American Jihad

  (photo courtesy of www.fbi.gov)

We don't like to get into politics much here at the Sports desk... my political leanings are all over the map, and my arguments tend to be along the lines that our western Asia foreign policy should be one huge oil grab... followed by us allowing  them to  kill each other... quite possibly while we film it for our enjoyment as a reality series.

 Besides.. politics am be serious business, and you shouldn't allow yourself to be influenced by the Town Fool and her rambling sports betting column that is sometimes left in the hands of a teenager. You end up with President Bill Belichick, eventually... although that may not be a bad thing.

If Belly were running this particular Gulf War(s), those SOBs would be as friendly/service-oriented as a Texas-sized 7-11. They'd also have football, which would straighten them out and have them voting Centrist Republican by, oh, 2009 or so.

While it' s not the actual point of this article, my staff (OK, Elle and Stacey) are actually hard at work during our non-blogging time developing some set-the-bar--impossibly-higher reality TV shows.

Elle is just a kid, and she watches 5-10 of these type of shows regularly. I have seen one segment of one episode of one reality show in my entire life- American Idol, the one where they had the fat soul crooner. That's a good dichotomy- the expert from the desired demographic and the woman from another country who once mistook a co-worker's description of Survivor to be Gilligan's Isle.

What this teaming produces is American Jihad, where 100  (they'd most likely be killed rapidly) relatives of 9/11 victims are dispatched to the Afghanistan/Pakistan border to hunt forOsama bin Laden. Said relatives would have extensive military experience, and would be heavily armed and supported by NBC/MTV/ESPN/Whoever.

The best part? I don't have to come up with reward money, as OBL currently has a $27  million bounty ($25 milly from the FBI, 2 from the airlines... and OBL is only wanted for the USS Cole attack... 9/11 isn't mentioned) on his long, lanky ass. Assuming the logistical support is covered by the advertising revenue, it would pay for itself.

Elle is of the opinion that each episode should focus on one soldier, although groups of soldiers could band together if they were willing to split the prize money. You could splice together interview segments and actual live footage. The soldier could state his plan,then the cameras follow him as he infiltrates and does all that other James Bond stuff. We're kind of hung upon just how someone would actually find OBL- seeing as the US led coalition has thus far failed to capture the fellow- but we have faith in our talent.

Our talent would mostly be retired Green Beret types, although we'd work in the Mafia,the Crips/Bloods, the KKK, the Mossad, NFL players, rival Muslim terrorist factions, well-known big game hunters and bass fishermen, Ultimate Fighters, and occassional doomed C-list celebrity soldier (I'm thinking Flavor-Flav, Jose Canseco, Chyna, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Tonya Harding) and whoever else we thought might have their own Niche Masrket. A small militia from each of the 50 states (as well as TV-friendly coalition members) might be a draw, too.

My own idea of a Dirty Dozen scenario...where we'd scour the prisons until we found enough 9/11 relatives to make a show, and offer them one chance at freedom by bringing in the head of OBL.... well, it was tough to sympathize with the characters, although I'd bet that the right director could wiggle it in somehow.

We have to move quickly, though... OBL has a bad liver or something, and could croak ina cave at any time. No other human truly represents our thirst for revenge as much as the Ace Of Spades himself, and it wouldn't be as lucrative hunting second in command Kareem Abdul Whoever.

There would most likely be immense legal/moral/financial/logistical/political/religious gymnastics involved, true.... but that's why I pay my lawyers and lobbyists so much goddamn money. As for collateral damage... well, if you are that close totheman and don't killhim yourself, you deserve whatever happens to you.

If we catch lightning in a bottle and one of my cast members actually brings me the head of Osama bin Laden, we immediately spring into Plan B.... which would be either running the winner in the next US Presidential election, or giving him/her even more money and sending themm into some small Third World nation with the intent to seize power there. If we could knock off a despotic tyrant... even better.

If we decided to take over, say, Afghanistan itself.... Hell, we already have the cameras over there and stuff. Win/win. We'd make the world a better place, while generating tremendous advertising revenue. All that money would trickle down to the Poor, eventually. I'd sleep well...most likely on a bed of cash.

Anyhow... this is what you get when I have this video clip... YouTube - Classic Obama: His highschool basketball days, and can't think of the proper preamble.