Sexiest Athletes Poll

The Sexiest Athletes of All Time

   Now, I realize that this is a pretty subjective listing. What works for the Smurf might not work for you. That's all good, and I have a comments section for you to add things like "Chris Evert has a nose like my collie" or "I only get off on Earl Campbell thighs."

   We'll be accepting votes on this topic in the comments section, as well. Don't email me. If I left off a favorite of yours, add a post to the comments section. If I agree, I'll add him/her in.

   I'll let this poll run through Christmas, and the winner/s get their own column.

   I take a lot of things into account when judging Sex Appeal, especially in sports. Proficiency is important. Cute NFL guys who have 90 pound bench presses don't tend to be around long enough to cross my radar, though in the case of someone like Anna Kournikova (blonde, emaciated and stupid...the perfect woman, as several people who I personally IMd told me), it doesn't really matter.

   I also will send a shot out to the Offensive Linemen. There may be some GQ models lurking under those helmets, but they rarely get any TV face time. I like to think that a girl dates a QB, but marries an offensive lineman. Besides, if you marry one, you can get really fat, and still look petite.

   Some people have advantages, based entirely on what they wear to the game. The short skirts and sleeveless blouses of the tennis player, or the bikini of the beach volleyball player- they automatically will draw a man's interest...and and some women's     :- D 

    Of course, there is a converse. Many pro wrestlers simply have no business wearing those Grape Smugglers, especially in a sport more likely to have Lap-To-The-Face encounters than, say, golf.

   There's also History. Amanda Coetzer's slinkiness might not have been apparent in 1930's tennis, when the women were actually forced to compete in Plate Mail. Throw a serious haircut on Sonja Henie, and she might get a Playboy spread.

   I will also not be counting local amateur athletes. I went to Duxbury High School, which was one of those rich towns that turn out a lot of men named "Chip." I played on several soccer teams that had extremely pretty girls on the field. We used to get a lot of boys at our games, and many of them, upon questioning, couldn't recall who actually won. A teen gymnast or an NBA hardship case is fair game, though.

   Ten paragraphs, and no pictures yet. This will not do:

 

Derek Jeter-

 

   He plays for the Yankers, but we can't hold that aginst him in this column. Simply put, his cuteness is amplified by the fact that he dumped Mariah Carey. That's confidence, kids. His inclusion means A-Rod is out....I am a Red Sox fan, ya know?

 

Maria Sharapova-

   Kournikova with skill. Besides, she makes Anna look old. How tremendous is that?

 

Jim Palmer-

   Underwear ads, and fine taste in sportswriters.

 

Serena Williams-

  Sheer, wanton power. I bet she could crush a diamond between her thighs. Venus looks like a big mantis, though....Poppa Williams may want to smack up the Compton mailman.

 

Hamm-

   Be they a Mia or a Paul, they get votes. I used to see Mia in Boston now and then, and even with that big schnout, Nomar could do better. I've heard Paul described as a "Mike Madsen look-a-like."

 

Andy Roddick-

   Tennis players get a lot of votes, but the guys really don't do it for me. Still, my sister can beat me up, so he's in. A man who gets to wear shorts and a hat at work deserves some attention.

 

Ted Williams-

   Best hitter of his time, fighter pilot, fisherman, and all around Old School Tough Guy. "Splendid Splinter" sounds like a racehorse name, though. I bet Mickey Mantle would have been more fun to date...

 

David Beckham-

   Plays in shorts, always a plus. Currently tagging Posh Spice. If England killed off the Windsors and made these two King and Queen, they'd probably get India back.

 

Gabrielle Reece-

   The sexiest 6'3", 165 pound woman alive. If she failed to seduce a man, she could take him by force.

 

Monica Seles-

   Trust me...she looks good out of the tennis suit. Besides, your neighbors will view you as a God after they hear that primal scream she does...especially late at night.

 

Lance Armstrong-

 

   I like my men with 2 genitals... but if we only had one car, he could just bike everywhere.

 

Walt Frazier-

   FCC laws insist on me having at least one guy named "Clyde."

 

Katerina Witt-

 

   A little teutonic, but her performance of the death scene from Carmen could make Jack from Will and Grace go out into the streets and loudly praise heterosexuality. She also gave a world-wide televised Heisman to Italian playboy skier Alberto Tomba. The words "High Maintenance" come to mind, though...

 

Mia St. John-

   A boxer with a Playboy spread. She won a few fights before ditching her manager, who was setting up her easy fights....she then suffered a brutal KO loss. Many woman look good supine, and I'd bet she's one of them.

