Saturday, October 2, 2004

Sexiest Athletes Poll

The Sexiest Athletes of All Time

   Now, I realize that this is a pretty subjective listing. What works for the Smurf might not work for you. That's all good, and I have a comments section for you to add things like "Chris Evert has a nose like my collie" or "I only get off on Earl Campbell thighs."

   We'll be accepting votes on this topic in the comments section, as well. Don't email me. If I left off a favorite of yours, add a post to the comments section. If I agree, I'll add him/her in.

   I'll let this poll run through Christmas, and the winner/s get their own column.

   I take a lot of things into account when judging Sex Appeal, especially in sports. Proficiency is important. Cute NFL guys who have 90 pound bench presses don't tend to be around long enough to cross my radar, though in the case of someone like Anna Kournikova (blonde, emaciated and stupid...the perfect woman, as several people who I personally IMd told me), it doesn't really matter.

   I also will send a shot out to the Offensive Linemen. There may be some GQ models lurking under those helmets, but they rarely get any TV face time. I like to think that a girl dates a QB, but marries an offensive lineman. Besides, if you marry one, you can get really fat, and still look petite.

   Some people have advantages, based entirely on what they wear to the game. The short skirts and sleeveless blouses of the tennis player, or the bikini of the beach volleyball player- they automatically will draw a man's interest...and and some women's     :- D 

    Of course, there is a converse. Many pro wrestlers simply have no business wearing those Grape Smugglers, especially in a sport more likely to have Lap-To-The-Face encounters than, say, golf.

   There's also History. Amanda Coetzer's slinkiness might not have been apparent in 1930's tennis, when the women were actually forced to compete in Plate Mail. Throw a serious haircut on Sonja Henie, and she might get a Playboy spread.

   I will also not be counting local amateur athletes. I went to Duxbury High School, which was one of those rich towns that turn out a lot of men named "Chip." I played on several soccer teams that had extremely pretty girls on the field. We used to get a lot of boys at our games, and many of them, upon questioning, couldn't recall who actually won. A teen gymnast or an NBA hardship case is fair game, though.

   Ten paragraphs, and no pictures yet. This will not do:

 

Derek Jeter-

 

   He plays for the Yankers, but we can't hold that aginst him in this column. Simply put, his cuteness is amplified by the fact that he dumped Mariah Carey. That's confidence, kids. His inclusion means A-Rod is out....I am a Red Sox fan, ya know?

 

Maria Sharapova-

   Kournikova with skill. Besides, she makes Anna look old. How tremendous is that?

 

Jim Palmer-

   Underwear ads, and fine taste in sportswriters.

 

Serena Williams-

  Sheer, wanton power. I bet she could crush a diamond between her thighs. Venus looks like a big mantis, though....Poppa Williams may want to smack up the Compton mailman.

 

Hamm-

   Be they a Mia or a Paul, they get votes. I used to see Mia in Boston now and then, and even with that big schnout, Nomar could do better. I've heard Paul described as a "Mike Madsen look-a-like."

 

Andy Roddick-

   Tennis players get a lot of votes, but the guys really don't do it for me. Still, my sister can beat me up, so he's in. A man who gets to wear shorts and a hat at work deserves some attention.

 

Ted Williams-

   Best hitter of his time, fighter pilot, fisherman, and all around Old School Tough Guy. "Splendid Splinter" sounds like a racehorse name, though. I bet Mickey Mantle would have been more fun to date...

 

David Beckham-

   Plays in shorts, always a plus. Currently tagging Posh Spice. If England killed off the Windsors and made these two King and Queen, they'd probably get India back.

 

Gabrielle Reece-

   The sexiest 6'3", 165 pound woman alive. If she failed to seduce a man, she could take him by force.

 

Monica Seles-

   Trust me...she looks good out of the tennis suit. Besides, your neighbors will view you as a God after they hear that primal scream she does...especially late at night.

 

Lance Armstrong-

 

   I like my men with 2 genitals... but if we only had one car, he could just bike everywhere.

 

Walt Frazier-

   FCC laws insist on me having at least one guy named "Clyde."

 

Katerina Witt-

 

   A little teutonic, but her performance of the death scene from Carmen could make Jack from Will and Grace go out into the streets and loudly praise heterosexuality. She also gave a world-wide televised Heisman to Italian playboy skier Alberto Tomba. The words "High Maintenance" come to mind, though...

 

Mia St. John-

   A boxer with a Playboy spread. She won a few fights before ditching her manager, who was setting up her easy fights....she then suffered a brutal KO loss. Many woman look good supine, and I'd bet she's one of them.

 

Lisa Leslie-

   While researching this, I also came across a few "Ugliest Athlete" sites. Many included "The Entire WNBA" as a contestant. Still, Lisa has it going on, and 6'9" guys have a girl to get after, now.

