Manifesto

 

   A lot of people fail to understand my unilateral decision to put myself in the AOL Journals Hall Of Fame. Some might even object to it. There are several good reasons for this objection:

- I had to submit stuff to a certain journal by a certain time, and I didn't.

- My journal might have 25% of the visits some of the other HOFers have.

- My journal runs a fairly sizable risk of screwing up your children.

- I'm a sloppy writer, favoring things like.... this and things- like this. I rely way too much on it, and many professors I've had told me my writing style is too "conversational."

- I talk about myself too much.

- While ascribing terms such as "good" and "evil" to blogs is unfair....I'd probably look pretty evil compared to my supporting cast in the HOF.

- Normally, one gets voted in by others to these sort of things.

   Good reasons, all. What I've done is the equivalent of Jose Canseco doing a fat shot of Winstrol, then breaking down the doors of Cooperstown with his Testarossa and putting his own statue in.

   I've listed the objections....now I'll tell you why I really SHOULD be in:

- There were about 45 days between my starting this blog, and it being voted the best Sports Blog on AOL.

- I can guaran-damn-tee you that Cosell, Madden, Rice, and all the others didn't get assigned to go to the All Star Game less than two months after taking up sportswriting on a lark.

- No other AOL Journaler (before the spectacular ascent of Childe Alex) has ever been sent anywhere, provided lodging, given money, and appeared on the Welcome Screen for their talents.

- I honestly believe that I have more talent in two of my fingers than any other blogger out there (too bad they aren't the ones that actually hit the keyboard). That's no diss on J-Land, by any means....I enjoy AOL Blogs, and I visit some daily. I've laughed out loud, and been moved to tears. I've made friends. Still... I'm just that damned good.

- Calvin Coolidge was kicking around names of potential cabinet members with friends. One proposed member elicited a "He's a cocky SOB" comment from more than one of these friends. Coolidge smiled and said, "Don't they have the right to be represented, too?"

- At the time, inducting myself seemed like the thing to do. In all candor, it still does.

 

   This Journal is but my first step on a long and brutal path that will end in either World Dominance or Involuntary Committment. There are other areas that I am now focusing my attention on:

- Monponsett X

   Much like my self-induction into the AOL HOF, it is difficult at first to understand why a pasty French chick plans on developing a Black Voices Journal that will pretty much set the tone for race relations between breast and drumstick meat in America for the next 50 years.

   Forget the fact that my people- the French- have suffered slavery far more recently than any American black. Forget the fact that we are all Americans, sort of equal parts to that theoretical turkey I discussed in the previous paragraph. Forget the fact that a girl in a sports blog is just as poorly received as a white in a race blog.... and with that being considered, that I am the best person for that particular job.

   It just sounds like fun. I already have the bones of the Journal on the table.....growing up in Brooklyn (Zoo!), spending the summers with a kindly grandfather in the Ozarks, my time playing on the hoop team at Grambling, a slowly building awareness of African culture and the history of the black man in America, and- the best part- coming to see the joy of the differences between myself and Weiss, my Jewish best friend. It'll be like Roots, but with Woody Allen worked in somehow.

   At the 1998 Freedom Rally in Boston, rapper B-Real reflected on how hard it will be to legalize marijuana in this country. "We have legitimate grievances," he paraphrased, "but it's hard being taken seriously when every supporter you have is on drugs. It'd be nice to have some non-smokers on our side, even if they supported us only for reasons of principle." While B-Real was probably trying to elicit legal and legislative sympathies so he can smoke marijuana, he sort of spelled out the basic argument for Monponsett X.

   I aim high, and I fully expect to resolve all racial tension in this country by Thanksgiving or so. I blame Old White Wealth for everything. I plan to argue for a legal settlement that will give American blacks the big part of Michigan as reparations for 400 years of oppression. The American borders will be lined with casinos, and a blind eye will be turned towards any Northern imperialistic expansion. Full citizenship, tax incentives, complete military security, another holiday or two, and an additional NFL franchise.... I'd go for it if I were an oppressed minority.

   By this point, I will be a demagogue without peer. The next logical step would be a run for the Presidency. I really don't have any inclination towards being a governor or a Senator- I figure on starting at the top.

    Unfortunately, I won't be 35 by the next election, and it would be difficult running the whole French thing past a country that now "freedom kisses" and uses "freedom ticklers." Therefore, I need a figurehead.

   Big fat Marshall Joffre seemed like a bad choice to lead the French armies in WWI, but he was there as more of a father figure than a strategist. "Joffre est un bouclier vaillant derrière lequel des esprits plus subtiles peuvent diriger la politique militaire française"...."Joffre is a stout shield behind which  more subtle minds can direct French military policy."

   This thinking also gave us Reagan, Bush, and Bush Jr...seemingly harmless talking heads who allow their cronies to smash Arabs and fleece American poor. Nice men, all...but their goodness is being used for evil. I plan on using evil for good.

   Once I get the right brother on point (I was really hoping for Allen Iverson, who is a big fan of this journal...though there is something sort of Presidential in a more reasonable way about Dr. J... but Iverson is younger.), it's only a matter of time.

   People will again fail to understand my motives for nationalizing the Middle East....especially since it really isn't ours to nationalize. President Iverson will be hard to reach, after his decision to move the White House to the Bi Baby Bi sorority house on the Georgetown campus, where he is more comfortable. When reporters do find him, he'll feign indiference.... referring all questions to a "Miss Moreau," who turns out to be even harder to reach.

   Once gas is $.59 a gallon again, who'll be complaining? If we're all rich and happy, I have a feeling that any remaining black-white tensions can be resolved individually at some future Ann Arbor craps table, where both parties can have a complimentary drink or two. The Europeans will be pissed, but they always are.

   99% of the Arabs will be just as rich or poor as they were before we stole their sole source of international revenue, and they will live a happier quality of life once they get a few NFL and NBA franchises (The Baghdad Ruins? The Syria Bread? The Istanbul Constantinoples?). People will always vote Hungry in a Guns/Butter quandry.

   Europeans can just ride horses for 50 years or so, until they like our football better than theirs.. at which point, they can deal with Presidents Belichick, Brady, or Lohan....depending on how quickly they assimilate. We'll need them when we turn on the rest of Asia.

   Violence and appeasement go along way in today's world, and they speak many, many languages. If you've read this far, you have to be one of my people. What can you do? Just wait....we'll contact you when we need you. Know Your Role.

   Mr. Iverson, I can be reached through DCSportsGuy@aol.com.

   A LA VICTOIRE!!!!