Trade A-Rod, Buy Mauritania

The Yankees paid $190 million for the pleasure of losing the ALCS. Here's what you can buy for $190 million:

- Roughly 200 tons of marijuana....or so I'm told.

- given a fair volume discount and the continuity of the Dollar Menu, one could have 63 million Double cheeseburgers, fries and cokes. One could also get 87 million Big Dave's Bacon Deluxes.

- I stole this from Sportz Assassin, but each US citizen could have 70 cents

- You could rape the hotel staff at Vail 27 times. You could also shut Vanessa Bryant up 78 times, even when you are admitting to sodomizing a hotel clerk.

- You could buy all the real estate in Monponsett, and you could still have a big party afterwards where you throw million dolar bills into the fireplace.

- The entire American League All Star team, with money left over to sign every teenager in the Dominican Republic to a developmental deal.  

- You could start 5 Shaqs, and bring 1.3 more Shaqs off the bench.

- You could subscribe to AOL for 7,600,000 months.

- Go to Lockheed-Martin and buy 7 F-16s, and a B-52 bomber. Train a few of your buddies to fly, and you have an air force that's quite capable of gaining air superiority over a developing nation like Senegal or Mauritania.

- You could have Nancy Kerrigan's right knee smashed in with a pipe 380,000 times

- Rather than come in with the B-52, you could buy every person in Senegal a George Foreman Fat Burning Grill

- At current NYNEX long-distance rates, you could call everybody in the world with a working phone, and insult them for 23 seconds each.

- You could hire Celine Dion to sing for you, one show a day, for 25 years. You'd have 1.2 million left over to buy a Walkman, 25 years worth of batteries, and enough CDs to drown out that awful Titanic song.

- You could go to Ottawa, say "Enough already!", and personally settle the NHL labor dispute.

- You could move to Senegal, and offer everyone there $20 to move to Mauritania.

- You can capture and eat all 30 remaining Yangtze River Dolphins, the rarest species of edible animal in the world.

- You could buy 30000 Zambonis, and go make Siberia nice and smooth.

- You could suddenly cancel the Daytona 500 by hiring every team driver to take part in a sled race down the side of Mount McKinley.

- You could make full body armor out of $100 bills, packed thickenough to stop hollow point shells.....for 3,275 people.

- You could get 70 million people hooked on Oxycontin, provided that you buy the drugs from Canada.

- Hire James Earl Jones and his sons, who he would train in oration, to answer your phone for you for 165 years.

- Hire Iron Mike Tyson to "visit" absolutely anyone who has crossed you in life. "Steal my boyfriend before the Junior Prom, will you? Yeah, 10 years is a long time, I agree. Meet my new associate, Mr. Tyson."

- Use actual Senators, active and retired,  for the new Washington Senators baseball team. I'm thinking Dole(he can just wedge a bat into that Pencil Hand), Helms and Kennedy as my leadoff inning, with Clinton batting clean-up.

- Hire Demi Moore, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, The Rock, Renee Zelwegger, Sean Connery, Sarah Michelle Gellar and whoever else I am into to star in a film where the plot consists entirely of movie stars trying to seduce a retired teacher/wannabe sportswriter.

- You could create a Suzi-Q pastry large enough to obscure the entire nation of Canada.

- Capture the Loch Ness Monster, and spit-fry him over a carefully-arsonized Versailles.

- Add 65 million boxes of Earl Grey Tea to Boston Harbor....oh wait, that's been done before.

- Book a flight to Mars with the Russian space program. Depart from a launch pad in Kazahkstan. Once on Mars, construct a big sand structure, consisting of an arrow pointing towards Earth, with the expression "I'm with Stupid" under it.

- Pay everyone in Europe to start calling Mia Hamm's sport "Soccer."

- Buy Rafael Palmiero's remaining dignity and some Viagra stock, then start doing magazine ads with captions like "Be Impotent, Look Impo'tent" and "She'll laugh it off when you have $75 million....what's in your wallet?"

"Hell....sometimes I take 3 at once, and go down to the junior college in my Maserati"