"Might Wanna Get It On Tape, Son"

Not since High Plains Drifter have I seen someone take that bad of a whipping. San Diego has a great tailback, a gamebreaking tight end, they're good on both lines, and have been waiting for a rematch with the Patriots all winter/spring/summer....

 And we beat them like they were slow to harvest our cotton crop.

No taping needed. We were on them like a cheap suit. We shut down LT, made Rivers look like a punk, and generally treated them "like the bear treats the rabbit," as they say in Maine.

For starters... was that Adalius Thomas a superb pickup, or what? He's strong, fast... and look how well he's mastered the Patriot defensive scheme, which even NASA types describe as "complicated." You can wait your whole life for your team (coughBruinscough) to find such a perfect fit in free agency, and doggone it if we didn't do it TWICE last offseason (well... once via trade).

I mean, we may as well extend Randy Moss right now. He was simply Man Amongst Boys last weekend, and is on pace to score about 24 touchdowns this season... and, as he skipped preseason, he may score even more as he gets warmed up.

Art Shell and Andrew Walter should be banished for life from the NFL, because I can't see how Moss was so invisible the last two seasons in Oakland. I mean, it's not like he was held back by playing San Diego twice a year... seeing how he shredded those fools like cabbage last Sunday.

High-powered offense, punishing defense, preternatural coaching, and a code of ethics that can be changed to mean whatever we need it to... it looks like a fun season in Foxboro. We also knock up actresses, then dump them for supermodels.

You just KNOW that ol' Peyton Manning is wetting himself watching those games. He has to realize that this current squad has been assembled for the express purpose of stomping his corn-fed ass, and he barely got past a much weaker Pats team last winter. I can't wait for Pats vs. Indy.

We're almost tempted to allow Stacey out of her coma, but the Yanks are within 3.5 games and the stress would most likely kill the poor girl. And, to be honest, "coma" might be the wrong term. The doctors were getting sort of wimpy regarding the ethics of keeping a perfectly healthy woman in a sports related preventative coma, so we sort of improvised.

Lately, we've been allowing her to do her thing during the day, and we send her off into the arms of sleep before Sportscenter comes on. Usually this is done by me KOing the Smurf with an ether-soaked rag, although there have been a few occassions where I had to pin her down and smother her out with my hands.

This isn't normal babysitter duty.... but her sister won't fight her, and the Colonel- who saw combat in Iraq and Mogadishu- will only hold her legs down after I've rendered her supine. Stacey is small and slight, but she fights like a wildcat. I usually have the advantage of attacking from out of nowhere, and so far so good.

Granted, all this babysitting has sort of interfered with my school work... but the Colonel went to my school and straightened everything out. While I don't want to imply that money changed hands... I now have a 4 period out of school elective bracketing my 3 Rs Book Learning Stuff, and Bourne High breaks ground on the new indoor track facility next spring.

Speaking of money.... it's time to go through this week's NFL schedule and see who will be making us money this week.... We'll start off by giving New England a 31-14 victory over hopelessly overmatched Buffalo.

 

Pittsburgh 17, San Fran 16

One team going up, one team going down... I bet the score will be reversed if they meet again next year.

 

Baltimore 12, Arizona 10

Arizona's one playoff win since 1947 (including time in St. Looey) is more Poe-esque than anything Ray Lewis does.

 

Indy 31, Houston 7

While Reggie Bush was rushing for 30 yards in the season opener, Mario Williams (who the Tex passed on Bush for) was the NFL Defensive Player Of The Week.

 

Philly 35, Detroit 21

Only Peter McNeely's 2-0 start was less impressive than Detroit's.

 

San Diego 41, Green Bay 13

It's never good playing someone who got slapped like a ho on national TV the week before, especially when they waited all year for that  game... LOL

 

NY Jets 17, Miami 16

Even Coach Belly wouldn't want a tape of this stinker game.

 

Kansas City 12, Minnesota 10

Larry Johnson looked taller in his granmama commercials.

 

St. Louis 28, Tampa Bay 7

The fact that "Tampa" is how a Bostonian pronounces "tamper" will have little or no effect on this rout.

 

Oakland, 10, Cleveland 7

If Oakland starts the season with losses to Cleveland and Detroit, they should be banished to Sacramento or something.

 

Denver 28, Jacksonville 17

Never ditch quarterback A until you have quarterback B lined up, Jacko.

 

Cincy 48, Seattle 47

"Bengal" is Latin for "bet the over."

 

NY GIants 21, Washington 18

I'm rooting for Eli every time he plays Peyton, and I don't know why.

 

Carolina 28, Atlanta 6

The NFL should let Michael Vick play, but they should drown him when he loses.

 

Dallas 7, Chicago 6

Fantasy football fans know that it's sometimes better to just not play a quarterback than it is to send Rex Grossman out there. That kid could piss off Guy Smiley.

 

New Orleans 27, Tennessee 19

I still have Katrina sympathy for Chocolate City. Conversely, my post 9/11 sympathy for NYC was played out by October... but the Great Lady and I have had our differences over the years.