Monday, August 15, 2005

Riding Shotgun On Gorgeous George's QB Ratings

http://journals.aol.com/georgecoztanza/CoztanzasCommentarty/entries/827

 

Cool article from "the man they call 'Georgie Pudding Pie'...he kissed all the girls, and made them cry....."  

 

George ranks the top 30 or so QBs......here's my comments.  

 

 
Tommy Cool deserves to be #1. He walks taller, spits further, f****s longer and is generally cooler than you or I...or at least you. I have a celebrity escape clause in my marriage vows that would allow me to hop up on Champagne Tom if such an option proffered itself. Also, either Belichick or Brady seem to be able to exert some sort of control on the weather.    

 

 

  

Anyone who pukes in a Super Bowl huddle can be rated no higher than #3 on my list, babe. I threw up on a field once, Donovan.....but I'm a housewife, now. If Chunky Soup bases their 2005-06 advertising campaign on a man known for vomiting, I'm selling all  my stock....in everything.      

 

 

  If you mix Peyton and McNabb, the end result will choke on his own vomit. Belichick is the recurring thought that makes Peyton go impotent with that Miss Teen Tennessee 2001 wife of his.  Peyton, despite his supermodel name, will be OK once he figures out that being Mister October is a bad thing in football 

 

  Duante- my favorite Italian since Brando and Sinatra died- does everything but win. 

The only guy who will miss Randy Moss more than Culpepper will be Kerry Collins.

   I always play Culpepper on Madden because I tend to get happy feet a lot, and I like to Run Big when I have to run at all.      

 

  French people from Boston are the only non-Louisianans who pronounce "Favre" properly (It's sort of like "five," but not really) . Defensive linemen with poor eyesight often lose Favre as he blends in with the grass background.  (If someone in your fantasy league took Favre already, you can usually get the cheaper Jake Del Homme -a bastardization of de l'homme = "of the man"- in a later round and not lose any points in the Big Stupid Cajun categories.)      

 

  Michael Vick and his Gonnohrea will be playing at a stadium near you. My urination burns just thinking about how good this kid can be.

 

        Sorry, George... I hate your QBjust cause he's named "Chad." I don't even feel that I need a logical reason beyond that.

 

  What do Trent Green, Chad Pennington and a Christmas tree have in common? None are much good in January.      

 

  If Big Ben were a woman, he could marry someone named "Dover" and suddenly become the funniest player in the NFL, just like that.      

 

    As George knows, Marc Bulger is only the second most threatening Bulger walking God's green earth today. No matter what happens in life, Bulger can secure immediate seating with just his name alone in eating establishments all over South Boston.  To illustrate Whitey Bulger's former hold on this city of ours, my husband- who is 6'6", 270, and was in Desert Storm- saw me writing this and said, "You're gonna make a joke about HIM???"  

 

    Steve McNair simply hit the wall....and the wall hit him back a few times. "I need a six letter word for 'washed up'."      

 

 
I wonder if Bledsoe has ever been like..."Damn....I'm the 2nd best QB named Drew in the NFL"      

 

  If David Carr played in Boston, he'dnever hear the last two letters of his name pronounced. If he didn't watch basketball growing up, he'd be like "Why are people calling me 'M.L.' all the time?"      

 

  Doesn't Byron Leftwich sound like someone who does Crew at Harvard? I just can't see a bunch of Crips being like, "Don't open that forty dog....Byron Leftwich isn't here yet."      

 

  "We'll take the ball....and we'll be eliminated."        

 

  Saying "Carson Palmer" backwards five times in front of a mirror is said to summon a Scratch Lady who will sack you for a loss.     

 

  Jake Plummer doesn't want you to know his nickname is "Mister."      

 

  Dallas could have put a statue in the backfield, and it may have at least hurt the other teams' players while it generates a similar passing attack to ol' Nancy Drew. On the plus side, Drew isn't as concussion-dizzy as Aikman looks.....in fact, he couldn't be.     

 

  I was amazed when I saw that Aaron Brooks had his own shoe commercial. He stinks like freshly-vomited Gumbo. I bet every now and then he goes "OWWWWW" for no reason, as someone in New Orleans spears a voodoo doll bearing his likeness. 

