Disturbing The Priest

 

Most of you don't know that I spent a lot of 2005 involved in Katrina relief work. During that time, I established a rapport with the Pastor of the Trinity Church in Covington, Louisiana. Here's the addy... http://www.trinitychurchonline.net/index.html

I (well...actually...Jamie Mottram and Bob Wooldridge) got him a FAT free radio ad played nationally on AOL, and I also got him some much-needed warehouse space. I aoperated a message board that helped people get in contact with missing family memebrs. I even housed refugees.

 Toot Toot my own horn, yes....

I have friends in Louisiana, and I was driven by that to become involved when Katrina basically smashed their hometown into wet kindling. They're fine, now... I spent a chunk of this summer visiting there, and they basically own a plantation. Pure Southern Luxury.

But I still keep in touch with Pastor Sprague....... we still trade emails now and then.... the motherlover works like a hungry immigrant, and God is lucky to have that man on  His side.

But I'm a bottom-line kind of girl.... and don't try to shove that soul-caging Eternal Reward stuff down my throat when I want something tangible.... so it's time call in Pastor Sprague's marker.

From the "Sent Mail" section of Monponsett's AOL account:

 

Pastor Sprague,  

You owe me...

I got you a free national radio ad during the greatest crisis your flock ever faced, as well as leaning on the guy who got you the warehouse space..... and, while some might not want to put the squeeze on a Pastor. I'm not above such things.   It's time to collect.  

At the next mass (or whatever you Southerners call it... I was drafted by the Catholics, myself) you preach.... and at every Mass afterwards until All Saints Day (unless there's a lot of rain in the New England area, which will lengthen the time needed) ... I want a public prayer for the Boston Red Sox to win the 2007 World Series. Don't play it for comedy, either... I want God listening seriously when you address Him.  

Now.. I know that there are souls to pray for, hungry to feed, poor to help along, and so forth... and that's all well and good. I know you've been working tirelessly helping out after Katrina, and I appreciate that (and I'm not alone).... but, like, all those people can wait a couple weeks, no?  

I mean... I'm trying to cover all the bases. I've spoken with a Muslim friend of mine who handles my illegal sports booking, and he assured me that he'd go to his Imam with my request. My attorney will be speaking to his Rabbi. I smoke a little grass now and then, so Buddha is covered. I live near Boston... which is essentially Dublin West....so I figure that the Catholics are already locked in. You're my Baptist.  

Now, stop all this clowning around with the Katrina victims and get to work. Don't make me have to come down there.  

- Stacey

 

 

Update.... Sprague works quick, I'll give him that:

 

 Stacey,  

You got it!!!!!!!!!!    

Everyone down here is for Boston! I don't know one person in the south who isn't cheering for the SOX. Honest.  

It's a done deal. Boston's got it. Even this old Orioles fan is sold out to the Sox this world series. Actually its anybody but the Yankees. Sox in 6 games.

We are even now.  

Sleep easy.  

- Pastor Michael

Tags: Red Sox, Katrina, Trinity Church

Massachusetts Uber Alles

As the smoke stench from the ruined Meza Luna wafts across the bay into my window... we have a whole heckuvalot to talk about.

Manny, bases loaded, 1-2, 1st inning... Carmona throwing straight 90s at him... on the coach at home, UMJ.

Grand Salami! J.D. Drew just matched his regular season RBI total in one swing.

Baseball is my least favorite sport. It's high drama, no doubt.... I just never could play it. My eyesight is too bad (or, as I like to say, the ball is too small), and I don't really like to have stuff thrown at me. I spend a lot of time going EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK when I play baseball, which isn't often.

Now, get me on the court, and I'm trouble... last week, I messed around and had a triple double.... but I digress.

The Sox will be dead or alive by the time you read this, so we'll just sort of let them work that out for themselves. We're here to talk football, as I sort of neglected to do it during the week because I was Otherwise Occupied. We did get a bit of Miami talk out of the Monponsett AOL interview, so we can skip that other than to predict a 17-13 Patriots win, well below the 74 point spread that I think Vegas is providing.

 

Tennessee 13, Houston 10

When in doubt, bet on the team which has sucked less historically 

 

Tampa Bay 17, Detroit 16

More history... Detroit once lost the Battle Of Detroit. Bet Tampa. 