 

Dynasties-

   I don't mean the Yankees or the Celtics....I mean All Star Genes. I have a certain fascination with families that produce a few generations of top-notch athletes. The Hills, the Nortons, the Barrys, the Howes, the Ripkens, the Sutters, the Bryants, etc....

Still, this list would be Butt without:

The Ali Family-

   Muhammad was the Bomb, and his daughter is on the jazz as well. LA is a little quieter than her old man, but so are the other 4 billion of us. I'm a big fan of genetics, especially when entertainment is involved. If Laila marries a top-notch boxer, the kid should be a charismatic terror, and  may possibly rule the planet one day. I realize that this is how they breed horses, but Cassius is a Louisville kid, and I'm sure he'd see the logic.

 

Martina Hingis-

 

   The snooty little Swiss Miss seems to have faded into obscurity, but she still merits inclusion in this piece.

 

LeBron James-

   Kobe was here, but he seems to have fallen topieces. LeBron is young, rich, and cute. I read a funny article that said LeBron was going to personally match Carlos Boozer's offer sheet.He's also, as you can see, the "Chosen One." The hairy back hurts, though.

 

Tom Brady-

  Yummmmmmmmy

 

Ringers-

   A lot of wrestlers and journalists get their jobs entirely because of looks. Men tend to run the shows, and we get what they want us to get. I run this show, and I shall be allowing one wrestler, and one sideline journalist.

Stacey Keibler-

   Believe me, I put this question to a wrestling chat room, and debate was fierce. Many favor Torrie Wilson or Sable, who have Playboy spreads. I personally like Dawn Marie, but she didn't get the votes. Madusa Micelli, Magnificent Mimi, Cheryl Rusa, Trish Stratus, Jazz(lol) and Lita all got single votes. As far as men go, it's Randy Orton...then everyone else. Edge gets some votes, but Jay Leno laughs at his chin.

 

 

Jillian Barberie-   

 

She's the FOX NFL broadcast team weather girl. I've seen her describing the weather in Arizona, while pointing at Oregon. That alone gets her here. The 8" heels help, too. Terry Bradshaw looks at her like my dog looks at steak.

 

Jeanette Lee-    

Maybe the best female pool player alive. Definitely the most famous. Known as "The Black Widow." Many people admire a girl who canwalk into a seedy pool hall and humble someone named "8 Ball."   Good stick-handling skills, as well.

 

The Big Bossman-

 

   This is his Last Poll, and I think he could carry the Southern Female vote. If "sadistic prison guard" is something you'd put in a personal ad, cast your vote for  the late Mr. Traylor.

 

Alonzo Mourning-

  To be honest, I just love the man's name!

 

Any gymnast named "Dominique"-   

 

 Moceanu had that Kiddie Porn look about her, but she blossomed as an adult. Dawes has that power build. People loved that team, let me tell you.  

 

Howie Long-

Worst Radio Shack commercials ever, but I gotta show some love to a Charlestown kid. It's also nice to see someone trying to keep the Dolph Lundgren haircut alive.

 

Peggy Fleming-   

Sort of has that Charlie's Angel look to her, common in 1970s stars. I think she sold soup, or something.  

 

Pat Tillman-

Not many Tough Guy resumes can top one with entrieslike "NFL safety/ linebacker," "US Special Forces," and "Afghan War Veteran." Rest in peace, Big Man...

 

<FONTCOLOR=#0080FF>Mary Pierce-   

 She just dumped Robbie  Alomar, who she may have been taller than. "French" adds sex appeal as well, no?

 

Anna Kournikova-

 

Much like Ted McGinley is the patron saint of JumptheShark.com, Anna is the living proof that it is better to look well than to play well. I think she retired when teenagers started thrashing her, but she lives on forever in our Image Galleries.

 

Dennis Rodman-

   You'd think using a mug shot would be mean-spirited....but this is actually the least humiliating photo of Rodman on the entire Internet. Besides, High Above Courtside loves a man who isn't afraid to live outside of the law....even if he occasionally dyes his head yellow and wears a dress.

   Rodman fell on my sister and I at the Fleet Center once, but that is a story for another post.

 

Evel Knievel-

   It was either him or Super Dave. Marry Evel, insure him, buy a house with a lot of space, and wait for him to try to jump Mount St. Helens on a skateboard. Ka-Chinggggg!!!

 

Jennie Finch-

   TWIB notes.....hotty...have a breakfast table argument with her, and she just might throw a grapefruit through your sternum.

 

Gotta finish with Ray Bourque....I would have killed for this man all through my childhood.

39 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am truly surprised that Howie Long didn't make your list, and I don't know or care what others think, Stephie Graff always did something for me! ;)

Anonymous said...

Just for the record, Monponsett put Howie in after my previous comment :>)

Anonymous said...

