Annus Horriblis

   I truly enjoyed 2004. I had my second daughter. I bought a house in New Hampshire, in a Rockwellian village with mountain views. I managed to get paid all year for a job I no longer go to. I even won a trip to Houston for the All Star Game. I had a great year.

   These guys didn't:

Kobe Bryant...His heavily-favored team took a 5 game stomping by the Detroit Pistons. He lost millions of dollars worth of endorsements. Everyone on the team he played for thinks of him as a jerk, at best. The guy who battered his bread for 3 titles was forced out of town. The Zen coach who guided him to his apex ended up writing a book saying he was uncoachable. He had to buy his wife a $4 million ring.

Oh yeah...he also had the nationally watched rape trial. Next to Osama and Scott Peterson, he may have been the most notorious man alive.

They always tell me, when I'm depressed..."Hey....there's someone out there who has it worse than you." Only a million dollar lawyer kept them from saying "Cheer up....you could be Kobe."

 

Denny Neagle- Normally, being a married man who gets pulled over while getting a hummer from a prostitute who looked a lot like that beast that crawled out of the TV at the end of The Ring would secure you the top of this list, but Kobe has the upper hand here. There is no truth to the rumor that a drunken Neagle handed the girl $40 and said "Hook up Johnny Law, too."

 

Barry Bonds....There's a long drop from breaking Babe Ruth and Henry Aaron's home run record to replacing Robert Downey Jr. as the Most Drugged Up Celebrity. What's worse, he has to die at 42, or kids will think that Drugs Make You A Better Athlete.

 

Dream Team IV......Maybe these guys should have hired Barry Bonds' trainer. They got spanked so badly that USA Basketball is considering sending the Globetrotters to the next Olympics.

 

The Miami Dolphins.....They had a solid D at the beginning of the preseason, and a powerhouse running back. Then Ricky Williams decided that he'd rather smoke a little ganja. But before they could go 2-14 or so, they had to get hit by like 10 consecutive hurricanes. They also sent a perfectly good draft pick to get AJ Feeley...when Denny Neagle proved that one could get a BJ for $40.

 

Calvin Murphy....As long as none of my children grow up to charge me with raping them, I can die happy. He was found innocent, though.

 

Jason Giambi....If this dude had a wayback machine, he would have gone back a few years and had himself cryogenically preserved. Then, the stomach parasite, the World Series loss, the 4 HRs and the BALCO grand jury would just be a bad dream.

 

Roy Jones.....This guy got dissed like a roach not once but TWICE. Previously known as the best boxer of his generation, he is known to a whole generation of kids as "the guy who got knocked out." At least Tyson tore up his knee.

 

Nomar Garciaparra...This guy spends his whole career playing for a Cursed franchise. Then he gets traded...to the OTHER cursed franchise, just as his old team wins a World Series that probably made Saddam Hussein cheer. The fact that he bailed out of the Andrea Dorea only to be rescued by the Lusitania is only half the problem. I wonder if the Cubs will dump him....he's the Monkey's Paw of baseball.

 

Ron Artest.....First, he gets suspended for 2 games after he asks for a month off to promote his Rap album. Then, he gets shoved in the face by Ben Wallace. He uses all his self-control not to be lured into a fight....and at that exact moment, someone throws a beer on him. He then went into the stands and pounded on random white people. To top it off, he gets suspended for the rest of the year, costing him miggity-millions. At least he won most of the fights, and got a sort of free beer.

 

Chris Mullin...His name is on the contracts that pay Adonal Foyle and Derek Fisher $75 million through 2010 or so. He's a Raef LaFrenz away from an all-white frontcourt. His team stinks like Denny Neagle's lap, and they look awful for the next 5 years or so.

 

Gary Bettman.....This guy locked out the NHL. He's the most hated man in Canada. Savoir Faire is more popular in the Big Chilly. He kicked the last leg out from under an already wobbly table. He even lost his sport's status as the main place to go to see a professional athlete attack the audience.

 

Latrell Sprewell...Despite his desperate plea to the media, his family will indeed starve on the $7 million or so he'll make next season. He also got suspended for telling off a heckler. At least he didn't strangle anyone....but the year ain't over yet.

 

Terrell Owens....Does a horrible December offset a great 2004? He was brought in to help win the Super Bowl. He was on the highlight reels all year, doing situps, shaking pompoms, ripping down banners, and pretending to sodomize the goalpost(OK...I made that last one up). He was a touchdown machine right up until he zigged when he should have zagged, breaking his ankle and dooming Philly to another early playoff exit.