 

New Orleans 28, Atlanta 19

 I wonder if anyone has forcibly sodomized Mike Vick yet in the joint.

 

Baltimore 24. Buffalo 17

 If they have... Vick may have looked back at the man and said "Well... still beats living in Buffalo."

 

NY Giants 28, San Fran 14

 NFL teams should all keep at least one actual Giant on their rosters to block field goals and stuff.

 

Washington 20, Arizona 17

 They'd bring some guys back from the most recent Cardinals team that won a NFL championship, except that it's easier to find a Spanish-American War veteran.

 

KC 24, Oakland 20

 Tony Gonzalez is so elusive, he snuck into Missouri from Mexico without touching Texas.

 

Cincy 38, NY Jets 27

Mangina will be coaching Brewster High at this time next year. 

 

Dallas 28, Minny 13

Dallas should do OK now that they're back in the JV games.

 

Philly 16, Chicago 13

Chicago will get like 7 sacks and still lose.

 

St. Louis 28, Seattle 27

 They gotta win sometime. I choose Now.

 

Denver 17, Pittsburgh 15

 6-1, Red Sox... and it's fitting that our Navajo player may have driven the last nail into the Indians.

 

Indy 24, Jacksonville 17

Peyton Manning is the only non-Yankee that I actually want to see suffer some catastrophic injury. I know, it's wrong. Deal (v).

If Joe Loong still was at AOL, I wouldn't be having these problems...

I want that picture bigger...

"Run Run Run From The Ghetto Bird..."

Soul On Ice

Ahhhhhhhhhhh... another 84 games of Bruins ineptitude.

Hockey will one day return to rule this land, as it once did. It just won't be this day. I look upon hockey as a big sleeping bear that will roar out of hibernation and fall upon helpless victims/fans who think that he just wants their pic-a-nic baskets. It's too innately cool not to.

That's about 10 failed NHL franchises and a radical shift in the style of play/coverage away... right now, a former third-liner like Bobby Schmatz(?) would be the best player on the Columbus Blue Jackets, with a reciprocal suckiness prevailing through the rest of the NHL. Third-liners had talent when I was a kid... right now, the talent is spread too thin.

One thing will save the NHL... the Black Man.

However they get it done, they need to get blacks (and especially Southern blacks) into hockey. I'm not trying to be racialist or anything... it's just that the NHL is leaving a very athletic 30 million people out of their orbit while the league sucks serious wind from lack of talent.

People will tell you that blacks don't skate well because they have weak ankles, while others will tell you that the broad heel of the black man will- once properly utilized- be a superior propulsion device. One of those two statements is correct, or maybe not.

I've actually heard the first one before, but I sort of cobbled the second one out of something I read someone saying in a book about Nathaniel Bedford Forrest. I think I'm the first one to apply this racial nonsense to the NHL, though. I'll allow that it may be common-yet-unspoken knowledge among the NHL's Illuminati.

Why the black man will really save the NHL is simply that- out of 30-40 million souls- there will be 250 or so who will be very good hockey players. 250 talented guys entering the NHL drops 8 good players onto each team, even cow towns like Columbus or ucking Fottawa (Bobby Heenan on the outskirts of Ottawa... "They could have an avalanche here and collect five or six hundred dollars in federal aid."). Lord knows they need it.

Liberally spread about, that's a center, two forwards, two defensemen, a goalie, a penalty-killer and a goon working their way onto each team via Darwinism... 8 guys simply came about who were better than the 8 guys who used to fill those roles. The level of play will increase, which will bring the television money in, which will eventually make everyone happy.

It's all step #1 in my evil plan to take over both New World continents as one big America. I've never trusted Canada, and- while the concept is laughable now- there was once a time when the USA was very much indeed under threat of invasion from both North and South.. perhaps concurrently. I'll be damned if my great-grandchildren will one day be cut down by the Victoriavilles of the northern barbarians.

It'll take a generation or two to get everyone south of Texas to speak English only, but we'll need the manpower to fight the goddamned Red Chinese someday anywho, no? We'll also need an ultra-secure northern flank. Hockey is where it begins. World domination may just rest on an Allen Iverson-style right wing leading Calgary into the NHL finals.