I was wrong to omit the How, but Steffi Graf has a nose like a falcon.

Anonymous said...

Decisions Decisions...
Although Jillian Barberi looks ahem...very good in that pic, the whole Orgeon Arizona thing might be to distracting and Myself being of the Leprechaun family she may be a wee bit much, if you get me,...So I'd have to go with Janette Lee.

Anonymous said...

I'm only 5'1", and my bad knee hurts when I wear heels. I'd take Jillian down in a second, though...

Anonymous said...

how about Mike Piazza.  don't hear alot about him anymore, but he's still pretty dang good looking.....Tammy

Anonymous said...

Derek Jeter ... OOOHHH LA LA!! I have never been to NY...  don't think I will ever go. (Too many things happen there that I would not like to be a part of).....  But I would travel a thousand miles to sit at the table behind his JUST to know what he smells like first hand.(not right after a game... i already know what a guy smells like when he is not showered... i have a brother) I know that may sound weird-  but when i see his interviews..  he just looks like he smells like heaven....  or maybe that is what his a$$ looks like!!!   rachel

Anonymous said...

Is there ANY question?  Jillian Barberie.  She made out with Jenna Jameson, she wins.

GoodbyeLakers

Anonymous said...

Mike Lieberthal is sexy in that quiet cool way that I love in men. Besides he is a baseball player and there is nothing better in the world than a good looking guy in a baseball uniform.

Anonymous said...

I'll have to go with a tie between Jillian Barberi and Gabrielle Reece. They're both very sexy.

Anonymous said...



Gotta go for Derek Jeter here since he's up there and looking really sexy.

(although I didn't see any Men Ice Skaters so I'll put a nomination in for Philippe Candeloro)

On the other hand..can I have a second nom for Evander Holyfeld?

Is it getting warm in here?

Tasia
http://journals.aol.com/phantasiadream/SouthernersandSquirrels/

Anonymous said...

DEFINETELY Andy Roddick, he's becoming more and more sexy as days go on lol

Anonymous said...

Andy Roddick.  He is soooo cute! He is sooooooooo sexy!

Anonymous said...

ok...so i do have to totally agree with andy roddick and david beckham being on your list. and i respect your decision to include stacey keibler (sp) on your list, even though in my opinion she isn't much of an athlete.  i mean hey, i can prance around my living room in a bikini and high heels too...where's my WWE contract...lol.  but i'm a little disappointed that the rock (since you've included wrestlers in your poll) and alonzo mourning didn't make it.  just a suggestion...have your sister check out one of lonzo's pics...dayum is he hot for a middle-aged man.

Anonymous said...

I would pick Laura Davies of Golf Fame because you get more for your money. Also, she used to be a circus performer. She would crawl out onto the stage and try to stand up!...:-)

Anonymous said...

150% correct on Alonzo Mourning.....error rectified.

Anonymous said...

Sexiest girl in sports, without a doubt is Logan Tom.

Anonymous said...

1. Jillian 2. Gabrielle 3. Maria  Great feature,Monponsett. bdb

Anonymous said...

I'm going strictly superficial here. Derek Jeter--there are no words, simply delicious!
However, you missed my favorite #11 Carl Malone--has bald ever been so beautiful????
For the gals (yes, I am woman enough to give kudos to my gender)--I would say Jillian Barberie. Although she is not technically an athlete (that I know of anyway), the fact that she can wear those Jimmy Choo shoes and point with a stick at the same time while fending off jabs from Steve Edwards and the ever adorable Terry Bradshaw puts her guiltlessly on my list! :>
Perhaps one good deed deserves another--that being said I would love to share my AOL journal entries with the public, however, I am completley computer stupid and cannot figure out how to add the link. So, if you can find it, it is titled; NOTES TO SELF and there are 3 entries that I would LOVE feedback on; Music, Self discovery and Middle age, Free will and the medical profession and lastly, First love. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Thanks to Monponsett, and my beautiful 18 year old daughter who knows more about this than I do, I added my journal link below (Just copy and paste, I presume). Hope you enjoy!
Thanks, Mon and Court!

http://journals.aol.com/ejcbtheshamrock4/Notetoself/entries/229/

Anonymous said...

Definitely David Beckham.

Anonymous said...

Hey, you have to put Henrik Zetterberg of the Red Wings on the list. He has that "I just rolled out of bed, but I wasn't sleeping" look.


AvsNo26Rocks

Anonymous said...

How did the pic of Brandi Chastain pulling off her jersey and showing off her sports bra not make this gallery?  

And zero votes so far for Jennie Finch?  You gotta be kiddin' me!  I volunteer to console her after this poll is over.  She's definitely my "sleeper" pick!

Anonymous said...

I've never seen a top-notch athlete look worse when partially stripped...that's how

Anonymous said...