 

Jeff Garcia.....Looks like a rat, walks like a rat.... No matter how many models he bangs, he's always gonna be the Rat Boy. Then, he got traded to a team that went down the tube quicker than a surfer. In the process, he moved from California to Cleveland.

 

Marion Jones....she won medals by the boatload until they started testing her....then she suffered a loss of ooompf that Viagra wouldn't cure. Even Chinese Women Swimmers were laughing at her. I hear that Andy Reid wants to race her.

 

Manute Bol.....This guy, who gave all his money away to help out his people in Sudan, simply got into the wrong taxi one night, and got his neck broken for it. He did win his Celebrity Boxing fight against Fridge Perry, though.

 

William Perry....Lost a boxing match to Manute Bol.

 

 

Saint Stacey, Army of One

   I usually plan things out well. I went to a college where I knew I'd make the soccer team. I was engaged before I finished college- which was good, because I had planned most of the logistical aspects of the wedding out by the time I was 12 or so. We had the baby room finished before I was pregnant. We already own the retirement property. I'm always prepared.

   There is always a Yin to any particular Yang. My fatal flaw is Christmas. I have a habit that will kill me one day. I know other people who do it once, but I do it every year, without fail.

   I always put off my entire Christmas shopping list until the afternoon of December 24th.

   Sometimes, I have an excuse. I have to work, I have final exams, I'm babysitting, whatever whatever...This year, I have the flu and the Cru (Gabrielle and Melissa) to blame- but everyone who knows me would tell you that this would have made little overall alteration in my routine. I also get paid for my job at 6PM on December 23rd this year, but it wouldn't have mattered anyhow.

   A big part of the problem is my basic indecisiveness. I can never truly decide what I think people want. Even when I see something I think they'd like, I convince myself that I can find something better. Psychologists call this dissonance.... but that all gets tossed into the oven on 12/24. That's when I get to the mall with my bad self.

   The solution to indecisiveness is panic. Let's say you can't decide which way to go. You are standing, immobilized. Suddenly, a Komodo Dragon starts charging at you. You will move somewhere, instinctively. What keeps you from being killed is how you react in those kind of situations.

   As I head to the mall on Christmas Eve, I like to think of myself as Tom Brady, late in a game. Down a few points, out of time outs, calling my own plays, no huddle, etc....gotta make something happen. A lot of people are depending on me. It's a whole head trip I get into.

   I'm totally Favred on December 24th. Barking out commands amidst the chaos, breath bursting out of my chest in little ice clouds, snow falling.... as I yank a woman's head back by the ponytail while concurrently driving my knee into her kidney, enabling me to get the last remaining Rescue Heroes: Afghan Mountain Hell playset. I'm running amok, like I was just fired from the Post Office.

   I already have the babysitter lined up, and I have about a 3 hour window of opportunity. That's more than enough. I once shopped for my whole family with $140 and a broken leg...and I got everyone done in 1 hour, and 15 minutes. On this particular stage, I whup ass like Van Damme.

   Not every display of prowess is performed in front of 70,000 bloodthirsty proletariat in a stadium named after a razor or a beer. Not every song gets a Grammy. Many deep thoughts hit walls in the consciousnesses of inarticulate people, or however you say that. People who are perfect for each other pass each other every day, neither with the gumption to initiate. The talents of the truly great often make it to TV, but not always. Few people get to personally see an Act of God at work.

   If you'd like to see one in action, get to the Independence Mall in Kingston, MA between 2-4PM, tomorrow. I may injure you trying to get to a particular scented candle.

 

And to all, a good night....

Season's Beatings

   Wrestling is staged. It teaches young kids that violence is the way to resolve problems. Wrestlers frequently cheat to win. Many of them are so roided out, they can flex things like eyebrows and teeth. A lot of them die young...often from painkiller abuse. A wrestler (Owen Hart) was killed in the ring performing a needless stunt. They live a barnstorming life akin to that led by Gypsies or a travelling circus.

   They have virtually monopolized the industry, and will stop at nothing to eliminate any competition. The women, with a few exceptions, are sexpot eye candy with no wrestling talent whatsoever. There always seems to be at least one(ten) of the wrestlers who has some sort of mental illness. They exploit whatever will get ratings- be it racism, sexism, homophobia, nationalism, or simple depravity. They aim for the lowest possible element, and often go below them.

