "Heineken" if males held too much sway in this field.

   My own husband- who can list "scientist" as his occupation- tried to convince me that we should name all of our children after pizza toppings..."Pepperoni," "Linguica," "Onion" and so forth. "How cute will a girl named 'Pepper' be?" he asked, before I got off the couch. He forgot I was an all-state soccer player, and his voice sank back to baritone in a few hours after I caved him in.

   It is a terrific responsibility. Few things can hurt a person more than going through life with a really silly name. Beatdowns, teasing, failure to be promoted, no chance of marriage...the world can be a cruel place when your first or last name is "Phleghm," "Crapper," or "Dimwit."

   I got stuck with a rather ethnic name that was unofficially changed to "Stacey" before I was old enough to have a say in the matter. I've tried to be better to my daughters, although many people told me I should have named Gabrielle's sister, "Xena."


   I chose "Melissa," and threw in a "Charlene" after the tropical storm we had to drive through to get me to the hospital once the time came. That's about as much mirth as you can afford, unless you want your kid living in the cellar till he/she's 45 years old.

Here's a few examples of what I mean: 

- My husband swears that he went to high school with someone named "Chip Chubb". I found that hard to believe, yet rich kids do end up with names just as silly as ghetto basketball stars. Duxbury High School isn't that large, yet I knew at least 8 girls named "Missy." I checked out his yearbook, and god damn it if there wasn't a Chip Chubb there. I'm told he's a really mean cop now, and even his own wife refers to him as "Officer Chubb."

- The Today show once contacted a man named "Al Nino" during a particularly brutal hurricane season. Al, who didn't seem to be the  coldest beer in the fridge, couldn't understand why people from Honduras were calling him to complain about Hurricane Mitch.

- The town of Holden, Massachusetts supposedly has a resident named "Richard Hertz."

- 1960s minor leaguer Buster Hymen saw his career stunted by his repeated refusal to change his nickname.

- In the 1940s, 60,000 Americans went to court and had their names legally changed from either "Adolf" or "Hitler."

- Rolling Stone did a piece on struggling jazz musician Phil Atio.

- There's a guy named "Faulk" in Athol, Massachusetts.

   One of the better reasons to watch the NCAA Tournament is to sit back and laugh at the names hoisted upon innocent childern born in 1986. It's not a black thing, although the ratio of black/white players does mean that the following list will have more soul than a scouring of Duxbury High School yearbooks.

   So, without any further ado, here's the sillier names I could glean off the rosters of NCAA Tournament Teams:


Nate Funk (Creighton) ..."You were 8-72 last year....Why the playoff talk, coach?"...."Well, we made some new plays. drafted well....and we got the Funk."


JamesOn Curry (Oklahoma State) ...His brother, "SoupsOn Curry," is a junior at Johnson and Wales Cooking College in Rhode Island


Xavier Whipple (LSU)...True story....the same woman was sleeping with Xavier McDaniel and Mr. Whipple from the Charmin ads.....she had a kid who sort of looked like a 6'8" power forward, and also sort of looked like a 50-ish anal-retentive store clerk.


J'son Stamper (Minnesota) ...I was going to name my daughter G'brielle, but one look at the Minnesota recruiting class spoiled THAT one.


LucQuente White (Texas Tech)...Amazingly, he wasn't the only LucQuente in his Senior class


Pops Mensa-Bonsu (George Washington) ... This man actually doesn't exist...I just made up a name to see if you were paying attention. Once a teacher, always a teacher.... Ironically, this is how you say "Husband, I can't have sex's my time of the month" in Swahili.


Winsome Frazier (Mississippi State).....Winsome, Losesome


Jahsha Bluntt (Delaware State) ....... When he goes to parties, people roll him. His mother named him "Jahsha" to take attention away from the "Bluntt" surname.

Kevin Pittsnogle (West Virginia)....gotta be a white guy....with a trust fund. Coach's son?