Some people are seriously going to disagree with my choice for sexiest athlete. but my vote goes to Martina Navritilova.

IMO, the largest aspect of sexiness is strength of character, and Martina showed hers when she shouldered the "lesbian load" with Billy Jean King before the semi-educated politically-correct bourgeois deemed being lesbian to be "chic."

She still looks REAL good hawking Subaru's saying she plays like a girl.

My hat is off to Martina!

Anonymous said...

Lisa Leslie does it for me!! At 6'0 I can only dream of a slow dance.

Anonymous said...

Katerina Witt, absolutely no doubt.

Anonymous said...

Katerina Witt; old school but in her day.......

Anonymous said...

We have our own Mendoza Line here....we'll call it the Namath line. It refers to people who are thisdamnclose to having me open the article and add them. A couple of Pro comments gets them on the List, with a pic. They are:

- Joe Namath

- Steffi Graf

- Air Jordan

-Gabriella Sabatini

- Summer Saunders

- Debbie Thomas

- Flo-Jo

- Warren Moon

- Joe Montana

- Doug Flutie

- Troy Brown

- Joe Delaney

- Shaq

- Pat Riley

- Trish Stratus

- Jess Atkinson

- The Rock

- Stephanie McMahon

- Marcus Allen

- Tracey McGrady

- Marvelous Marvin Hagler

- Michelle Kwan

- Brian Bosworth

- Carling Bassett


 

Anonymous said...

Katerina Witt is dicey... even in her heyday they had to use the blurry Liz Taylor lens for closeups. Unretouched photos in real daylight show the unvarnished truth: "Ridden hard and put away wet."

Michelle Kwan is beautiful, but Kristi Yamaguchi really melts my ice. And funny too! Remember those WENDYS spots on TV?

Anonymous said...

Stefi, and you left Howie off again! lol

Anonymous said...

Oooops, pardon me.I misread your last, you do have Howie there

Anonymous said...

Serena, Gaby Reece, and Jenny Finch.  It's hard to talk when your tongue gets hard.

Anonymous said...

One of my personal favorites is Kristi Yamaguchi...US Figure Skater.
Being 34 and in my generation...I think we were all in love with Mary Lou.
And for some reason... Marion Jones.

I am not a judge on Guys...my sexiest Male athlete vote obviously is for me.

However, I studied Ju Jistu from the age of 13 through 21.... my favorite sport is no holds barred fighting. Ultimate Fighting Championship and Pride fighting Championship. My Girl friend is madly in love with a few of the fighters who frequent the sport.

She is most madly in Love with Guy Metzger.. who also is very well known for being very good a Pancrease....

Her second UFC/Pride heart throb is Ken Shamrock's little brother Frank Shamrock...who is also very good at Pancrease.

Outside of that sport and on to Boxing... she would trade me, my house, my car, My bike, my dog, my dog's house and food bowl, for about 5 minutes with Oscar De La Hoya.

Seems she is very attracted to violence...hmmm, makes me wonder why she gets so mad when I smack that ahhhhh well, nevermind.

Anonymous said...

Hubby always had a thing for Steffi Graf, eh, I don't see the appeal, but then again, I'm not a guy.

Now, I agree with Derek Jeter, Go Yankees!!! hehehe  ;-)  May the curse of the Bambino live forever!

Surely you couldn't find a better photo of Rodman?  I know he's a little out there, but the guy is kinda hot.  In a kinda weird way.  

Good list all in all!  :-)

~JerseyGirl  

Anonymous said...

Considering the wide range of opinions, you did great overall with your picks. Monica Seles is right on the money(ive always wanted to see if I could make her scream off the court the way she does on it) and Katerina Witt is also a great pick. Jennie Finch is overrated and not really that attractive and while adding Pat Tillman because of what he has done off the field is admirable, if he wasnt famous for his Service, he probably wouldnt even be mentioned on your list. Lisa Leslie is a downright dog. Stacy Kiebler is a brilliant choice but adding Stephanie McMahon wouldnt be a bad idea.

Obvious omissions....Steffi Graf, Kelly Slater, Beckhams teammate Raul, Stacy Dragila(love how she handles the pole), Laird Hamilton, Amy Acuff, and if Jillian Barberie qualifies then she is a minor league babe compared to Lee Ann Tweeden.




Anonymous said...

Secretariat. Powerful, sleek, great hair, best legs ever - 'nuff said.

Anonymous said...

sue bird http://www.absolutenow.com/photos/10087994.html

Anonymous said...

Alright Brady and Jeter deffinately deserve a spot on the list! But what about some other guys, such as...

Gabe Kapler
Jason Varitek
Johnny Damon
Alex Rodriguez
Ricky Davis
Tori Hunter
Mike Vrabel
Ty Law
Dwayne Wade!