   The fact that I watch every week shouldn't lead you to think that I don't see the forest for the trees. I am just more in touch with my Inner Beast than most people are. Unless this is your first visit here, you probably know that already. Being a wrestling fan is somewhat akin to the 2 Minute Hate from 1984. Cathartic and social, but demented nonetheless. 

   Yet, I have come to praise the WWE, not to bury them. Why? Because they did something this week that was truly special. They packed up all the rings, chairs, steel cages, and talent, and shipped them to a battle zone. Yes, this week's entertainment is Smackdown in Iraq.

   No, I'm not that naive. I know that doing this provides the WWE with a ton of free publicity. They can go before the next congressional hearing and say, "We did our part." They gain the goodwill of 200,000 or so of the soldiers. Maybe the Iraqis get a kick out of it, even. Though they are the vanguard of a "sport" with a shadowy reputation at best, they can act holier than thou for a week. I must have missed any NFL game that was played there....

   Never forget that these men and women are under no obligation to do this tour. Note that they are actually in Iraq. The WWE website actually features a story about the wrestlers having breakfast with the troops, when some mortars start coming down near them. The best part? They say that The Big Show (former Witchita State center Paul Wight) never stopped eating, even as airborne troops were diving for cover. That's what you call a big set, folks.

   This is no doubt costing WWE patriarch Vince McMahon a lot of money. Even if the Army brings the WWE there on their own planes(I really don't know who pays for the shipping and handling- it may be you and I), any time the WWE spent in Iraq was time that they could have been selling out Madison Square Garden or the Fleet Center. That's 15,000 seats at 20-50 bucks a pop.

   Vince doesn't need the publicity. He's the only game in town, as they say. He made money hand over fist even before Gulf War I. I truly feel that his motivation here is entirely goodwill.

   The WWE has not always played straight with politics. During the Iranian hostage crisis, he introduced a wrestler named the Iron Sheik, a Persian-looking gent who may have known 4 or 5 words of English- all disparaging. He turned the formerly patriotic Sgt. Slaughter into an Iraqi sympathizer during Desert Storm. As soon as France failed to back our move on Iraq, the WWE had a French tag team. He is just now debuting an Arab-American wrestler who secretly despises us for our freedom, or some such nonsense.

   In the same vein, he(Vince and the WWE are essentially one and the same) also has Olympic gold medalist (from the Atlanta games) Kurt Angle as an all-American jerk. He had no problem at all with trotting out the late Big Bossman as a cruel police officer after 9/11 and the Rodney King riots. Japanese star Kenzo Suzuki portrays an anti-American personality, but his "geisha girl" seems to love America, and is slowly winning him over. Latino stars like Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio are hugely popular.

   I can virtually guarantee you that the Japanese guy, the Frenchman, the Arab, and the Mexicans will flip-flop between Good and Evil many times before their careers end. As soon as the act becomes stale, a wrestler will undergo what they call a "heel turn," where they suddenly either see the light of good, or do something so despicable that the Pope curses at the telly. It's been that way since I was a kid, and I don't see things changing much.

   Last year's Smackdown in Iraq featured John Bradshaw Leyfield, who was a hugely popular wrestler with a sort of bad-ass biker persona. Shortly after, he got a haircut and reinvented himself as aWall Street tycoon...and everybody hates him. If you go to the WWE site and look around a bit, you'll see him in Iraq this year...dressed like Yassir Arafat, and basking in the hatred of the crowd. Keeping it sports, Bradshaw's tag team partner last year was former Florida State All American Ron Simmons...who, to my knowledge, was the first black man to hold a major title.

   I seriously doubt that JBL is at all like either of his in-ring personas. He's just going with the flow. The late Adrian Adonis, who also potrayed a bad-ass biker persona, eventually became a dressed-in-pink effeminate. Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock(former UMiami linebacker Duane Thomas), and Cactus Jack have all walked on both sides of the Evil Fence. Currently evil Rene Dupree and Kenzo Suzuki were caught by CNN singing "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen" with some troops.

   Most wrestling fans know this already, and don't give a damn. They hate who Vince wants them to hate, and scream like teenagers at a Backstreet Boys concert when the "face" walks down that aisle. It's easier that way, and Vince has shown again and again that he is finely tuned into what Americans want.  