Cowboys and Indians

Big ol' happenings in the sports blogosphere this week.

 First... sorry about missing last week. October is always tough here at the Compound, and this October has been a doozy. Here's what's going on...

 It was decided just last night to allow full-time sportswatching status to Stacey, the regular host of the column here. Fans of the column will recall that Stacey was put into a preventative coma until the Yankees were eliminated... which, if I read the news correctly, just happened.

Stacey has been resisting her forced naps more heartily recently, as Smurfs get special powers in October. When she's awake, she complains of dreams in which she is smothered out by an evil teenager. She thinks that she has post-concussion syndrome, and we're not going to do anything to spoil that, are we?

The Patriots are dynsaty-hot. The Celtics look really, really good. The Bruins just started, and haven't lost that many games yet. The Sox no longer have to face their personal boogeyman. Her birthday is this weekend, and autumn is a lot of fun when you have kids. With all that in mind- and after a lengthy meeting involving the medical staff, the editorial board of this paper, the Colonel, Abdullah (our bookie), her immediate family, the babysitter (hi!), and a wiccan friend of Stacey's- it was decided that Stacey will be re-released onto the blogosphere after her birthday this weekend.

Since the blog job is so huge, they'll keep me around for various odds and ends. We'll also involve Abdullah, who looks Italian and crosses himself a lot for a Muslim. He's called Abdullah because "he's the butcher," and he'll provide us with some insight into our football picks. Stacey's stil sort of groggy after being smothered to sleep for like 80 straight nights, and it's best not to give her full sway in monetary matters just yet.

Granted... I wasn't born when Troy Brown was at Marshall, but I like to think that I can do better than I've done this season. All I can say is that the Texans, the Packers, the Browns, and the Bears have made a lot of people look foolish this season, and a fool and her money are soon parted.

Before we act the fool this week.... we have to discuss the Red Sox.

Now.. this is where Stacey would be handy, as I don't watch a lot of baseball. Here's what I know about the Cleveland Indians....

- They should distance themselves from the racial Indian name by adopting a more Hindu look to their uniforms. That way, they could still be the Indians... but instead of offending the people who own our casinos, they could suddenly turn on 2 billion potential new customers.

- The guy Cleveland is trotting out to pitch game one-  C.C. Sabithia- who looks to go about 295 pounds or so. This guy is fat- his idea of a balanced meal is a bucket of KFC under each arm. Fat guys can actually pitch pretty well, as the belly changes the center of gravity in such a way as to add more oomph to the pitch. See David Wells or Luis Tiant on YouTube for further insight.

- New England area teams will play Cowboys and Indians this week.

- Cleveland is one of the few cities with pro sports teams and a body of water that I have absolutely no interest in visiting. Others include Buffalo, Salt Lake City, Indianapolis and anything New Jersey.

- It's just not the same without the Yankees awaiting us. I'm not saying that it isn't BETTER, but it isn't the same.

- It's "Thome" as in "No Way," not person-with-a-harelip-saying-"home."

- It's a well-known fact that Japanese pitchers fall apart in October. OK, it's not actually a fact, but I just wanted that on the Internet somewhere.

Now... onto football.

New England has been running the NFL like a dangerous pimp, and last week saw us whallop the helpless Cleveland Browns. You pretty much saw the end of the Derek Anderson era, although ol' Romeo was too wise to throw Brady Quinn out into that blizzard of defensive pressure we were laying on them last week.

This week brings us the Cowboys. The Dallas Cowboys are undefeated, although I don't know how the pulled out last week's game with that Romo throwing 5 INTs. If they do that against us, they'll be down 38-something in no time.

Some people are calling this a Super Bowl preview, and there is a chance that we'll play the old vanilla game plan this week. I personally think that we can get away with it, as Dallas appears to be in disarray at the QB position. Something deep in my psyche sees a New England/Indy showdown of the unbeaten looming around November or so.

Texas is well-known for football, with their high school games drawing crowds that would shame the Atlanta Hawks. New England is where football began, as well as the birthplace of the tremendous Thanksgiving game tradition. Dallas has always been good, while we are currently the Top Dog.

It makes for a great matchup. Our coach is a genius, and is fully empowered under the Patriot Act to videotape the other coaches. Their coach is a rookie. Our QB knocks up actresses and dumps them for supermodels. Their QB is a Romo.

