Does a Mile Walk With A Stroller Cancel Out A 5000 Calorie Sundae?

Ahhhhhhhh....Spring in Monponsett. The full extent of my day today is pushing Gabby down to Mea's Ice Cream and geting myself a disgustingly tremendous Black Forest Sundae. Gabby, on the other hand, tends to prefer neon coloring to her ice cream. I'll straighten her out soon enough...

Before I get to that, we have the Sunday Spors to get to.

Returnabull

   Chicago enters the playoffs for the first time since whatshisname retired, and it may be the shocker of the NBA season. These guys were awful right up through the first 9 games of the season. Then, things clicked.

  Scotty Skiles finally found kids who are motivated by screaming. Ben Gordon had a fine rookie season, and Luol Deng wasn't shabby, either. Tyson Chandler and Eddie Curry shed the flop labels they were wearing. Antonio Davis has been a stern force, and bears some credit for Curry and Chandler's development(and at $13 million a year, he'd better).

   The Bulls also trusted Kirk Hinrich with the pill, and he has been superb. Jamal Crawford was never forgotten so fast. Throw in some unexpected key performances by guys like Othella Harrington and occasional starter Chris Duhon, and voila....playoff team.

   There is a bright future in Chicago. Gordon, Hinrich and Deng are signed for a few years. Imagine how good they'd be if Jay Williams had bought an X-Box instead of a Harley? Chandler looks like a keeper, but he and Curry's contracts expire this year.

   This is where it gets tricky. Eddie Curry had a fine year, and is the best low-post scorer not named Shaq in the East. He seemed to play well with both defensive specialists (Chandler and Davis). He doesn't rebound or defend, but you just can't find low-post scoring centers these days.

   His problems began just recently. He was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat. This immediately sends Reggie Lewis-like chills up the backbone of whoever will be invested in his future- especially the owner who will be paying out the long term contract he wants.

   Heart troubles in hyper-athletic millionaire kids are not unheard of, but it does raise a flag. If you read the rumor mills enough, you'll know that Curry was hitting Antonio Davis up for a loan at the beginning of the season. Ocaine-cay?

Don't hit my nose, man...

 

The New Master Tournament

   Tiger Woods is rallying to make things really interesting at the Masters tournament in Augusta. Tiger has been off his game lately, and many people are using him as a benchmark in the case against Taking A Hot Young Wife. This really takes the soul right out of a man...and a golfer just can't afford that.

   Tiger, who can hit a ball into a camera at 50 yards if asked, has been chasing the elusive ninth major for a long time now. He must enjoy winning the Masters....because up until 1990, the only black guy you'd see at that club would be tending the bar.

   Wood's 1997 Master's win (in which Fuzzy Zoeller told reporters to "get ready to eat chicken") was a landmark cultural event on a tier with Hank Aaron's 715th, Jesse Owens making Hitler look stupid, or Jackie Robinson's dignified smashing of the baseball color line.

   Will he win today? Who knows? But every time some white guy carries his clubs or prepares his 19th Hole dry martini, he's already won.

Notice how the white guy still looks all bossy?

 

Cole Blooded Shooting

   In case you were wondering why the ex-Raider kicker Cole Ford let off a few blasts with the shotty at the home of Seigfried and Roy, the sordid details are leaking out to the press this week.

   Was it a gay thing? No. Was money owed? Nope. Was Cole Ford a ringer for the big touch football game against the cast of Blue Man Group, or something. Nada. Animal rights? Well....kinda. Pure insanity? Ka-ching!

   Before I begin to explain, understand that schizophrenia often fails to manifest itself in one's exterior personality until their 20s. Mr. Ford was probably viewed as "eccentric" by his fellow Raiders, and he couldn't have been much more strange than Barrett Robbins or Warren Sapp. While I have no proof, I'd imagine he was drug-tested more frequently than, say, Jerry Rice was.

   The Associated Press lists the reason as:

   "Ford maintained he never intended to harm anyone and his actions were only intended to "warn the world of the illusionists' unhealthy danger to them and to animals," Ford's psychologist said.

"While watching Siegfied and Roy, he had a sudden realization that what was wrong with the world was linked to the illusionists' treatment, dominance and unhealthy intimacy he saw them having with their animals," Dr. Norton Roitman wrote in the report.

Ford told Roitman that he thought the entertainers' contact with their animals was related to the development of viruses such as AIDS.

"Mr. Ford was completely unguarded in his report of his beliefs of unhealthy sexual contact being committed by the illusionists against their animals," Roitman wrote."

   So.....now you know the truth. No wonder that tiger was so pissed. He was king of the jungle before he became the big fluffy pillow for the swishy illusionists.

   Cole Ford will never have to buy a beer at any circus he goes to for the rest of his life.

  

 

More Sports Star Mug Shots

- Daryl Strawberry, after managing to test positive for cocaine at a cocaine addiction treatment center. They did a fine job of editing the cop out of the picture....the cop who must have been pressing Daryl's face against the glass wall. All but the experts fail to notice it.