   So, for this week only, take a second to admire what they are doing for our troops in Iraq. A terrorist slaughtering of WWE superstars would be a tremendous score for any angry dissident. They are spending the week before Christmas trying to bring a slice of home to some people who truly deserve it. Despite all of this, I'm sure that Vince got very few denials when looking for wrestlers to stage the show. My hat's off to him.

   I wish them all well, and praise them for a job well done.

Karl Malone Justifications

   Ted Kennedy drove a girl off a bridge, and got away with it. Don't try that one at home, kids. You'll be a special guest of the old Stone Hotel. But Teddy did it, and he not only avoided jail, he has served in the Senate ever since.

   How one does that would fill several books, but I can assure you that a big part of it is having the right people working for you. Someone to bowl over the local cops, someone to buy out the witnesses, and someone to put the right spin on the matter...they are simply must-haves.  

   If the right people were working for Karl Malone, the Mailman would deliver one of these lines:

1) "Jeez...you'd think she's never had a 7 foot black millionaire cowboy hit on her before."

2) "In Utah, I can have like 9 wives"

3) Damn...those Viagras look just like my Tic Tacs....sorry, Mrs. Bryant"

4) "Well, whattya know? "Mexican Girl' hunting season isn't till December 20th"

5) "You have to openly hit on every woman you meet to carry off a successful heterosexual 2004 LA black guy dressed as a cowboy Look."

6) "Actually...I was looking for Kobe's little Mexican daughter."

7) "I plead Insanity...I'm just crazy about Kobe's wife."

8) "I'd say about a, ummm, $5 million ring should shut her yap"

9) "Imagine how mad she'd have been if she had figured out the connotation of my Mistletoe belt buckle"

10) "All this free publicity, and no rap album to promote"

11) "Ron Artest isn't the only NBA guy who can go into the stands and hit on people."

12) "I thought she was one of those free-spirited Mormon girls"

13) "I thought NAFTA made this stuff OK now"

14) "Karl will be missing his next few public appearances....he got some bad Mexican"

15) "Hitting on the wife of the rapist is almost like battling evil"

16) "You know how it is in LA...I went up to get a beer, and that David Spade SOB got a hold of my cell phone"

17) "Gary Payton told me they fall for the Pinata move every time"

18) "That was actually my little-known brother, Carl Malone"

19) "Once you go Malone, you can never go alone"

20) "I have to hit on her in LA....if I bring her to Arkansas, it's a Mann Act violation"

21) "Let the record show that I was the biggest freak on the Lakers"

22) "Don't you work at the Vail Hilton?"

23) "100 million Mexican girls, and I hit on the one married to Kobe Bryant"

24) "The new Interactive NBA..."

25) "Damn...there goes that Harvard job"

26) "Rafeal Palmiero would have to take like 6 Viagra to be capable of this kind of lechery"

27) "I thought she was one of my illegitimate children"

28) "Why Mrs. Bryant, that is a six shooter in my pocket...AND yes, I'm happy to see you"

29) "Had I not lost my Zorro cape, she'd be the third Mrs. Malone by now"

30) I had to try...she'll be worth $100 million after the divorce"

 

Bon Jour, Au Revoir

  

   Boston gained and lost a friend this weekend. If this weekend were a binge and purge, we'd end up losing about 45 pounds.

   First, the loss. Charlie Weis is leaving New England to take the Notre Dame job. Rumors have it that part of his salary will be paid in steak. Charlie is an alum of Our Lady, and this must be about the prime way to step off the Party Train. I just hope there's one more Super Bowl left in him...it's not like there isn't room, or anything.

   He looks like he's staying through the end of the season. This may or may not hurt his recruiting. Many old school Presidents thought campaigning was beneath the dignity of the office. There is also the tendency to let your current work do the campaigning for you.

   No greater recruiting tool can be wielded than calling the best high school player in America during the next Super Bowl and saying "Watch this....Dillon off-tackle..."

   Charlie will cast a long shadow. The Patriots won 2 Super Bowls working his offense, and Tom Brady runs a machine that has been at least a point better than everyone else for 25 of the last 26. The offense, prior to adding Corey Dillon, had no one any of us had ever heard of prior to the 2002 Super Bowl. Yet, it can kick butts like an ex-smoker.

   I wonder how long Notre Dame looked at separate but equally qualified Romeo Crennel? Crennel was briefly mentioned as a possible candidate, prompting Paul Hourning to call the AD at ND and say "I said 'black athletes,' not 'black coach,' for the love of Touchdown Jesus!!!"