The X and Os will decide it, but Abdullah is perfectly happy with me betting huge based on the knowledge shown in that last paragraph. New England 38, Dallas 31.\

 

Cincy 31, KC 24

The best cure for a defense that can't stop anyone is an offense that can't score.

 

Jacksonville 17, Houston 14

Andrew Jackson would beat Sam Houston in a fight, so I choose his town.

 

Miami 21, Cleveland 9

Brady Quinn may not debut next week, but he should. That other kid sucks like Remora.

 

Green Bay 20, Washington 19

Green Bay can fatten up their record on chumps, but they'll never beat three good teams in a row in the playoffs.

 

Baltimore 24, St. Louis 7

Hurt QB, hurt RB, 0-5 or so, and the homicidal Ravens on tap. Thank God that St. Louis has an NBA team to keep them busy all winter. What? Oh..... never mind.

 

Chicago 16, Minnesota 13

The difference between Minnesota and Chicago is that Minnesota knew they were going to suck this season, while Chicago sort of got a kick-in-the-guts surprise.

 

Philly 24, NY Jets 21

Belly Check must have been selling those tapes around the NFL, because the Jets have been beaten like a lazy houswife by pretty much whoever stepped up to them all season long.

 

Tennessee 17, Tampa Bay 16

I wonder if people in Tampa even notice when it turns to autumn, and I don't mean "wow... only 82 degrees today" notice-it's-autumn.

 

Arizona 20, Carolina 19

In Arizona, they know it's autumn because all the illegal border crossers dress up like lost trick-or-treaters.

 

San Diego 38, Oakland 10

Oh yeah... it looks like THIS is how LT runs for 2000 yards a season... two Oakland games every fall.

 

New Orleans 20, Seattle 19

In an alternate dimension, Louisiana residents send lots of aid to tsunami-wrecked Cascadia.

 

NY Giants 30, Atlanta 7

Smart move not isolating unbeaten Dallas/New England on national TV in favor of this must-see game.

Bookie-mobile

Baseball season is winding down, and the Sox are guaranteed at least a playoff berth. Whether we'll be hosting said playoff games remains to be seen, but we're in the driver's seat. Prior to the battle Of New Orleans, the British sent Andrew Jackson a message implying that they'd be having their Christmas dinner in Chocolate City. "That may be the case," Jackson replied, "but I shall be presiding over that dinner."

 Much like the Founding Fathers outlasted the Limey Poofters, the feeling in this column is that the Red Sox will march on a road of bones to another World Series title. I should add that I'm a substitute columnist here, and that the regular columnist is in a coma to prevent her from killing someone if the Yankees pull some Bucky Dent-type snit.

I should also add that I had a pink "B" hat before they became fashionable, and the way to tell a fan from an arriviste is if said pink hat is all beaten up.

October looks to be Heart Attack time, so we'll say good-bye to summer with some nice football talk on a calm, sunny afternoon. I refuse to go to my local high school football games until the weather is cold enough to merit drinking hot cider, but we have the NFL to keep us occupied until then.

The Pats rolled over Buffalo to the tune of 38 points, and this one was only close for a quarter. Cincy is up next, and they should be a good warmup for the inevitable Indianapolis clash. We see Indy in the regular season, but one gets the sense that the real game plans will be coming out in the playoffs. Still, Cincy is another passing attack with some talent, and it will be good to tune up on them.

Cincy was supposed to be much, much better than they are. They have a #1 overall draft pick at QB who actually panned out (ours was a statue, but we got the Franchise is the 6th round a few years later). They have a runner good enough that they let Clock Killin' Corey Dillon go a few years ago. They have a huge offensive line. They have a bevy of talented receivers.

Unfortunately, you also have to play Defense in football, and their defense blows like the mighty North wind. They gave up like 70 points to an inept Cleveland squad earlier this year, and were basically the easy whore of Mr. Touchdown USA when we played them last year.... and they don't seem to have gotten much better.

Therefore... this Monday night, in front of a packed house and billions of fans on TV... the Patriots will walk out onto the field and stomp the Bangles like they were one of those flaming doggy bags that mean kids leave on the doorsteps of people who don't come correct with the Halloween candy. We'll hold their face into the wet carpet of inequality, then whack them on the nose with the rolled-up paper of Destiny.