 

Either Patrick Ramsey can't play in this league, or Joe Gibbs and Steve Spurrier can't coach. Several Angolans died mining the diamonds Uncle Joe can lay down on the Super Bowl Ring Table. Hmmmmm....  

 

 Thanks, Mom!

Kurt Warner qualifies for the Married A Really Ugly Girl Before I Got Famous alimony amnesty clasue that the left wing doesn't want you to know about.  

 

If Kyle Boller can't get it done this year, Ray Lewis may kill him.  

 

 

Joey Heisman has three top ten picks to throw to. If he doesn't perform this year, the Detroit crowd may perform a Reverse Artest.  

 

 You'd figure a guy named Greise wouldn't be so easy to tackle for a loss.....you'd think he'd slip away.   Even my friend Tammy- a hippy who knows nothing about the game, once asking me why Corey Dillon "doesn't just run behind all those guys who are standing on the side of the field"- thinks this guy is terrible.

 

The Nazi genetic scientist in us all demands that Peyton's kids be bred with Eli's kids, and the offspring be raised by Archie at an isolated cattle ranch in Feepshucker, Texas. We want the New Breed.  

 

Rex Grossman just dislocated his wrist scrolling down to his name in this article.  Given the current US Population and some figures from the insurance companies, there is a 1.4% chance that if you hear someone say "OUCHH," it was probably Rex Grossman.

 

Dan Marino hates that someone named Trent Dilfer has a Super Bowl ring and he doesn't. As far as scoring points goes....The Dil is less effective than a fumble (which MIGHT score), and not much more effective than running the ball into the opponents' end zones for a safety himself.  

 

JP Losman seems like a nice kid, but I'd hate to play an outdooor sport in Buffalo that would likely involve my  face being forcibly driven into the ground by 300 pound men in December.  

 

Alex Smith should make people forget about Joe Montana in about 400 years or so.  

 

If TO gets traded to the Raidahs, that'll make for 2 all pro WRs with a really bad QB.        

 

While I'm sure that AJ Feeley is a nice guy and a fine drinking companion, signing both Ricky Williams AND Quincy Carter would be like introducing an economic stimulus plan into southern Florida's struggling drug subculture.

 

 

7 comments:

stephaine35 said...


six-letter word for washed up..."dilfer"

stephaine35 said...


I forgot, this entry is great.  This is my first year of fantasy football and I need all the help I can get.  I shall promptly print this out at work (don't want to waste my ink)to help with my rankings for the draft.

monponsett said...

You really shouldn't use a list that is meant to make you laugh as a basis for your fantasy football draft. If I were you, I'd go to the link at the top of the page and follow George's logic. George is a good friend of mine, and despite his derivative last name, he knows what he's talking about.

randlprysock said...

Great entry!!! I'm so stupid about football I'm memorizing these lines.  Great stuff girl, great stuff.  Even I am laughing and can only recognize a few of the teams based on color.  

Determined to permit my boys to enjoy the world of sports, both sons have now been enrolled in flag football.  Turns out we have a quarterback for a son who astounded not one, but three coaches.  Imagine, me, proud mommy... of a flag football quarterback who is age ten.  I am soooooooo proud I could burst!  And the other son, he made two "tackles" within the first four minutes on the field!  Go Aaron and Nick!  

To further add to my trouble, I wasn't a cheerleader but volunteered to be the cheerleader coach so my 5 yr old daughter and I won't get bored on Saturday mornings watching the boys chase flags.  I am sooo in trouble.  Luckily a friend saved my butt lastnight and I can start the meetings with a whole 3 simple cheers.  Yikes!  How do I get myself in these messes?  Oh well, at least I'm reliving my childhood and having a blast!  : )

Hugs,
Lisa

http://journals.aol.com/randlprysock/AdventuresFromFlorida/          

zamboni831 said...

Sheeesh you women...my wife's got that celebrity escape clause too...only hers is Martin Brodeur...

monponsett said...

I used to cheerlead at hockey games, until the girl who was next to me in line when we did the "D-U-X-B-U-R-Y-" chant was hit in the face with a puck.

After that, it was mostly wine, marijuana, easy sex and the 11 AM Sportscenter.

lurkynat said...

wow monponsett ! Super job and very amuzing
natalie