Karl Malone Justifications

   Ted Kennedy drove a girl off a bridge, and got away with it. Don't try that one at home, kids. You'll be a special guest of the old Stone Hotel. But Teddy did it, and he not only avoided jail, he has served in the Senate ever since.

   How one does that would fill several books, but I can assure you that a big part of it is having the right people working for you. Someone to bowl over the local cops, someone to buy out the witnesses, and someone to put the right spin on the matter...they are simply must-haves.  

   If the right people were working for Karl Malone, the Mailman would deliver one of these lines:

1) "Jeez...you'd think she's never had a 7 foot black millionaire cowboy hit on her before."

2) "In Utah, I can have like 9 wives"

3) Damn...those Viagras look just like my Tic Tacs....sorry, Mrs. Bryant"

4) "Well, whattya know? "Mexican Girl' hunting season isn't till December 20th"

5) "You have to openly hit on every woman you meet to carry off a successful heterosexual 2004 LA black guy dressed as a cowboy Look."

6) "Actually...I was looking for Kobe's little Mexican daughter."

7) "I plead Insanity...I'm just crazy about Kobe's wife."

8) "I'd say about a, ummm, $5 million ring should shut her yap"

9) "Imagine how mad she'd have been if she had figured out the connotation of my Mistletoe belt buckle"

10) "All this free publicity, and no rap album to promote"

11) "Ron Artest isn't the only NBA guy who can go into the stands and hit on people."

12) "I thought she was one of those free-spirited Mormon girls"

13) "I thought NAFTA made this stuff OK now"

14) "Karl will be missing his next few public appearances....he got some bad Mexican"

15) "Hitting on the wife of the rapist is almost like battling evil"

16) "You know how it is in LA...I went up to get a beer, and that David Spade SOB got a hold of my cell phone"

17) "Gary Payton told me they fall for the Pinata move every time"

18) "That was actually my little-known brother, Carl Malone"

19) "Once you go Malone, you can never go alone"

20) "I have to hit on her in LA....if I bring her to Arkansas, it's a Mann Act violation"

21) "Let the record show that I was the biggest freak on the Lakers"

22) "Don't you work at the Vail Hilton?"

23) "100 million Mexican girls, and I hit on the one married to Kobe Bryant"

24) "The new Interactive NBA..."

25) "Damn...there goes that Harvard job"

26) "Rafeal Palmiero would have to take like 6 Viagra to be capable of this kind of lechery"

27) "I thought she was one of my illegitimate children"

28) "Why Mrs. Bryant, that is a six shooter in my pocket...AND yes, I'm happy to see you"

29) "Had I not lost my Zorro cape, she'd be the third Mrs. Malone by now"

30) I had to try...she'll be worth $100 million after the divorce"