   If you know the right people, you can get a bet cast offshore on how many Foxboro-area Burger Kings go belly-up, so to speak, when the SUV-sized Weis moves his base of operations to South Bend. The over/under is 4.

   I love fat guys. I made it into Santa's lap this week- end, pausing from shopping to do so. I'll miss Weis, who may have eaten P.K. Sam, who I haven't seen since October. Coupled with the defection of Ted Washington last year, Massachusetts may lose an Electoral vote or two.

   Still, we managed to import a genuine beast. David Wells signed an incentive-laden deal to become starter #3, hopefully. He ain't what he was, but he's better than most. If Pedro can be re-signed, we'll have a rotation that can slap your lineup silly next summer.

   Wells should fit right in with the Jack Daniels-drinking Red Sox. He's 41, but he's never been "in-shape," anyway. Unless you consider "round" to be an "in" shape. He'll be a lot like the pumpkin he resembles....we just have to keep him healthy till late October.   

   We also seem close with Renteria, and the Yankees got Pavano. Then, just as we went to press here, Pedro appears set to sign with the despicable New York Mets for $56 million over 4 years.

   Pedro was superb here. I never saw a craftier pitcher. He had such command of a wide variety of pitches. He was able to fool you or blow one by you...whatever the situation required. He had no problem at all with beaning you. He called the Yanquis his "daddy," but he also said he'd bean Babe Ruth in the ass. Fragile but brilliant, there were nights when no one could get with him. He even had his own Rally Midget.

   The Soz rotation next year looks like Schilling, Wells, Arroyo, Wakefield and (gulp) Lowe. That's not bad, but I'll miss Petey.  :-(

   We'll do a hot stove piece soon enough....One of the great joys of winter is watching the Sox and the Yankers throw SE Asian GNPs around trying to outdo each other. Even now, I'm hearing that the Sox want to dump Super Manny on the Mets to sign Renteria and Delgado. We should have the money to sign Varitek, and who knows what other moves are on Theo Epstein's agenda?

 

Questions for Triple H

WWE personality Triple H appears on AOL's "The Show" on Thursday

 

My questions for Triple H are:

- Is it hard being too stupid to play football?

- Could you give me Greg Anderson's pager number?

- When is the "Marrying The Daughter Of The CEO " self-help book coming out?

- What year do you have in the "Ric Flair/In-Ring Heart Attack" pool?

- How much influence did you have to use to get Stephanie McMahon to have the breast enhancement surgery?

- If you were really going to beat someone up, would you change into bikini briefs first?

- Does the WWE do steroid testing, and did you correctly identify all of them on the test?

- How exactly does Hollywood say "Your nose is too big" to a 270 pound man?

- How long do you have to wait for it to be safe to use the bathroom after the Big Show is in there?

- I'm not saying that the average wrestler is stupid or anything.....but could Triple H tell me what melted ice is called?

- What's the most trivial thing he got really angry at when the steroid rush hit? "Goddamned toaster!! Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!! "

- Jess Atkinson said he could kick your ass. Can he?

- What can you do when you pop that humiliating mid-match stiffy?

- I've heard that the WWE used clever camera angles to disguise the fact that Andre The Giant was really five foot six. True?

- Is that "Group Shower" WWE rumor true?

- A half an hour after wrestling Gail Kim, are you hungry again?

- What fake name did Vince make you play in the XFL under?

- Boy, that Brett Favre sure does a lot of pain-killers, no?

- Have him spell "AOL"

- Do you have an acceptance speech ready for when the Nobel Peace Prize people start doing a "Big Dummy" category?

- Is he still baffled by the ending of Shrek II ?

- Do you have to bring Ric Flair back to the museum every night, or do you get to keep him out for weeks at a time?

Is Kobe Bryant worth his weight in gold?

From the Los Angeles Laker message board:

 

Is Kobe worth his weight in gold?

Interesting question.

I could be wayyyyyyyyyyy off, but the site I checked said gold is selling for US $437 an ounce.

16 ounces to a pound.....so gold equals $6992 in US dollars per pound.

Kobe, according to the NBA.com website, weighs 220 pounds. His salary, according to HoopsHype.com, is $14,175,000. Therefore, Kobe is worth $64, 431.81 per pound. He costs 10 times what gold costs per pound, roughly.

