Soul On Ice

Ahhhhhhhhhhh... another 84 games of Bruins ineptitude.

Hockey will one day return to rule this land, as it once did. It just won't be this day. I look upon hockey as a big sleeping bear that will roar out of hibernation and fall upon helpless victims/fans who think that he just wants their pic-a-nic baskets. It's too innately cool not to.

That's about 10 failed NHL franchises and a radical shift in the style of play/coverage away... right now, a former third-liner like Bobby Schmatz(?) would be the best player on the Columbus Blue Jackets, with a reciprocal suckiness prevailing through the rest of the NHL. Third-liners had talent when I was a kid... right now, the talent is spread too thin.

One thing will save the NHL... the Black Man.

However they get it done, they need to get blacks (and especially Southern blacks) into hockey. I'm not trying to be racialist or anything... it's just that the NHL is leaving a very athletic 30 million people out of their orbit while the league sucks serious wind from lack of talent.

People will tell you that blacks don't skate well because they have weak ankles, while others will tell you that the broad heel of the black man will- once properly utilized- be a superior propulsion device. One of those two statements is correct, or maybe not.

I've actually heard the first one before, but I sort of cobbled the second one out of something I read someone saying in a book about Nathaniel Bedford Forrest. I think I'm the first one to apply this racial nonsense to the NHL, though. I'll allow that it may be common-yet-unspoken knowledge among the NHL's Illuminati.

Why the black man will really save the NHL is simply that- out of 30-40 million souls- there will be 250 or so who will be very good hockey players. 250 talented guys entering the NHL drops 8 good players onto each team, even cow towns like Columbus or ucking Fottawa (Bobby Heenan on the outskirts of Ottawa... "They could have an avalanche here and collect five or six hundred dollars in federal aid."). Lord knows they need it.

Liberally spread about, that's a center, two forwards, two defensemen, a goalie, a penalty-killer and a goon working their way onto each team via Darwinism... 8 guys simply came about who were better than the 8 guys who used to fill those roles. The level of play will increase, which will bring the television money in, which will eventually make everyone happy.

It's all step #1 in my evil plan to take over both New World continents as one big America. I've never trusted Canada, and- while the concept is laughable now- there was once a time when the USA was very much indeed under threat of invasion from both North and South.. perhaps concurrently. I'll be damned if my great-grandchildren will one day be cut down by the Victoriavilles of the northern barbarians.

It'll take a generation or two to get everyone south of Texas to speak English only, but we'll need the manpower to fight the goddamned Red Chinese someday anywho, no? We'll also need an ultra-secure northern flank. Hockey is where it begins. World domination may just rest on an Allen Iverson-style right wing leading Calgary into the NHL finals.