 

Lisa Leslie-

   While researching this, I also came across a few "Ugliest Athlete" sites. Many included "The Entire WNBA" as a contestant. Still, Lisa has it going on, and 6'9" guys have a girl to get after, now.

 

Dynasties-

   I don't mean the Yankees or the Celtics....I mean All Star Genes. I have a certain fascination with families that produce a few generations of top-notch athletes. The Hills, the Nortons, the Barrys, the Howes, the Ripkens, the Sutters, the Bryants, etc....

Still, this list would be Butt without:

The Ali Family-

   Muhammad was the Bomb, and his daughter is on the jazz as well. LA is a little quieter than her old man, but so are the other 4 billion of us. I'm a big fan of genetics, especially when entertainment is involved. If Laila marries a top-notch boxer, the kid should be a charismatic terror, and  may possibly rule the planet one day. I realize that this is how they breed horses, but Cassius is a Louisville kid, and I'm sure he'd see the logic.

 

Martina Hingis-

 

   The snooty little Swiss Miss seems to have faded into obscurity, but she still merits inclusion in this piece.

 

LeBron James-

   Kobe was here, but he seems to have fallen topieces. LeBron is young, rich, and cute. I read a funny article that said LeBron was going to personally match Carlos Boozer's offer sheet.He's also, as you can see, the "Chosen One." The hairy back hurts, though.

 

Tom Brady-

  Yummmmmmmmy

 

Ringers-

   A lot of wrestlers and journalists get their jobs entirely because of looks. Men tend to run the shows, and we get what they want us to get. I run this show, and I shall be allowing one wrestler, and one sideline journalist.

Stacey Keibler-

   Believe me, I put this question to a wrestling chat room, and debate was fierce. Many favor Torrie Wilson or Sable, who have Playboy spreads. I personally like Dawn Marie, but she didn't get the votes. Madusa Micelli, Magnificent Mimi, Cheryl Rusa, Trish Stratus, Jazz(lol) and Lita all got single votes. As far as men go, it's Randy Orton...then everyone else. Edge gets some votes, but Jay Leno laughs at his chin.

 

 

Jillian Barberie-   

 

She's the FOX NFL broadcast team weather girl. I've seen her describing the weather in Arizona, while pointing at Oregon. That alone gets her here. The 8" heels help, too. Terry Bradshaw looks at her like my dog looks at steak.

 

Jeanette Lee-    

Maybe the best female pool player alive. Definitely the most famous. Known as "The Black Widow." Many people admire a girl who canwalk into a seedy pool hall and humble someone named "8 Ball."   Good stick-handling skills, as well.

 

The Big Bossman-

 

   This is his Last Poll, and I think he could carry the Southern Female vote. If "sadistic prison guard" is something you'd put in a personal ad, cast your vote for  the late Mr. Traylor.

 

Alonzo Mourning-

  To be honest, I just love the man's name!

 

Any gymnast named "Dominique"-   

 

 Moceanu had that Kiddie Porn look about her, but she blossomed as an adult. Dawes has that power build. People loved that team, let me tell you.  

 

Howie Long-

Worst Radio Shack commercials ever, but I gotta show some love to a Charlestown kid. It's also nice to see someone trying to keep the Dolph Lundgren haircut alive.

 

Peggy Fleming-   

Sort of has that Charlie's Angel look to her, common in 1970s stars. I think she sold soup, or something.  

 

Pat Tillman-

Not many Tough Guy resumes can top one with entrieslike "NFL safety/ linebacker," "US Special Forces," and "Afghan War Veteran." Rest in peace, Big Man...

 

<FONTCOLOR=#0080FF>Mary Pierce-   

 She just dumped Robbie  Alomar, who she may have been taller than. "French" adds sex appeal as well, no?

 

Anna Kournikova-

 

Much like Ted McGinley is the patron saint of JumptheShark.com, Anna is the living proof that it is better to look well than to play well. I think she retired when teenagers started thrashing her, but she lives on forever in our Image Galleries.

 

Dennis Rodman-

   You'd think using a mug shot would be mean-spirited....but this is actually the least humiliating photo of Rodman on the entire Internet. Besides, High Above Courtside loves a man who isn't afraid to live outside of the law....even if he occasionally dyes his head yellow and wears a dress.

   Rodman fell on my sister and I at the Fleet Center once, but that is a story for another post.

 

Evel Knievel-

   It was either him or Super Dave. Marry Evel, insure him, buy a house with a lot of space, and wait for him to try to jump Mount St. Helens on a skateboard. Ka-Chinggggg!!!

 

Jennie Finch-

   TWIB notes.....hotty...have a breakfast table argument with her, and she just might throw a grapefruit through your sternum.

 

Gotta finish with Ray Bourque....I would have killed for this man all through my childhood.