Cocaine sells for roughly $11,363 per pound.

He still has people to envy, though....

Julia Roberts weighs 125 pounds, makes $20 million a film, and does 2 films a year, or so. She is worth $320,000 a pound.

Shaq weighs about 325, and makes $27,000,000 a year.....that's $83 thousand a pound....no wonder Kobe is pissed.

Bill Gates weighs....soaking wet....165 pounds. His net worth is around 52 billion dollars. He breaks down to $315 million a pound...and he's already married.

Oprah Winfrey weighs about 265, and she's worth $4 million and change per pound. If she diets, it goes up to about 7.8 million dollars per Oprahriffic pound.

Things Denny Neagle Shouldn't Have Said

1) "I'm a charitable man,,,,she looked hungry"

2) "What can I say, officer.....the girls like to eat Denny's"

3) "Actually, Sir....she paid ME the forty dollars"

4) "There's plenty for everyone, Officer....just wait your turn"

5) "Hey baby...here's forty more dollars...hook up Johnny Law, too"

6) "It's OK, Sir....she's my daughter"

7) "This position we're in is the only way I can get the Raiders game in on the radio"

8) "I paid her $40 to ride with me....the hummer was complimentary"

9) "I have shoulder tendinitis, and it's easier to drive like this"

10) "How bad would you have beaten Rodney King for this?"

11) "May I borrow your handcuffs?"

12) "Thank God you're here....she was attempting to abduct Lil Denny"

13) "She love me long time"

14) "I always wanted my own life-sized bobblehead lap doll"

15) "I can get you Larry Walker's autograph"

16) "I don't have my license on me, but my name is Don Baylor, and I live in Denver"

17) "Meet my physical therapist, who is helping me with my pulled groin"

18) "Phew....I thought you were pulling me over for the kilo of cocaine in the trunk"

19) "Didn't you guys lose your last celebrity sex case?"

20) "I was always a big B.J. Surhoff fan"

21) "Could you come back in about 20 minutes, Sir?"

And the Winner is.....

   One of the true joys of being an NFL fan is watching the pre-game shows. I particularly enjoy the FOX show. They don't do anything better than the CBS or ESPN shows, however.

   The FOX show simply has JB.

   I don't mean James Brown, either the soul icon or the burly Harvard guy. I don't mean John Brown, Jackson Browne, Jill Brown from the Weather Channel, John or Jim Belushi, a type of whiskey, Jorge Bush, Jim Brown, Bond, James Bond, Justine Bateman, John Bradshaw Leyfield, or a common term for fellatio when read by a dyslexic.

   No...we're talking about Jillian Barberie. Yes, Jillian won the HIGH ABOVE COURTSIDE best looking person in sports contest.

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   We here at High Above Courtside are all about making things as awesome as possible for an AOL user. The best way to do that is to simply give the people what they want. The best way to know what people want is to ask them, and your IMs, Emails and comments were enough to establish a Mandate.

   The people want Jillian Barberie.

   I am perhaps the foremost authority on matters like these. I am pretty much in step with what America wants. An interesting fact about me: I am America's Sweetheart, and, among average people, no one got more votes.

   Many elections were held this year. Bush and Kerry split 40 million or so votes, and pro sports All Stars get a lot. The WWE Divas, American Idol, internet polls and so forth....even more votes. All of those votes were cast for famous people.

    My AOL All Star Blogger victory was made possible, I think, by the most votes cast for a regular person in any kind of American election this year. Crazy, but demographically average. See that counter on this page, the one that tells you how many people have viewed this Blog? I have rolled that sucker over so many times that I hardly notice when it happens now.

   So when I tell you something, you should accept it with the blind faith of a stampeding herd of buffalo. Buffalo hunters used to herd buffalo towards a cliff...and while I know nothing of how to do it, they would collect thebuffs at the bottom of the cliff.

   Now, a buffalo isn't going to invent calculus or anything, but it won't just hurl itself off a cliff. But once a stampede starts, they just go with the rest of the herd. Stampedes aren't thought out, and it is actually easier to just lower your head and follow.

   I won't be leading you off a cliff with this one, let me tell you. Miss Barberie is friggin' molten. Serena got some votes, and Gabby Reece need not want for a date, but Jillian owns all the other sport lookers-male or female- like Massa.

   One day, I was listening to AOL Radio while I cooked supper. My sister asked me if she could use the computer to play video games. I told her to log off for me, and to go ahead. She was back in the kitchen in 5 seconds.