I don't see us giving Indy the so called "A Game" in the regular season. Belly will want to bring out some surprises for our old friend Mr. Manning. We'll play them very vanilla, and will probably lose- perhaps for the only time this year.

However, I see us using a lot of the same things on Cincy that we'll use in the playoffs against Indy. Look on it as a sort of NFL Yom Kippur War, where the US and Soviets got to see all their military stuff tried out in a theater that doesn't result in the loss of Minsk or Seattle. Cincy is a good team, with a few minor problems to solve before they become contenders... but they're in the way of destiny, and destiny calls for New England to layeth the 38-21 smackdown on those poor Riverfront sons-of-witches.

Elsewhere in the N... where your favorite pig-tailed prognosticator is a respectable 30-18 so far this season (two 11-5 weeks sandwiched around an 8-8 stinker that featured wins by Detroit, Arizona, Houston and Cleveland).

 

Houston 13, Atlanta 9

Houston is 2-1, and will actually look a contenderish 3-1 after polishing off a doomed Falcons squad.

 

Baltimore 24, Cleveland 14

Baltimore is sort of the anti-Cincy... they can't throw worth a damn, but it's a bugger to score on them.

 

Miami 20, Oakland 13

Miami doesn't stink this badly, and Oakland should win about once a moon or so.

 

Chicago 10, Detroit 7

Chicago hanging an L on Detroit would go a long way towards making the NFC division standings make more sense. Rex Grossman turned in one of the worst games I've ever seen last week, but Detoit is Detroit.

 

NY Jets 17, Buffalo 16

Buffy hung with us for a quarter, but I always put my money on the more Cape Cod-ish team, and the Mangina's presence on the Jet sidelines leads me to favor them by one.

 

Green Bay 20, Minnesota 13

Minnesota has a fine team right down to the quarterback, who might lose to a good high school team. Green Bay will be the worst 4-0 team in history, although it's tough not to root for their silly redneck QB.

 

Dallas 24, St. Louis 23

Slewy can score, but they got slapped silly last week. Dallas was on the same field when Rex Grossman beat his own team. That's good enough for the extra point.

 

Pittsburgh 17, Arizona 14

Arizona is good-getting-better, but Pittsburgh hasn't fallen far enough from the SuperBowl perch to lose to them yet.

 

Carolina 24, Tampa Bay 17

I think that the Bucs should go back to those sweet old school orange jerseys, as (especially) should the Broncos. I punish them for it by choosing them to lose this game.

 

Seattle 13, San Fran 12

San Fran paid big money to Darrell Jackson, who Seattle refused to pay said big money to. Seattle developed this philosophy after paying big money to D-On Branch, who, ummm... let's just say that he didn't bring them any Super Bowls. I personally think that Seattle made the correct decision.

 

Indy 28, Denver 27

I almost lived dangerous and went with the Bronk Hos, but I see Indy/New England being a battle of unbeatens, and this loss- which could happen- would screw things up. Sorry, Denvah!

 

San Diego 38, KC, 17

Sandy has looked putrid all year, but they can re-establish some statistical balance by stuffing their yards-per-carry against this not-this-year-fellas bunch from the midwest.

 

Philly 30, NY Giants 28

This looks like a helluva game, and the Giants are my 3rd favorite team... but I'll go with Filthy-delphia.

"Might Wanna Get It On Tape, Son"

Not since High Plains Drifter have I seen someone take that bad of a whipping. San Diego has a great tailback, a gamebreaking tight end, they're good on both lines, and have been waiting for a rematch with the Patriots all winter/spring/summer....

 And we beat them like they were slow to harvest our cotton crop.

No taping needed. We were on them like a cheap suit. We shut down LT, made Rivers look like a punk, and generally treated them "like the bear treats the rabbit," as they say in Maine.

For starters... was that Adalius Thomas a superb pickup, or what? He's strong, fast... and look how well he's mastered the Patriot defensive scheme, which even NASA types describe as "complicated." You can wait your whole life for your team (coughBruinscough) to find such a perfect fit in free agency, and doggone it if we didn't do it TWICE last offseason (well... once via trade).

