Cowboys and Indians

Big ol' happenings in the sports blogosphere this week.

 First... sorry about missing last week. October is always tough here at the Compound, and this October has been a doozy. Here's what's going on...

 It was decided just last night to allow full-time sportswatching status to Stacey, the regular host of the column here. Fans of the column will recall that Stacey was put into a preventative coma until the Yankees were eliminated... which, if I read the news correctly, just happened.

Stacey has been resisting her forced naps more heartily recently, as Smurfs get special powers in October. When she's awake, she complains of dreams in which she is smothered out by an evil teenager. She thinks that she has post-concussion syndrome, and we're not going to do anything to spoil that, are we?

The Patriots are dynsaty-hot. The Celtics look really, really good. The Bruins just started, and haven't lost that many games yet. The Sox no longer have to face their personal boogeyman. Her birthday is this weekend, and autumn is a lot of fun when you have kids. With all that in mind- and after a lengthy meeting involving the medical staff, the editorial board of this paper, the Colonel, Abdullah (our bookie), her immediate family, the babysitter (hi!), and a wiccan friend of Stacey's- it was decided that Stacey will be re-released onto the blogosphere after her birthday this weekend.

Since the blog job is so huge, they'll keep me around for various odds and ends. We'll also involve Abdullah, who looks Italian and crosses himself a lot for a Muslim. He's called Abdullah because "he's the butcher," and he'll provide us with some insight into our football picks. Stacey's stil sort of groggy after being smothered to sleep for like 80 straight nights, and it's best not to give her full sway in monetary matters just yet.

Granted... I wasn't born when Troy Brown was at Marshall, but I like to think that I can do better than I've done this season. All I can say is that the Texans, the Packers, the Browns, and the Bears have made a lot of people look foolish this season, and a fool and her money are soon parted.

Before we act the fool this week.... we have to discuss the Red Sox.

Now.. this is where Stacey would be handy, as I don't watch a lot of baseball. Here's what I know about the Cleveland Indians....

- They should distance themselves from the racial Indian name by adopting a more Hindu look to their uniforms. That way, they could still be the Indians... but instead of offending the people who own our casinos, they could suddenly turn on 2 billion potential new customers.

- The guy Cleveland is trotting out to pitch game one-  C.C. Sabithia- who looks to go about 295 pounds or so. This guy is fat- his idea of a balanced meal is a bucket of KFC under each arm. Fat guys can actually pitch pretty well, as the belly changes the center of gravity in such a way as to add more oomph to the pitch. See David Wells or Luis Tiant on YouTube for further insight.

- New England area teams will play Cowboys and Indians this week.

- Cleveland is one of the few cities with pro sports teams and a body of water that I have absolutely no interest in visiting. Others include Buffalo, Salt Lake City, Indianapolis and anything New Jersey.

- It's just not the same without the Yankees awaiting us. I'm not saying that it isn't BETTER, but it isn't the same.

- It's "Thome" as in "No Way," not person-with-a-harelip-saying-"home."

- It's a well-known fact that Japanese pitchers fall apart in October. OK, it's not actually a fact, but I just wanted that on the Internet somewhere.

Now... onto football.

New England has been running the NFL like a dangerous pimp, and last week saw us whallop the helpless Cleveland Browns. You pretty much saw the end of the Derek Anderson era, although ol' Romeo was too wise to throw Brady Quinn out into that blizzard of defensive pressure we were laying on them last week.

This week brings us the Cowboys. The Dallas Cowboys are undefeated, although I don't know how the pulled out last week's game with that Romo throwing 5 INTs. If they do that against us, they'll be down 38-something in no time.

Some people are calling this a Super Bowl preview, and there is a chance that we'll play the old vanilla game plan this week. I personally think that we can get away with it, as Dallas appears to be in disarray at the QB position. Something deep in my psyche sees a New England/Indy showdown of the unbeaten looming around November or so.

Texas is well-known for football, with their high school games drawing crowds that would shame the Atlanta Hawks. New England is where football began, as well as the birthplace of the tremendous Thanksgiving game tradition. Dallas has always been good, while we are currently the Top Dog.

It makes for a great matchup. Our coach is a genius, and is fully empowered under the Patriot Act to videotape the other coaches. Their coach is a rookie. Our QB knocks up actresses and dumps them for supermodels. Their QB is a Romo.

The X and Os will decide it, but Abdullah is perfectly happy with me betting huge based on the knowledge shown in that last paragraph. New England 38, Dallas 31.\

 

Cincy 31, KC 24

The best cure for a defense that can't stop anyone is an offense that can't score.

 

Jacksonville 17, Houston 14

Andrew Jackson would beat Sam Houston in a fight, so I choose his town.

 

Miami 21, Cleveland 9

Brady Quinn may not debut next week, but he should. That other kid sucks like Remora.

 

Green Bay 20, Washington 19

Green Bay can fatten up their record on chumps, but they'll never beat three good teams in a row in the playoffs.

 

Baltimore 24, St. Louis 7

Hurt QB, hurt RB, 0-5 or so, and the homicidal Ravens on tap. Thank God that St. Louis has an NBA team to keep them busy all winter. What? Oh..... never mind.

 

Chicago 16, Minnesota 13

The difference between Minnesota and Chicago is that Minnesota knew they were going to suck this season, while Chicago sort of got a kick-in-the-guts surprise.

 

Philly 24, NY Jets 21

Belly Check must have been selling those tapes around the NFL, because the Jets have been beaten like a lazy houswife by pretty much whoever stepped up to them all season long.

 

Tennessee 17, Tampa Bay 16

I wonder if people in Tampa even notice when it turns to autumn, and I don't mean "wow... only 82 degrees today" notice-it's-autumn.

 

Arizona 20, Carolina 19

In Arizona, they know it's autumn because all the illegal border crossers dress up like lost trick-or-treaters.

 

San Diego 38, Oakland 10

Oh yeah... it looks like THIS is how LT runs for 2000 yards a season... two Oakland games every fall.

 

New Orleans 20, Seattle 19

In an alternate dimension, Louisiana residents send lots of aid to tsunami-wrecked Cascadia.

 

NY Giants 30, Atlanta 7

Smart move not isolating unbeaten Dallas/New England on national TV in favor of this must-see game.