   "Ummm...you have, like, 15 IMs that say 'Jillian Barberie,' so I didn't log off."

    It's officially Jillian Barberie Day today, and she was in rare form. She dropped one of her stickers, and her outfit was so tight, she was incapable of bending down to pick it up. Terry Bradshaw made the save. She rewarded him by putting the Terry Bradshaw sticker that was meant to signify sunny weather in San Diego on the Oregon/California border...maybe 150 miles north of Sacramento. 

   If George Bush looked like her, we could invade Canada tomorrow, and no one would complain. In fact, they'd probably wonder why we waited so long to do so. Canada would not resist.

   Derek Jeter won for the men, but he got abolutely ZERO votes after the ALCS, and I was actually contacted by several people who wished to rescind their Jeter votes. His sex appeal suffered a tested Marion Jones-like drop in potency.

   Runner-up Randy Orton would probably take it if it went to the House of Representatives. He gets the pic:

Christmas Shopping For Sports Fans

What a fine topic...especially suited for a woman's POV, I might add.

What do you get the fan who has everything?

- Jerseys, caps, bats gloves, etc... preferably from a player of some proficiency. "Look Dad!! I got you Scott Wedman's 1986 jock strap!!" isn't the same as "Here's Babe Ruth's hat," folks.

- I've been asking for the BALCO assortment pack. Nothing tells the man in my life that I love him more than 500 mg of androstenodine injected right into his stomach. I pity the guy who breaks into our house, let me tell you....my husband has killed my last 4 cats just by petting them.

   If the marriage is sour, go for this one....get the life insurance, and try to stay pretty into your 40s, when his kidneys fail.

- For those of you who aren't insane, tickets to the game are always good. Just try to keep them a few levels off the floor- you never know when someone will chuck a beer on Ron Artest or Terry O'Reilly.

   I wouldn't sit anywhere within 50 feet of an NBA court unless I had a hidden .44 or a very prominent Tru Warrier Records jersey/dress.

- Many offshore betting agencies will allow you to "buy a bet" for someone's present. A lottery season ticket just doesn't have the panache of throwing $100 on San Antonio for the NBA finals. Don't bet too much on one horse, though...Ron Artest may end up blowing a little bit of YOUR money, too.

The fun part is finding the betting agent who will allow you to gamble a grand on where the next great earthquake will occur, or when the next Asiatic war will start. "Look honey....Bush went insane and flattened Teheran....call the travel agent!!"

- If you know any serious people, launch a raid on the cryogenics facility where Ted Williams is stored. Put him out into your yard every Halloween....

- Hire Shaq, Ron Artest or Black Jack McDowell to liven up his poker night with a little music. If the Desperate Housewives scene is bad in your neighborhood, sell one of the cars and have Wayman Tisdale play his bass in the nude at the next Tupperware or Yankee Candle party.

- Buy him a membership at Roy Jones' gym, shove him out into the ring, and yell "I have $5,000 and this guy right here that says you're shot, Jonesey Boy!!"

- Fantasy camps are good, but be careful. Try to avoid "Nate Newton's Botany Camp", or anywhere Greg Anderson works.

- Nightclub security video of the Micheal Olowokandi double-tazer zapping, or whatever descriptive noun one would ascribe to that event. I've never seen it, and it is still one of the 10 funniest things I've ever seen.

   I briefly entertained the notion of working at a school in Massachusetts that utilized electroshock aversive therapy, but I didn't think I could apply it with a straight face.

   Oh, to see that 7 foot giant take 40,000 volts to be subdued....it could only be funnier if it were Bill Walton or Emeril or someone of that ilk. There may be a "What Professional Athlete Would You Most Like To See Get Tazered?" poll coming up in the comments section.....

- - Hire Jose Canseco to water-seal her deck....shirtless, on a humid day where he would conceivably need a lot of lemonade.

- Do you have ugly/fat/clumsy children? Did you always want a sports star in the family to live vicariously through? The genetic draft lottery will work in your favor if you visit an artificial insemination clinic with a financially-compromised athlete. Now's the time to find a striking NHL player, or perhaps Stephen Jackson, and get a kid that will have a little Adonis to him.

   I hear Bo Jackson is living in a shanty now. Ricky Williams may not own shoes in 5 years. I bet Dick Butkus has few good batches left in him, and the NFL didn't pay that much then....