Pierre Marie Altidor-Cespedes (Gonzaga)...His name is a combination of French, Spanish, Portuguese and Stupid. People with that name get beaten up by RuPaul.


Obie Trotter (Alabama A&M).... His super-absorbent brother Stayfree is really looking forward to this tournament.


Stetson Hairston (Southern Illinois)......The last Hairston with a cool name was "Happy," so this guy at least has C/W credibility. He has a brother named "Fedora."

Colt Thorpe (UTEP).........Wasn't he "The Fall Guy" a few years ago?


Lamarr Farr (Montana)....If he lived in Boston, he'd be known as "Lamahhh Fahhh."


Mo Charlo (Nevada).... "Remember the Charlo, Mo! " When he goes to San Antonio, he gets attacked by 2000 Mexicans.


Jarrett Jack (GeorgiaTech).... JJ will say "Dy-no-mite" upon request, but it will cost you. Once switched his first and last names, and was removed from Dale Jarrett's car as the Talladega 500 was starting in 2004.


Ryshaun Sunkins (Fairleigh Dickinson)....The proper spelling of Ra'Sean(see below)......Black southerners are funny when they get phonetic when naming kids.


Kelenna Azubuike (Kentucky)....pronounced, "Azubuike"


Cletis Fobbs (Louisiana-Lafayette).....With a name like that, he should be forever chasing Bo and Luke Duke through the back roads of Hazzard County.

Channing Frye (Arizona).....With a name like that, he'd BETTER be a 6'8" black guy.


Ra'Sean Dickey (Georgia Tech)....Black guy? Nahhhhhhhh.... 


Chevon Troutman (Pittsburgh)...... Somewhere in North Korea, there is a CIA assassin subconsciously programmed to kill Kim Il Song the moment someone says this guy's name backwards.

   Does "Scientific Maps" still play?


gsbrumley said...

I know a guy whose last name is "Fuka."  Yeah...for real...I've seen his ID before LoL  

I had a gym teacher named Butts LoL

There is a girl in the Cincinnati area who had a Mom who must've been really drugged up after giving birth, cuz she let the Dad name the kidding.  They say it "Espen."  

What about that whole eBay naming rights thing a couple years back?  The parents were hoping some corporation would buy the naming rights, then they'd be set to have a kid cuz of the money they'd get...but is it worth it if your kid is named "Bengay," "Trojan," "Viagra," "Marlboro Medium 100s?"  LoL  I mean...damn LoL  Wonder what ever happened to that he running around somewhere named "Vaseline Intensive Care" or "Desitin?"  LoL  

I think I have pretty normal names picked out...originally I wanted Samara, loved that name since I was a kid, but with the whole "Ring" thing...I dunno if I could do that now.  So I like Olivia Antonia for a girl, and Sebastian for a boy...can't decide on a middle name though...Sebastian might have to go on back burner, too though, cuz of "The Little Mermaid" LoL  

monponsett said...

For the right money, I'd name Melissa something like "Cialis." She could afford a better psychologist to complain about me to.

I hope Fuka didn't have a brood of brothers. Imagine them showing up to Church? "Here comes Mother Fuka and her gang o' kids."

Was the gym teacher named "Seymour Butts"...and if he was, be glad you didn't attend any pool parties he invited you to.

"Samara" is a town on the Volga River in Russia. It also means "mountain" or "guarded by God" in Old English.

cneinhorn said...

look at the fancy new format you have here!


toatway734 said...

Chip Chub?

he got off easy...Portsmouth RI HS in the mid 70s had some poor child who probably married at 18 to lose her moniker "Marsha Mello"

toatway734 said...

One more thing...obviously you are on the young side of 40 or you wouldn't think it was funny torturing oldsters with the blue font on the black background!!!!

toatway734 said...

  Does "Scientific Maps" still play?

Majestic Mapp, I believe...and don't forget good old God Shamgod.

toatway734 said...

My bad...Scientific Mapp (Florida A&M) is the older brother of Majestic Mapp (UVa)