Christmas Shopping For Sports Fans

What a fine topic...especially suited for a woman's POV, I might add.

What do you get the fan who has everything?

- Jerseys, caps, bats gloves, etc... preferably from a player of some proficiency. "Look Dad!! I got you Scott Wedman's 1986 jock strap!!" isn't the same as "Here's Babe Ruth's hat," folks.

- I've been asking for the BALCO assortment pack. Nothing tells the man in my life that I love him more than 500 mg of androstenodine injected right into his stomach. I pity the guy who breaks into our house, let me tell you....my husband has killed my last 4 cats just by petting them.

   If the marriage is sour, go for this one....get the life insurance, and try to stay pretty into your 40s, when his kidneys fail.

- For those of you who aren't insane, tickets to the game are always good. Just try to keep them a few levels off the floor- you never know when someone will chuck a beer on Ron Artest or Terry O'Reilly.

   I wouldn't sit anywhere within 50 feet of an NBA court unless I had a hidden .44 or a very prominent Tru Warrier Records jersey/dress.

- Many offshore betting agencies will allow you to "buy a bet" for someone's present. A lottery season ticket just doesn't have the panache of throwing $100 on San Antonio for the NBA finals. Don't bet too much on one horse, though...Ron Artest may end up blowing a little bit of YOUR money, too.

The fun part is finding the betting agent who will allow you to gamble a grand on where the next great earthquake will occur, or when the next Asiatic war will start. "Look honey....Bush went insane and flattened Teheran....call the travel agent!!"

- If you know any serious people, launch a raid on the cryogenics facility where Ted Williams is stored. Put him out into your yard every Halloween....

- Hire Shaq, Ron Artest or Black Jack McDowell to liven up his poker night with a little music. If the Desperate Housewives scene is bad in your neighborhood, sell one of the cars and have Wayman Tisdale play his bass in the nude at the next Tupperware or Yankee Candle party.

- Buy him a membership at Roy Jones' gym, shove him out into the ring, and yell "I have $5,000 and this guy right here that says you're shot, Jonesey Boy!!"

- Fantasy camps are good, but be careful. Try to avoid "Nate Newton's Botany Camp", or anywhere Greg Anderson works.

- Nightclub security video of the Micheal Olowokandi double-tazer zapping, or whatever descriptive noun one would ascribe to that event. I've never seen it, and it is still one of the 10 funniest things I've ever seen.

   I briefly entertained the notion of working at a school in Massachusetts that utilized electroshock aversive therapy, but I didn't think I could apply it with a straight face.

   Oh, to see that 7 foot giant take 40,000 volts to be subdued....it could only be funnier if it were Bill Walton or Emeril or someone of that ilk. There may be a "What Professional Athlete Would You Most Like To See Get Tazered?" poll coming up in the comments section.....

- - Hire Jose Canseco to water-seal her deck....shirtless, on a humid day where he would conceivably need a lot of lemonade.

- Do you have ugly/fat/clumsy children? Did you always want a sports star in the family to live vicariously through? The genetic draft lottery will work in your favor if you visit an artificial insemination clinic with a financially-compromised athlete. Now's the time to find a striking NHL player, or perhaps Stephen Jackson, and get a kid that will have a little Adonis to him.

   I hear Bo Jackson is living in a shanty now. Ricky Williams may not own shoes in 5 years. I bet Dick Butkus has few good batches left in him, and the NFL didn't pay that much then....