I mean, we may as well extend Randy Moss right now. He was simply Man Amongst Boys last weekend, and is on pace to score about 24 touchdowns this season... and, as he skipped preseason, he may score even more as he gets warmed up.

Art Shell and Andrew Walter should be banished for life from the NFL, because I can't see how Moss was so invisible the last two seasons in Oakland. I mean, it's not like he was held back by playing San Diego twice a year... seeing how he shredded those fools like cabbage last Sunday.

High-powered offense, punishing defense, preternatural coaching, and a code of ethics that can be changed to mean whatever we need it to... it looks like a fun season in Foxboro. We also knock up actresses, then dump them for supermodels.

You just KNOW that ol' Peyton Manning is wetting himself watching those games. He has to realize that this current squad has been assembled for the express purpose of stomping his corn-fed ass, and he barely got past a much weaker Pats team last winter. I can't wait for Pats vs. Indy.

We're almost tempted to allow Stacey out of her coma, but the Yanks are within 3.5 games and the stress would most likely kill the poor girl. And, to be honest, "coma" might be the wrong term. The doctors were getting sort of wimpy regarding the ethics of keeping a perfectly healthy woman in a sports related preventative coma, so we sort of improvised.

Lately, we've been allowing her to do her thing during the day, and we send her off into the arms of sleep before Sportscenter comes on. Usually this is done by me KOing the Smurf with an ether-soaked rag, although there have been a few occassions where I had to pin her down and smother her out with my hands.

This isn't normal babysitter duty.... but her sister won't fight her, and the Colonel- who saw combat in Iraq and Mogadishu- will only hold her legs down after I've rendered her supine. Stacey is small and slight, but she fights like a wildcat. I usually have the advantage of attacking from out of nowhere, and so far so good.

Granted, all this babysitting has sort of interfered with my school work... but the Colonel went to my school and straightened everything out. While I don't want to imply that money changed hands... I now have a 4 period out of school elective bracketing my 3 Rs Book Learning Stuff, and Bourne High breaks ground on the new indoor track facility next spring.

Speaking of money.... it's time to go through this week's NFL schedule and see who will be making us money this week.... We'll start off by giving New England a 31-14 victory over hopelessly overmatched Buffalo.

 

Pittsburgh 17, San Fran 16

One team going up, one team going down... I bet the score will be reversed if they meet again next year.

 

Baltimore 12, Arizona 10

Arizona's one playoff win since 1947 (including time in St. Looey) is more Poe-esque than anything Ray Lewis does.

 

Indy 31, Houston 7

While Reggie Bush was rushing for 30 yards in the season opener, Mario Williams (who the Tex passed on Bush for) was the NFL Defensive Player Of The Week.

 

Philly 35, Detroit 21

Only Peter McNeely's 2-0 start was less impressive than Detroit's.

 

San Diego 41, Green Bay 13

It's never good playing someone who got slapped like a ho on national TV the week before, especially when they waited all year for that  game... LOL

 

NY Jets 17, Miami 16

Even Coach Belly wouldn't want a tape of this stinker game.

 

Kansas City 12, Minnesota 10

Larry Johnson looked taller in his granmama commercials.

 

St. Louis 28, Tampa Bay 7

The fact that "Tampa" is how a Bostonian pronounces "tamper" will have little or no effect on this rout.

 

Oakland, 10, Cleveland 7

If Oakland starts the season with losses to Cleveland and Detroit, they should be banished to Sacramento or something.

 

Denver 28, Jacksonville 17

Never ditch quarterback A until you have quarterback B lined up, Jacko.

 

Cincy 48, Seattle 47

"Bengal" is Latin for "bet the over."

 

NY GIants 21, Washington 18

I'm rooting for Eli every time he plays Peyton, and I don't know why.

 

Carolina 28, Atlanta 6

The NFL should let Michael Vick play, but they should drown him when he loses.

 

Dallas 7, Chicago 6

Fantasy football fans know that it's sometimes better to just not play a quarterback than it is to send Rex Grossman out there. That kid could piss off Guy Smiley.

 

New Orleans 27, Tennessee 19

I still have Katrina sympathy for Chocolate City. Conversely, my post 9/11 sympathy for NYC was played out by October... but the Great Lady and I have had our differences over the years.