Your World Series Champion Boston Red Sox

  

  I was going to do a piece about the Red Sox/Yankee game in my last entry, but I held off. There's a fairly good chance of the Beast taking over as I write on that subject, and there's no need for that kind of open hatred in an article that was also mentioning the passing of a man of Peace.

   Respect is an important thing. That's why the cops wear the gun on the hip. The Yankees are due more respect than anyone. They have a pile of pennants, and they have Randy Johnson on the hill for tonight's opener. A winter after last year's enjoyable collapse, the Yankees return.

   They may even be the favorite. They spent like $391 zillion in the free agent market last year. I actually looked it up for an old article, and the money the Yankees spent this year could be used to buy enough F-16 fighters to acheive air superiority over Kenya......with enough left over for a B-52 with which you could terrorize the populace.

    Every game matters this season. There's a cute story in the local papers here about a bunch of kids who, in the name of goodwill, want the Sox and the Yankers to shake hands before their first Fenway game. If one of my students tried that, I'd send them to SPED classes like immediately. If there is no Them, there is no lunger a need for Us. Once that happens, everybody sorts of just roams the street killing each other. Hatred is Good.

   There's no room in my Fenway for niceties. My people waited 86 long years to rule the world, and the only thing that gets you off after that is simply another year at the top. As the Blog Boy says, there's nothing like drinking an ice-cold Bud Heavy in front of a bunch of crestfallen New York City SOBs on a dark October night. Well....he didn't say that, but the theory is still a sound one.

   In order for that to be, we will at some point have to deal with the Evil Empire. The Yankees are already dressed in black like a villain, and are filled with all sorts of unlikable fellows such as Pretty Boy Jeter, Balco Giambi, Godzilla Matsui and Randy Johnson. Johnson may be the ugliest man in any sport, but his presence in the Bronx means that the true World Series will be the ALCS.

   There's a new dynamic at work now. The Yankees no longer have us under a Ruthian curse. We force fed thema Respect Sandwich that hit them in the mouth like Varitek pimp-slapping their zillionaire third baseman. Last year, we were the smiling faces, and they were the Bucknered. Only healthy birth of my children gave me a bigger sense of relief.

   There's two kinds of cities in this nation. There are cities where the champions reside, and there are cities where they sit around and wonder what went wrong. Boston is currently ruling every sport(Boston seems assured of winning the coveted Atlantic Division crown in the NBA), and the best part of it is looking at your hands and seeing Yankee blood on it.

   I plan to enjoy this season. We were second best long enough. This year, we're the Top Dog. We walk taller. We look better. We rock harder. We **** better. The Yankees are the wannabe, while the Red Sox have kissed all the girls and made them cry.