   Either that, or a Sleestack(?) walks among us.

 

- Al Unser Jr, who punched his GF in the face and left her on the side of the road at night. NASCAR guys just punch each other.

 

- Andre Rusminof(sic), aka Andre the Giant....who beat up a cameraman. Imagine the size of the posse that must have been sent to arrest this man, whose head is the size of a Mini Cooper.

 

- Don King, variously for Murder, Arson, Manslaughter and Extortion, I think...this was before he got Big Hair. You can kind of see him grow up in these photos, for all you Mothers who read this page.

 

- Dwight Gooden, OUI

 

 

- Charles Barkley, punched out a Milwaukee bar patron.

 

 

- Skater Alexi Yagudin was arrested for violating a Connecticut statute prohibiting, "Wimpy Haircuts."

 

- Brock Lesnar, after getting mail that may or may not have included steroids. Incidentally, he was also given an award by Avon, Connecticut authorities for "Beating Up A Man With A Wimpy Haircut."

 

- Jennifer Capriati, shoplifting or reefer

 

- Ray Lewis, after a fight in which two men were stabbed up on. He looks innocent, but I've always been a sucker.

 

Tonya Harding, after she hub-capped her husband's grill....or after the Nancying.

 

- Jeff Garcia, after he posted a Rasputinesque .237 blood alcohol level

 

- "Big Show" Paul Wight....wrestler and former Witchita State baller, who, to his dismay, had an indecent exposure case dropped due to "lack of evidence."

   His was that rare case where it is actually to one's benefit to be able to say "I was falling down drunk" in court. Either that, or they had to use the tranquilizer gun on him.

 

- Kobe Bryant, who had the fashion sense wherewithal to wear a black/white striped shirt to his booking.

 

- Kirby Puckett, 5th degree sexual assault. Keepin' In Shape Kirby has glaucoma...but try to avoid winking during the mug shot.

 

 

NBA Alternative Regular Season Awards

Most Difficult To Subdue- Micheal Olowokandi, Minnesota.... He got out of line at a nightclub, and had to be zapped twice with a Taser.......still the funniest thing I haven't been able to acquire a video of.

Best Practice Fight- Nene' of Denver (sounds like a hairstylist or a photographer) gets his wig split for no good reason at all by Kenyon Martin.

Best In-Game Fight- Micheal Olowokandi again, trading hands with Denver's splendidly-named Nene`.

Best Punch Post-Game......... Dallas' Jerry Stackhouse busts up Utah's Kirk Snyder in the parking lot.

Best Punch on a Fan- Stephen Jackson, Indiana....Artest was more fun to watch, but Jax absolutely tooled on one guy. He's the feistiest Jackson since Andrew.

Best Drug Suspension- Clifford Robinson, Golden State....he and Robert Parish in the same room is 14 feet of Pot Smoking Old Basketball Players.

Best Thing Arrested For- Qyntel Woods, Portland....Still trying to explain why his pitbull was implicated in several Portland area professional dogfights.

Best Quote- Latrell Sprewell, Minnesota.."I can't accept $14 million. I have a family to feed."

Worst Business Venture- Ron Artest's TruWarrier Records produced the debut album for Allure, a pop diva-type band. The last time I checked, they had the 233,237th spot on the Billboard charts all but locked up.

Blackest White Guy- Kirk Hinrich, Chicago (Jason Williams and Brent Barry were eliminated by prior wins)

Whitest Black Guy-  Josh Childress........You can grow an afro big enough to smuggle drugs past Customs for the Raptors games....but Stanford is Stanford. You can take the Man out of the Stanford, but you can't take the Stanford out of the Man.

Rookie Flop Of The Year-  Shaun Livingston- who has Penny Hardaway's game AND his knees- is playing to well to pin this one on him, so well go with that guy in Toronto named something almost nothing at all like Rafeal Aruajo. He is that rare tenth overall pick who can't get 10 minutes a game for a 25 win team...and every time he flies to an away game, Border Agentsthink he's a tall, clever Mexican trying to sneak into the US the really long way.

Best Sneaker Ad- LeBron James....billions of Chinese still resent his Game Of Death-like cartoons.

Best Anti-White Racial Slur- Larry Bird, saying that the NBA needs a new white superstar.

Best Anti-Black Racial Slur- Darius Miles managed to stump even me when he hurled a racial slur at fellow gentleman of color Mo Cheeks.

Best Anti-Asian Racial Slur- Kirk Snyder of Utah crossed the line after dunking on Houston's Yao Ming. To the credit of Dutch people everywhere, Houston coach Jeff Van Gundy got in his face.

Goofiest Look- Steve Nash, Phoenix.....even surfers would beat him up with that haircut. He's still Canada's Greatest Athlete.

MVP.....We have a tie. Kirk Snyder spit both racial slurs and his own blood, while Micheal Olowokandi was in a fight AND shot twice by a Taser. Nene simply refuses to fight anyone under 6'9" tall. We have a Three Way Dance....let 'em fight for it.