Watch A Young Millionaire Descend Into Happy Madness

Chad Johnson Has a Reindeer in His Garage :

   He's insisting that it isn't hurt, and that he will somehow incorporate it into his end zone celebration at the end of the week. If I turn on that game and see a bloody sheet over a huge lump in the end zone, I'm either going to not let my children watch or insist that they do.

   Chad may have Dolittle-like powers of communicating with animals, but I have to think that he's shull of fit at the moment. Perhaps the deer fainted, and Chad was able to hogtie it. Or perhaps Chad has a box van, and he was able to lure the deer into it somehow. God only knows, and He may be trying not to pay attention.

   I've spent enough time in small towns  (A New Hampshire Standoff ) to know that deer aren't to be played with. A deer, when threatened, will rise up on it's hind legs and deal out repeated stiff arm shots with those cloven hooves at the end of the 400 pound body. Each one will break whatever bone it lands on.

   This is only if it doesn't kill you outright, by goring you with the antlers. It's a cruel and painful way to die, as the deer- a herbivore- will leave your broken body to be killed and eaten by wolves. I'd bet Santa doesn't get jacked much.

   One of the best episodes of When Good Times Go Bad  involved just such an incident, and the man- who had walked right up onto a mother deer who had obviously seen Bambi- may have had every bone in his body broken. It rocked.

   If this goes down, it will surge past the guy who landed the personal helicopter in the Bowe/Holyfield fight as the craziest thing I've seen happen in a sporting event.

   Chad will have to bring in Idea People to top this. I'd be glad to help, if the right money is on the table. Here's what comes off the top of my brain:

- Attack a cheerleader, and perhaps even obtain penetration

- Climb into the stands and sacrifice a virgin

- Casually hand the ball to an official... then goose him

- Grab a crack pipe and teach kids how to properly light the stem

- Take an Uzi out of the goal post padding and kill 20 people in the stands

- Orchestrate a reenactment of the Carolina cheerleaders bathroom stall incident

- Sneak up on the cornerback he just toasted and pants him

- Get his hands on a microphone, and read some Sylvia Plath poetry (Dirge for a Joker) to show fans his sensitive side

- Produce a hypodermic needle and inject himself with a triple dose of androstenodine, then run around the stadium non-stop, pretending to be a plane

- Jump into the crowd and refuse to come out, then buy hot dogs for everybody in the section

- Take himself out of the game, and stand on the sidelines without pants.